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January 30, 2004 - Image 8

Resource type:
Text
Publication:
The Michigan Daily, 2004-01-30

Disclaimer: Computer generated plain text may have errors. Read more about this.

I

Fridizzle
Ain the year 2000'
Party at 1345 Geddes tonight!
Be there! Seriously! Todd lives there!

R T SS s sss.M W Bo

OCho e

TH

1E COLDEST DICKS AND PICKS FROM
DAILY ARTS SENIORS
Mel Gibson - The one-time star of "Braveheart" now desires
to spread his anti-semitic beliefs all over the world. Even the
Pope thinks he's gone too far. We hope you die, Mr. Gibson!
And take that Christ guy with you. (Do a shot of Jager)

Courtesy of some police
precinct where James
Brown got his ass locked
the fuck up
In all
seriousness,
James Brown's
last single was
called "School Is
In/Killing Is
Out." What was
this guy
thinking? You'd
think he was a
wacko or
something. Walt
a second ...

Michael Jackson, R. Kelly, Kobe Bryant, Roman Polanski
- They're all guilty. Stop giving them awards, buying their
albums and fighting for their rights to be free. Unless, of
course, you want them to rape your children. (Drink a beer)
VHJ's "The Fabulous Life of ... " - MTV and VHl keep
the masses down with their fantastical life stories. We will
never have a golden toilet or diamond nail polish. America is
dumbed-down every second this shit airs. (Smoke a joint)
Stealth Bombers at the Rose Bowl - "Wow, that was so, so
cool!" Yes, how cool it is to cheer on killing machines at a time
when we wage power-hungry, capitalistic war. At least you
knew they were coming. (Do a line)

SEX MACHINE FEELS GOOD, LOOKS BETTER

By Elwood Cunter
Daily Arts PR Whore

The world can breathe a sigh of relief today as "The Godfather of
Soul," Mr. James Brown, was miraculously rescued from a desert island
in the South Pacific Tuesday evening. The 70-year-old Brown appeared
before a swarm of press photographers in only a bath robe and a hair-do
that could only be called "similar to an unnamed member of 'The Little
Rascals,' but certainly not in any sort or racist way." What? We didn't
say it!
"I feel good, aawooooowwww!" proclaimed Brown as he exited from
the Coast Guard helicopter which brought him back to civilization and
his adoring fan. The fan, a Mr. Lewis Smith of Franklin, N.D., said he
was quite happy to see his hero back and "hoped he would stay out of
prison long enough to tour and beat his wife."
"You all been so good, better than I been to myself," announced Brown
to the crowd, as he arrived at California's LAX airport. He then pre-

formed the splits and screamed for several minutes before being lead
away from the microphone with a velvet cape on his shoulders by his
handlers.
Mr. Dynomite himself was lost at sea three months earlier while per-
forming on the Celebrity Cruise sponsored "Heavy-hitters of R&B" trip
to Guam. Brown reported fell over-board while "star-gazing," although
the ship's detective has not ruled out the possibility PCP or even "Hot
Pants" in the case.
Soul Brother #1 reportedly survived on the island of Cumonyawan-
nalayme for several weeks, surviving on coconuts and "sweet, sweet
monkey loving." Brown announced that he will be directly entering the
recording studio to record his new album "I screwed an Chimp and it was
quite satisfying."
We would have made a joke about "James Brown Celebrity Hot-tub"
but the Eddie Murphy years of "Saturday Night Live" at all. We would
never say that an anybody was guilty of anything at all, unless it was
Jack-o, who obviously felt up little kids. What it can't all be fun?

W, VK

Hangovers - Man, are we gonna feelin' this shit tomorrow
morning? Please, don't boycott our new editors or anything,
they're good, Christian people. The era of Daily racism is over
... except for white people. You suck crackers! (Shoot up)

You! - Fuck you frat
boys, sorority sisters, foot-
ball players, drama majors,
band members, college
Dems and republicans,
BAMN, David Boyle, RC
hippies, religion, homeless
people, G.W. lovers, John
Kerry lovers, editorial free-
dom wanters, Drew Henson,
Falun Dafa guy, diag preach-
ers, Daily readers, you

40

My man JC busts heads, breaks hearts

By Adrian M. Younkers
Daily Arts Bastard

"Freeze Dirtbags, you're saved!"
So goes TV's newest catch-phrase
from the latest
police procedural
drama starring Jesus Christ,
everybody's P"1"
favorite messiah Wednesdays at
and savior, Jesus 9:30 p.m.
H. Christ. As a pri-
vate investigator CBS
hunting crime on
the cold, gritty streets of Buffalo, N.Y.,
the Son of God busts dope dealers and
potential sinners in this exciting new
network series. .
After returning from Heaven to
reestablish his kingdom on Earth, Jesus
decides his best plan of action is to bust
the common criminals wreaking havoc
on the poor people of Buffalo, HARD-
CORE STYLE! Driving around in his
custom red GTO, the Son of Man pres-
ents an imposing and unhinged force of
righteousness.

"Go ahead, make my 'St. Crispin of
Babylon' day," says the Christ child and
you believe he might really blow away
the Scientologist pusher who has been
working the local school yard, and actu-
ally pull the trigger on the sacrilegious
douche. It is an exciting and frankly
stunning moment for Western religion
and Evangelistic bastards alike.
Ladies and gentlemen, I have been
reviewing TV shows for quite some
time, but holy crap, literally, this is the
greatest television show ever seen by
mortal eyes. Nobody this side of the
Promised Land knows what kinda crazy
retribution that Emmanuel reborn is
capable of in these wacky times.
With the steamy new love interest of
Mary Magdalene, the assistant to tough
but confused Mayor Hornblower, who
keeps riding Jesus for his unconvention-
al tactics of justice, this show has sex
appeal craved into the sanctified stone
tablets of history.
Is it better than "CSI: Miami?" Of
course. Is it more enlightening than the
collected writings of St. Augustine?
Without a doubt. Is it better than "The
Father Coughlin Mysteries"? That

9
}a
Courtesy of Bush Brainwashing Bureau
r Lord Jesus for
'Gigli' delivers .

Courtesy of Heaven on Earth
Star of a new TV show and then a Mel
Gibson movie ... Jesus is doing OK!
remains to be seen.
Meet prime-time TV's newest super-
star - a carpenter from Nazareth.

'Daily r ,5 Guid z
G1 bribg
}'. 4
1. Be born rich
2. Be born hot
3. Have no talent

Ben (yes, that's really Ben) minus J-Lo equals happy G dubbs!
Bush prays to ou
peace on earth,
By The Italian Muffin Stuffer
Daily Cream Filling;
The Ben Affleck/J-Lo engagement has been called {
off, and the split has saved us, everyone. Around the
world people have begun a day of rest unheard of since
the one after the sixth. It is the very day that marks a
turning point for the entire planet, one that will be
remembered in the history books far beyond our exis-
tence and even after we all die. Yes, it is that important.
Without the rocky relationship to cover, the media
have turned to real news, instantly solving the weapons
of mass destruction issue in Iraq because there were
none and it doesn't matter. All seven Democratic presi-
dential candidates agreed to stop their debates and run
as a single entity in the 2004 election with a platform
pledging to canonize Ben and Jen as world saints.

Palestinians and Israelis rejoiced together in the West
Bank and Gaza Strip when they discovered how petty
their fighting was in the face of such a momentous
occasion. North Korea stopped watching Bennifer on
the news in favor of "Superman IV: The Quest for
Peace" and promptly launched all their nuclear missiles
to the surface of the sun.
President Bush made a statement in the wake of, as
he eloquently referred to, "The single greatest event in
the history of this great nation, nay, our entire human
humanity ... especially Texas."
The president even went so far as to declare Jan. 23,
2004, the date Lopez's publicist announced the split, as
a national holiday, forever henceforth to be known sim-
ply as "The Day."
There was no comment from either Ben or Jen.
Nobody cared.

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