8 - The Michigan Daily - Tuesday, September 9, 2003 ARTS RUN FROM YOUR TUBE ... THE FALL 2003 GUIDE TO WHAT'S NEW ON TV By Doug Wernert and Adam Rottenberg Whoopi - NBC, Tuesdays 8 p.m. Premieres Sept. 9 CL4 H W~E Premise: Whoopi Goldberg plays a former one-hit wonder diva in a sitcom set in a hotel bar/lounge. Chances for success: Goldberg's star power is on the decline and the humor looks juvenile at best. NBC's Tuesday-night ratings have been waning and this does not appear to be the solu- tion. Prediction: Whoopi will return to doing what she does best; making "uplifting" movies as a singing nun or blocking with her center square. Happy Family - NBC, Tuesdays 8:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 9 Premise: Former sitcom heavyweights John Laroquette and Christine Baranski unite in this comedy as empty-nest parents still dealing with their grown children's problems. Chances for success: With bookends of "Whoopi" and the declining "Frasier," "Happy Family" better be as funny as HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" to have any chance of sur- viving. Prediction: Even with numerous Emmy's between them, why can't Laroquette and Baranski spot a lemon? NBC sure is shaping Tuesday to be a night of Must-Flip TV, espe- cially with the addition of everyone's favorite "Good Morning Miami." It has two likable leads, but then again so did "Gigli." Jake 2.0 - UPN, Wednesdays 9 p.m. Premieres Sept. 10 Premise: A computer technician, actor Christopher Gorham, becomes a secret agent in a modern-day "Six Million Dollar Man." Chances for success: Genre TV often leads to failure, but if "Jake" gains even a small cult following, it may be able to survive on the des- perate UPN. However, David Greenwalt's other cult hit, "Angel," airs at the same time on the WB. There might not be enough room for two genre shows at the same time. Greenwalt's last effort "Miracles" was critically acclaimed, but suffered from public apathy. Prediction: Poor scheduling may cause "Jake 2.0" to log off prematurely. The Mullets - UPN, Sneak preview Thurs- days 9:30 p.m., moves to Tuesdays 9:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 11 Premise: From "The Simpsons" producer Josh Weinstein comes the story of two brothers who have the same haircut and last name. Chances for success: Centering your show on a redneck haircut does not necessarily trans- late into viewers. UPN's track record with comedies leaves something to be desired as well. Prediction: Has UPN not learned anything? Move over "Shasta McNasty," "Homeboys in Outer Space" and the "Secret Diaries of Desmond Pfiefer," UPN is still looking for a new lowest common denominator. UPN will likely take out the shears and trim this waste of time from their schedule. ourtesv of NBC Carnivale - HBO Sundays 9:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 14 Premise: Set in the Depression-era Dust Bowl, the battle of good and evil takes the forefront amidst a travelling carnival filled with freak show oddities. Chances for success: With an outlandish premise and dark undertones, it would seem destined for failure if not on everyone's favorite channel - HBO. This is the network that made a drama about morticians talking to dead people a water cooler sensation, so "Carnivale" should not be any different. Prediction: It inherits the coveted HBO Sunday slot, like it could fail. Millions of viewers are bound to make this HBO's next breakout hit. But that damn "e" on the end must stand for something ... Eve - UPN, Mondays 8:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 15 Premise: Rap star Eve plays a modern woman going through the trials of life and love. Chances for Success: Joining UPN's racially-fueled line up of comedies might enable this show to succeed. However, UPN should consider creating shows based on con- tent rather than solely the ethnicity of the actors. Prediction: Eve should stick to her day job. Without being on UPN, Eve would be in for a Ruff Ryde. This sitcom looks on par with LL Cool J's lame "In The House" attempt as opposed to Will Smith's success in the genre. All of Us - UPN, Tuesdays 8:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 16 Premise: This comedy about a family learning to coexist is based on the real life domestic situation of celebrity couple Will Smith and Jada Pinkett. Chances for Success: UPN Tuesday is sure shaping up to be the worst night of tele- vision since ... UPN Tuesday last season. Smith's previous sitcom foray was a hit, but he is nowhere to be found on this lackluster effort. Prediction: Viewers won't be 'Gettin' Jiggy Wit' this show for long because it will have a short stint on the air. What's next, a crummy show featuring Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson? Too bad MTV already took that idea. Rock Me Baby - UPN, Tuesdays 9 p.m. Premieres Sept. 16 Premise: Dan Cortez returns to situation comedy as a rock disc jockey fathering a young son with his wife. Chances for Success: Cortez was mildly amusing on MTV, but annoying on the insuf- ferable "Veronica's Closet." It looks less like "WKRP in Cincinnati" and more like "WCRAP on UPN." Prediction: This one goes out to you Dan - get a new show now because you will need a job in a couple of weeks. espionage should appeal to fans of "24" looking for an alternative to the comedies and reality programming on the other net- works. If ABC is patient and willing to wait on ratings, then they may have another "Alias" on their hands in spite of the not so "Friends"-ly competition. Prediction: It will be difficult to be a "Sur- vivor" on television's toughest night. On the bright side, the title does feature the word "Matrix," and this summer proved how little content matters when that word is involved. Luis - FOX, Fridays 8:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 19 0Z Threat Matrix -ABC, Thursdays 8 p.m. Premieres Sept. 18 Premise: An inside look at special agents in the Department of Homeland Security in their effort to keep the nation safe.- Chances for Success: The action and Premise: Character actor Luis Guzman ("Boogie Nights") comes to network televi- sion playing the owner of a donut shop. Chances for Success: The Friday schedule does not look favorable for comedies, even with the moderately amusing "Wanda at Large" as its lead in. Guzman is best known for being a humorous addition to the cast, not a leading man. Prediction: Guzman will promptly return to bit parts in bizarre movies. "Luis" looks like it belongs on UPN Tuesday rather than Fox Friday, and that's not a compliment. - - -W W-- (N H Two and a Half Men - CBS, Mondays 9:30 p.m. Premieres Sept. 22 Premise: Charlie Sheen plays a jingle writer whose brother and nephew move into his beach house. Chances for Success: Following monster hit "Everybody Loves Raymond," and featur- ing a big-time Hollywood name in Sheen, even a hackneyed premise won't deter ratings. "Becker" is proof of that fact. Prediction: You have to be really messed up to want to move in with Charlie Sheen. Sheen should really stick with the drugs and the hookers, he was better back then. Las Vegas - NBC, Mondays 9 p.m. Premieres Sept. 22 Premise: James Caan stars as the head of a successful casino set in the Sin City. Chances for Success: NBC may have a hard time drawing in young males during football season, while older audience may be glued to CBS's conservative programming. Prediction: Don't bet the farm on this one. It appears as if it might "crap out," even with Sonny Corleone, but the bright lights could provide solid entertainment. Navy N.C.I.S. - CBS, Tuesdays 8 p.m. Premise: A spin-off of CBS's "JAG," it fol- lows a team of military investigators search- ing for evidence connected with the Navy. Chances for Success: Inheriting "JAG"'s old time slot will probably make it easy for the geriatric audience to continue getting their fill of military dramas on Tuesday nights. Prediction: In addition to the show being redundant, since "JAG" is still on the air, the title itself repeats the word "Navy." CBS was successful with their last spin off and this one should have similar success. The Brotherhood of Poland, N.H. - CBS, Wednesdays 10 p.m. Premieres Sept. 24 Premise: A story about small town life for three brothers is the premise for this new drama. Chances for Success: David E. Kelley is a master of creating quirky characters and situa- tions. This appears to be a new version of the classic "Northern Exposure," but the "Law and Order" juggernaut may be too much to overcome. Prediction: Kelley's shows often start strong out of the gate, but then again, he also made "Snoops." The main concern is if the show can avoid the Kelley Curse of becoming Premieres Sept. 23 increasingly absurd. Joan of Arcadia - CBS, Fridays 8 p.m. Premieres Sept. 26 Premise: A familial drama in which the teenage daughter (Amber Tamblyn "General Hospital") speaks to God in different visages. Chances for Success: It needs some divine intervention and CBS may be providing it by pairing it with "JAG." Spiritual-themed shows have worked before for CBS, and this may continue the trend. Prediction: St. Joan must be spinning in her grave to have her name desecrated in this manner. It's a night of rest for the televisions, so CBS may have to channel God on their own to save this show. Miss Match - NBC, Fridays 8 p.m. Premieres Sept. 26 Premise: Alicia Silverstone portrays a divorce lawyer who plays matchmaker on the side. Chances for Success: Silverstone returns to the spotlight in this Darren Star ("Sex and the City") vehicle aimed at a female audience. Following the debacle of "Batman and Robin," Silverstone is still waiting for her career to fully recover. Prediction: The premise is extremely absurd and it only appeals to young females and almost none of them are home on a Fri- day night. We're still upset about "Excess Baggage" anyway. Hope & Faith - ABC, Fridays 9 p.m. Premieres Sept. 26 Premise: Kelly Ripa stars in yet another program, this time as a failed soap opera actress who moves back in with her sister. Chances for Success: Joining the new TGIF, sitcom veteran Faith Ford and talk show host Ripa add name value to a ridiculous con- cept. The block seems more family-oriented than in the past, and this show fits that idea well. Prediction: Kelly Ripa needs to return to her other three day jobs. Nice work by ABC to a confuse the audience even more by having Faith Ford play, of course, Hope. The Handler - CBS, Fridays 10 p.m. Premieres Sept. 26 Premise: Joe Pantoliano plays an FBI agent training new recruits in Los Angeles. Chances for Success: If the "JAG" crowd can stay awake past 10 p.m. on Friday nights, there might be enough of an audience to make this show work. If not, CBS will have to rely on the Pantoliano name to attract viewers. Prediction: Didn't this show come out as a movie a couple months ago under the title "The Recruit?" The Friday night slot may be giving this show the "Ralphie treatment." The University of Michigan College of Literature, Science, and the Arts presents a public lecture and reception TH BBCPR WE HATE REALITY TV, TO. CEWRITE FOR US. MAss .ME 1NNGHT -7 .M ann arbor realty AVAILABLE NOW! Ifficiencies, 1, 2, 3, 4, ancl 5 ecroom apartments and houses from $415/mo and up. 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