0 0 0 0 12B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, April 15, 2004 The Michigan Daily - Weekend Mag Scorr SERILLA - HA TVE IT is, MAGAINST IT APRIL I S THE CRUELEST MONTH With great pride and satisfac- tion, I would like announce here for the first time to my family, friends and fans that I have final- g secured post-graduation employment. Yes I know things were looking a mite grim the last couple months, rejection letters were starting to pile up, and debt collectors growing irate. Aw but you, my many splendid well-wishers, may com- mence with the collective sigh of relief because all too soon I'll be joining the American workforce. Ahhh, feels good not to be facing the grim emptiness of not knowing what comes next, carrying that tentative anxi- ety in the pit of your stomach, stumbling toward graduation without a clue about the future. Can you imagine that with less than a week left in classes some poor fools are still hanging out on the prover- bial line, hoping a Vice President of Human Resources at some toilet brush distributor or wire hanger manufacturer will take pity on their generic cover let- ter? So where to for your favorite heart- throb columnist? I really should wait for the contracts and my hefty signing bonus to arrive, but oh what the hell, it's as good as done deal anyways. I'm just too keyed up to keep it to myself any longer. Anyways I have been taken on (trum- pet fanfare) as a crime beat reporter for the Anchorage Daily News in Alaska. I'll start immediately after graduation. No, I will literally have to drive immediately from the commencement ceremony on May 1 to the Kalamazoo International Airport where I'll board a two-man prop- plane which will take me as far as Portland, Oregon, after a few brief lay- overs in rural North Dakota and Wyoming. Once I arrive in the Northwest, I board a bus bound for Vancouver where I'm to catch a lift on a salmon boat in route to Ketchikan. Assuming the spring thaw hits as expect- ed, I'll make the pilgrimage via dog sled to Skagway and then trek on moose-back the rest of the way to Anchorage. My craggy manager editor is Tanner Buckster, a cigar-chopping ex-Marine originally from Louisville, Kentucky, who's never really adjusted to the climate change. Although he'll talk a tough game and ride me endlessly about deadlines, I'm sure we'll form a unique bond by which he'll allow my to follow my instincts on crazy one-in-a-million leads. I picture myself becoming a local inves- tigator of unsolved mysteries and strange anomalies, revealing the dark underbelly of the untamed, frozen wilderness, kind of a "Magnum PI" of the tundra. Standing up for justice and journalis- tic accuracy won't be easy in the waste- land of ice, so I'll have to recruit a ragtag group of mismatched friends to assist me in the inevitable adventures I'll encounter week-in and week-out. There will be Reggie Proudsoil, a half-Indian one-armed tracker and demolition expert who will show me the ropes of Anchorage's notoriously mean streets. There'll be kind-hearted Archie Peally, an AWOL Royal Canadian Mountie hid- ing on American soil from trumped-up horse-assault charges. Plus the sexy polar bear researcher, Dr. Amanda, who will turn away my advances with her razor sharp wit and pepper spray. And let's not forget the mysterious unnamed 80-year-old prospector who has mystical visions of future crimes every time he comes into town from his claim in the hills to buy mule feed. Ah yes, it promises to be quite the ful- filling life, rallying against the corrup- tion of evil Gov. Frank H. Murkowski and the ever encroaching Russian mafia. So keep an eye out for my wacky exploits, which will no doubt garner national media coverage. A Pulitzer is inevitable, a movie-deal as good as signed. If you're a handsome movie star looking to play me, you might want to go ahead and contact me before I take off because once the mystery solving gravy train starts a rolling, move your wrinkled ass out da' way Angela Lansbury. I'm coming through. - Editor's Note: Scott just pulled his final all-nighter of his undergrad career to finish a massive, overdue term paper At the exact moment he finished that mess, he received an e- mail turning him down for a job as a junior editor at a full figure women's fashion magazine. Depressed, he col- lapsed on his keyboard and when he awoke found this nonsense spewed out on the screen. Having already missed his sworn deadline, he quickly sent this off without reading it. The only wisdom he wished to impart was this: "Don 't let them send you to Grandma's so she can teach you gin rummy and make you bland." I ALI OLSEN/Daily JUICY' AN UNNECESSARY BILLBO FREE Lock* ($15 value) *call store for details The Storage Chest Jackson Rd N. W. Liberty Scio Church Rd " Month to Month Leases! " Save $ By Only Renting As Long AsYou Need To! " No Security Deposit! " Save $ When You Move In! STATE STREET SELF STORAGE U (- Eisenhower ,. N. oBria od i QA. SEVA Continued from Page 7B Atkins's lovers tend to go with an omelette or other egg dish, which can be rounded out with a side of steamed broccoli. For South Beach fans, Seva has many dishes with "good" carbs (ones that are whole and complex) and also beans. And for vegans, a letter "V" next to an item on the menu denotes the dish is made with no cheese, dairy or honey. Even people with food allergies are in luck. "We're one of the few places you can find out for sure what's in your food," Jackson said. "We have an "answer" book with all the ingredi- ents for every dish listed." Seva's most popular dish is the Enchiladas Calabaza - which has'a filling made of butternut squash, cream cheese, green onions, cumin and cinnamon, and topped with your regular Mexican sides of sour cream, salsa, cheese and homemade corn chips. "You certainly won't leave hun- gry," Jackson said. Seva will likely continue to be a favorite among students and city res- idents because it is the only vegetar- ian restaurant of its kind in the area. The Earthen Jar, which is right around the corner, only offers food by the pound and does not have sit- down dining. SEVA HOURS: MON-THU 11 A.M- 9'PM FRI AJMt-1A AM'i., SAT. 10 A.M. - 10 P.M., SUN. 10 AM. - 3 P.M. BRUNCH,3 -9 P.M. DINNER TAKE-OUT DINING AVAILABLE. PHONE NUMBER: 662.111 "A bittersweet film that tells the story of Palestinian life as eloquently as anything ever done." Jonathan Curiel, SAN FRANCISCO CHRONICLE 3033 W. Liberty Between Stadium & Wagner By Punit Mattoo Daily Arts Writer 2333 S. State Street 1 mile north of 1-94 www.selfstorage. netlnss Once upon a time, sorority girls could be identified by the presence of North Face fleeces, Frappuccinos, and cell phones firmly glued to one ear. As time passed, however, more and more women outside the Greek system embraced the same look, and the University's sorority girls became indistinguishable from the general population. Upon realizing this grave turn of events, I imagine much discussion and debate was brought about on how to make the Greeks stand out in a crowd. The Panhellenic members finally solved the problem with the introduction of the worst fashion trend on campus: sorority ass-pants. With shirts proclaiming one's Greek alliance covered up due to Ann Arbor's dependably cold weath- er, sororities turned to the next best place to draw attention: their own asses. Like a suburban gang, each sorority member uses the 'ass as a billboard' strategy to convey her allegiance. The red and blue used by COOKER HAPPY HOUR: M-F (4-7) $1 OFF DOMESTIC BEERS AND WELL DRINKS 1/2 OFF ALL APPETIZERS OPEN UNTIL 11PM EVERY DAY Plymouth Rd. across from the watertower (2000 Commonwealth Blvd.) (734) 761-5858 Thank you Michigai the Bloods and Crips are replaced with a series of letters we wouldn't know without having gone to our fair share of frat parties. The great irony of these sweat- pants lies in their purpose. In the form-fitting fashion of late, female clothing has been designed and worn for the purpose of accentuat- ing various physical assets. Sorority sweatpants, however, draw attention to an otherwise pleasant rear end and cruelly obscure what lies beneath with their general shape- lessness as well as those godforsak- en letters. This trend directly affects the male population as well. Now any- time a guy, bored in class, is trying to get a view of that hot girl who sits a row in front of him, he encounters a Greek spelling lesson. This leads to awkward staredowns with a girl's ass while he tries to decipher the message. A harmless little peek is turned into a full-on gaze, and, after a little while, peo- ple start to notice. An even worse trend than the sorority letters is the spread of Juicy Couture pants. Often a fashion disas- ter perpetrated by sorority ass-pant wearers, Juicy fans stick out on cam- pus as those spoiled enough to spend an exorbitant amount of money for what is essentially a tracksuit. Never mind the fact that these girls are walking around cam- pus looking like they're coming straight from a gym - the most egregious aspect of the popular velour pants is that they cost so much money. The idea that one would pay more than $80 to look like a scrub doesn't seem to make sense. In addition, the implied sexual con- notation of "Juicy" on these J-Lo wannabes leave those stuck walking behind to wonder what would pos- sess someone to declare their ass such a valuable commodity. So ladies out there, as we head into summer and eventually a new LARGEST SELECTION OF F) Than you Michigan Daily Leaders 0 for voing us ke BSTAgain! ~CRURC& Dining & Delivery everyday from 1O:30-4am www. pizzakouse.com 734 995 5095 1 go "A small gem." V.A. Musetto, NEW YORK POST Traditional pizza Cicagco Deep Disk Cicago Stuffed Pizza Calzones Voting Us the B Mast pasta, Suks, Ckipalis, Salad, Liks, Nackos and our famous Skakes and Malts! I MADSTONE 1:00, 3:00, ~~ I \(~ THEATRSioo I I BRIARWOOD MAIL, :00 . ANN ARBOR (734) 994 1000 7:00,90 www.maidstonetheaters.com/premierpic I a .