.OB - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, November 13, 2003 0 .. . As- The Michigan Daily - Weekend MagZaie- Follow the blind man: Dr. Phil's weight-loss plan Ey Scott Serilla )aily Arts Editor Here's what I'm trying to figure out: s Dr. Phil a huge jerk or genuinely evil? When I agreed to read Dr. Phillip C. 4cGraw's newest bestseller self-help irade, "The Ultimate Weight Solution: [he 7 Keys to Weight Loss Freedom," I was under the delusion the guy was just annoying. I remember occasionally see- ng the good doctor make spendaholics ind control freaks cry on "Oprah" dur- ng high school. I assumed he was just mother harmless pawn in Queen )prah's vast, squishy new age empire. But it seems Dr. Phil has carved out a lice little fiefdom of his own in the Eealm of Self-actualization. Although * surely still pays tribute to his fairy godmother, Dr. Phil has built his own lucrative, eponymous brand: a syndicat- ed afternoon talk show, personal appear- ances, Dr. Phil apparel and self-help books with companion workbooks and audio recordings like they're Spanish textbooks. Dr. Phil operates on the theory that everyone needs their own personal tough-love Pee wee football coach with popping forehead veins to criticize their slip-ups in a low Texas growl. "Hey, hey you're not listening!" he screams every afternoon at millions of devotees, who ironically hang on his every word. Actually, Dr. Phil reminds me a lot of my dad. Except, my dad doesn't shout at middle-aged housewives for a living. Anyway, Dr. Phil has a moustache, my dad has a moustache. Dr. P's bald, my dad's bald. Both look eerily like Rob Reiner, and both seem to enjoy berating me for not having formulated a concrete life plan and not taking responsibility for my actions. Unfortunately, neither my dad, Dr. Phil or even Meathead himself can be around to yell at me all the time. Luckily there's this book, which is really just yelling in print form! I've seen Letterman play ridiculous sound bites of Phil's senseless psychoba- bble. It was funny, but it seemed mildly unfair to de-contextualize little snippets like that. Then I read "The Ultimate Weight Solution" and realized this guy talks like that ALL THE TIME. Ladies and Gentlemen, only in Amer- ica could a blubbery walrus of a man be a best selling author of a weight loss guide. This guy's body isn't exactly a wonderland; his gigantic melon of a head must weigh 30 pounds alone. "Ultimate Weight Solution" is her- alded as the anti-fad diet, a way to get people off. off the roller coaster weight-loss I'd find this shaky brand of tough schemes and start facing "personal talk and realism easier to shallow if Dr. truth," i.e. shedding pounds isn't Phil wasn't profiting from easy, in fact it's hard work. If you manipulating the same insecure need a book to tell you something body images that he claims to this oblivious, then Dr. Phil be rallying against. What kinda deserves your money. psycho enjoys yelling at Most of the famed "7 people for not having any Keys" are likewise self-esteem? Stop scream- painfully self-evident ing at us and maybe we'll and appear lifted from feel better about ourselves back issues of Mrs. Phillip! Want people to Phil's old Redbooks. live responsibly and to "#1-Right Thinking," show some determination? "#2-Healing Feel- Stop talking to us like we're ings," "#4-Mastery children. over Food and Impulse There is no worse con than Eating." Are these sci- pretending to be safeguarding entific super-secrets the weak against other con worth $26? artists. I fully agree with Dr. P Our gruff doc also that we're a nation eating itself to points out up front that his death. But if you have a weight readers need to scale back problem, I don't think this book their weight-loss expecta- will genuinely or automatically tions, taking small, steady help you anymore than the Atkins results over dramatic drop- or the South Beach diets will. ping of pounds. To some, it The underlying message here is might sound like Dr. P's just that you shouldn't believe for a keepin' it real, but for me, his ' second that Dr. Phil's weight loss "Get-Real" target weights and system is inherently better than "Get-With-It" goal setting going on the All-Popcorn diet or sounds like a cop out, a drinking Slimfasts twice a day, cheap way for Phil to Dr. Phil just because it's dressed up in absolve himself if your lard says, "Scottie-do." classier packaging. The same is still firmly in place after goes for the doc himself, who undergoing his "Solution." isn't any more informative or helpful Oh, the book didn't help you lose than Jerry Springer just because of his weight as promised? You should lower degree. your expectations. "Accept your God- Now if you'll excuse me I have to go given uniqueness," the book tells us. eat at Subway with the only honest man Not before you accept you're ripping left on earth, my friend Jared. I THE JOHN MARSHALL LAW SCHOOL Open House Fall 003 T he John Marshall Law School invites you to attend an open house to learn how flexible schedules, groundbreaking specialties and 21st century curricula can help you in your career. Saturday, November 22; 10 a.m. to noon Students and faculty will share their insights into John Marshall's day and evening programs, give tours of the facilities, and answer your questions about the law school. the new B R I A R W O O D the evolution of shopping I . -- r- 1, f. 1 a - f- Z- 14 1 &A AIt r aV a %*kitI I vT4w*.*W _ 114 !".4 x _ x ? 6 k 6 : q. 4 . + _ 5 x x z x a x .. .