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14B -The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, January 29, 2004

ME


WEEKEND ENTERTAINMENT
SCOTT SERILLA - WHATEVER IT IS,I 'M AGAINST IT
STAPHYLOCOCCUS AUREUS: TWO CALLS TO A
HOUSEMATE IN THE HOSPITAL

ME

The Michigan Daily - Weekeid Ma ia
Brady gets by with a little help


I'm at a loss for words.

TP 10
1. Speakerboxxxlm1e Love
Below, OutKast - Back on top
baby. But seriously Andre, you
should meet my daddy.
2. The Very Best of Sheryl
Crow, Sheryl Crow - Nothing
like a 30 second album to rock a I
the way up the charts.
.3. Fallen, Evanescence -
Seriously, hasn't the "fat guys in
Korn T-shirts" market run dry yet?
4. 2004 GQwm~Mamiees,
Various Artists --There's a seri-
ous problem with American music
when two compilations top the
charts.
S. Soulful, Ruben Studdard
- I think that crazy Asian guy
who sang "She Bangs" on
'American Idol" this week needs a
record deal.
6. Shock'N Yrail, Toby
Keith - I'm not sure what s
more annoying: the Dixie Chicks,
or this jackass making a career
out of yelling at them.
7. NONW That's What I Call
Music 14, Various Artists -
Nothing like a bunch of really
mediocre singles from three
months ago.
8. Closer, Josh Groban -
Soccer moms unite and buy
more of this guys music.
9. The Diary of Alicia Keys,
Alicia Keys - Dear Diary: I
hope no one notices I'm more or
less talentless.
10. In the Zone, Britney
Spears - OK, now you're just
screwing with me. I should get
married in Vegas and maybe
someone'll buy my album.

Staph (stf) n. Informal. A spherical gram-positive bacteri-
um of the genus staphylococcus, commonly occurring in clus-
ters and causing boils, septicemia and other infections. -
"The American Heritage Dictionary, Third Edition"
One --Sunday 9:35 PM
Him-Mmmyello?
Me - Drew, what the hell is this bullshit? You're in there
for three days beforeI'm even informed? One of my best
friends goes into the hospital and nobody mentions it till 10
minutes ago,
Him - Well I've been a bit busy, what with the festering,
silver dollar-sized open sore on my knee.
Me - Hell my parents knew before I did. My dad called me'
five minutes ago. Even they found out in this elaborate sec-
ondhand chainof..
Him - I talked to Randy last night. He said he'd tell peo-
ple.
Me - Didn't see him this morning, I've been at the news-
paper all day. Still either one of you could
Him -Aren't you done with the paper yet?
Me - New editors take over at the end of the week, so I'm
still sort of on-duty. And change the subject when I'm done
chewing you out.
Him-Not exactly much you could have
Me - I'd like to hear about it when you're transported via
an ambulance at 3:00 a.m. back to home. Let alone being,
taken to the hospital my dad has worked at for how many
years? I mean, holy crap, whenever sirens and TVs are brought
into the picture, I'd like a heads up.
Him -You didn't notice I wasn't around at all? I'm deeply,
deeply hurt Scott.
Me -Yeah it doesn't speak very well for the current state
of our relationship that you can disappear for three days at
time, and I think nothing of it I blame your girfriend.
Him -What about your girlfriend? Anyways I'm tied up
with Glee Club and the B-School and you're always at the
Daily and are you still taking classes?
Me - Shut up. How you holding up, by the way?
Him - Did you not hear me say, "festering, silver dollar-
sized open sore?"
Me Is Eisenhower on the silver dollar?
Him - Kennedy.
Me - Kennedy's on the half dollar.
Him-- Does it really matter?
Me -I assume the full dollar is bigger. Unless they messed
up, a la the nickel/dime ratio.
Him -Look, my doctor said silver dollar, the man's a med-
ical professional.
Me - Wait, what's a Susan B. Anthony then?

Him - I'm going to sleep, man.
Me - OK, what's your room number in case I want to call
back to save you from boredom?
Him 342 Peds.
Me --Peds as in pediatic ?As in little kids? You were 21
last time I checked.
Him -Our family doctor is a pediatrician so he's put me
here. I have my own single room so I'm not-
Me - You're lucky you only look 15. The nurses didn't
even notice I'll bet.
Him - They did look at me funny when I was doing my
marketing reading.
Me - Reading? This is a vacation, pal. You're supposed to]
live it up, you're supposed to:...
Him - I'm taking my codeine and 'm going to sleep.
Goodnight
Me - 'Night, I'll call back in the morning.
Two - Monday $:52 PM
Him -Yeah?
Me - How'd it go?
Him - It was decided I had to learn to change the dressing
myself because I'T be stuck doing it in the coming weeks. So
the nurse and I in the bathroom,...
Me - I like where this is going+...
Him - Ignoring that. Anyways, I'm unwrapping my leg in
the shower and suddenly I see it for the first time.
Me -Bad?
Hn - I threwup.
Me -No ... really
Him - I looked at it and it was like the space shuttle count-
down. 3, 2, 1 ...
Me - Blastoff It was really that painful?
Him - No, not at all. The first time it was excruciating
'cause the painkillers were wearing off, like a 10 out of 10, the
worst thing I had ever felt. The gauze was packed in there real-
ly tight. But this time I timed it better and there was less rip-
ping of inflamed flesh-.
Me -But you still puked at the sight of your own leg?
There's a metaphor in there somewhere.
Him - Hey! Under no circumstances are you allowed to
write about this in your column, OK? Promise me you won't
try to turn my personal suffering into some sort of meditation
on morality, ahight?
Me - Don't worry about it, Scout's honor ... so how big
was it?
Him - If you're taking notes, I'll kill you, so help me.
Synpcathy cards for Drew can be sent care ofScott at
sserilla Jumich.edu. WASH YOUR HANDS!

Courtesy of New Line
If only I knew how to read, or write.
WEEKEND
BOX OFFICE
Gross in millions of dollars
1. The Butterfly Effect
(17.0) - Well, at least we put
that "Does God exist?" ques-
tion to bed.
2. Along Came Polly
(16.3) - Stiller shoulda retired
after his finest work,
"Zoolander."
3. Win a Date with Tad
Hamilton! (7.3) - Next week,
Fez stars in "This is a Terrible
Movie."
4. Big Fish (7.1) - Did any-
one else see that leaked "Star
Wars" footage? Man, it's gonna
be sweet.
5. Lord of the Rings: The
Return of the King (6.7)-
The Shire could really use the
help of those zany "Queer
Eye" guys.
6. Cheaper by the Dozen
(6.3) - Poor, poor Steve
Martin. I still remember King
Tut.
7. Cold Mountain (5.0) -
Jack White took time out of his
busy schedule of bashing faces
in to cameo in this one.
8. Torque (4.4) - Anyone
else remember when Cube
used to rap?
9. Something's Gotta Give
(4.0) - Oscar who what now?
10. Mystic River (4.3) -
Eastwood recently beat out
John Kerry for the Closest
Resemblance to Skelletor from
He-Man Award.

By James V. Dowd
Daily Arts Writer
As the 1999 college football sea-
son drew near, perhaps the most
debated question in the country was
who would start at quarterback for
the No. 8 Michigan Wolverines. Fifth
year senior Tom Brady had experi-
ence under his belt, including games
at Ohio State and Notre Dame.
Sophomore Drew Henson was
arguably the best athlete that
Michigan had ever recruited.
"What time is the game? 3:30? You
will find out then," Michigan head
coach Lloyd Carr said at an Aug. 30,
1999 media luncheon. "I know one
thing, and that is, the one place you
won't have a question mark is quar-
terback. We will have a good quarter-
back this year."
On Sept. 4, when the Wolverines
came out to face the Fighting Irish of
Notre Dame, it was Tom Brady who
was under center, and he led the
Wolverines to a 10-2 season, includ-
ing a win over Ohio State, and an
overtime win over Alabama in the
Orange Bowl.
This Sunday, Brady will lead his
New England Patriots into Super
Bowl XXXVIII at Houston's Reliant
Stadium, after leading them to a
Super Bowl victory in New Orleans
two seasons ago.
Undoubtedly, much credit for
Brady's development as a player
should be given to Carr, and even
Henson, who pushed him day after
day up to and through the 1999 sea-
son.
Henson shared time with Brady for
most of that fateful season, but was
forced to wait a year before taking
the reins for himself.
Henson then led the Wolverines to
a 9-3 season and a Capital One
Florida Citrus Bowl victory over
Auburn. It looked as though all
would be well, Henson promised he
would be back to lead Michigan for
his senior season, and there were
high hopes for the Wolverines.
But on Mar. 24, 2001, coach Carr
shocked the college football commu-
nity with a mere two sentences.
"Drew Henson informed me today
that he will leave the University of
Michigan to pursue his baseball
career," Carr said. "We wish him
well."
Henson's departure made way for
John Navarre to take over at quarter-
back, the beginning of an illustrious
career.
Now four seasons after the great
quarterback debate, it is doubtful
anyone will argue that Carr made the
right decision in naming Brady as his
quarterback for the Notre Dame
game, as Henson's career has not
panned out as planned.
Since trading his Maize and Blue
for New York Yankee pinstripes,
Henson has hit a mere .111 in a
measly 9 major league at-bats.
Though American League
Championship Series hero Aaron
Boone is likely out for the season
after injuring himself while playing
basketball it is unlikely Henson will
get the call to fill in as a regular third


from his fri1ends


... ......... ; - "'', .... ... .............................. . ..........
............... ..........

NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENTI

HOT OR NOT?

FILE PHOTO

Hey Brady, you
got a license to
carry those
guns?

KEEP YOUR HANDS WHERE OUR
EYES CAN SEE - NO, SERIOUSLY
E! Online reports that a Chicago
judge has given R&B singer R. Kelly
permission to participate in the 46th
Annual Grammy Awards' festivities
- but only under the decree that he
does not go near Michael Jackson.
Kelly, nominated for two Grammy
awards, is under indictment in
Illinois for a sex tape involving him-
self and a 14-year-old girl and is
accused of possessing a catalog of
kiddie-porn. Coincidentally, Jackson
is facing child-molestation charges.
Both Kelly's defense and prosecu-
-tion teams were bewildered by the
judge's order. Perhaps it was due to
the immense failure of Kelly and
Jackson's collaboration on the single,
"One More Chance."


DOES J. LO WANT HER "BAD
BOY" FOR LIFE?
Stealing Britney's annulment thun-
der this week is the breakup of
everyone's most hated couple, Ben
Affleck and Jennifer Lopez. While it
is widely known that the infamous
couple has split, rumors abound per-
taining to the reasons why.
Those media sleuths at E! Online
report that Jennifer Lopez had called
off the Bennifer engagement.
Apparently, the couple has called it
quits right around the same time that
numerous publications have printed
speculations that Lopez has reunited
with former lover, P. Diddy.
The newly bachelorized Affleck
can now seek solace by turning back
to the bottle, appearing on Celebrity
Poker stints and hating on Coldplay.

11


I

J

baseman.
As Henson struggles to make it in
the Bronx and spends free time deny-
ing that he will join the NFL's
Houston Texans, who own his rights
after drafting him last year, Brady
has become one of the NFL's elite
quarterbacks.
As for his development as a leader,
perhaps the quarterback controversy
was, although at first undoubtedly
hurtful, in the long run helpful. As a
senior and a captain, Brady was
poised and confident; he took the
debate in stride, painting a picture of
grace and leadership for his team-
mates and college football in gener-
al. Never once did the world hear
Brady complain about sharing time
with Henson, he simply took the

field and led his team like any good
quarterback and captain would do.
Now four seasons later, Brady
takes this same attitude to the New
England Patriots.
It takes years of hard work to make
it to the NFL and unrivaled dedica-
tion to take your team to the Super
Bowl. To win a Super Bowl a team
needs a leader, someone who had
more than just exceptional football
abilities.
Fans in the Boston area have long
been known to hate anything related
to the New York Yankees, but perhaps
when they tune into this year's Super
Bowl, they can thank a certain minor
league third baseman for helping
make their quarterback into that
quintessential leader.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Who was the
Better Fighter?
The flak (anti-aircraft fire) put
up over the skies of Germany
in World War II is legendary.
However, pilots that flew in both
WWII and Vietnam said the anti-
aircraft fire over Vietnam was
much worse. In addition, our pilots
had to contend with surface-to-
air missiles (SAMs).
Gary Ullie & Assoc., Realtors
-www gaywlIie.corm