Tuesday March 8, 2005 arts. michigandaily. com artspage@michigandaily.com ARTS 5 PUNIT MATTOO Fox's American Idiots Mo' MONEY Mo) PROBLEMS G-UNIT MASTERMIND CENT DELIVERS SECOND By Evan McGarvey Daily Music Editor With a past that includes multiple gunshot wounds to the mouth, various broken record contracts, an incredible New York mix-tape career and 11 million cop- ies of Get Rich or Die Tryin' sold, it's possible to forgive the occasional self-indul- gence and self-aggrandize- ment on his second proper album, The Massacre. Crazy insane or insane 50 Cent The Massacre Shady/Aftermath 50m LP According to the man himself, 50 Cent recorded a body of over 60 songs from which he chose the 22 that make up The Massacre. What's troubling about this 2Pac like work ethic is that only about half of the album's tracks deserve to see the light of day. The first two singles, "Disco Inferno" and "Candy Shop," are both flaccid crossover jams with requisite pithy string sec- tions and mediocre Indian flutes, respectively. Being the godfather of G-Unit doesn't seem to be helping his artistic output, either. While he's never quite the perfect gentleman, he gets downright nasty toward the women on the aptly named "Get in My Car" and makes some Sylvia Plath-esque death wishes on the murky "I'm Supposed To Die Tonight." For someone who wants so desperately to join the rap hall of fame, 50 has made The Massacre out to be the typical achievement of post-Gold- en Age rap: pockets of weak musical filler buffered by incandescent singles. As on Get Rich or Die Tryin', 50 reaches musical peaks when he cuts loose and deliv- ers unfettered blitzkriegs of rage, party rev- elry or some combination of both. Though it may lead to death by mix tape roasting, he calls out both Jadakiss and Fat Joe for working with G-Unit/Shady archenemy Ja Rule on the relentless steel-drum and synth-fueled "Piggy Bank." As 50 Cent launches hallucinogenic barb after barb and proposes death to Jada, Fat Joe, Shyne and Nas, the beat, seemingly fueled Courtesy of Shady/Aftermath Ladies and gentlemen ... the softer side of 50 Cent. by pure malice and ecstasy, flies over listen- ers' heads like a squall of fighter jets. Worn-out Motown vocal loops on "Ski Mask Way" recall 50's pre-Aftermath record days and help to salve the pain of the bloated subur- ban-raps of "So Amazing." Sometimes he strays from the autobiographi- cal and taps into emotional narratives. Unfortu- nately, he only does it once on The Massacre, and "A Baltimore Love Thing" might be too oblique for the listeners expecting boilerplate verses. The week of The Massacre's release, G- Unit rookie and Dr. Dre protdg6 The Game, who coincidently has a multi-platinum debut album at the top of the Billboard charts, bashed 50 Cent on-air before 50 subsequently ex-communicated him from G-Unit. Later that week, members of The Game's clique launched shootings at two venues where 50 was report- edly present. Even for a man raised on death and seeming- ly unafraid of the afterlife, 50 Cent's approach to mortality is downright shocking. For all of Eminem's beef-squashing diplomacy on "Like Toy Soldiers," 50 just seems to fear destruc- tion that much less. He's turning on everyone in sight, seeming to mock mentor Eminem on "My Toy Soldier," and picking fights with whomever he wants. Here's hoping The Massacre will become a middling, if not solid entry, into 50's catalogue and not his death warrant. it's a cult. It must be. How else could you explain a karaoke competition consistently drawing in more than 25 million viewers each week, rescuing the Fox network from the ratings base- ment. "American Idol" first aired during the reality TV explosion a few years ago. While other shows have completely dis- appeared or have seen their ratings dwin- dle to the point of cancellation, "Idol"just won't go away. Now in its fourth season, the'show is stronger than ever, leading Fox to an important sweeps victory. I just can't understand why. How did this begin? The idea is sim- ple enough: a singing competition based on the "Star Search" model.. But "Star Search" never had numbers like these. The personalities on "Idol" aren't spe- cial, either. Ryan Seacrest manages to be more annoying than he is manicured. With his California tan, teeth whitened beyond belief and purposefully messy hair, Seacrest is the face of the manufac- tured, soulless entertainment industry. Paula Abdul won a Grammy in a Milli Vanilli-like coup but is best remembered for a video duet with an animated cat - she can't be considered a serious judge of talent. Randy Jackson has an affable personality but is boring nonetheless. And then there's Simon. Dubbed the ass- hole of "American Idol," Cowell imitates Anne Robinson, the caustic British host of the thankfully cancelled "The Weakest Link." He seems to get off from the audi- ence's hatred toward him and stretches to make "harsh" comments such as "That was extraordinary! Unfortunately, it was extraordinarily bad." For some reason these elicit boos from the insipid studio audience, feeding his already inflated ego. He's not so much witty as deluded: just another desperate character trying to become a star. The contestants have nothing to offer either. "Idol" winners might have great voices, but their music is devoid of any creativity or personality. Kelly Clarkson's songs have ripped off Christina Agu- ilera's sound and even reached out for the guitar solo of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs' "Maps." Rather than search for songwrit- ers or producers, the show throws out "artists" whose creativity is limited to selecting the right covers to sing. Season two supposedly featured two artists great enough to both be consid- ered the American Idol. The Ruben vs. Clay showdown became the television equivalent of the 2000 Presidential elec- tion with only a small percentage of the vote making a difference. 25 million votes were cast, all in an attempt to deter- mine which mediocre singer would get a better record deal. Ruben won by a slight margin, but his career was surpassed by runner-up Clay Aiken's masterpiece, "Invisible." With such lyrics as "If I was invisible / Then I could just watch you in your room," Aiken should be eager to point out that he doesn't write any of his songs. He just sings what his label gives him, whether it be grammatically incor- rect, creepy or both. And who can forget the true star of season three, William Hung? His annoy- ing persona and rendition of "She Bangs" refused to disappear, threatening the "credibility" of the show. Once again, however, a clever marketing trick man- aged to make this guy rich while other, more deserving artists were stuck with buyers' excuse of too expensive CDs. Even scandals have failed to slow "Idol" down. After less deserving acts in season three were able to continue to the show's later rounds, allegations of voting problems surfaced. Sides were taken, votes were checked and "Idol" refused to admit to any error. Broad- cast & Cable magazine looked into the incidents and found that, while each text message vote from sponsor AT&T's phones was counted, many people calling in were unable to get through because of overburdened phone lines. As a result of the crowded phone lines across continental America, Hawai- ians were able to get through with a disproportionately high success rate, allowing a sub-par native to stay on the show. Even with these allegations that seem to undermine the entire concept of the competition, people tuned in and accepted the producers' statements that nothing was wrong. So what can be done to stop "Ameri- can Idol?" Another scandal? Unlikely. Someone leaving? No, too much money is tied up in the show. No singers with star potential? Hasn't really stopped them yet. But there is hope. Music fans had to deal with America's pop fascination with Britney, *NSYNC and all the imitators, but eventually everyone grew up. Every empire must come to end - now it's "Idol's" turn. It's just a matter of time before its viewers come to their senses. - Punit owns three copies of "From Justin to Kelly" on DVD. Sing along with him at mattoop@umich.edu. crazy? After the past few months, it's hard to tell if 50 Cent is the next generation of the Rakim/B.I.G./Jay-Z New York lineage or sim- ply a man whose unprecedented success has rendered him paranoid and on the verge of self-destruction. 50's chameleonic flow - part Queens roughneck, part injury-induced Southern drawl - keeps clich6d guns-and-ammo joints like "Outta Control" and "This Is 50" above water. Gangsta rap feeds on each artist's street cred- ibility, so when he raps, "A lil' nigga hurt his arm, lettin off that Eagle, you know me / Black on black Bentley, big ol' black 9 / I'll clap your monkey-ass, yeah black on black crime," well, you try and argue with him. Hersch refesh es Whitman with jazz By Callie Worsham For the Daily In a unique jazz performance set to the poetry of Walt Whitman's "Leaves of Grass," Fred Hersch Ann Arbor will be Ensemble one of only six cit- ies to experience Thursday, March the Fred Hersch 10 at 8 p.m. Ensemble live. The $30-40 concert, which willMthe Lydia take place Thurs- day at 8 p.m., is the first time in Hersh's career that he has paired his music with poetry. No stranger to the world of jazz, the tour marks the release of Hersh's third album with Palmetto Records, but with more than 20 solo or bandleader albums and nearly 100 other record- ings as a sideman or featured soloist, Hersch, both the composer and pianist of the work, has been a professional jazz artist for 30 years. Hersch chose specific poems based on what he calls in a written statement sen- timents of "appreciation of the present moment, wonder at the miracle of nature in all its forms, freedom to be oneself and express that openly, and above all, Revamped 'Kama Sutra' blows By Bernie Nguyen Daily Books Editor As one of today's popular authorities on American femi- nine culture, Cosmopolitan magazine has already established itself in the social realms of fashion, cosmetics and The Cosmo relationships. With "The Cosmo Kama Kama Sutra: Sutra: 77 Mind-blowing Sex Posi- 77 Mind- tions," however, Cosmo's latest attempt blowing Sex at reinventing sex falls substantially Positions short of its lofty goal. The famed Kama Sutra, an ancient By The Editors of Sanskrit text, despite popular belief, Cosmopolitan much more than a guide to sexual posi- Hearst Books tions: It is a treatise on relationships and society, with only one of its seven parts devoted to sex. Cosmo's version, though updated for the modern reader with clever positions such as "Romp with a View" is less than revolutionary. Though it includes small sections on sex-related activities such as "Mood Makers vs. Deal Breakers" and "Lube Lowdown" (a guide to choos- ing the right lubrication), its primary focus - sex positions - is derivative and trite. Each of the 77 positions is illustrated with bright colors and sharp angles. Unlike other sex guides, which provide elaborate illustrations or photographs, Cosmo delivers two- dimensional figures that lack shading, realistic features or detail of any kind. Although the angles are varied in order to allow the most comprehensive view of each position, readers will have difficulty understanding the realistic dif- ficulties or advantages of each pose because of the absence of any anatomical detail. The illustrations' only appeal is the bold color scheme, which places the figures on back- grounds of bright yellow or electric blue. Visual learners will find Cosmo's depictions sadly lacking in constructive content - Ken and Barbie could do better. While Cosmo's positions are deficient in pictorial form, they are extensively explained by tongue-in-cheek instruc- tions. Each different pose has four sections: Cosmo's "Car- nal Challenge" in which each position is rated on a scale from 1-5 flames depending on difficulty, a set of "Erotic Instructions," background on "Why You'll Love It" and a Courtesy of UMS Fred Hersch leads his band this Thursday at the Mendelssohn Theater. open-hearted love of all beings." Ironically, Hersch, who is openly homosexual, chose not to use the "Calamus" poems - commonly known also as the "gay poems." He also decided to leave out some of Whitman's most famous works, such as "O Captain, My Captain" and "When Lilacs Last in the Dooryard Bloom'd." He decided to put "Leaves of Grass" to music shortly after reading one of Whitman's poems, "Song of Myself." "The words of Walt Whitman remain extraordinarily relevant today. They sound so contemporary that it is hard to believe many of the texts I have set to music were written more than 150 years ago," Hersh said. Performing alongside Hersch at the Lydia Mendelssohn Theater will be an eight-piece band and two vocalists, Kurt Elling and Kate McGarry. Elling is a six-time Grammy Award nominee. The band is composed of several musicians from Hersch's recent release. Hersch said of the piece, "For those who have not spent time with 'Leaves of Grass,' I hope this piece will make you curious to do so," Hersh said. "For those who know and love these words already, I hope my musical interpretation will allow you to consider them in a differ- ent light." "Cosmo Hint," small tips for variations on each new sexual exercise. In their attempt to maintain the titillating tone their magazine has made famous, Cosmo's editors have infused their text with superfluous alliteration, smarmy slang terms and an overabundance of superlatives that turn the would-be lighthearted instructions into tiresome, immature directives. Besides these basic shortcomings, "The Cosmo Kama Sutra" is narrowly focused. Many of the positions described would be impractical for couples in which either partner is larger than a size three. Twosomes with great height differ- ences will also have difficulty, not to mention the fact that a few of these positions simply do not seem possible - some organs of the human anatomy just don't bend that way. Sex according to this book has morphed from the physical seeking of pleasure into a whole lot of work, as illustrated by a section entitled "Pre-sex Stretches." Perhaps the best thing that can be said of "The Cosmo Kama Sutra" is that it meets expectations. The writing and the positions cater directly to its target audience of the same young women that read the magazine. This is also its weakest point. Instead of pushing the envelope with more sophisticated content, the editors of Cosmo are simply con- tent to leave their sex book in the comfortably mediocre realm of pop culture sexuality.