Immmmmod Alk IdIkk p 9 4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, September 18, 2003 NIAMH SLEVIN - CAUGHT AVAsTGARDE -0 The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magaz An inquiry to the immortality of the Sou -I TO THE GOOD PEOPLE AT NBC By Charles Paradis Daily Weekend Editor Why do you hate us so? Oh sure, it's not like you've done any physical harm to us or made slanderous remarks about our mothers. No, you prove your vengeance as you continue to hit us where it really hurts. With this new tirade of mindless, dreary programming, you seem to try to dumb us down more and more every season. Now, I've gotten used to this kind of treat- ment from the other networks. I mean, FOX was never really known for its quality broad- casts with series like the infamous "When Animals Attack" and "Cops." Sure, "Ally McBeal" seemed original for its time, mixing legal melodrama, a scarily thin blonde and dig- itally enhanced dancing babies. It's not hard to see why that one didn't last. "The Simpsons" was perhaps FOX's only legitimate claim to fame, and even that has arguably gone down- hill in recent years. ABC appeared wholesome for a while; who wouldn't love the Wonderful World of Disney, right? Yet, even this Sunday-night schedule could not preserve its goody two-shoes image forever. Despite success with shows like "The Practice" and "NYPD Blue," it eventually stooped to the level of its fellow networks and cultivated its sick fascination with reality everything: "The Bachelor," "Celebrity Mole" and "The Bachelorette." (Just between friends, "According to Jim" isn't about to pull the sta- tion out of the dregs of programming either.) I stood by you, NBC, when you decided to drag the dreaded "Good Morning, Miami" on for yet another endless season of limp laughs. And I defended you when you first joined the bandwagon of reality TV. Everyone else was doing it; why shouldn't you get in on the action, right? But, of course, that was merely the begin- ning of your downward spiral to the kingdom of crapulence. "Fear Factor" wasn't quite des- picable enough apparently so you had to cre- ate a few more shoddy "reality-based" pro- grams in order to corner the market. However, this time you couldn't just rely on cheap "Survivor"-esque thrills to win the viewers' hearts. People wading in vats full of rodents or eating various bug particle cocktails was just not entertaining enough for modern view- ers; although, the audience won't exactly reject these delights when nothing better strikes their fancy. Thus, "Meet My Folks" came into being. While the competition's dating shows focused on one single twenty-something looking for his/her match made in heaven, NBC preferred to leave that all-important decision to irra- tional family members. As much as we all enjoy watching maddeningly shrill girls whimper during absurd lie detector tests, this had to be one of your most pathetic attempts to boost ratings. But wait! You then followed up with the con- verse situation in "Who Wants to Marry My Dad?" Over the summer, you wanted to break the monotony of "Must See TV" repeats, so you introduced the second installment of "For Love or Money." That's right. You made not one, but two attempts to make this concept interesting. Through a series of games and quasi-dates, a woman falls in love with her hunk and then waits for him to decide if love, the kind you find during a couple of weeks on a dating show, is worth more than one million dollars. Tensions rise in those last 10 minutes, as the audience lingers in front of their televisions to hear Mr. Right's long-awaited answer. He says two words, then cut to commercial break. He adds two more words, then cut to commercial break. Finally, he admits he chooses love," thank goodness, because what kind of man would he be if he actually picked the money? Crisis averted. Although this goldmine came to its unfortu- nate end, NBC bounced right back with its end-of-the-season piece de resistance, "Race to the Altar." Kids, what were you thinking? Did this gen- uinely seem like quality programming to you, or have you ceased to care? After all, if America's watching, does it really matter what you're feeding it? Sadly, the summer is over, and you're in a bind. The substandard shows from the previ- ous season had to be cancelled, and now you have to fill the void with their replacements. But you're not worried. You've got some big stars on your side: Whoopi, Alicia Silverstone, that woman from the GLADD bag commer- cials. You are certainly golden now. After all, you're not working with the same ideas as last year. You're covering all new turf in exploiting the American fear of other cul- tures and the obsession with getting a little something-something at the end of the day. With "Whoopi," you have an Iranian hotel handyman (of course, he has to be a former militia man with experience in making bombs), who thinks his Chinese guests are going to give him SARS. In your vast line-up of dating sitcoms, you prove that everybody wants a little sex in their lives. This pitch is sure to prove your contin- ued originality and sophistication. You're not willing to compromise that in order to produce a fleeting HBO rip-off, right? "Coupling" and "Miss Match" are bound to be this season's hits, don't you think? I just don't understand. The Peacock used to bring us shows about absolutely nothing, and we loved them. "Seinfeld," "Friends," "Mad About You" - the list goes on. They were funny, they were simple and they had little to do with the state of the world around us. We watched strangers wander aimlessly through their adult lives and laughed because they weren't us. These people were kooky in all the ways we wished we could be. Too bad they're just a tad out of date for you. You're moving on to bigger and better things. We've entered the era where people willing to eat horse rectums on camera reign supreme and watching someone else date seems more appealing than going out to do it ourselves. We're moving on. Reality shows require more air-time and marketing creativity than silly lit- tle sitcoms. Of course, we understand that you are only following the network trend, and no one can blame you for that. - Niamh Slevin really does like TV she just has good taste. If you agree with her or want to contest her views, e-mail her at nikaslev@umich.edu. After a brief summer hiatus away from Ann Arbor - and, more importantly, away from local restau- rants - I was eager to return to my old haunts and taste some of my favorite dishes once I stepped back on campus. On Monday, I walked into Ashley's for lunch, expecting the quality that had made it - up to this point - my favorite local bar. Nevermind the variety of beers on tap, the centerpiece of my Ashley's diet begins and ends with the deli- cious Soul Sandwich. Growing up in the south, the com- bination of pulled pork barbecue and coleslaw is a taste that reminds me of home. For me, this is no novelty meal, but rather a staple of cookouts and family dinners. I enjoy it not because it is exotic, but because it is basic comfort food. The name, Soul Sandwich, implies the hearty goodness of the creation. Saying it soothes the psyche. Imagine my dismay when after I ordered the sandwich my waitress turned to me with a I'm-now-going- to-crush-your-dreams smile and said that they no longer served the Soul Sandwich. I was flustered. Quickly, I scrambled to find a replacement. But it just wasn't the same. You cannot replace a meal that you have anticipated for months, with a simple bit of Caribbean Jerk Chicken, no matter how good it is. You just can't do it. It is like replacing the victor's feast with cookies and graham crackers, no offense to the graham crackers, but it just cannot be done. Equipped with the new knowl- edge that there would be no more Soul Sandwich, I left Ashley's a lit- tle wiser, and a little sadder. My sense of disillusionment was mag- nified by the finality of the event. At least when I found out there was no Santa Claus my parents contin- ued to give me presents. This disas- ter, on the other hand, offered no easy solution to preserve my happi- ness, while still being fully enlight- ened as to the truth of the situation. Since that fateful day I have won- dered if Ashley's thinks it is too good for the Soul Sandwich. Has the once humble pub risen so high that it can now scoff at we mere bargoers in search of a small bit of sustenance? I've tried to figure out what could have possessed them to cast off the Soul Sandwich, but in all honesty, I cannot think of a single good reason to remove it from the bill of fare. What would inspire someon take to destroy the happiness o many fans of the sandwich? Are t sadists at work on South State Sti Or is it simply a matter of laziness If you go to Red Hot Lovers can get them to put some cole s on a barbecue sandwich. I've d it and it is very good, but it isn't same. Nothing can replace experience of those hardw tables, a pint of cold beer an steamy sandwich that could ma U University Musical Society Half-Price Student Ticket Sale Sat, Sept 20 9 am - 12 noon Power Center call 734-764-2538 for more details or stop by the Michigan League Ticket Office check out our season online at www.ums.org For one day only at the beginning of each semester, UMS offers HALF-PRICE TICKETS to students. This extremely popular event draws hundreds of students every year - last year, students saved over $104,000 by purchasing tickets at the Half-Price Student Ticket Sales. Some perfomances have a limited number of tickets available, so get there early! It's easy! Just make your way to the Power Center that Saturday morning and wait in line to receive a sequentially numbered order form. Fill it out by 12 noon with the number of tickets you and your friends would like to purchase for each event. Turn it in and be on your way. Pay when you pick up your tickets, October 1 - October 31 at the Michigan League. It's as simple as that! Get cheap tickets to see the world's best music, dance and theater!