ARTS The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, October 5, 2005 - 9 THE HOTTEST PICKS IN ENTERTAINMENT FROM A DAILY ARTS WRITER Fantasia - The American Idol winner revealed she is functionally illit- erate. No jokes here, how about some props for a woman overcoming impossible odds and trying make some change? Besides, she'd probably still smoke Paula Abdul in a spelling bee anyway. 'A History of Violence' - David Cronenberg's latest crime thriller opened to wide critical acclaim and became the best-reviewed film of the year. Sure Viggo Mortenson is the star, but this one is definitely not for fan-boys. Rather, it is a surprisingly insightful commentary on our culture of violence. 'Saturday Night Live' - NBC's late-night gem began its 31st season last weekend. Horatio Sanz sat in for new mother Tina Fey on weekend update and bombed. But Will Forte stole the show once again with a surprisingly realistic impression of the "Commander in Chief" and the addition of two talented new cast members promises a memorable sea- son. Sex appeal entertains despite bad acing By Amos Barshad Daily Arts Writer In a way, "Into The Blue," starring Paul Walker's abs and Jessica Alba's ass, is brilliant. What, the twisted storyline? The cutting-edge editing? The crisp, involving performances? No, no - the film avoids com- petence in such traditional ave- Into the Blue nues. Instead, "Into The Blue" At the Showcase scores high marks in general and Quality 16 contrivance. Blame producers MGM Rick Dallago and Daniel Zevon: Aware they would have to cram mannequins into lead roles, they sought out a con- cept with minimal dialogue for the two to bungle. Imagine it: Studio Head: We need a new one for Walker and Alba, and keep it short on the dialogue. Screenwriter: OK, check this out - they're men- tally deficient lovers! No, wait - Alba's deaf, and they communicate through sign language! OK, now I've really got it - they're underwater! Studio Head: Brilliant! Now we can get Alba in a bikini! With this as his starting point, director John Stockwell ("Blue Crush") brings us yet another hair-raising nautical adventure. This time, we're in the Bahamas. Walker is Jared - a failed treasure hunter - and Alba plays Sam - the reluctant but loyal girlfriend. Jared's lawyer friend Bryce (Scott Caan, "Boiler Room") rolls into town with new girlfriend Amanda (Ashley Scott, "S.W.A.T.") to stake claim on a house and boat won in a settlement. Before we know it, the guys are Courtesy of MGM Adwk Ashton Kutcher - One of the most talked about Hollywood couples finally got married last week. Bruce Willis, still obsessed with doing his ex-wife one better, is understand- ably shell-shocked and consider- ing foregoing Lindsey Lohan and having that all important conver- sation with Dakota Fanning's par-4 ents. Pretty people making out; no need for a plot. doing 360s on jet-skis and dropping "bro's" like it's written into Bahamian law as a vocal period. During a subsequent snorkel trip, the foursome discover both a sunken drug-smuggling plane filled to the brim with white gold and the remains of the Zephyr, a 17th century pirate ship. Hence the dilem- ma: Should Jared traffic the drugs in order to buy equipment and fulfill his dream of uncovering a treasure? Or should he do the right thing? Like the railroad-car-off-the-edge-of-the-cliff scene in "Back To The Future III," this is the point of no return. Viewers willing to accept the fact that Jared, who has dedicated a majority of his life to treasure hunting with absolutely no suc- cess, stumbles upon both a drug dealer's cargo and an ancient pirate ship in the same day, 100 yards apart, can continue. Otherwise, exit here - it only gets worse. When Bryce goes behind Jared's back to move the Chris Rock - Stand-up standout, with his mixture of vulgarity and insight, may be the hottest thingf in entertainment today. His new sitcom just opened to rave reviews ,and his last film, "The Longest Yard" was recently released on DVD. With a sequel to his other summer blockbuster "Madagas- car" in the works. Rock should be set for the next few years. cocaine, he inadvertently attempts to sell it back to its owner, a British guy who says soccer and refers to the ocean as "The Octopus's Garden." And it just gets more convoluted: Jared attempts to retrieve the coke, Sam leaves, Amanda gets eaten by a shark and no one cares. Then Sam comes back, a car chase, a shootout, more shark attacks, spears/ axes, chopped-off fingers and a boat chase abound. There's enough time left over for the underwater explosion, jazz hands and happy ending. While Alba tightens her death grip on the "hot- test-chick-in-the-biz" championship belt, the utter- ly forgettable "Into The Blue" will do wonders to wash away that "Sin City" buzz. And while she's still most likely on her way to the upper echelon of Hollywood actresses, "Into The Blue" will serve as a stark reminder of just how bad she can be. As for Walker, it's sudden-death time; the next hyped-up debacle might well be his last. Poor technique mars local director's debut By Mary Kate Varnau For the Daily Courtesy of Paramount WANTFREE STUFF AND SOMETHING TO ADD TO YOUR RESUMEI WRITE FOR ARTS. 420 MAYNARD ST. It's hard to resist the intimate atmo- sphere of the ...._ ....__ Michigan Theater Dreammaker screening room. When Christina At the Michigan Morales Hem- Theater enway person- Sony Pictures Classic ally introduces her debut film and her husband thanks the many community members who have turned out, viewers want to like the film. Goodwill can only carry a film so far though. Truth be told, the film is not review- able by professional standards. Hem- enway's film plays like a longer, more elaborate version of something you might see in a second-year film-produc- tion class. "Dreammaker" pivots around Esmerelda, "psychic to the stars," and her Hollywood clientele. Each charac- ter is asked what they want most in the world, and the film weaves a tangled web of deceit that the characters popu- late in pursuit of their desires. Much of Hemenway's camera work is amateurish, namely several extreme close-ups of faces that are utterly out of focus. The script is passable, but nothing inspired; there are about a dozen origi- nal lines and half as many well-crafted moments. And "Dreammaker" is funny in a cute kind of way, though the one laugh-out-loud scene goes on for about a minute and a half too long. Then there's one provocative shot (a comedian screaming in the bathtub), but even then, the effect of the image is obscured by Hemenway's poor tech- nique. And it's this lack of skill that sinks the film, most noticeably the atrocious mic work. When the film cuts from one angle to another in the same scene, the buzzing noise in the background notice- ably changes. A particularly jarring moment occurs about 20 minutes into the film: A char- acter is supposed to pour champagne off camera, but because of bad microphone positioning, it sounds less like back- ground noise and more like he's dump- ing the bubbly out in buckets. "Dreammaker" is like your aver- age high-school play. The filmmaking technique, the performances - it's all watchable in a benign, pedestrian sort of way. The story is kind of cute, or at least, it won't bore you to tears. But life is short and "2046" is playing next door.