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16B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, April 7, 2005

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the capricious lifelwith Adam Burns
No, TmAT'S NOT MY ORDER

If there's one thing I've learned
in my time here at Michigan, it's
that we can protest the crap out
of anyone. If the Rose Bowl was a
battle between the best protestors of

two rival schools instead of the best with a disappointing bowl record, it
football players, the Wolverines sim- does not change the fact that we rule
ply would not have lost the last two at protesting.
Rose Bowls. Sadly, it is not a pro- I have witnessed numerous demon-
testing contest, and while we are left strations and protests against things


ranging from war, God and Coca-
Cola to shooting doves, divestment
and the Honorable Antonin Scalia
on campus. As a hardcore member
of the radical right, these protests
have given me great pain, partly
because I love Coca-Cola, but most-
ly because I know that all these pro-
testors should be directing their rage
at the villain that looms in our very
own Michigan Union: Wendy's.
Much like walking across the
fountain at Ingalls Mall and danc-
ing on the "M" after completing
the first blue book exam, being
treated like garbage by the staff at
the Union Wendy's is a quintessen-
tial experience for students at the
University. As an employee at South
Quad's Cafe ConXion, I know that
good customer service is essential
to keep people coming back to the
store, unless of course they happen
to live 100 feet away and will shop
there out of convenience regardless
of how they are treated. The folks at
Wendy's also realize that people will
go places for convenience more than
for good service. As a result, they
are at their leisure to berate custom-
ers for doing terrible things, such as
asking for ketchup.
In order to have the privilege of
ordering food at Wendy's, you'd
better be able to not only hear the
cashier ask if they can help the next
person in line over all the other com-
motion of the Union, but also be able
to weave through the maze of people
waiting for their food in a time that
does not disgust the cashier. Once
you place your order, be prepared to
immediately be asked to step aside
and to find a place to stand where
you are A) not in the way of the line
and B) able to hear the staff mumble
that your order is ready.
The Wendy's staff is only fur-
ther infuriated if you do not rap-
idly approach the counter to take
the order they have called out. One
time, I ordered the same meal as a
person at the register next to me.
When the order was called out, we
looked at each other, both unclear as
to whose it was. When he asked the
woman whose it was, she responded
by dropping it on the counter with an
annoyed, "You decide."

It wasn't a proud moment for me.
Not only had I made the mistake of
giving money to Wendy's, I failed to
grab the bag in a timely fashion and
also to understand the process by
which the food is distributed to the
customers. I was a failure.
Of course, I went back to Wendy's
the next day to try to redeem myself.
I was so scared of messing up when I
ordered my Big Bacon Classic with-
out mayonnaise that I took too long
and ticked off the cashier, who made
sure that there would be mayonnaise
on my hamburger. A failure once
again.
The other week, I was at a Michi-
gan League Board of Governors
meeting, and the regional manag-
ers for all the Wendy's franchises at
Michigan were giving their report.
When they asked if there were any
questions, I was about to ask them if
they knew that the staff at the Union
Wendy's was very intimidating, but
I refrained.
I remembered a few years back,
when a Big Bacon Classic still cost
$5.04 and as luck would have it, I
had exactly $5.04 left on my Entree
Plus. I explained to the cashier that
the total would read $0.00 after
they swiped my card because I had
the exact amount left. They smiled
and said all right, but when it read
$0.00, they said I didn't have any
Entree Plus and I'd have to pay for
it. I sighed and paid.
I did it because I love capital-
ism, and I realized that a giant cor-
poration like Wendy's has to make
money in order for the world to keep
turning, and if they have to do it by
treating people like garbage, then
I'm all for it. Heck, I'll even pay for
the same meal twice.
So I ask you, BAMN, Coca-Cola
Campaign, divest from Israel people
and liberals everywhere, please turn
your attention to the crisis at Wendy's
that affects us all. I'd help but I have-
to finish this Big Bacon Classic.
Adam would like to stop eating
so much fast food, but he still hasn't
learned to cook anything besides
Ramen noodles. Send him your favor-
ite recipes. He can be reached at
burnsaj@umich.edu.