Monday February 6, 2006 arts.michigandaily.com artspage@michigandaily.com RlSe idigan 3tilg 5A lust call it a 0Pretentious chair shots Three times in the past month, a relatively sane group of college boys (myself chief among them) relaxing at a random party were coaxed into a fiery, unhinged bout of nostalgia and zeal (complete with- howled catchphrases and drunken imitations) at the mere mention of one word: Wrestling.< But why, when The Rock is now a C-list Hollywood freak? Why, when the beer-fueled war machine and culturally transcendent Stone Cold Steve Austin is old, and one bad "bump" Evp (the term used for any fall) away from a wheel- MCGA chair. Why, when Shawn Michaels, who in the mid-'80s gyrated around the ring in chaps, is a born-again Christian who often refuses storylines he deems too scandalous. Because aside from our heroic nostal- gia, wrestling is interesting at its core. Defending wrestling breaks down like this. It's fake; everyone knows that. Get over it. You know how "Swan Lake" is going to end, too. Physical storytelling, the tight choreo- graphing of moves, the amazing ability the performers have to not kill each other while making it look like they actually are - these are the qualities that make wrestling entertaining, and, yes, perhaps a bit deeper than you think. If you like huge wrestlers, titanic, impressive production values and plots that blend surprising amounts of drama with actual wrestling, World Wrestling Entertainment - a longtime industry giant - looms large. The second major American promotion, Total Nonstop Action, has skimpier sets and stories, but makes N up for it with an athletic style RVEY heavily influenced by Mexi- FA AR they'd remade "Breakfast at Tiffany's" with gaucho pants and shorter cigarettes. But at least the girl is hot. Jill Johnson (Camilla Belle, "The Ballad of Jack and Rose") is stuck babysitting at a lake house 30 minutes from civilization. As she sits alone in the cavernous house, someone begins calling every 15 minutes. He grows increasingly creepy. At first, he says nothing, and only breathes heavily on the other end. Then he asks who she is. Then he begins to leave subtle hints that he can see her. Then she finds a body. Etcetera. You can fill in the rest. The digital-age reconstruction of a hackneyed plot fails to breathe any new life into the comatose American hor- "Hi, I'm calling for Lavalife. Is this where I can meet hundreds of attractive singles in my area?" ror-movie dynasty. It consists of the same camera tricks, creepy musical flourishes, false alarms and attractive young women (who always manage to get wet) seen in any other teen horror film of the past few years. That said, the movie does manage to create some sem- blance of fright. For a few moments, when the killer's location is revealed, we find ourselves clenching our sodas with slightly whiter fists. Director Simon West ("Lara Croft: Tomb Raider") makes good use of corpses, and the house itself, in all its ruthless geometric moder- nity, adds to the suspense. But a few scares cannot make up for all the horrible dialogue, the laughably pointless ending, the subpar per- formance of a fledgling actress and all the unendurable corn. The heavy breathing into the phone, for example, is so ridiculous that the audience might be let down to real- ize the killer is not, in fact, Darth Vader. The writers, in an apparent act of desperation, also throw in a couple of Christ references. Just after the open- ing sequence, the camera pans to a neon sign in the middle of a fallen little town that reads "Jesus Saves." Films like this make us wonder, "Does he?" can and Japanese techniques. OK, OK, maybe that's more about wrestling than you wanted to know. The point is, cut us some slack. At least we're not into meth! And besides, if I pretend to care about "Grey's Anatomy" (OMG! 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