Monday September 8,2003 michigandaily.com artseditor@michigandaily.com ARTS 9A r LIMP CHILD STARS RIDICULED BUT NOT FUNNY By Jannie Adler For the Daily M V SEREVlEWA Dark 'Order' too tall for Ledger By Zach Mabee Daily Arts Writer M R In the opening voice-over of Brian Helgeland's "The Order," the ever- insightful Father Alex Bernier (Heath Ledger, "A Knight's Tale") likens life itself to a riddle - confusing and unpredictable in each and every turn it takes. Ironically, I left the theatre with The first hint of just how promising this movie would be was the fact that no one would see it with me - not even with an offer to pay for a friend. "Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star" directed by Sam Weisman and co- written by and starring David Spade, enters the world of Corey Feldman and Gary Coleman, among others - the life of a former child star. "Dickie Roberts" acts as a tribute to all those names we grew up with but then so quickly forgot. ____________ Presented as an "E True Hol- Dickie lywood Story," Roberts the film may just At Quality 16 and as well have Showcase been "Where Paramount Are They Now?" Spade stars as Dickie, a washed-out child star with nothing but a valet's job and the memories of his signature phrase, "This is nucking flts." Dickie, wanting so desperately to make a comeback, hears about a film project directed by Rob Reiner (which may well have a better plot than "Dickie Roberts" itself). The problem is, Rein- er won't cast Dickie because he grew up too fast. Dickie, then, has the ingenious idea to pay a family to help him relive his childhood. With the help of his agent, Sydney (Jon Lovitz), and some cash from his compelling autobiography, Dickie finds a home with the Tracy family. The plot continues on with a string of strange and random events that make the film all the more ludicrous: Dick- ie bathes a dead rabbit, Sydney donates a kidney to Reiner and Dick- ie's father may just be David Soul (better know as Starsky). a strikingly similar thought in mind about the film I'd just seen. Advertisements and the film's production notes The Order At Madstone and Quality 16 20th Century Fox ourtsyoIr Faram ount Hello, I'm Earth. Have we met? The characters seem predictable, despite their quirks. George Tracy (Craig Bierko), head of the household that takes Dickie in, is a used-car salesman with a money-grubbing phi- losophy about pots. The son and daughter (appropriately named Sally and Sam) are too hopped up on sug- ary root beer to have ever heard of Candyland, despite their familiarity with Transformers and Mouse Trap. And the mother, Grace (Mary McCor- mack), seems shockingly comfortable pushing a full grown man around town in a stroller. "Dickie Roberts" ends up being a mix of off-the-wall characters, sappy life-altering moments and David slated "The Order" to be a dark, tense tale of malevolence within a covert, rogue body of Catholic priests. Liter- ally, the film is dark: Roman and Venetian backdrops evoke images of Medieval Europe; however, in all other regards, the expectations are hardly fulfilled. "The Order" was originally the brainchild of director Helgeland ("A Knight's Tale"), who researched thor- oughly the sin-eating priests of histori- cal Europe. Supposedly, they were God by proxy, inasmuch as they could absolve a person's sins and save those otherwise damned souls. Helgeland's effort evinces his knowledge for his subject and atten- tion to detail in portraying it, but it also lacks thrill and any semblance of an interesting storyline - the cake onto which his fancy icing should have gone. Ledger's Father Bernier is one of the remaining few Carolingians - a tradi- tional priestly order called to exorcis- ing demons and evil spirits. Upon the death of their leader, Bernier and his close friend and colleague, Father Thomas Garrett (Mark Addy, "The Full Monty"), begin an entrapping investigation of sin-eating priests and their dark history. One would think that a head-first plunge into the cultish underworld of conjuring clergy would be enough to sustain an edgy thriller. "The Order," however, becomes much too sublime for its own good and loses viewers in an onslaught of incoherent tangents and needless philosophy. Take, for example, Bernier's relation- ship with the woman who once attempted to kill him, Mara Sinclair (Shannyn Sossamon, "The Rules of Attraction"). The two fall in love as Bernier involves himself more and more in his investigation and loses faith in his vocation and his life's calling. Sure, a love interest is a very logical reason for a priest to reconsider his lifestyle, but the approach is too high- falutin. Scenes are spent doting on the Courtesy O n th Century Fox You have been weighed, you have been measured and you have been found wanting. lovers' comparison of their relationship to a sunflower and on other thoughtful but irrelevant abstractions like essen- tial truth and beauty. The suspense is lackluster enough to inspire yawns and frequent glances at the watch. Couldn't people's sins be something more visually interesting than a wispy, jellyfish-like haze? Who would've thought that watching some- one devour another's transgressions could be such an uninteresting and un- terrifying experience? Spade antics. Spade's character is a trash-talking, sprinkler-impersonat- ing, immature adult, sporting a mon- key print pajama jumper. Since they're not so well represented by Spade, the former.child stars make sure they get their 15 minutes of fame with a closing song, "Child Stars on your Television." Dragging out the old cliches of Hollywood, the film is nothing short of exploding cars and alcoholic actors. Dickie is just a fictional version of David Spade; the film would have been better off with an actual former child star as the lead. This film, among other things, needs a little "Wessonality.". Natural selection. How smart is this: All the textbooks you need for up to 60% off retail prices. And all you have to do is go to half.com and type in the book titles, or ISBN numbers.Then let nature take its course. For a limited time, first-time buyers Save an additional 15 h ,..k .i.,. "CO"V M TM h. : .L -..-... .....I