4 - The Michigan Daily - Tuesday, November 26, 2002 OP/ED U~Jbe Aicbigatn ilg 420 MAYNARD STREET ANN ARBOR, MI 48109 letters@michigandaily.com EDITED AND MANAGED BY STUDENTS AT THE UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN SINCE 1890 JON SCHWARTZ Editor in Chief JOHANNA HANINK Editorial Page Editor Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the Daily's editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily. NOTABLE QUOTABLE We've had a lot of promises of cooperation." - International Atomic Energy Agency spokeswoman Melissa Fleming. on the response of Iraq to the presence of weapons inspectors in the nation, as reported in yesterday's Washington Post. BONNIE KELLMAN MIXED NUTS %eA. , 1X': rf;::Q '(Q ) . ;_u~} .' ' t" /ae'y I X:. ZM jo.,k2!(- ,ov c , tau There's an 83 percent chance you will read this JON SCHWARTZ 1W0 SIDES TO EVERY SCHWA wR-T7 It's finally happening. After seven semesters x.x'at this great university, I've finally found myself, finally realized what I can offer this world. I'm going to be a statistician. I know all the ques- tions you want to ask me: Jon, hasn't it been your stated goal over the past three years to get through college without taking a single math class? Didn't you lend away your trusty TI-83 calculator freshman year, telling your friend that you would never need it back? Do you even know what a statistician does? Didn't you want to become a sportswriter? Yes, yes, not really and yes. But here I stand, announcing to the world that those feel- ings are all in the past now that I've registered for Statistics 350. At first I was bitter. Registering this past Thursday night, I found myself marveling at all the classes I wanted to take in the second semester of my senior year. But while they all seemed interesting (and let's face it, easy), the course descriptions were missing two pesky capital letters that would have made them per- fect: QR. Friends in the area heard me cursing the University's Quantitative Reasoning require- ment. For those outside the Ann Arbor com- munity, "Quantitative" and "Reasoning" are two big, important-sounding words to replace a smaller, uglier "math." "Why must I take a math class?" I asked, the driving question in a monologue peppered with expletives._ As I saw it, the life I had chosen was one for which I would never need any formal training in math. Furthermore, if not for a mistake by my adviser freshman year, I would have been done with the math requirement. Even she couldn't figure out the system, convincing me to register for a class that she said would fulfill the require- ment, but which obviously didn't. So there I was, hitting the "register" button and preparing myself for a life as a statistician. The irony here is that because I had to take Statistics 350, I couldn't register for a class on sportswriting that I had been planning on taking since my sopho- more year. But why waste time with something that I'll never need or want, right? I soon came to realize, though, that being a statistician might not be so awful, at least not in my mind. I have a feeling that statisticians probably make a ton of money, at least more than a sportswriter does. Plus, as a statistician, I'll be able to pull a John Nash and go into a bar and calculate the exact odds of getting together with any of the women inside, thereby saving me the embarrassment of getting reject- ed. Not so bad when you think about it, eh? Sure, there will be things about sportswrit- ing that I'll miss, but apparently I'm not mature enough make choices for myself. The thought that as a 21-year-old senior in college, I was more than capable of choosing classes that I wanted to take is obviously folly. I should consider myself fortunate that the Uni- versity has "encouraged" me to expand my horizons. After all, it's possible that had I paid more attention in Cultural Anthropology 101 (thank you, Race and Ethnicity requirement), this might have all been mootthree years ago, when I decided to become a cultural anthropol- ogist. It hurts to even think about all the things I've missed! I've decided to make the most out of my life as a statistician. Wanting to capitalize on the opportunity before me, I spent a good part of the last few days on the Internet, finding out all there is to know about statis- tics. Here goes: There is, according to my estimations, a 17 percent chance that I don't hate this class. I see just a 32 percent chance that the University ever considers improving the foolishness of its distribution requirements. I've estimated a 86 percent chance that when choosing between going to my statistics class and anything else in the world (believe me, anything), I will pre- fer anything else. There's a 94 percent chance that I'll be upset for the rest of my life because Ohio State beat Michigan my senior year, the same probability that I get nothing out of this class, thereby proving to me that the Universi- ty is content to waste my money by making me take a statistics class instead of one I might find interesting. But there's a 100 percent chance that I'm going to owe the University a debt of gratitude for redirecting my career ambitions to the field of statistics. I just can't wait until January when I can finally find out what that means. Jon Schwartz is now in need of a calculator and has no recollection of who borrowed his. If you have it, or just want to vent about your own problems registering, there is a 100 percent chance that he. can be reached atjlsz@umich.edu, 0 Stocking suckers JOSEPH LITMAN THE LOW END THEORY nless I'm mis- taken, Christmas is Dec. 25, right? Please pardon me if my memory is slightly askew. It's just that this summer, I saw some porcelain Santa Claus figurines displayed in a store next to a sign which urgently reminded everyone that, "Christmas will be here in four months!" Thank god that someone remembered. Last week, about six of them before Christmas' alleged date, State Street was adorned with its traditional "Season's Greet- ings" banner. From which season were greet- ings being extended? Mid-fall, the "I-can't-believe-I-have-this-much-Entree- Plus-left" season? Pre-winter, the "realiza- tion-that-our-football-team-will-be-playing-in -a-bowl-of-zero-significance" season? To my chagrin, I think that those who hung the mes- sage were imparting some cheer from the Christmas - or euphemistic "holiday" - season. And assuming that this conclusion is correct, all I have to say in return is, "No thank you." I don't hate Christmas and I don't hate Santa. I don't even hate those annoying kids who, beginning two weeks before the big day, stop everyone that they see to say "Merry Christmas" meanwhile ignorant of the fact that most of the people to whom they speak want nothing to do with them. (Seri- ously, who are these people? Have they noth- ing better to do than recite the same two-word mantra? Go play happy time in the corner.) However, I would like a reprieve from the constant elongation of the Christmas season. No one, not even a newly turned 21-year-old, gets so much mileage from simply remember- ing his emergence from the womb. To my religious readers (not to be confused with those who read this column religiously): I ask that you do not take offense at my disdain for the Christmas-in-August (CIA) syndrome. I am not indicting Christianity or Jesus him- self. (If anything, I need to give you all a shout out because not only do my people not cele- brate Moses' birthday, but we don't even know when it is.) I am merely tired of having to contend with Christmas all the time. As a religious festival, Christmas is inac- cessible to Jews. Fundamentally, we cannot participate in the holiday. Certainly, Jesus was an exceptional man who performed deeds of great virtue and died because of his beliefs. That we acknowledge, and rightful- ly so. But the concept of his divinity does not exist in our culture, and because of this absence, I can only celebrate the return of the NBA to national network television that day. However, I don't want to seem like some jealous, jaded Jew who wants to spoil the gentile world's fun. If Christians want to participate in the holiday, that is their right and I support it. I don't even mind being wished a "Happy Holidays" on Dec. 23. But to live in a country whose culture is neces- sarily exclusionary for two months? That shall not pass. Really, this bastardization of Christmas is the impetus for my complaints. Bucking the common birthday trend which sees pre- sents given to those born on that particular day, Americans have decided that it be bet- ter to give each other gifts. Given that Jesus has passed and not yet returned, I can under- stand that it's hard to get him something; a posthumously received sweater surely does not fit well. Instead, though, Jesus' birthday has become an excuse for rampant shopping that, while ostensibly altruistic (buying gifts for others), has encouraged advertisers to make the day less about compassion and more about consumption. Proof? Franken- muth advertises the world's largest Christ- mas store as an attraction. Also, you can hurry in now to buy the holiday glass set at Arby's, exactly what Jesus would have wanted. Riiiight. So that I am not labeled as self-righteous, I will readily admit that Chanukah can rival Christmas in capitalist zeal. Yet the CIA epi- demic extends beyond an obscured meaning or ignored genesis. Those who perpetuate the CIA situation (far too many people) have made "winter" and "Christmas" synonymous. That's why Arby's can sell their winter glass- es to everyone so easily, because most people have the decoder ring. Also, "Have a nice winter break" and "Enjoy your Christmas break" should not exist as suitable alterna- tives for each other. Yet they do. Please don't get it twisted: Adam Sandler already serves as the "lonely Jew on Christ- mas." And besides, that is not the role for which I'm looking. I simply would like the majority of this country to recognize that they've made Christmas into an industry and a two-month day. When Santa comes this year, please keep people like me in mind. I'll be watching the Lakers-Kings and getting ready for the Passover season, four months from JC's big day. Joseph Litman can be reached at litmanj@umich.edu. LETTER TO THE EDITOR Michigan House Cooperative is a great place to live To THE DAILY: I am an avid reader of The Michigan Daily and I am compelled to write in response to Ari Paul's column Hypocrisy's top five, (11/21/02) which I believe exhibits both weak editorial writing and fallacious logical reason- ing and is far below the caliber of journalistic Fight Poverty," (as opposed-to the misquoted "Co-ops Cure Poverty"). He proceeds to assert that people in our house "think that by sharing tofu and rice and drinking microbrews they're going to alleviate the world of socio- economic inequality." While I certainly do not speak for every- one who lives or boards at the house, my per- sonal view of our co-operative living arrangement is that we are providing an affordable housing alternative to students rather than paying exorbitant rental fees to absentee Ann Arbor landlords. also criticizes our co-op house because it contains "the whitest kids on the block." In contrast to tha assertions made in the col- umn, our house does contain members of various cultural and socio-economic back- grounds, but this fact is irrelevant to the issue of whether co-operative houses as an institution actually help to fight poverty. In the future, I hope that Ari Paul and The Michigan Daily staff as a whole, will take more time in actually investigating the positions of those whom they are criticizing and researching the issues rather than mak- ;" ii~ *AAna1 rar3adCIPnl ' .AI L~V LL I . -1. -:r - .----: 11-V--.:V - y ------S . I. ' #1