0 0 0 T1IDAI LY DISH i The best of the bad: R. Kelly and Chuck Norris Everyone's a Critic I Media Column By Kristin MacDonald Kit Ken Fischer, University Musical By Kate Sci urely you have all seen at least one chapter of R. Kelly's recent, stupendous (and, may I add, unironically Grammy-nominated) masterpiece "Trapped in the Closet." If not, get thee to the nearest computer and download the hip-hopera's 43-minute entirety. Poetry has never been more lyrical, more poignant, more heart-wrenching than when delving through R.'s dramatic layers of cheating girlfriends, cheating boyfriends and pregnant cheating girlfriends (whose lovers, incidentally, include a male-strip- per midget). R. Kelly has combed through the emotional abyss of my soul and truthfully strung bare the melodrama of my own aching heart. Maybe not. But let me assure you that "Trapped in the Closet," if perhaps lacking in class, boasts other merits. A recent viewing party with a group of friends illuminated fully the rich absurdity of Kelly's serious drama, with all its cliffhangers, ingenious rhymes ("vibrate" with "late," "solve it" with "closet," etc.), and obviously high-budget production values (as indicated in several car scenes by copious use of blue screen). Make no mistake: "Trapped in the Closet" is terrible. And yet, few other cinematic works are equally capable of gluing a rowdy double-digit group to the glow of my living room's tiny 13-inch screen. Not even the most respected of high-quality films could have proven so mesmerizing; it is because of "Trapped's" bountiful and obvious faults that it succeeds as a work of laughter, of suspense - nay, of genius. "Closet's" comedic power, of course, lies in the unintentional nature of its absurdity. Were Owen Wilson and Ben Stiller to do "Trapped in the Closet" in full, overblown, tongue-in-cheek "Zoolander" fashion, the joke would run stale - somehow there's not so much "haha" in decent actors pretending for the sake of satire to believe in an obviously terrible and overly lengthy pro- duction. But watch "Closet's" DVD behind-the- scenes footage, in which the hip-hopera's cast, director and singular star again and again wax poetic about the beauty and originality of the watershed project. They believe in "Trapped.," and their seriousness renders the video absurd enough to achieve widespread affection. Such widespread consensus is usually diffi- cult to attain. We all disagree on what is good. Sometimes the most beloved pop-culture prod- ucts can fail to score the larger ratings popularity that would turn them into full-blown successes ("Arrested Development," ahem). But when it comes to the worst, we can agree. What more consistent source of amusement is there? My older brother and frat boys nationwide get an insane kick out of Journey's cheesy rock. Vegas cornballs like Tom "It's Not Unusual" Jones could conceivably continue their sold-out shows until the next millennium. It's all for the same reason: the bad is wonderful. The bad is unifying. Even this bottom tier of pop culture, how- ever, maintains a decidedly firm line between amusing and annoying. The public confessions of perpetually uncouth Britney and her poor, dumb schlub K-Fed, for example, entertain us as Tom Cruise and his showy couch-jumping never could - the Spears cannot help the hapless, trailer-park image in which they happily exist, while Cruise constructs his public persona so overzealously that he comes off like a egomani- acal madman along the way. We prefer that our showboaters expect adoration for their unknow- ingly pathetic products, not demand it. Just consider the phenomenon of Chuck Norris's recent pop-culture resurrection. A dis- cussion of pop culture's worst would be lacking without reference to good ole Chuck, an icon of D-list action heroes so infamous for his wooden emoting there's an Internet shrine. With every click of the F5 key, the Random Chuck Nor- ris Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/chuck) delivers a series of impressive phrases that inflate the silly "Walker, Texas Ranger" star to monolith- ic, demigod proportions. For instance: "Chuck Norris's tears kill cancer. Too bad he has never cried." These same one-liners, however, are notice- ably diminished when paired with any other celebrity, even if similar in ass-kicking persona. "The chief export of Arnold is pain" simply isn't asinine enough; neither is "Jean Claude Van Damme has two speeds: Walk and Kill." For some reason, only the ridiculous image of beard- ed, cheerful Chuck Norris as an emotionless, death-hungry cyborg thoroughly satisfies. When it comes to self-described action heroes, Chuck Norris is hands-down the best of the bad. It's an honorable title, and one that must be earned. After all, what exactly is the differ- ence between R. Kelly's deliciously outlandish midget-stripper opera and rapper T-Pain's seri- ous recent hit "I'm 'N Luv Wit a Stripper"? What makes one so bad that it's delightful and the other so bad that it's a mere affront to any notion of "good"? The task of distinguishing between the two is admittedly difficult; R. Kelly, bless him, has made "Closet" easy to categorize. In his cigar- chomping, self-congratulatory DVD com- mentary, R. promised another multiple-chapter installment of his epic drama, and if the Michi- gan Theater doesn't hail the event with a huge premiere as it should, I'll just have to get my 13- inch ready for another screening party. Kristin can be reached by e-mail at kmacd@umich.edu hile many students attend perfor- mances at Hill Auditorium, most do not know the man behind the scenes. Dluring his nearly 20 years as its president, Ken "The Fisch" Fischer has transformed the University Musical Society into an orga- nization dedicated not only to presentation, but also to arts education and research. On a daily basis, Fischer has his hand in every part of operating one of the top musical venues in the coun- try - including marketing, production and fundraising. TMD: How did you become involved with the University Musical Society? KF: In 1983, I wanted to hear a particular group per- form at the Kennedy Center and I was so convinced that my idea was good that I rent- ed the Center myself. On the day of the concert, there was a huge snowstorm, but four minutes before I was going to cancel, the group showed up. I sold 400 tickets at the door and figured, "It can't get any tougher than this." Between '83 and '87, 1 coordinated 17 perfor- mances at the Kennedy Center and had more successes than fail- ures. Then, in '87, there was an opening for the presidency of UMS. They conducted a national search and in a moment of weakness, they chose me. TMD:How are you able to bring such renowned musical groups, such as the Vienna Philharmonic to Ann Arbor? KF: We're the smallest town (on a big city tour), but the largest audience. Let me tell you a story about the Berlin Philharmonic's performance here in '99. We had a post-concert dinner at (former Uni- versity President) Lee Bollinger's house. The conductor Claudio Abbado agreed to come but before he arrived, he wanted the speeches delivered and his food ready. Before he went back to his hotel, he asked whether it would be all right if he smoked a cigar and Lee Bol- linger said, "He can smoke whatever he wants in this house." He ended up staying the entire evening. Later, the chairman of the orchestra, Peter Riegelbauer, sent me an e-mail saying, "There's nothing like Ann Arbor. It was the largest crowd and the best audience and you let us play what we wanted to play. And you treated us so well. We've never been invited to some- one's home before." Musicians feel a real sense of connection to this place. TMD: What has been your goal as president of UMS? KF: I had a wonderful mentor named Patrick Hayes. He de-segregated the the- ater of Washington D.C. and his policy was E.I.N.O ("Everybody In, Nobody Out"). When I came to UMS, I tried to bring Pat- rick's philosophy. I looked to the University community, and the community beyond Ann Arbor. This is a marvelously diverse region, with Mexicans, Arabs, African Americans and Russians. I've tried to reach out to these communities using four princi- ples of partnership: cooperation, communi- cation, vulnerability and reciprocity. What I learned was that so many people viewed the University as an arrogant, overly intel- lectual institution. I tried to counter that by being vulnerable, by admitting that we don't know it all, taking the opportunity to listen and to ask questions. We believe we're serving this broad group of artists, students and faculty, as well as our region. UMS is a vehicle for fostering a better understanding and appreciation for the diverse cultures of the world. As we expose the community to these cultures, we try to do so with honesty and authenticity. At the same time, we also have a tradi- tion of offering the best of the Western canon. I'm just the current steward, but I've tried to make classical music better here by doubling the number of concerts. TMD: How have you accomplished these goals? KF: I hire well. I am lucky to have a brilliant group of people working with me. Michael Kondziolka started as an intern in development, but he's now our program- ming director. We also have Ben Johnson who is great educator, Sara Billmann who received her MBA from Stanford and is in charge of marketing, Susan McClanahan in development and John Kennard who man- ages UMS financially. TMD: How does this extend to the stu- dent body? KF: A quarter of our permanent staff is made up of interns or intern alumni, so we provide opportunities for students who 9 i I LS Want more practice r You'll get over 4,500 questions with complete exi Don't settle. Prep sr 1-800-K Test Prep and Admissions kaptest 'LSAT Is ristred trademark of the law School Adrition Count l."Condit kapeexts TeHge cr urnteapisoyt al Give me my Coke back You now hat Really Grinds My Gears? I Campus Life Column By Mark Giannotito p until one week ago, the Student Pub- lications Building - which is home to The Michigan Daily - had one of the great amenities at this fine University. When I say amenity I'm not talking about something common like wireless Internet, good advising or even a cafeteria. I'm talking about something so simple, yet so wonderful. It was a Coke machine that cost just 50 cents per can. Being a hockey writer and night editor for the sports section, I have spent my fair share of time in this building, especially late at night. And no matter how miserable I was about my writing, that Coke machine would always cheer me up. The ability to buy two cans of soda (not pop) with just one dollar was enlightening to me. It harkened back to a time where things were so simple - the early nineties. But one week ago, my good friend, the 50- cent Cbke machine, was taken away from me. In December, the Daily made the decision to stop buying Coca-Cola and other Coke products for the soda machine in support of the campaign against Coke. One week ago - when the Coke finally ran out - the products were replaced with various types of Faygo drinks. I was furious. Instead of enjoying the smooth taste of a nice Coca-Cola classic, I was being forced to stomach generic Faygo cola. And I barely did stomach that stuff, because it was ter- rible. Being from the east coast, I had no idea what Faygo even was. But what really gets me is that my favorite Coke machine in the whole world was changed because of an issue I don't care about. To add to that, it is about an issue that only a person on the extreme left of the political spectrum would care about. Heretofore, I will call these extrem- ists "super-libs." You know exactly who I'm talking about. It's those select few who give this University the reputation it has around the country. They are the people campaigning in the Diag with those little leaflets. The leaflets that most people only take because they feel bad for the person hand- ing them out in the cold. These same people are the reason that when I attended a recent Michigan-Michigan State hockey game, the Spartan fans repeatedly chanted "dirty hippies" to our student section. But this "hippie" reputation at Michigan could not be more wrong. Back in the 1960s, maybe that stereotype was true. Nowadays, the student body is much closer to the center of the political spectrum. But because we have those select few super-libs, we maintain the reputa- tion of being crazy political activists. Don't get me wrong, I side with liberals in most political debates. But these super-libs take political conscientiousness to a new level. I would argue that 80 percent of the student body couldn't care less about the labor practices of Coca-Cola. I would also argue that the same 80 percent loves to drink Coke products, and have now only become aware of the issue due to the removal of Coke products at the University. Normal students like these 80 percent don't have time to campaign in the Diag in order to have their points heard. The super-libs do. Despite my disdain for the super-libs, I do have to commend them for their persistence. They wanted Coke out of this University and they got what they wanted. At first these little protests against Coke didn't bother me. I kind of shrugged it off as super-libs being super-libs. For fun, I get drunk on the weekends. For fun, they protest something. But through all of their protests against Coke, and its labor practices abroad, the super-libs argument had one major flaw: It was obvious that they had never experi- enced the 50-cent Coke machine. I am almost positive that if they had, their views would have changed dramatically. Now that the super-libs have stolen away my Coke machine, I must take action. In the days following the removal of Coke products, I tried to start a campaign through- out the Daily to get things back to normal. But this plan fell through. I mean, if you've read the opinion section lately, you'll notice that many of the aforementioned super-libs write for it. I don't want to sound defeated, but most peo- ple on campus are not really going to fight these super-libs. They have dominated political activ- ism on campus for years. But I have decided I will not back down until my Coke is returned, Many issues should concern the super-libs more than Coca-Cola's labor problems. Being against the war in Iraq matters. Being against the build-up of nuclear weapons matters. Being curious about whether Bush graduated from Yale matters. A can of Coke doesn't. I mean, it's really terrific that these peo- ple are concerned about the well-being of exploited workers abroad. But guess what? Right here in Michigan, there are some more immediate problems that you could focus your attention on. It's pretty hard not to notice the ridiculous number of homeless people who make their residence on the streets of Ann Arbor. I don't think there's a day that goes by when I don't have to give the uncomfortable "I don't have any change" response to someone. And look at the auto industry in the Detroit area. In recent months GM and Ford have laid off countless employees. Maybe these super-libs should pay attention to some of the labor issues in their own neck of the woods. In the words of one of my elementary school classmates: Mind your own business. But to be completely honest, most of my qualms with the super-libs involve my favor- ite Coke machine. I really just want it back because the Faygo I've been drinking tastes like garbage. Giannotto can be reached by e-mail at mgiann@umich.edu The Weekend L ist 1 YAdaQT 2,t,06 3t JJ1r 4110 Down the Line -The Chicago country troupe Down the Line comes to The Ark. The acous- tic rock'n'roll quartet is joined by Note to Self. Doors open at 7:30 for the 8 p.m. all-ages show. Tickets are $11 and avail- able online at www.theark.org. The Gold Diggers The University's Department of The- atre & Drama presents "The Gold Dig- gers" - a lighthearted play by Avery Hopwood. The show begins at 8 p.m. at Lydia Mendelssohn Theatre. Tickets are $9 with a student ID and are available at the Michigan League Ticket Office. Jazz Festival Concert The School of Music presents the Kenny Garrett Quartet and the Univer- sity Jazz Ensemble under the direction of Ellen Rowe. The concert begins at 8 p.m. at the Power Center. Tickets are $10 with a student ID and are available at the Michigan League Ticket Office., The Love Bang The Blind Pig hosts the Love Bang - a night of dancing and indie rock music. Doors are at 9:30 p.m. for the 18-plus party. Tickets are available at the door for $10 for those under 21 and $7 for every- one else. U.mn(a\T 21r_ 06 Cafe Shapiro The Shapiro Undergraduate Library presents a study break filled with students' reading their work. The break begins at 8:30 p.m. at the UGLI. Admission is free. The Handsome Family A husband-and-wife Ameri- cana duo form New Mexico - The Handsome Family - comes to the Ark. Florida native Jim White accompanies them on their tour. Doors open at 7 for the 7:30 p.m. show. Tickets are $15 and available online at www.theark. 10B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, February 9, 2006 The Michigan Daily