8 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, October 21, 2005 ARTS Remake can't get off the ground By Mary Kate Varnau Daily Arts Writer America shoveled $12 million last weekend in the direction of Rupert Wainwright's "The Fog," a sub-par John Carpenter- The Fog remake (and the At the Showcase second this year and Quality 16 after "Assault on Columbia Precinct 13"), con- firming audiences are still willing to cede their paychecks over to anything touting some WB stars and the promise of a few cheap thrills come Halloween season. "The Fog" brings new meaning to the expression "scared stupid" - really stu- pid. The film takes place on an island off the coast of Northern California, where 100 years after the gold on a lepers' ship was stolen to found the town, the city council erects a statue as a tribute to its forefathers. A heavy fog rolls over the island on the day of the unveiling, car- rying an army of shadowy, corpse-like figures. The fog proceeds to pick off 'Domino' falls and can't capture reality Courtesy of Columbia "Close the garage door, open the windows and breathe." the islanders one by one in increasingly creative fashion: stabbing people, set- ting them on fire, turning people to ash, drowning them and sucking them out of windows like a tornado. No worries, though, because this is a horror movie, so viewers can be assured that the three most attractive cast mem- bers will survive. "The Fog" is principal- ly an excuse for these hot 20-somethings to run around, scantily clad and scream a lot. But it even fails at that. Awkward camera movement plagues the lone sex scene, between Tom Welling ("Small- ville") and Maggie Grace ("Lost"). And Selma Blair ("Hellboy"), playing her typical "sexy bitch" role, succeeds at only creeping moviegoers out when she per- forms household chores wearing bikini underwear in front of her eight-year-old son. If "The Fog" only purports to capture the teenage demographic with. overplayed scary-movie conventions, a weak plot might be forgivable. But too many parts of the film simply don't make sense. The film has moments that just don't add up - the fog seems to kill everything it touches, yet Tom and Maggie keep cruis- ing through it without too much trouble. Throughout the film you become so busy in the "wait-why-did-only-that-one-dead- guy-come-back-to-life?" flux that you forget to watch the movie. Inexplicably, the film somehow man- ages to be scary. It travels all the familiar paths - things popping out unexpect- edly, ghosts flying behind the big-chested frightened girl, booming and low-pitched pounding noises before each death - the Fog" is frightening. It features the kind of scares that come and go in the moment, fading fast enough for audiences to forget that in just a couple weeks they'll watch "Saw II" to go through the same motions all over again. lurid sex and pop-culture sight gags in place of a coher- ent narrative. To her credit, Keira Knightley ("Pirates of the Caribbe- an") looks great in the title role, but by confusing Domino with the same strong-yet-vulnerable heroine she's played in previous films ("Pirates," "King Arthur"), she cuts off any insight into the real Domino. Knightley's performance, like much of the film, is busy and colorful but completely lacking in substance. Perhaps the shifty camera tricks and jarring editing were intended to hide this, along with the film's biggest problem - the utterly vacuous screenplay by "Donnie Darko" mind-bender Richard Kelly. Instead of delving into Harvey's complex and multifaceted life, the movie's only recurring plotline centers on a severed arm with a combination written on it. Though director Tony Scott ("Man on Fire") has said he never intended the film to be an exact biography of Harvey, he didn't have to turn it into "Bad Boys III." The film ignores many of the most intriguing parts of Dom- ino's life, such as her relationship with her father, the late actor Laurence Harvey, and her bisexuality, silenced by a love-story subplot co-starring Spanish actor Edgar Ramirez. Mickey Rourke ("Sin City") and Ramirez play Ed and Choco, the rest of Domino's bounty-hunting family, in functional performances that do what they can with the ultra-thin material. Christopher Walken also makes an Courtesy of New Line "I just can't catch a break with this film's reviews. Ha!" appearance as a TV producer tailing the clan, which in turn brings Brian Austin Green and Ian Ziering into the picture as "celebrity" hosts of the reality show. The two former "90210" actors don't necessarily make "Domino" any better, but it's a joy simply watching their awkward attempt at ironic acting. Though the film crowds itself with too many support- ing characters and too little logic, comedienne/actress Mo'Nique (TV's "The Parkers") proves to be a scene- stealer. Even in the film's most ridiculous scenes, she is center stage, poignant and often hilarious. Alas, she is wasted in the film, as is Lucy Liu ("Kill Bill Vol. 1") The University alum gives yet another bitch-ridden performance as the FBI investigator assigned to ques- tion Domino. Even as the movie stretches itself to an unconscionable 127 minutes, we still never really understand Domino, her motives or desires. We do meet a lot of people that she probably met and learn that she gave up her wealth to live as a bounty hunter, but the film's over-arching superficiality assures that's all we'll ever know. Domino's clandestine mantra is "Heads I live, tails I die." After a while, you too will hope for sweet salvation. Hurri "Canine" Relief: Dog Walk-a-Thon Oct. 2210am - p Gallup 0 -7- O1 What is a lawyer? A debater? A fighter? Or more than that? A creative problem solver. A principled advocate. A rigorous and versatile thinker. Explore the broad expanse of the law in a school devoted to the big picture.