Michigan State at Michigan
Michigan State at Michigan
Saturday, 12.:05 p.m., Michigan Stadium
Saturfay, 12.:05 p.m., M higan Stadium
Ed Martin, flat tops, frat boys and
Moonbeam: Sounds like Ann Arbor
A day in the life of a
nother year and another chance to
reminisce on why it's better to be
Let's start our journey down memory lane
with a look at the Nov. 3, 2001 event. It was
the last time we saw the rabies-infested
Wolverines walk out of Spartan Stadium
with their tails between their legs.
Moving on, let's just
forget about the mon-
strosity of a basketball
team and the season it
put together last year.
While our team struggled
to find consistent play,
I'd rather have a team led
by the fiery Tommy Izzo
than Tommy "is my flat- RYAN
top still in" Amaker. WALLACE
While we're on the The State
subject of basketball, Te
let's not forget the most News
newsworthy person in
Michigan basketball history, Ed Martin -
a.k.a. "Big Daddy Fat Sacks." Seeing C-
Webb sweat over his indictment by the FBI
and hearing Jalen Rose admit to taking a
few $100 handshakes from Martin brought
tears to my eyes.
Knowing the possible sanctions that lie
ahead for this once-sacred Maize-and-Blue
program saddens me. I used to love watch-
ing Shawn Respert and Eric Snow duel with
the Fab Five growing up.
Now I know this rivalry will never reach
the hysteria it created in the past. Thanks
for ruining something good.
Moving right along, wait a minute, what's
this, someone is refusing to browse through
what you call a newspaper on purpose.
Now I know this is a sensitive subject, but
it doesn't help the image of your fine publi-
cation, but keep up the good work.
Enough with this depressing review of
Michigan sports, let's look at the real rea-
sons why it's better to bleed Green and
Every year your columns blast us for
being a cow college. Well, that is exactly
what we are. We are one of the top agricul-
tural schools in the country.
People who come to MSU come here
because they want to come to a good pro-
gram. It's not that we are some second-hand
byproduct that got rejected from Michigan,
it's simple - we didn't want to go to the
school in Ann Arbor.
I know for a fact that everyone in the
MSU School of Journalism came here to get
a solid education. Also, the parties up here
are 100 times better than anything that can
ever be conceived in Ann Arbor.
Let's run through the group of people
you'd see at a party in Michigan. You got
Dirk the frat boy from New Jersey, who for-
got his name just minutes ago. You got
Moonbeam, who's trying to save the planet
one-potted plant at a time. And finally,
Brad, the sophisticated, sweater-wearing
square who philosophizes everything while
blowing away all of daddy's money.
I'm not saying that these kind of people
represent everyone that goes to Ann Arbor,
but I think it's a fair assessment.
Don't get me wrong, there are a few good
things about Michigan.
Hash Bash always is a good time and the
nightlife is hip.
But that's about it.
Anyway, I can guarantee when the Spar-
tans and the Wolverines square off for the
95th time in the Big House, it's going to be
I'm not going to give any predictions, but
I do expect Martin-like boosters to be on
hand, I expect to see Webber sweating it out
and I expect Amaker's squad to be trimming
Ryan Wallace, State News Sports Editor, would
just like to say: W is for wins, H is for home
field advantage, O is offense, R is for rivalry,
E is for end zone and S is for sacks. Put them
all together and what does it spell ... reach
him at email@example.com.
Last nigh, I dreamt that I lived a day in the
life of both afootball coach and a star
quarterback Yeah, so my dream is totally
diferent than real lfe. I mean this could never
actually be true, right? Right.
A COACH'S DAY
Setting:Shack behind 7-Eleven.
awakens in a puddle
of his own drool.
"Oh man. I can't
believe I overslept
going to kill me."
slaps on his Nike JOE
sweats and apron SMITH
and rushes out the The Michigan
door. He's already Da
late for his firs__ -- ly
and most important
- duty of the day: Being the personal
cook for the basketball coach, a job
every other coach at the school shares.
Coach scampers up the steps to a three-
story palace and rings the doorbell. He is
welcomed with a stern, sarcastic look.
"Hey, Mr. Motor City Bowl - you're
late" the basketball coach yells.
The red-faced Coach quickly prepares
is star QB
the basketball coach's favorite - scram-
bled eggs - and brings him the morning
paper. "They really don't like you here
do they," the basketball coach says while
reading a front-page news story calling
for Coach's head. "Wait a minute ... I've
told you a million times - I like my
eggs over easy! Not scrambled! Can't
you do anything right?"
Coach shrugs, puts his tail between his
legs and leaves. It's time for him to bail
out a couple of his players from jail
before he heads to afternoon recess -
ime: 115 p.m.
Setting: Practice field.
Coach stands on the 50-yard line with
his hands on his hips and his patented
dazed and confused look on his face. He
sees the quarterbacks hovering around a
garbage can, giggling incessantly as they
take turns passing around something that
Coach mistakes for an elongated inhaler.
"I didn't know you guys have asthma,"
Coach says before blowing the whistle,
signifying the end of "free time." After
watching game film marked "Girls Gone
Wild," Coach heads to Super Kmart for
what he calls his "night job."'Ever since
school administrators "fixed the glitch"
and stopped Coach's paycheck, he's had
to work 25 hours a week bagging Martha
Setting: Back to the shack.
Coach takes the bus home. He kisses
his wife and his dog goodnight before
checking out his newly created home-
page, www.savemyjob.com, for the sec-
ond time of the day and finds some
"Hey honey" Coach yells to his wife.
"We've gotten two hits on the web site. I
guess there is hope after all!"
Setting: The banks of a redcolored rive.
The star quarterback wakes up face-
down in the mud outside a local strip
club. His head is pounding. His nose
can't stop twitching. (Now why would
that be?) After a wild night of partying,
he can't remember how he got there.
"Damn, I feel dumb," the quarterback
Reaping the benefits of his suspension
from the football team, he decides to cel-
ebrate by hitting up "Happy Hour" at a
local pub. After all, a combination of
nine shots of Jim Beam and a couple
aspirin should help that headache, right?
On the way he runs into one of his
teammates, the tight end, walking hand-
in-hand with a very cute 13-year old girl.
"What's up man. Is that your little sis-
ter?" the quarterback asks.
"Uhhh yeah ... my sister," the tight
end says. "Right ... my sister."
The quarterback laughs, gives his tight
end a chest bump and walks away. He's
got some business to take care of. He
meets up with one of his "associates" on
the street corner. "You got the stuff?" the
"Yeah, you can't get it any better than
this," says his associate. "Not even on
your website, (www.qbpharmacy com)."
Just then, a gorgeous blonde from a
local sorority approaches the quarterback
and starts to flirt.
"Hey baby, you were smokin' last
night!" she said, flipping her hair back
"You're damn right I was," says the
quarterback. "Where there's smoke,
there's fire, baby!"
The quarterback then makes a pass at
the blonde, which is immediately inter-
cepted and returned for a touchdown.
Time: 7:35 p.m.
Setting: Student Union.
After another "special doctor's
appointment" the quarterback and sever-
al teammates meet up to discuss their
football picks for the upcoming week.
Other than losing, gambling is another
"Hey guys, you hear we're 16-point
underdogs?" says the center.
"Yeah, that's nothing man. We can lose
by way more than that," the quarterback
said. "Put me down for 500 bucks on
them - it's a piece of cake."
Time: 2:30 a.m.
Setting: Quarterback's crib.
The quarterback and a few of his
teammates practice doing "lines" for the
rest of the night in preparation for their
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