ARTISTIC LICENSE: WHAT WE TOOK WITH THIS PAGE-

30 Enero - Nueva.

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BAD

MUSIC YOU PEOPLE BUY

o.A.R changes name, still sucks
OF A REVOLUTION CHANGES NAME AND OUTLOOK, BUT STILL CAN'T GET OVER GOING TO OSU

By Snotty McSnotterson
Daily Music Man
Popular sissy band, Of a Revolution, which hails from
Columbus, has decided to change its name after a shift in
environmental perspective and irritation derived from igno-
rant fans.
While the five-some chose the name Of a Revolution
when starting out their "rock" endeavor, and put the letters
O.A.R. on some of their CDs, the group has been angered of
late when fans foolishly refer to the band as "oar" instead of
"O-A-R." After years of frustration and fighting with good
for nothing fans who refuse to call the band O-A-R, the

group has decided to change its name. Since learning about
the devastation in uninhabitable areas of the world, the
group has chosen to dedicate themselves to protecting these
lands.
"It's just awful what goes on in these places," said a
source close to the band formerly known as O.A.R. "Places
like Siberia and the Sahara are so bad now that no human
could live there. This must stop."
The band has cast of the name O.A.R once and for all.
The five have adopted one more suited to the cause of pro-
tecting these lands. The group will now be known as Pre-
serving and/or Defending Deserted Land Environs, or
P.A.D.D.L.E.

oc-In' Out of Control1

Donkey Punch finally heard
from with explicit sex tape
By Someone with No Musical Talent
Daly pot-shoter MOIORS S Il A LI{

After years of playing obnoxious,
horny music in dark, sweaty, crowd-
ed venues such as the Blind Pig, the
almost famous, Ann Arbor Ska rock-
ers, Donkey Punch disappeared from
the college music scene. The half-
dozen wannabe-nerd-chic musicians
dropped from the their radar after an
underwhelming finale.
However, fans of the brass bas-
tards were greeted to a treat last
night. The first news heard from the
group emerged, as the aptly named
"Donkey Punch Sex Tape: Vol. 1"
flooded user emails entitled "mailor-
demon: return to sender delivery
unavailable." The attached file
includes a high-quality video of
Donkey Punch partaking in graphic
sexual acts that would make Ms.
Hilton blush. While scholars have
debated whether the name is
eponymitive or descriptive, the fact
remains that louie has a small penis
that the video has received a warm
reception from some circles at the
University.

More useful information.
"Popeye's chicken is fucking awe-
some, and so is the Donkey Punch
tape," said one pimple-faced engi-
neering student who lives alone. The
same engineering student frequently
critiques Rebecca Ramsey's sex col-
umn, A Compromising Position that

appears every other Thursday in the
Weekend Magazine.
After seeing Donkey Punch, doing
the Donkey Punch, many students
have asked the question, what is there
left to live for? The answer, "Donkey
Punch Sex Tape Vol:2 Punch Harder."

JsBEANIE SIEGEL/Roca Fella Records
Jay-2 fan looses control of "ROC," fails in snow ... unphased, collects himself and asks, "Who you know like Hov?"


?uestion of the Week:

Q: What would the
world be like if you
were a South Park
character?

A: Basically the
same, but with
more streaking by
random dudes so
I could make fun
of them.
- Todd Weiser

HOT OR NOT?
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Daily penis is tasty.
Yours, however, isn't



UM School of Music
Univ. Dance Co. & Various Musical Artists

By Not-soiny Tim
Daily Girth Measurer
It's true. We can all thank penis envy
for the excess of reality television that
has hit the airwaves recently. According
to a recent study conducted by Nielsen
Media Research, women jealous of men
who have penises and men jealous of
other men who have bigger penises are
500 percent more likely to watch reality
shows than men like me who are satis-
fied with both length and girth.
"Just look at the kinds of shows out
there right now," said LSA communica-
tions sophomore Jarvis Trent Jarvis. "I
mean, when you've got eight inches
ft stacked von aren't Gonna watch a show

sample taken from a group of five
transsexual fat-chicks in the lower-east
side of Manhattan. "They were hard to
lift, but we got them here," said a
Nielsen representative. "This study will
revolutionize media research. It's like
the health study that told us french fries,
cigarettes and water may cause cancer,
or the one that said the same stuff that
causes global warming also has links to
climate cooling. Really amazing shit!"
When asked what they thought of this
study, nearly all of the fraternity mem-
bers on campus responded with the
comment, "Isn't it obvious." Donald
Trump has obvious penis envy. Why
else would he fire Sam? Don't even get
me started on "Joe Millionaire." Even

044

THE JOHN MARSHALL
LAW SCHOOL

Op e'n House
T he John Marshall Law School invites you to attend an open house to
learn how flexible schedules, groundbreaking specialties and 21st
century curricula can help you in your career.
Saturday, Feb. 7; 10 a.m. to noon
Thursday, Feb. 12; 6 - 8 p.m.
Students and faculty will share their insights into John Marshall's

Yom. w