LOCAL/STATE

The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 30, 2004 - 3

CnNhK/
GREG
Rogue ice chunk,
stupid comment
interrupts boring
evening at StudPub
Lameduck Daily Editor In Chief
Louie Meizlish almost peed in his pants
recently after inciting a group of drunks
late one night by yelling out the window,
"You guys are stupid." The enraged stu-
dents heaved a rock that shattered a win-
dow above Meizlish's desk on the
second floor of the Student Publications
Building, striking his lip. Glass shattered
all over his ugly-ass gray sweater.
"I ALMOST DIED," defunct Man-
aging News Editor Shabina Khatri
said. Khatri was sitting about 20 feet
away from the window at the time of
the incident. "I want chocolate."
Meizlish could only describe the
perpetrators as white.
After insulting Louie for his dumb-
ass comments, incoming Editor In
Chief Jordan "Slow as Evolution"
Schrader called the Department of
Public Safety to report the incident.
Schrader, Meizlish and Khatri plan to
take karate lessons next week without-
going News Editor Kylene Kiang. Kiang
said she was reluctant to teach the trio.
"Shabina is alright, but Louie is
such a wimp," Kiang said. "And, he
thinks he's lactose intolerant."
Police showed up and Meizlish
reminded them that the newsroom is in
room 210 of the Daily (who knew?).
DPS has no suspects.
Student vows to
resort to terrorism
after president's
terrible speech
A student who said he didn't like
President Bush's State of the Union
address was arrested Wednesday night
after he called 911 and said he was a
terrorist and was going to "kill the
president," DPS reports state.
Medical School student Howie
Dean, 46, last seen in Burlington, Vt.,
made a second call moments later and
said he was going to "kill the son of a
bitch;' according to a criminal compli-
ant filed by DPS Officer Al Sharpton.
According to the complaint, the 911
center dispatcher traced the call to a
phone booth near Bivouack on State
Street. DPS immediately responded
and located Dean at the scene. He was
reported to have yelled "YAH!!!" and
"Si se puede!" as he was hauled away.
Angry chica really
lets raunchy
columnist have it
James Weber, the most popular colum-
nist at The Michigan Daily, was assaulted
last night by a so-called feminist angry at
some of his more recent writings.
Weber, an LSA senior majoring in
women's studies, recently wrote a viewpoint
titled "Can't live with them, because they
won't live with me," in which he described
his frustrations with the female gender.
"My research indicates women are the
source of 95 percent of blue-balls cases,"
Weber wrote in the viewpoint.
Weber was struck on the head with a
blunt metal object. He told DPS officers a
female student approached him on State

Street, uttering, "Your blue balls are your
own damn fault," and then proceeded to
bash him repeatedly over the head.
J. Brady McCollough, Weber's close
confidant (hehe, know what I mean), said
he visited Weber at University Hospital
and reported that Weber is in critical con-
dition and feeling "uh, blue."
Daily couch thief
stuffed for life
Friday morning at 2 a.m., a suspicious
woman was seen lurking around the Stu-
dent Publications Building. The woman,
identified by witnesses as a former Univer-
sity student, was dragging a worn-out, once
vanilla colored couch down Maynard
Street, headed in the direction of NYPD
Pizza Depot.
Sgt. Pepper said he recognized the sus-
pect as a fomer Daily staffer who covered
the crime beat. He said while no further
information is available at this time, the
suspect will most likely face severe con-
seequences. Despite the suspect's efforts
to cushion her crime with the excuse that
she just wanted to take a quick nap, Pep-
per said the suspect is a repeat offender.
"She won't be able to spring it on us this
time," he said, adding that she may face a
life sentence in jail.
The suspect, whom witnesses
described as a 5', blond white woman,
was not armed, except for with a
reporter's notepad and pencil, which she
is accused of waving at oncoming police.

Keeping carnivorism alive: 'U'

embraces meat

By Jimmy, Johnt
Hungry Daily Reporters
Recently formed student group What Would Rap-
tors Eat, a group that tries to convert vegetarians, is
asking students to take a stand against green stuff.
A freshman passerby said he was glad students
were coming together to represent such an impor-
tant cause - though he admitted that for the life of
him he had no idea why anyone would protest
against a food group.
"I, uh, like protests but, um, don't know why
anyone would waste their time protesting vegeta-
bles," he said, adding that his allegiance was with
the counter-protesters, Anti-Veggie Action!!!
Led by Little Timmy, the character who draws

you into heart-wrenching stories with some cutesy
quote and an endearing tale of success against all
odds, the group also demanded to be heard.
Little Timmy said he was inspired to join AVA!!!
when he attended one of their events. "I went to the
event to protest it, but was then inspired by their
message of nutritional diversity. Plus I was just
tired of eating tofu all the time," he said.
The LSA junior dispatched diligent sophomores
to find out where the seniors who had promised to
help serve hot chocolate had gone. He said the
other side had their case for justice all wrong - his
side was chanting the same thing but they really
meant it.
"We use the same chant but we mean something
different," he said, as members of his group made

mean faces at the other side and echoed their cries
for justice with the chant, "Justice tastes like chick-
en."
"They don't know what they're talking about.
They think they're calling for justice but it's really
anti-justicial and we're right," he added.
Although anti-justicial is not a word, he said it
multiple times as he emphasized the need for more
chanting. Engineering sophomore Joey Green said
he wasn't really sure which side he wanted to be on
because he was 30 minutes late to class but still
wanted to make sure to make a difference.
The LSA junior said as long as he was going to
be in the Daily he wanted everyone to know that the
rumor about him and that girl at the frat party was
mostly not true. He launched into his views on the

Diag preacher, those little quarter-sheet things peo-
ple try to hand you while you try not to make eye
contact with them and the fact that the video arcade
in the Union closed. He added that the cafeterias
should have more cheese on their macaroni and then
skidded away to class in the Frieze Building.
"That's a cause I should take up sometime," he
said as he looked nervously at the rallying crowds.
"That building sucks. Knocking it down, now that'd
be justice. Has anyone told these people that?"
"There are just so many possibilities at a univer-
sity like ours that values the right to speak out on
any cause," said university spokeswoman Julie
Peterson. "It's hard to keep track of, but it hasn't
really seemed to be a problem. Most of our students
are so desensitized they just keep on walking."

Alas, cross country
runner can't have
track record, eat it too


By Cookie Cake
Daily Craaaazy Muffin Reporter
Citing a rejuvenated interest in
life and a desire to stop running like
a "weenie," LSA junior Andrew
McCormack has not smoked a can-
cer stick since winter break.
The southern gentleman has
always loved to run, and attracted
the attention of Michigan cross-
country recruiters in high school
after zooming through a 3.3-mile
run in the ridiculously short span of
six minutes.
"Hot damn, that boy is fast!" said
men's cross country coach Ron
Warhurst. "As soon as I heard about
him I wanted him to come and run
for our fine institution. But dangit,
those cigarettes really screwed him
up."
"It was such a hard decision,"
said McCormack, grimacing as he
chewed on a cinnamon stick.
"On the one hand, I really loved
those cigs. But whenever I'd smoke
them at practice, everyone would
look at me like I had just hailed the
Confederate flag! Not to mention
all the stuff I would cough up as
soon as I started running."
"For the record, the South shall
rise again," he added.
McCormack picked up his smok-
ing habit traveling en route to the
University, when a pretty girl
offered him a cigarette on the train.

"Looking back, I think that purty
lady was the devil in disguise, set
on cheating me out of a mighty fine
running career. What a ho-bag,"
McCormack said as puddles of cin-
namon-flavored drool dripped out
of his mouth.
Though he hasn't smoked since
December, McCormack admits that
a lot of damage has already been
done.
"Man, no matter how many times
I wash my clothes and my hair, I
still reek! I'm at my wit's end here,"
he said.
When asked if it was possible
that he just naturally smelled bad,
the runner growled and threatened
to throw a chair at me.
All tobacco companies were
unavailable to comment on the cor-
relation between smoking and lung
damage because they're too busy
trying to encourage people in third-
world countries to light up.
But McCormack said he doesn't
blame Philip Morris for his running
woes.
"The way I see it, it's like invest-
ment banking," McCormack said.
"He's just doing his job, and who
cares if he's selling his soul? He's
bringing home the paper! Dolla
dolla bills, y'all."
Word to your mom, rock on,
McCormack. We're proud of you
(even though the South shall never
rise again!)

\Which Phctographer has th
Vc'tc at '76-daiSyE*'

DUE TO SIZE CONSTRAINTS BRET T MOUNTAIN COULD NOT PARTICIPATE/Daily;

.


Blond, blue eyes, 21? Can I have your ID?

By Abe From.n
Sausage King of Chicago
With the commanding e-mail subject
line "quick money," Art and Design
sophomore Joanne G. Kantor turned
2004 Ann Arbor into her own version of
the Wild, Wild West, taking the law into
her own hands.
Apparently having lost her driver's
license, the Miami Beach-raised, Dodge
City-reborn Kantor sent an electrifying
e-mail across campus Monday evening

to such wasteland warriors as
aeophi0l@umich.edu, sdt@umich.edu
and jelloshots@umich.edu. Kantor's
stern words echoed those of Wyatt Earp
the day he killed Billy the Kid and Butch
Cassidy with a single silver bullet.
In the e-mail, Kantor wrote, "Are you
blond? Do you have blue eyes? Are you
at least 21? Sell me your ID. Name your
price." The words of a desperate woman
... desperately seeking desperate admis-
sion into Rick's or perhaps even the vile
Studio 4.

Upon calling DPS, The Daily
received the following response, "This i$
Sgt. Peterson, Chicago Police."
After further prodding and revealing
of the e-mail, Sgt. Peterson finally
uttered a different line of dialogue,
announcing that he knew nothing of Ms.'
Kantor's stolen ID.
"Stolen ID? I don't know about g
stolen ID, but we'd definitely like to
speak to Ms. Kantor about this issue.
She sounds guilty of something,
See BLONDE, Page 7


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