1OR - Thy? Miter
Daily - Thursday, September 30, 2004
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ALEX WOLSKY - NDTE GEwERAON GAP
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The Michigan Daily -
ANDREW M. GAESIG - KNEE-L:AGIGETI
DON'T DESERVE YOUR PERVERT LOOK
FINDING SECOND CHANCES
S3
You only get one real second
chance in life. Your parents lied
to you when they told you that
"there's always tomorrow" because in
reality there was only one tomorrow, and
you blew it. However, sometimes people
are granted a second chance and a half,
or an extra opportunity to succeed in
life's offerings. This is undoubtedly due
to the law of second chances, and it best
displayed through a deconstruction of the
early '90s television show "Legends of
the Hidden Temple."
Released in 1994, the show mixed a
storyline with typical Nickelodeon game
show games, giving it a feel unlike any
other Nick game show. There were two
4hosts of the show, Olmec - a giant,
whimsical stone head - and Kirk Fogg,
some kind of explorer who's greatest
weapon was wit. Olmec knew everything
about the temple, and was the guardian of
the temple gates. The goal of the show was
this: Six teams of two, one boy and one
girl, race to get to the sacred temple. The
team that got through three physical and
mental challenges was granted access to
the temple to find a hidden treasure (usual-
ly in plain sight) within one of its rooms.
The winner of each challenge won
a gold pendent of life - something to
protect them from Olmec's guards in the
Temple. When you were captured by a
temple guard, you had to sacrifice a pen-
dent of life to continue. Thus, through a
series of mental and physical challenges,
the kids were essentially fighting for a sec-
ond chance.
The law of the second chance is good
news to most people - especially Bos-
ton Red Sox fans - because it frees
people from the paralyzing fear of failure.
Because of the law of second chances, fail-
ure can mean a person is still in the learn-
ing stage for success. To put it another
way: Any time a person fails to achieve a
goal, they are free - if not encouraged -
to experience, regroup and try it all over
again. Setbacks become stepping-stones,
and as "Legends" taught us, those setbacks
(temple guards) became a reason for us to
succeed in our other facets of life. If we
failed, the answer lies in training harder,
not within mere luck.
Walt Disney knew all about the law
of second chances. In 1923, in Kansas
City, Mo., his first attempt at running an
animation studio failed. With only 40 dol-
lars to his name and his drawing tools,
Disney moved out to West Hollywood,
Calif., where he borrowed $250 from his
uncle, set up shop in his garage and cre-
ated the world's first cartoon featuring a
soundtrack - and a character known as
Mickey Mouse. Willie Mays didn't get a
hit in his first 26 times at bat in the major
leagues. When he finally did, it was a
home run off of Warren Spahn. Admiral
Peary attempted to reach the North Pole
seven times before finally reaching it on
his eight attempts. Peary would die in the
frozen tundra within months of arriving.
George W. Bush isn't used to second
chances. When his oil company couldn't
find any oil in Texas - through no fault
of his own - it went bankrupt just as
he sold all his stock. He was never given
another chance to own an oil company.
When he lost the race for Congress, he
was never offered another chance to
run such a race - even though he had
lost through no fault of his own, elec-
tions being so often the "wild cards"
of politics. When he went AWOL from
the Texas National Guard, no one ever
offered him another chance to earn an
honorable discharge. Now, as a result, as
President he's overcompensating for all
of his previous grievances, handing out
"pendants of life" to all of his friends,
the Iraqi people and anyone else who
he deems necessary, including himself.
The roles have reversed - he's now
America's Kirk Fogg (Cheney is obvi-
ously Olmec).
In college you're granted the occasion
for many second chances. New semes-
ters make light of passing ones, and new
classes offer an opportunity to make
nice with new professors and GSIs who
don't remember your ridiculously low
percentage of attendance or your almost
surreal inability to use the letter "k" at
the beginning of a new sentence (check
it, not once in this entire column). So,
even though coming back to school
isn't quite as fun as running through the
Shrine of the Silver Monkey (it always
frustrated me when people couldn't fig-
ure this obstacle out), and now that we're
getting into the heart of the first half, lit-
tered with exams and first papers for many
students, this is a time of rejoicing. A time
of knowing that there really is "always
tomorrow," because you haven't been cap-
tured by a Temple Guard ... yet.
E-mail Alex at wolsky@umich.edu.
I
Gentlemen, I'm afraid you
all know what I'm talk-
ing about here. You see
a girl in a normal social setting.
You're acting appropriately - not
staring, cat-calling or nervously
twitching - and in return for your
acceptable social behavior, you
receive what my friends and I have
affectionately termed "The Pervert
Look." An unholy mix of contempt
and concern, it is a look that is all
too familiar to campus men. And
while I understand completely the
occasional need for a defensive
glance, I feel that most of the time,
The Look is given undeservingly.
I have been guilty of a great
many things: hubris, heart-break-
ing, lying and taking your breath
away (guilty as charged), to name
a few. One thing I have never been,
however, is some sort of moral
deviant. I have no tattoos, pierc-
ings, obvious signs of drug use or
unconcealed weapons.
I do my best to look like the
Gap commercials; my hair is sexy-
unkempt, not nutso-unkempt. And
while I'm at least occasionally
guilty of giving a pretty lady the
"Two-handed-gun-point-tongue-
click-wink," I am an otherwise for-
gettable passer-by.
So, fair maidens of Ann Arbor,
I wonder why y'all look at me so
funny. Like I want something.
Like my intentions are not entirely
wholesome. Like my shirt's not
pressed. It's a look that displays
a particular disgust, one that car-
ries with it far more than the bitter
envy my handsome looks inspire.
My less-arrogant half would like to
think it's just me, but I kicked that
half in the nuts and locked it in
basement years ago. These looks, I
fear, are too-often applied all over
campus to unsuspecting, undeserv-
ing young men. You know what I'm
talking about, guys.
There are some times, however,
when The Look is not only unnec-
essary, it's downright ridiculous.
All of the following situations have
been experienced by myself or
someone close to me. It is with bit-
tersweet satisfaction, friends, that I
present to you the "Circumstances
Under Which the Pervert Look is
Objectively Inappropriate."
When I'm holding the door for
you, and you're obviously bur-
dened.
This one really gets to me. Lis-
ten - if I don't hold this door for
you, you're either going to have
to put down the things you're car-
rying or make an awkward and,
very likely, unsuccessful attempt
to open the door. These sorts of
things used to be considered polite.
Now I get the initial "thank you"
half-smile, followed quickly by the
"No, I won't, you pervert..." scowl.
Easy there. Ma raised me right,
that's all.
When you (female) are standing
in the middle of the men's bath-
room and I enter in order to use
the bathroom.
Believe it or not, this is actually
a circumstance in which I should
give you The Pervert Look. Let's
put it more bluntly: If you're using
a communal men's bathroom, you
should expect men to enter. It also
shouldn't be a surprise that a guy
would give you the once-over, per-
haps wondering, oh, I don't know,
why you're in the men's bathroom
at I a.m. on a Saturday.
In the CCRB weight room when
I ask to work in a set on a machine
you're using. Also, when you ask
if you can work in a set on the
machine I'm using and I reply,
"Yes."
Many girls are probably sick of
being ogled at in the weight rooms
- this is something I can poten-
tially understand (though I know
little of weight rooms, I am often
ogled at). Sometimes, however, I'm
not checking you out. Sometimes
I just want to get on the damn
bench-press.
The latter situation - which,
yes, actually happened - is simply
inexplicable. Would you rather the
answer have been "no?" Seriously,
I'm doing you a favor that I expect
to be returned - in a karmic way
- by someone else, on a different
machine, on a different day.
When I order my sandwich.
Am I really so wretched that I
get a dirty look simply for ordering
a sandwich from a female server?
Despite my harmless intentions (to
eat), I still manage to inspire dread.
The lesser part of me thinks most
girls should consider this situation
an opportunity - for all you know,
I may never walk into this Jimmy
John's again. I could be walking
out of your dreams, past the "Free
Smells" neon, onto the less-trav-
eled road of life, Packard. Can you
really afford not to compliment my
sandwich choice? Criminy.
When you've just finished having
sex with me.
Really, if we've just finished
doing the nasty, is there any
good reason to look at me like
that? C'mon baby, I was good to
you, wasn't I? I left the cameras
and leather goods in the closet. I
remembered your name the whole
time ... almost. No? Fine then.
Have it your way. It's not like there
are a lot of Weekend columnists
out there, you know. You're really
passing up a great opportunity ...
A great many thanks to Dan, Mile2
and Alex, without whom Andrew
might've thought it was just him
If you think you can accurately
give him The Pervert Look via an
e-mail, do your worst. Contact him
at agaerigGumich.edu
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