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2B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, December 5, 2002
Random would like to patronize opium den

The Michigan Daily - Weekend MagaZine -

Saturday

By Neal Pais
Daily Arts Writer
The Michigan Daily: Hello, is
Hugh around?
Random: Speaking.
TMD: Hi, I'm a reporter from the
Daily; you've been selected to par-
ticipate in -this week's Random
Student Interview. Those lovable
guys over at the Michigan Review
decided to run their own version,
but apparently, did not drink their
funny juice that morning. So, we're
back with the real deal. Are you in?
R: Yeah, for sure; that sounds
great.
TMD: Let's go then. What do you
think of people who pull the fire
alarm in dorms late at night, thereby
forcing innocent, sleep-deprived
students to shuffle out into the
freezing cold?
R: That's a pretty dishonorable
thing to do. -
TMD: Damn right it is. People
like that should be cut into little
pieces with blunt knives. -

(To that person, who committed
the aforementioned atrocity last
night - I hate you with a burning
passion. Go walk in front of a bus.)
R: Wow, you're pretty pissed.
TMD: Yup. I'm a chronic insom-
niac. Sympathize.
What do you think of girls who,
while talking on their cellies and
attempting to parallel park, hit the
cars both in front and back of
theirs? You can see that I'm in rant-
ing mode.
R: What sorority were they in?
TMD: Ooh, that's a burn! But
sorta unfair, eh? I have very close
friends in sororities. Anyhoo, speak-
ing of burns, have you experienced
the burn that keeps on burning?
R: What burn would that be?
TMD: The burn ... you know?
No, I guess you don't; nevermind.
Are you proud of your happy
trail?
R: Not really. It ends before it
goes up my belly button.

TMD: Ah. Are you a whore or a
slut?
R: More a slut.
TMD: How often do you pick
your nose?
R: Nightly, when I'm in private.
TMD: Do you think there are
limits in the province of the mind?
R: That's a deep one. No, I sup-
pose not.
TMD: What do you feel is the
least legitimate concentration at this
university?
R: Economics.
TMD: Interesting ... why do you
say that?
R: Because people who major in
it can pick that stuff up on their
own. Plus, they're just learning
about greed.
TMD: Fair enough.
Describe the implications of
cheating on an ethics exam.
R: Aside firm being funnier, I
don't see it as different from cheat-
ing on any other exam.
TMD: Did you observe Buy
Nothing Day after Thanksgiving this
year?
R: Was that last Friday? I guess
not; I bought CDs.
TMD: Why do you think Michigan
is regarded as being populated by glut-
tonous people?
R: Hmm. Maybe it's because they

have nothing to do in the winter but
eat.
TMD: Have you ever presented
your patronage at an opium den?
R: Do they still exist? Where are
they at?
TMD: You sound excited about
that prospect.
Do you wish you were a Merry
Prankster?
R: I already am one.
TMD: Have you ever thrown
spaghetti against a wall?
R: Nope.
TMD: Have you ever whipped
anyone with a wet noodle?
R: I wish. It sounds like fun.
TMD: Indeed. How would you
react if your best friend told you
your mom was a "milf?"
R: I'd be like "whatever."
TMD: I love haikus. Compose
one on the spot. Go.
R: How are they formed again?
TMD: Three lines. Five syllables,
seven, five.
R: OK ...
(Hum-dee-dum-dum. 12.48 min-
utes elapse.)
R: Here goes:
Someone made stinky
I think it's you; get away
You must buy Huggies.

TMD: Somewhat bizarre, but
oddly beautiful. Nice job.
Well, that's all I have for ya.
Thanks a lot, man.
R: Yeah, no problem. That was
pretty cool. So, my words are actu-
ally going to be in the Daily this
week?
TMD: Yes, very much so. Ciao.

INtd a Bookstore


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Spin the Wheel for Extra Cash!

We invite you to join us in
celebrating our 21
anniversary of fine
Chinese cuisine!

Szechuan, Hunan &
Mandarin Specialties
Dine-in or Carry-out
Expires 1 2/15/02.
Not valid with any
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Fri&Sat 11:30-11,
Sun 12-11
Last Half-Hour
Pk Carry-Out Only

BOOKS
Friends Holiday Bookshop Hundreds
of books for sale that look brand
new and that would make excellent
gifts, including a separate room of
children's books in mint condition.
10 a.m. - 4 p.m. Ann Arbor District
Library, 343 S. Fifth Ave.
CAMPUS CINEMA
Bowling for Columbine See
Thursday. State Theater 4:30, 7,
9:30 & 11:45 p.m.
Far From Heaven See Thursday.
State Theater 1:45, 4:15, 6:45 &
9:15 p.m.
Fight Club Ed Norton and Brad Pitt
are the same person. No, I don't
meantTyler Durden;tseriously, in real
life, they inhibit the same body.
Wow, dating Jennifer Aniston and
Salma Hayek at the same time must
be fun, and dangerous. State
Theater, Midnight.
The 'ast Kiss See Friday. Michigan
Theater 5 p.m.
Naqoyqatsi See Friday. Michigan
Theater 7:30 & 9:45 p.m.
Scrooged Bill Murray's Christmas
classic. "Okay, all the real men."
State Theater 2 p.m.
MUSIC
Saturday Looks Good to Me I bet
these guys have trouble gigging on
a Tuesday. Blind Pig, 208 S. First
St., 10 p.m. $4 ($6 under 21). 996-
8588.
Full This jam band is playing a bene-
fit for the Lecturer's Employee
Organization. If they are 'employed'
why do they need a benfit? Leopold
Bros., 523 S. Main St., 10 p.m. $5.
747-9806.
Josh White, Jr. Josh Baskin is Tom
Hanks's character in "BIG." Jimmy
jimmy cocco pop, jimmy jimmy ro-
ck. I met a girl ... and so forth. The
Ark, 36 S. Main St., 8 p.m. $11.
761 1451.
Handel's Messiah See Friday.
THEA TER
Man of La Mancha See Thursday, 8
p.m., $27.50.
Hamlet See Thursday.
Sunday
CAMPUS CINEMA
Bowling for Columbine See
Thursday. State Theater 2, 4:30, 7
& 9:30 p.m.
Far From Heaven See Thursday.
State Theater 1:45, 4:15, 6:45 &
9:15 p.n
Naqoyqatsi See Friday. Michigan
Theater 3 & 7:30 p.m.
Satin Rouge It's not Moulin, but it
will do. Michigan Theater 5 p.m.
MUSIC
Bird Jazz Jam Poultry favored pre-
serve for everybody. Bird of
Paradise 312 S. Main St., 5:30
p.m. and 9 p.m. $10-15. 662-8310.

U-M Symphony Band Spend an
afternoon with the classics ... by
smuggling in your headphones and
your old tape with Zepplin 2 on one
side and Rush's Hocus Pocus on
the other. RAWK! Michigan
Theater. Free.
The Boston Pops Esplanade
Orchestra UMS beings this special
concert to Crisler Arena for a per-
fect holiday celebration for the
entire family, and recreates the
convivial atmosphere at Symphony
Hall in Boston. 6 p.m., Crisler
Arena, $25-SO; 764-2538.
THEA TER
Man of La Mancha See Thursday. 2
p.m. and 7 p.m., $22.50
Hamlet See Thursday, 2 p.m.
*. Monday
CAMPUS CINEMA
Bowling for Columbine See Thursday.
State Theater 7 & 9:30 p.m.
Far From Heaven See Thursday. State
Theater 6:45 & 9:15 p.m.
The Last Kiss See Friday. Michigan
Theater 9 p.m.
Naqoyqatsi See Friday. Michigan
Theater 7 p.m.
MUSIC
Greg Trooper I never did see "Super
Troopers". 'Cause it looked like it
would be either really funny or really
bad. The Ark, 36 S. Main St. 8 p.m.
$12.50. 761-1451
Mark Kieswetter & Ron Brooks I have
no beef with you Kieswetter. Stand
aside and let RB take what's coming
to him. Bird of Paradise 312 S. Main
St., 8 p.m. $3. 662-8310.
U-M University Philharmonia Orchestra
Isn't it Philharmonic? Is that a typo?
What do we do? Stop the presses!
Michigan Theater. Free.
Tuesday
BOOKS
Booked for Lunch Art historian Megan
Holmes discusses her book "Fra Filippo
Lippi: The Carmelite Painter."
Complimentary tea and coffee served.
12:10 p.m. Ann Arbor District Library,
343 S. Fifth Ave. free. 327-4200.
CAMPUS CINEMA
Bowling for Columbine See Thursday.
State Theater 7 & 9:30 p.m.
Far From Heaven See Thursday. State
Theater 6:45 & 9:15 p.m.
The Last Kiss See Friday. Michigan
Theater 6:45 p.m.

996-8588.
The Ron Brooks Trio I wonder what RB
is doing with his holidays? Perhaps...
trying to take over the world! And prob-
ably playing the bass at the Bird. He
does that a lot. Bird of Paradise 312 S.
Main St., 8 p.m. $5. 662-8310.
Wednesday

Naqoyqatsi uses digital techniques to manipulate scenes from everyday life. Cosn

2 Itdcl

14
~Boo

BOOKS

Nicholas Cotsonika Reads
Cotsonika reads and signs copies of
his new book, "Hockey Gods," the

inside story of a championship sea-
son for the Detroit Red Wings. 7
p.m. Borders Books & Music, 612 E
Liberty St. Free. 668-7652.
CAMPUS CINEMA
Bowling for Columbine See
Thursday. State Theater 7 & 9:30
p.m.
Far From Heaven See Thursday.
State Theater 6:45 & 9:15 p.m.
The Last Kiss See Friday. Michigan
Theater 6:45 p.m.
Naqoyqatsi See Friday. Michigan

N


Full of
Great

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Holiday Gifts!!

or visit us online at www.ulrichs.com

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Tickets are 825, In
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or visit us online at ww1
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See it at Ulrich's on Dee

Naqoyqatsi See
Theater 9 p.m.

Friday. Michigan

Satin Rouge See Sunday. Michigan
Theater 9:15 p.m.
Sissi Part of the German Film series, so
achtung. Michigan Theater 7 p.m.
MUSIC
Blind Pig Showcase All props to The
Pig, but if you have to advance book
your act, does that really count as an
open mic night?. Blind Pig, 208 S.
First St., 10 p.m. free ($2 under 21).

Bring this coupon in and
20% OFF
any regular priced gift or ap
Expires December 23, 2002
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