4 - The Michigan Daily - Wednesday, February 4, 2003 OP/ED le ArI~tdmx 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 letters@michigandaily.com opinion. michigandaily. com EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 JORDAN SCHRADER Editor in Chief JASON Z. PESICK Editorial Page Editor Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. NOTABLE QUOTABLE Its going to take one tough hombre, and I'm one tough hombre." - Democratic presidential candidate Wesley Clark, while courting Hispanic voters in New Mexico, as reported Monday by WXIA-Atlanta. SAM BUTLER TiHE SOAPBOX borse. m 1 O~ 17 p'l.o -o ewak \ - r___ esk_ a t v ' w a ys}y " l c yk 4 Five simple steps for increasing your GPA D.C. LEE 2L COOL J There are numer- ous books you can read to bet- ter your performance on law school exams, but search the shelves of the local Borders and you'll find almost no helpful material on how to better your undergraduate grades. Until now. In the paragraphs that follow, I lay out a simple, five-step process for increasing your grade point average. If you're look- ing for better grades, this is the system for you. If you're already happy with your 4.0, my process will show you how to maintain that level of excellence while not putting in as much effort. And if you think a degree is about "reclassifying the tradi- tional notions of race, class and gender in "economics," "experiences" or "diversity" and that I shouldn't be promoting a system that undermines the integrity of a liberal arts education, you're probably in the Res- idential College and beyond help anyway. The premise of my system is based on the simple, irrefutable fact that the majori- ty of college professors are liberal. More- over, contrary to popular belief, these professors are not as open-minded as they would have us believe. From the follow- ing, it can reasonably be suggested that in order to do well, one must write and express ideas as the professor would. This means writing and expressing liberal ideas. If you're a conservative, this means selling out. So, if you're not afraid, keep reading. It's the ultimate form of capitalism: selling out in the short run to increase your over- all net benefit (measured in dollars, of course) in the long run. Now, without further ado, here is my process for increasing your grade point average. First, before you register for classes, search the courseguide for classes whose descriptions use one, or all, of the three liberal buzzwords: "race," "class" or "gen- der." There should be hundreds of these classes, so don't worry about not finding enough. Second, when you register for a class, make sure it is a 300-level class that has essay/paper requirements only. English 313 - Ancient Greece and Modern Gay Identity - is a perfect example. Take a 300-level class because the subjects are generally more nuanced than 100- and 200- level classes (which require a great deal of memorization and work). Also, you can write an A-quality essay without any substantive knowledge of the'reading, as I illustrate in Step 5. Third, do not read any of the assigned material. Fourth, participate in class. Yeah, I know what you're thinking: How can I participate if I haven't done the reading? The answer is easy. Wait until someone raises his hand and makes a comment about the reading. Then wait until someone else makes a contrary point. Immediately raise your hand and sug- gest that the actual interpretation is some combination of the two, and add a general- ized theme which brings the comments together. Because the assigned reading undoubtedly deals with some form of oppres- sion, your generalized statement should say something to the effect of "and when consid- ered in light of the fact that women at that time couldn't vote, is it really surprising that (character Y) is searching for a way to vindi- cate her civil rights?" Fifth, when it comes time to write a paper, skim the reading material for a few quotes that could reasonably be suggestive of some underlying liberal theme - for example, that "The Red Badge of Courage" is actually about lesbianism- and use these quotes as evidence of the underlying theme. Make sure you empha- size in your paper that "although this topic is not explicitly addressed in the text" your excerpted quotes can reasonably be sug- gestive of whatever generalized theme you chose. Any substantive knowledge is not required because - surprise-surprise - most 300-level liberal arts classes have no substantive basis. They're merely a front for teaching the politics of race, class and gender. Finally, sit back and watch the A's pour in. You'll rile like the privileged class and separate yourself from the rest of the pack like the blacks, whites, Asians, Indians and Hispanics in the Mary Markley cafeteria. For additional information or a more personalized system, feel free to contact me. I teach a weekly seminar for the rea- sonable price of $100 an hour. RC students need not apply. Lee can be reached at leedc@umich.edu. Losing my (voting) virginity SRAVYA CHIRUMAMILLA WAVLNG IHE HANI)BASKET or a couple of months now, I have been looking forward to this Saturday. Feb. 7 will be my first time and I have been waiting with bated breath for the day to come. I have toyed with local elections before, but this is it: Finally I can vote in a nation- al election. I have been thinking about this moment for quite some time now, becoming some- what obsessed with the candidates: I read about Clark's argyle sweater, saw Edwards on "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" and heard the remixes of Dean's now infa- mous yelp. But mostly, I have been dis- cussing my vote for the past few months. Unfortunately, after hours of discussion, I am no closer to choosing for whom I will vote on Saturday. And for someone who has scheduled her entire month around this date, this indecision creates a great deal of turmoil. Presently, it isn't a matter of who I think is the best candidate for the job. Instead, I am at the point of choosing someone I don't completely dislike. Star- tled that the caucus crept up without me choosing a candidate, I made a sad attempt at writing down my many random thoughts in some cohesive way. Much like high school, Howard Dean was the hot new kid that everyone just fell in love with. And then they realized he wasn't saying anything substantial and that he wasn't pleasant even to be around, much less run the country. While initially people claimed Dean motivated them, the speed with which supporters abandoned his camp indicates that he did not offer any distinct options to begin with. Even his charming good looks could not save John Edwards from stumbling into questions about the Patriot Act. Though he searched, he found no way to justify allow- ing such an extreme and corrosive piece of legislation to pass through his committee. Though Wesley Clark also used his charm to capture his audience in one-on- one interviews and campaign videos men- tioning OutKast, he failed miserably when debating about his domestic policy, or lack thereof. Clark was so badly beaten at the debate in Detroit that he was too embar- rassed to meet with reporters after the clobbering. While Kerry scored major points in Iowa and New Hampshire by playing the electability game (and for those of us glued to C-SPAN, some hockey too), he offers few concrete proposals. However, he remains the strongest candidate simply because people are impressed with both his Vietnam War experience and his opposi- tion to the war in Iraq. These four have at least separated themselves from the three candidates that offer entertainment value but little to the actual ticket. Lieberman's policies seem more in line with the Republican Party's than with the Democratic Party's. Also, that Gore supports Dean is a huge indica- tor of Lieberman's incapabilities. Sharpton entertained the audience by maintaining his delusion that he would win. Unlike other candidates, Kucinich actually pro- posed ideas to improve higher education; however, the biggest concern - that of electability - bars him from getting even my idealistic support. All this deliberation leaves me in the same situation I was in few hours before - without a single candidate for whom I would waste getting up on a.cold, Febru- ary, Saturday afternoon to vote. The polls from the mini-Super Tuesday are even more discouraging: A, few remote states have determined the electability of a hand- ful of sorry candidates that later states like Michigan now face. While I may pretend to be frustrated enough not to vote, my determination to not become yet another disheartened youth will get me out of bed and up to the Michi- gan Union. When I get to the caucus though, the awkward process of wading through the many volunteers fighting to have bigger signs and more memorable slogans will only make me more tentative. I hope that at least the process itself will be exciting - I have, after all, been saving myself for something memorable. I am saddened, though, by how my first voting experience in a national race will turn out: I will end up choosing someone who doesn't inspire me but instead man- ages to just not irritate me. The person who least represents my interests but who has waded off bad publicity will win, not because of innovative policy proposals, but simply by default. Chirumamilla can be reached at schiruma@umich.edu. LETTERS TO THE EDITOR Consumerism now a worldwide phenonemon, not just an American vice TO THE DAILY: Jess Piskor's column (America is about to learn the lesson of the elm tree, 2/03/04) portrays the American people and Ameri- can business in a negative manner. Piskor approaches a universal norm. If, as Piskor puts it, America really does fall off the cliff, then we will pick ourselves right back up again. JARED BOMBERG LSA Senior Spoof article ignorant of past incidences of anti- Semitic violence explained to those of us on the outside of undergraduate culture. I also assume that the editors were unaware of the history of anti- Semitic rhetoric, which is chillingly echoed in their play on Jewish names. Perhaps they were also unaware that the memory of the Holocaust is still too raw in the minds of many readers to allow them to see the humor in jokes about the murder of Jews. I want to make clear that I am not denounc- ing the editors or asking for an apology. As member of the LSA faculty, I am hoping to ini- I irinvt'u r.A nhtti1e* Iv and ©itebn