Thursday0 September S, 2035 arts.michigandaily.com1 artspage@michigandaily.comRS aa Courtesy of Warner Independent Courtesy of 20th Century Fox SEX COMEDIES, ADAPTATIONS OF COMICS MAKE A SPLASH T his summer, speculation on a box-office slump went from a Hollywood conspiracy theory to the national spotlight as news outlets everywhere reported or high-profile bombs from "Kingdom of Heaven" to "The Island," "Bewitched" to "Stealth," which collec- tively led to the weakest summer in revenue since 1997. And so the era when a full slate of Jessica Albas and Michael Bay moviesa e and Batmobiles could win summer moviegoers over was no more. But summer '05 wasn't a total wash.There was a myriad of celebrity gossip (Russell Crowe beats concierge with telephone! Tom Cruise takes Katie Holmes hostage!), people spent more than a month in line for a single film and a long-dormant franchise was reborn with one of the most accomplished comic-book movies ever. The months flewesw by, but not all of it is in a haze. If you didn't go to the movies this summer, here's what you missed (or didn't miss) at the multiplex. Compiled by Daily Arts writers Amanda Andrade, Jeffrey Bloomer and Zach Borden Crowe angry! Crowe smash! Russell Crowe scored three Oscar nominations in as many years, headlined two Best Picture winners and rose.from critically lauded obscurity to A-list sex god. Now, he's a surly bully with a movie bomb and at least 30 extra pounds. Crowe kicked off his PR nightmare this year by decrying actors Harrison Ford and Robert DeNiro for hawking international products, thereby violating their "fucking social contract" (Rousseau would be so proud), only to trump himself by allegedly assaulting a hotel worker with a telephone. His reprieve should have come with the well- reviewed "Cinderella Man." Sadly, the movie, otherwise known as "Seabiscuit 2," probably would have done better if the horse boxed and the moody Aussie was put out to sleep. Sex gags rule It's been years since Hollywood scared itself into an MPAA-sanctioned corner of "clean" comedy - where it's OK to have sex so long as it is a frantic, 30-second embarrassment in a cramped space - but this summer the crude finally ruled again. Sure, "Monster-in-Law" and "The Longest Yard" drew crowds, but neither of them had anything on the R-rated "Wedding Crashers," the almost-$200-million comedic behemoth that outgrossed action flicks that cost five times as much to make. And now, with a leggy run for "The 40-Year-Old Virgin," it's clear that the R-rated comedy is hereto stay. It's a moment to cherish for 15-year-old boys everywhere: The T&A they have been so rudely deprived of since the "American Pie" heyday is now just a casual sneak in away. Penguins, Moore-lite America's love affair with documentaries. continued with the little French nature documentary that could "March of the Pen- guins," which became one of the season's biggest surprises. Audiences were also charmed by watching inner-city preteens get dance lessons ("Mad Hot Ballroom"), energized by fast-paced hip-hop routines ("Rize") and had their adrenaline pumped up a notch thanks to some quadrapalegics playing an unlikely extreme sport ("Murderball"). And here's the most exciting part: People went to see these movies even though Michael Moore had nothing to do with them. (Contrary to popular belief, he a wasn't one of the plumper penguins.) ~ Show's over The sight of Jessica Simpson washing a car in nothing but that skimpy pink bikini z M .*might be the only reason that the critically mauled "Dukes of Hazard" raked in more -f than $30 million in its opening weekend. The fact that all those boys too shy for Inter- net porn spent their allowance on Simpson's airbrushed legs as soon as possible might explain the enormous second-weekend dip that ensured the Good 01' Boys were a one- Egaweekend wonder. Meanwhile, Nicole Kidman's long-awaited "Bewitched" proved less than magical, while audiences jilted "The Honeymooners" at the cinematic altar. But all puns aside, people, please stop making these movies. Explosions lose their bang While low-cost comedies and documentaries raked in the big bucks, $100-million-plus action tentpoles lagged behind. "Stealth," "The Island" and even "Kingdom of Heaven" - from Ridley "Gladiator" Scott, the new master of the historical blockbuster - massively underperformed at the box office. Maybe audi- ences know who Josh Lucas, Jamie Foxx, Orlando Bloom and Ewan McGregor are, but will they really rush out to see a big movie because they are starring? Guess not. Courtesy of New Line No, I love you ore There's no point making fun of that beyond-bizarre TomKat multimedia spectacle anymore. That it's a hoax has been reported since day one, and that it's overex- posed has been established in even the most masturbatory pop-cul- ture rags - but that it might prove lucrative? There's a scary notion. Yet Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise scored two of the biggest blockbusters of the season ("Batman Begins" and "War of the Worlds"). Meanwhile, "Mr. and Mrs. Smith" :. ? inexplicably drew box-office receipts to the very sweet tune of $184 million in the Cv3*, . kUnited States alone. To say that the public's insatiable fascination with the Brange- 1 ""' """'slina phenomenon might have helped'the gimmicky, lame-looking movie is a bit like saying Tom Cruise ought to look into a new publicist. Or, given the numbers, t>. r,". : . rv..'ta perhaps dignity is just a liability. ...''k.,° A star is born n r °.P s . '3 atsOK, so even, if you combine the box-office returns of all three movies Terrence Howard made this summer, youd still end up with a figure smaller than the ~likes of, say, "Fantastic Four." But with dazzling turns in the ensemble seeper " Crash," Sundance favorite ,Hustle & Flow" and John Singletons"Four Broth- ative unknown to an Entertainment Weekly cover boy, and as if that isn't R ' impressive enough, he did it with scene-swiping performances in some of 4. ' the summer's most provocative movies. To hell with it, we're even willing to rforgive him in advance for his forthcoming stint opposite 50 Cent in "Get Rich o i r n. " ° zr t In a multiplex not so far away... 4;"at ,Twenty-eight years later, George Lucas finally completed the beloved i science-fiction opus with "Titanic in Space" - er, "Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith." Fans dressed up as Obi-Wan and Darth, lined up a month before the movie opened and ~~~~~~~Courtesy of 20th Century Fox geswaI a tl H f 3}< rG~lpretty mediocre! How exactly is this one better than the other pre- quels? It had the same wooden acting, the same barebones dialogue and Anakin's dark descent proved to be the ultimate anticlimax Naturally though, it became the summer's biggest hit. Everyone's to blame for this one: Even if you thought it was "just OK," you still .paid to see the damn thing six times. Not exactly ascreama Of". i-It's considered a rule of thumb in Hollywood that teenag- e l' 9x K b yers will never get sick of watching horny caricatures ofBrs ___on the big screen, but sometimes even the most enduring '22 t D a American pastimes hit a rough patch. This summer, "Dark 15 REt A. 1 r St was the least of "High Tensions" problems. Meanwhile, rAE 9 NEET....... .