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October 21, 2004 - Image 14

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 2004-10-21

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2B - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, October 21, 2004
Random professes ove for Special K

The Michigan Dail

nofactzonelshort fiction

By Doug Wernert
Daily TV/New Media Editor

The Michigan Daily: Hi, is Lauren
Random: Yes.
TMD: Hey, what's up? I'm calling
from The Michigan Daily and you've
been selected to do this week's Ran-
dom Student Interview.
R: Sweet!
TMD: Yeah, do you got a few min-
R: Sure.
TMD: All right, first off: How was
your fall break?
R: It was fabulous.
TMD: What did you do?
R: Just hung out with my family and
went shopping and ate a lot of food.
TMD: Did you make any of the food
that you ate?
R: Yes, I did.
TMD: Did you bake a pie?
R: No, I made a cake actually. Choc-
olate chip.
TMD: Ooohh.
R: It was very good.
TMD: Did you go on any haunted
hayrides or haunted houses or stuff like
R: No, I didn't.
TMD: Some of them are pretty
scary. I don't go on them because I'm
afraid of ...tractors.
R: Hahaha, you're afraid of trac-
TMD: Yeah, little fear. First ques-
tion: Who's scarier: Mini-Me or the
R: The Oompa-Loompas.
TMD: Because of that song?
R: Yeah, I think it's maybe the
orange face and the green hair ... I
don't know ... I've always been a little
bit scared of them.
TMD: Yeah, they should show that
instead of "Halloween" or "Friday the
13." Just show the Oompa-Loompas
and I wouldn't sleep at night.
R: Hahaha.
TMD: Next question. Who's the bet-
ter captain: Captain Crunch or Captain

R: Um ... Captain Morgan. I really
don't like Captain Crunch.
TMD: What's your favorite kind of
R: I'm a big fan of Special K.
TMD: Special K?!? That's like the
blandest cereal you can buy!
R: Haha, I like it! It's good.
TMD: So why not Total?
R: I don't think I've ever tried Total.
TMD: You should try. It's got all
those vitamins and nutrients and stuff.
R: Maybe the next time I do some
grocery shopping, I'll pick up some
TMD: And then you'll think of me?
R: Yep.
TMD: Aww, you're too kind. Have.
you ever seen that show "Pimp My
Ride" on MTV?
R: I have.
TMD: Now if Xzibit knocked on
your door, would you freak out and
be like "OH MY GOD!" and then hug
him and knock him down and stuff?
R: No, I don't think I would jump on
Xzibit and hug him. I would be happy,
but I wouldn't freak out.
TMD: Are you scared of Xzibit?
R: Maybe a little. I'm afraid of a lot
of things.
TMD: Do you have a car that's bad
enough to be on "Pimp My Ride?"
R: I have a '94 Geo, so I think yes,
I do.
TMD: Do you think they'd be able
to pimp that out?
R: They could try. I'd like to see
TMD: Do you think there would be
room for a Jacuzzi in the back?
R: Maybe if they expanded it a little
bit, maybe.
TMD: Just a little bit. Are you excit-
ed for Halloween?
R: I'm very excited.
TMD: Do you have a costume
picked out yet?
R: Nope, I haven't decided yet.
TMD: Last year, I wasn't going to
dress up, but I ended up dressing up as
a woman.
R: Really?
TMD: Yeah, it was uh ... quite excit-

ing to see.
R: I'm glad it worked out for you.
TMD: Oh yeah, it was great. So no
ideas yet?
R: Um, no not yet.
TMD: You're not going to go with
the generic Scream costume, are you?
R: Oh no no no.
TMD: What about Jessica Simp-
R: Hmmm ... I don't know if I could
pull that off.
TMD: What about Ashley Simpson?
That could be easier.
R: Maybe.
TMD: Do you do pranks on people
for Halloween?.
R: No, not usually.
TMD: Has anyone ever pranked
R: Not for Halloween. For April
Fool's Day, a couple of my friends told
everyone they hooked up and freaked
us out and we thought they were going
out. It was all a big joke.
TMD: Wow, that sounds pretty
R: Yeah.
TMD: Do you still go around and
collect candy from people?
R: No, not anymore.
TMD: Didn't you used to hate those
people who gave away pennies instead
of candy?
R: I never got pennies. I used to get
apples and health food and stuff.
TMD: I got pennies every year. It
was real depressing to come home and
find out I got 17 cents.
R: So not worth the time.
TMD: Exactly. What's the better
name for an alcoholic drink: A Suck
Me Beautiful or a Screaming Orgasm?
R: I'd go with the Screaming
TMD: Yeah, that would be great.
Has anyone ever said to you "I'll give
you a Screaming Orgasm?"
R: Haha, I don't think anyone has
ever said that to me.
TMD: Has anyone ever said to you:
"Suck Me Beautiful?"
R: Haha, no.
TMD: Haha, you should try that

sometime. What do you think will
come back in style first: the coonskin
cap or the toga?
R: I hope neither.
TMD: Why not the toga?
R: Well, you could work that for
Halloween. That would be acceptable.
Definitely not the coonskin cap.
TMD: But Daniel Boone wore one.
Or was that Davy Crockett?
R: I really don't know. I don't think
anyone should strive to look like either
of them.
TMD: Not a fan of the "Explorers'
of the Wilderness," are you? Who was
a better old guy mentor: Mr. Feeny or
Mr. Miyagi?
R: Mr. Feeny.
TMD: Not Mr. Miyagi? He could
teach you all those karate moves and
get his house redone at the same time.
R: I just love "Boy Meets World."
TMD: So do I. Did you think Cory
and Topanga were a better couple than
Zack and Kelly?
R: Yes, they were cuter. Maybe a
little bit more realistic.
TMD: And Topanga never cheated
on Cory like Kelly did!
R: Exactly!
TMD: That was horrible. When they
broke up on Halloween, I almost cried.
R: I'm sorry.
TMD: I got over it, though. They got
back together.
R: Of course they did.
TMD: Who's a cooler guy named
Toby: Tobey Maguire or Toby Keith?
R: Tobey Maguire.
TMD: Yeah, gotta go with Spider-
man. What's a better ode to an animal:
"Who Let The Dogs Out" or "What's
New, Pussycat?"
R: I can't say I like either of those
TMD: Have you ever heard "What's
New, Pussycat?"
R: I'm sure I have heard it at some
TMD: It goes like this: (singing)
What's new, pussycat? Whoa whoa
R: Haha, thank you. Yeah, I guess
"Who Let The Dogs Out" is a little bit

more fun.
TMD: Just because my singing was
that bad?
R: Yes, that's exactly it.
TMD: Ouch.
R: I'm just kidding, you know that.
TMD: Yeah, I hope so. Maybe now
you'll never get your ride pimped.
R: Haha, all because of that?
TMD: Yeah, me and Xzibit are
boys. Which pet would you rather have:
Lassie or Curious George?
R: Curious George.
TMD: Yeah, unless you were stuck
in a well, Lassie couldn't really do a
lot for you. And Curious George ... I
mean ...
R: A smart little monkey.
TMD: And he had The Man in the
Yellow Hat. Do you think The Man in
the Yellow Hat never got any women
because he wore the yellow hat?
R: Haha, it's quite possible.
TMD: Do you think he should have
wore something else?
R: Maybe like a normal baseball
TMD: Yeah, like a backwards hat.
He could wear it sideways.
R: Yeah, The Man in the Yellow Hat
would go all ghetto.
TMD: Do you own an itsy bitsy
teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini.
R: I do not. Yellow is not really my
TMD: What about polka dot?
R: Maybe.
TMD: What about the Itsy Bitsy
Teeny Weeny part?
R: I do own a bikini.
TMD: Is it a two-piece or a one-
R: Two.
TMD: Oh, because they don't
make one piece, do they? Right!
Well, thanks for doing this and look
for it in Weekend on Thursday.
R: Thank you.

woke to a crisp spring wind
streaming through my window
that carried with it the smell
of honeysuckle and dew-covered
grass. The songs of mourning doves
and blackbirds mixed about me with
the aroma of my father's Saturday
pancakes. For nine months, I had
anticipated the last day of school
with an impatience I was hardly able
to bear. The spring had warmed the
air since March, and every day that
passed was one less spent in school
and one closer to climbing trees and
swimming. Coiled like a set spring
ready to burst, I laid therefor a long
time in reverence of the first day of
summer vacation.
The summers were the same every
year. In our neighborhood, there
was an inseparable group of five of
us that would spend it together fish-
ing, playing baseball, and forming
epic games of hide-and-go-seek. In
the cold of winter, we had dreamt of
these months and their adventures
with such concentration that even
when snow was piled two feet high
outside, we would talk about the
next July as if it were the present.
We met early that morning on the
stoop of my front porch. Our plan
had already been discussed, devel-
oped, and prepared for - we were
to build a raft to drift us down a
nearby river. We gathered out tools,
lumber, and designs and headed out
to an abandoned parking lot where
the building site was located. As we
pushed our full wagons down the
sidewalk we were interrupted.
Mr. McCormick had moved
into a house a few down

He was quiet and middle-aged,
keeping mostly to his garden and
back porch. Wearing the same
faded denim overalls that scarcely
stretched over his lengthy legs, he
was always reposed in a laid-back
position. Whether he sat or stood,
his hands were set with one resting
on the top of his large stomach, as
if he were satisfied by a large meal,
and the other lodged deep in his
pocket. Sometimes the hand he kept
in his pocket would come out slowly
and comb his long, rigid beard with
its fingers. I only saw him once
every few days rooting up his soil
for planting in the spring, but when
I did, Ifelt awkward; he would stare
down at me, waving slowly for a
long time.
"Good morning, boys!" he shout-
ed after us. He stood waving as we
pushed our carts past his garden.
None of us said anything or made
even a gesture in reply; we were
all uncomfortable from his zeal-
ous wave. We soon passed his yard
though and, absorbed with our raft,
quickly forgot about Mr. McCor-
Weeks after summer had begun,
our project was near completion.
We had finished everything except
assembling a steering system, rud-
der, and a false mast. The day that
it was river-worthy was swiftly
approaching, and our imaginations
were spurred by the adventures it
would certainly bring.
Most afternoons grew too hot
to endure, so we would quit
the day's work and spend time
examining and admir- ing
our progress. On those
days, we would return
to my yard and play
hide-and-go-seek wellX
into the evening. Though
we played regularly near
his house and garden, we hadn't

Once, while we were playing, I hid
in a honeysuckle bush below one
of his windows and thought I saw
him peering down at me from it.
Frightened, I looked away and
crouched tighter than before. A
moment later, I looked up to his
window and saw no one - I thought
I had only imagined him.
One afternoon, the heat had
relented to a tolerable level, so
we labored later than we normally
would have to finish the raft. By
dusk, the mast was up, the rud-
der was working, and our labor
was completed. To celebrate the
achievement of our raft, the five of
us sprinted to my yard to play hide-
and-go-seek. The sun was already
beginning to set, and our curfews
were approaching quickly. Regard-
less, we played several rounds -
our excitement for the raft was too
much to swallow by going indoors
and waiting for the next day.
I ran to hide in the spot I had used
days prior under Mr. McCormick's
window. Crouching deep inside the
honeysuckle bush, I was certain
I couldn't be seen by anyone out-
side. I hid quietly, patiently enjoy-
ing the cool night and the sweet
aroma of honeysuckle around me.
Several minutes passed, and I rel-
ished in my isolation. While wait-
ing, I reached up and pulled down
a cluster of blossoms to suck but
only tasted a few flowers before I
heard steps outside the bush. Drop-
ping the blossoms, I pushed myself
further back and remained there
as calmly as I could. From under
the bush's canopy I could make out
someone walking close towards
it, and I stiffened in fear
of being caught.
y~txtThe legs
4>neared the
4 .bush,

Z e
came into
my vision, I was
shocked to see the
faded overalls of
Mr. McCormick
hanging over his
old work boots.
Fear began to
swell inside my
throat when he stopped
and began to crouch to his knees.
moved swiftly away from him, an
slamming into the outside wall
his. house, I began to move upwar
against it. His hands landed on th
ground, his beard emerged fro
under the bush, and the rest of h
face appeared before me. Iscreame
and abruptly a filthy handkerchi
was shoved deep inside my mou
until I gagged. I tried to escai
from under the bush by clinging
the brick wall but only ripped dow
the excess mortar into my eyes. i
hands were around my waist, grip
ping it so forcefully, my legs we
locked, and he slammed me again
the brick again and again until
quit trying to break free. Once I la
motionless, he tore off my shorts at
with one hand held my face dow
on the clump of honeysuckle blo
soms I had dropped. Their sugar


from mine early
ast winter.


seen Mr. McCormick since our
first encounter weeks ago.

Writers: Jennie Adler, Steve
Cotner, Jordan Henry, Punit
Mattoo, Evan McGarvey,
Shubra Ohri, Doug Wernert
Photo Editors: Elise Bergman,
Tony Ding, Ryan Weiner
Photographers: Forest
Casey, Alexander Dziadosz,
Shubra Ohri, Ali Olsen, Peter
Schottenfels, David Tuman
Cover Art: Elise Bergman
Arts Editors: Jason Roberts,
Managing Editor
Adam Rottenberg, Alex
Wolsky, Editors
Editor inChief: Jordan Schradyi '


Subject to change and
availability. Taxes and
other applicable fees
not included. Fares
include roundtrip
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Prices are based on
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