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Coupling Up
s Sex Colurn

UHS to practice setting up emergei
o infiel, irctr f Uivrs
SBy Do ug

s winter blows nearer,'people tend to
Acouple up. Clubs actually stay with-
in their legal capacities and fewer
drunks roam the streets. Our friends mys-
- " teriously stay in on the weekends, declaring
that "it's just too cold to go out." Often they
are caught with newfound cuddle-buddies.
This phenomenon, I believe, is due to the
painfully frigid temperatures and the fes-
tivities of winter holidays, both of which
are easier to endure with an extra someone.
Therefore, if you catch yourself waking up
next to different potentials each morning,
now is the time to select that one person to
consistently keep you warm - and inside
the house - for the new semester.
The first step to coupling up is seduc-
tion. After you have chosen the prospect
who offers the best sex, body, personality
and sense of humor, you have got to put it
on him or her. Regardless of whether you
have already slept together, you must plan
for one satisfactory night (or day) of alone
time. This requires a little preparation.
First, propose a date in which you prom-
ise an expert massage and a gourmet meal.
Hopefully you won't make it to the meal,
so don't put too much effort into the food.
When Mr. Lucky arrives, have some Usher

in the mix; think "Seduction" or "Dot
Com." Slowly take off all his superfluous
garments and begin a slippery massage
complete with kissing, licking, nibbling
and sucking (on fingers of course!). Also,
don't forget the ears, neck, back and chest
areas; toying with the bellybutton is an
excellent precursor to hitting the money
spot. Once you have made your prey com-
pletely relaxed, it is time to go in for the
kill.
The key to'leaving him or her aston-
ished and satisfied is to know (I mean
really know) what you are doing. Research
or ask around for some exciting new posi-
tions, and don't get too hung up on just
one. Keep the lovin' reasonably rough,
and remember to stay in control; authority
can be established by firmly commanding
what to do next and by explicitly instruct-
ing how to do it. This is your chance to let
the inner dominatrix peek out. But don't be
too intimidating - leave the leather, whips
and chains in the closet. Instead, keep Mr.
Lucky encouraged (and unalarmed) by
precisely relating your bodily sensation
and frequently inquiring about his.
Once both of your pinnacle moans have
occurred - hopefully at the same time

- take a short, energizing nap; you both him recall the wondrous memories of the
should need it. Provide a small snack when seduction phase, and this one should be in
he wakes up, and the first step to couple- the bag (or in the bed).
dom is complete! However, after you have Though you may feel like you have
given Mr. Lucky the best nookie in his just won a three-hour game of Monop-
recent memory, it is now your obligation oly against a competitive MBA student,
to keep him from going to anyone else for you must bear in mind that the situation
it. If he is a good boy, he should already is no longer just a game. When you have
be yours for the taking. But, if he is a true that special number one in your life, you
playboy, it can be quite tricky. Here is have to keep things. fresh in the romance
where my friend's trusty philosophy, the department to make it last. Stock up on
Golden Dick Theory, comes into play. toys, or even spare the expense by using
The playboy is usually the man with household objects such as cameras, ties,
multiple women vying for his attention and scarves, showers and washing machines.
his golden member. If this sounds anything Get creative and bring a chunk of ice from
like Mr. Lucky, there is one way to make outside into the bedroom. Maybe it's final-
him change his promiscuous ways. After ly that time to be frisky and risky in the
you put it on him in the seduction stage, Grad when no one is looking. Once you
you have to stop calling him and avoid all have taken the initiative to capture your
his phone calls. You must be that one in a target, always remember to talk dirty, stay
million who breaks it off with him. Such innovative and to think of new settings.
a smack to his ego will leave him bewil- If you continue to make your own rules
dered, and he will pursue you relentlessly in the bedroom, Mr. Lucky could end up
out of mere confusion. Though this may being much more to you than just Mr. Sec-
sound like a paradox, the Golden Dick ond Semester.
Theory always works like magic. After
he comes crawling back, begging for your Look for Brooke around campus. She'll
attention, simply give that ultimatum: the be the one wearing the mistletoe hat. She
groupies or you - no exceptions. Help can be reached at basnyder@umich.edu.
Brave New World

i;he Michigan Daily: What do
you think University Health
Services can improve on?
Rob Winfield: We have three
things we try to do. One is direct
patient care and I think we can do
:ette at making the experience of
coming to the health center easier. I
think we can improve our access
and improve our wait in the
waiting room and improve the
efficiency of the service. I
think there's always more
to do in terms of improv-
ing quality. As long as I've
been in medicine, I've seen
increasing focus in improv-
ing quality and safety and
we're a part of that. It's not
easy to change things that
are just part of the sys-
tem, but we're working on
that. The third area that's
important is the issue of
campus preparation for
things like pandemic
flu or avian flu or being
prepared for other major
illnesses or outbreaks and
we're working on that con-
tinuously. I think we're one
of the universities that's ahead
of the curve.
TMD: Right now, what do
you do to handle an outbreak?
BW: Outbreaks are handled
according to a variety of vari-
ables. One is how contagious is
it? How lethal is it? You have to
adjust your response to exactly
what is going on. We had a case
of meningitis that we knew what
not terribly contagious, we had
to treat the people that were
close contacts and hope there
were no secondary cases.
December 21, we are having a

practice drill to set up an emergency
hospital that would be used for over-
flow of patients if the capacity of the
local hospitals was succeeded. That
will be at Palmer Commons and it
could accommodate 250 beds and
the health service and the health sys-
tem are working on that.
TMD: How closely do you work
with the University hospitals?
BW: We have a great partnership.
Most of our patients who are sick get
admitted to the medical center or go
to the emergency room if it exceeds
our ability. We work closely togeth-
er in the areas of psychiatry, work
closely together in the issue of infec-
tious diseases. I meet at least once
a month with an infectious disease
specialist and if I have a problem,
I'm immediately on the phone with
these folks. But we're a separate unit.
I report to the Dean of Students and
the Division of Student Affairs. The
health system reports to Dr. Kelch,
who is the executive vice president
of medical affairs.
TMD: How do you get your fund-
ing?
BW: Our funding comes from
two main sources. Two-thirds of our
money comes from student fees and
one-third comes from our fee for
service activities, which includes M-
Care patients and other faculty and
staff that come to us and also our
pharmacy revenues and a few other
fee-for-service things. We've done
some studies to be sure that work
we do for faculty and staff actually
brings in enough money to subsi-
dize the cost of the health service
so it's slightly reducing the student
fee expense by bringing in enough
money to pay for some of our opera-
tions.
TMD: Are all the doctors at UHS

fully licensed and fully certified?
BW: All the primary care physi-
cians are board certified either in
internal medicine or family medi-
cine and the nurse practitioners
and PAs are certified and licensed.
A person has to have one year of
internship or residency after medi-
cal school to become licensed and
they have to pass- an exam. We
require more than that. We require
that you have additional training so
you can pass specialty board certi-
fication.
TMD: Do you think there's a per-
ception that UHS doctors aren't as
good as normal doctors?
BW: We did a study in 2000 on
that and we asked the question about
- and this was 2500 students with a
73 percent response rate - and we
asked them to make a grade point
for their private family doctors
and their experience with health
service providers and each group
got a grade point of 3.42. The data
would say we are identically ranked
to private practice. I know, though,
that students who have a bad expe-
rience talk about it a lot and people
do have bad experiences. It's inevi-
table. Students network a lot, so if
you had a good experience - if you

A pple - C, A pple - V

I

Tech Column
By Forest Casey

X f you were brave enough to venture
out into the abyss of mail-in rebates
.. and early-bird specials that sur-
rounds our true national holiday of The Day
After Thanksgiving, I hope you lingered
around the electronics section long enough
to observe the throng of young kids herding
around the XBox 360 display. In the past
few years, the child's plea of, "Mommy, can
we go look at the toys?" has transformed
into "Mommy, can I stay and play games?"
Observing the habits of grade schoolers
playing video games, I feel like an anthro-
pologist stumbling upon an uncharted vil-
lage. They fidget and pace until it is their
turn, shout advice like their fathers on foot-
ball Sunday, all of them gleefully oblivious
to the signs reading "Due to product short-
ages, XBox 360s are temporarily unavail-
able".
And all of them, without exception, for the
hour that I sat and watched them on this Black
Friday, were unmuteable about graphics.
Not everyone is as enthused. The same
sort of anthropological observation can be
done on Internet message boards, though I
don't recommend it - it is far less cute than
observing kids. If you aren't careful, post-
ing on an Internet forum witha message as
innocent as, "I'm impressed by, the graphics
in this game," is enough to get your head

on a spear.
There's a growing contingent among oth-
erwise "normal" video game fanatics who
are far too superior to enjoy games for their
graphics. They call themselves New Media
Scholars, which means (I guess) that they
are very scholarly whilst playing video
games and reading blogs. And, although
this is a slight generalization, NMSs tend to
be pro-Nintendo and fervently opposed to
liking games because of their graphics.
At first, I regarded these new scholars as
a bit of a cute oddity. But they cease to be
odd and kitschy when you actually express
opinions about games.
Do you enjoy beating your friends at
"Madden," beating pedestrians up in "Grand
Theft Auto" or beating down your room-
mates at "Halo?" Well, too bad: Accord-
ing to NMSs, these games are all plebeian
and immature, lacking in character devel-
opment, organic control schemes and any
number of a new lexicon of buzzwords born
from a need to describe video games. The
New Scholars all seem to agree: the best
games have already been made - the new
games serve up the same plate of leftover
genre conventions year after year with only
minor graphical improvements and no drive
for true innovation.
These guys are snobs, right? Though it

seems as if I'm confessing a crime, I do like
things that are aesthetically pleasing. I don't
like playing "Ocarina of Time" because it's
just not as beautiful as "Windwalker." But
am I that far off? Would NMSs rather date a
4 or 5 with a perfect personality or the same
personality in an 8 or 9?
And then it hit me. Twice, actually. Over
the break, I grew despondent and disillu-
sioned about the whole business of video
games. Something my dad once said carne
back to haunt me. We were at the store rent-
ing a game for the weekend and Dad made
a comment about there only being three
kinds of video games: racing, shooting or
adventure. If you were lucky, Dad said, you
would get an adventurous shooting game. I
couldn't argue with him, but, at least back
in grade school, I didn't care: I liked those
genres, and they were enough for me.
But that was years ago. Since. then, I've
collected hundreds of coins, perhaps for
some greedy absentee father, sought out
dozens of keys for doors I didn't want to
open and waded through the River Styx of
endless sewer, fire and ice levels. I've raced
and I've shot and I've adventured, and I'm
bloody sick of it.
The second hit was far more pleasant:
It was the hit of a bongo drum. You see,
Nintendo's "Donkey Kong Jungle Beat" is,

from looking only at the screen, a typical
platformer with no graphical wizardry to
speak of where you guide your ape protago-
nist through the jungle collecting bananas,
or 'beats.' The clever innovation is that your
mode of input isn't a regular controller, it's
a pair of bongos.
How does it work? Hitting the left or right
bongo makes DK run either left or right,
clapping collects bananas. This sounds
scandalous at first - "What, t-they took
my controller away?" but it's fresh enough
to return anyone who has abandoned video
games safely back to the flock.
And you know what, the Scholars were
right - after an hour, I didn't care about
graphics. After four, I longed for my own
set of drums.
If changing an ancient gameplay
dynamic is as simple as picking up a set of
bongos, just imagine when the (Nintendo)
Revolution hits. I earnestly hope that an
anthropological study of next year's Black
Friday shows the kids and the Scholars
next to an empty XBox 360 booth, all of
them wowed by true innovation instead of
shiny graphics.
Forest now is not upset he didn't pick up
an XBox last week. He can be reached at
fcasey@umich.edu.

ALI OLSEN/Daily

10B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, December 1, 2005

The Michigan Daily -