-

0

4B - The Michigan Daily - Weeke4 Magazine - Thursday, October 24, 2002
RENA GREIFINGER - I GIVE You MY WORD(S)
SMILES, STAPLERS
AND MY SEARCH FOR HAPPINESS

The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine -

E3

ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITI



ANDY TAYLOR-FABE - THE EuPHIO QUESTION
SELF DEFENSE AND SABOTAGE IN THE
FACE OF CONCERT BOOBERY

ve just written, erased and rewritten
the first line of this column about 25
times. For some reason, I am feeling
very pressured to write a standout essay
this week, and it is starting to drive me
nuts. Last time, I wrote a column about

crossword puzzles, and I received the most
feedback and praise that I have ever gotten
in my short writing career. I believe I came
pretty close to receiving this much atten-
tion after my column last semester regard-
ing the hot spots on campus to have sex, but

this one still takes the cake. So, here it is.
The two most popular topics of conversa-
tion are sex and crossword puzzles! Well,
these are my kind of people!
I have been trying to make some corre-
lation between these two models of enter-


As an engineer in
the U.S. Air Force,
there's no telling what
you'll work on.
(Seriously, we can't tell you.)

tainment, and my results have been weak.
Indeed, I did refer to completing a cross-
word in an orgasmic-like tone, but I don't
know if that counts. Sex and crossword
puzzles have little to do with each other,
except that everyone is doing them! The
fact of the matter is, though we are all typ-
ical, horny twenty-somethings, we are
also intelligent students at a prestigious
university. Let's face it; we crave stimula-
tion in both mind and body.
This whole phenomenon has me think-
ing about all those little things in life that
make me happy (Sex is not so little, but you
understand). In this chaotic world, on this
campus that never sleeps, simple goodness
goes unnoticed. We are so consumed with
school, partying, rallies and chastising the
evangelist freak on the grad steps that we
fail to appreciate those miniscule details
that put smiles on our faces. For example,
we all know how wonderful it feels to fin-
ish writing a long and tedious paper.
But, do you ever realize how fucking
cool the electric stapler in the Fishbowl is?
Your paper is that much better because
you get to stick it under that modest device
and instantly bind it with a soft "zzz!" The
electric stapler makes me happy. What
about the fact that the newspaper is free
every day? I am able to do (attempt really)
the crossword five days a week without
spending a single penny! I get to receive
feedback from my fellow students about
my writing, when otherwise they probably
would not have paid to read it. My list of
"little things that make me happy" goes on
and on. My goal is to have all of you nod-
ding your heads in agreement as you read
it, saying to yourselves, "Oh, yeah! I never
thought about how great that really is!"
There is nothing like the feeling of call-
ing shotgun when embarking on a long
road trip. It makes my day when I put on
an old pair of jeans and find money in the
pocket (hell, it could be three bucks and
my broke ass will be glowing for the rest
of the day!). What about the first sip of an
ice-cold Corona with lime on a steamy hot
afternoon? Or getting film back from that

party where you have no recollection of
taking any pictures? Isn't it amazing
when you wake up early in the morning,
just to see that you have two more hours
before you have to get up? Or the excite-
ment of finding a parking space in front
of Angel Hall, not to mention parking at
a meter that still has time left. What about
seeing NYPD on your caller ID at three
a.m. when you have raging munchies?
Two words: concert anticipation. You
know, that feeling that you get in the pit
of your stomach when you walk into a
concert that you just know will be amaz-
ing (Wailers last Saturday night, baby!)
Think back to Middle School for a
second. How great was it when you woke
up to a tumultuous blizzard outside your
window and you just knew that school
would be cancelled and you could go
sledding all day! (For those of you who
never experienced the glory of a snow
day, I am sorry). The feeling of clean
clothes right out of the dryer. A warm bed
on a heatless night. A perfect jump shot.
A sweatshirt that has never been washed.
The other side of the pillow. And to quote
the ever-talented Cody Liebman, "A
great sweat, great soak and a great shave"
(props, boy). And then there is that
miraculous day in the middle of February
where the cold, gray, miserable clouds of
Ann Arbor disappear and we get 24 hours
of spring before going back to mid-win-
ter reality. When everyone comes out in
shorts and flip-flops even though it is
only 60 degrees, no one goes to class and
there isn't a frown seen on campus. You
know, the suicide rate in Seattle is higher
than anywhere else in the country for a
reason.
. Finally, in my search for the simplest,
cheapest and most pure sense of happi-
ness, one entity stands alone. It is one
that feelsjust as good to give as it does to
receive. Some say it can go a long way; I
say it can carry you further than you
could ever imagine. Smile!
- Rena Greifinger can be reached at
igreifin@umich.edu.

You give music a bad name.
B LLBOARD
TOP 10
1. Elvis: 30 #1 Hits, Elvis
Presley - A little less Nelly, a
little more Presley, please.
2. Bounce, Bon Jovi - He's
wanted, dead or alive. Actually,
dead. Dead is better.
3. Forty Licks, The Rolling
Stones - Oh, wow, well if the
Stones chose the songs them-
selves, then it must be much bet-
ter.
4. Let Go, Avril Lavigne -
Please let go of the top 10.
5. NeHyville, Nelly - Oh,
man, Nelly is so lame. His Band-
Aid totally didn't match his
clothes on TRL last week.
6. Home, Dixie Chicks -
Please go away.
7. The Eminem Show, Eminem
- A huge stretch for Eminem.
8. Man vs. Machine, Xzibit -
If the man is Xzibit, we've got
our money on machine.
9. The Last D.J., Tom Petty
and the Heartbreakers - Tom,
something isn't working. Maybe
fewer drugs. Or more.
10. American Idol: Greatest
Moments, Soundtrack - A
whole new crop of people lined
up on Monday to try to con-
tribute to the next version of this
terrible CD.

e concert experience can be magical. There is the
rush of finding out how sweet (or un-sweet) your seats
really are (Sure, you've got row A .. of section R6),
that moment after the lights go out and the crowd goes nuts
and that feeling when they finally break into your favorite
song. Unfortunately, just like any event that involves large
numbers of people, there are always a few bad apples that are
responsible for teeth-grindgly, fist-shakingly evil shenani-
gans that draw out the c rmudgeo nin the most mellow music
fan. What follows is not only a list of the most egregious sins
at concerts, but a plan of action to combat these blunders.
Sit or stand? This is an age-old struggle that will probably;
never have a clear resolution, mainly because, well, there are
always going to be a lot of jerks out there who just refuse to
understand that I'm right and they're stupid. So let us dissect
this conflict in the hopes of reaching a cease-fire.
When you are at a concert, the general rule is that you sit
your ass down unless there is some compelling reason why
you should be standing. (Needless to say, open-floor, gener-
al admission events are excluded from this rule, as sitting
down will likely cause ill-advised contact with numerous
diseases and/or fungi.)
Furthermore, the decision to stand or sit is a collective
one; it is democratic, but it is democracy with an iron fist, for
you do not have the right to peaceful protest. If you get the
sense that the majority of the crowd has chosen to make this
a sitting event, you must obey immediately, lest you irritate
hundreds if not thousands of people who surrendered their
hard-earned money to attend the concert,
Right now, many of you standers are probably indignant-
ly saying: "We paid our money just like everyone else; we
paid our Ticketmaster service charges and "convenience".
charges - we have the right to stand up if we want!" Yeah,
and I have the right to hurl small pebbles at your head if you
are standing up right in front of me when every other person
in the place has decided to sit. By the way, in no way do I
endorse bringing small rocks to throw at annoying people at
concerts ... But if, hypothetically, you just had to throw
something, a pebble is the smart man's weapon. Balled up
paper doesn't do nearly enough damage, and while pennies
(or other coins) would seem to be a good choice, since they
are both easily accessible and heavy, they can catch reflec-
tions of light and possibly identify you as the thrower, which
can result in you beingon the receiving end of a bouncer's
$6.75-an-hour-fist. (Note: This rule goes for almost any
metal object, including throwing stars, so leave them at
home and save yourself the trouble and the beating.)
Oh, and to the guy who decides that he is going to get a

really good view by standing on his seat or getting on some-
oe's shoulders ... death. No jury, no trial. Instant death by
stoning (see above).
One of the worst things that can happen to you, the gen-
tIe, respectful audience member, at an open floor event is
that when space is tight, some guy or girl in front of you
decides that now is the time to dance wildly, gyrating in all
directions, lunging around like a large, hairy spider has
worked its way into his/her shirt. This person will invariably
knock you around, step on toes and generally violate your
space. You may ask, "How am I to deal with such a person?
Is direct confrontation the answer?"
Absolutely not. Like all good reactions to theantics of
concert jerks, the solution is to develop a good, strong, pas-
sive-aggressive response. In this case, you throw an elbow.
Hey, now hear me out. I'm not suggesting that you drop
them to the floor pro-wrestling style or anything dramatic
like that (although technically, that would work). Here's what
you do: 1) Plant your fist in your chest with your elbow
sticking out in front of you 2) Sit back and wait. That's the
beauty of the whole plan: You don't have to do anything. If
those dancers get close enough to get the business end of
your arm in their spines, they are too close. It's nobody's fault
but their own. Criticize this plan if you want, but I guarantee
you will tryit.
There comes a time during every concert when people in
the crowd decide that the so-called "set-list" is not good
enough for them. They want to hear that certain song right
now, and they'll be damned if they aren't going to let the singer
know Please don't. Unless they ask for requests, the odds that
they are going to hear your request, stop the band and say,
"Hey, if that jackass holding up the T-shirt he just bought at the
merch. stand wants me to play it, then what the hell!" are slim
to none. One more thing: If you are the jagoff that stifi thinks
it is hilarious to yell "Freebird" at the top of your hings at any
extended period of silence during the show, kill yourself.
There are scores of other sins that can be committed by the
inconsiderate concert-goer, but they are too numerous to count,
and most of them are clich6s by now. You have the girl dancing
alone who appears to have spontaneously lost all of her bones
and muscle control, the doofus who decides that people proba-
bly wouldn't mind hearing a loud rendition of the songs from
hum even though they paid money to see that guy on stage
(Let's use our inside voices, please). The list is endless.
But sinceI already sound like anmisanthrope, I will end my
rant here. Go forth, brave souls, and don't forget your pebbles.
Andy Taylor-Fabe can be reached at
andvtayl i ch.edi.


1

United States Air Force applied technology is years ahead
of what you'll touch in the private sector, and as a new
engineer you'll likely be involved at the ground level of new
and sometimes classified developments. You'll begin leading
and managing within this highly respected group from day
one. Find out what's waiting behind the scenes for you in
the Air Force today. To request more information, call
1-800-423-USAF or Log on to airforce.com.
U.S. AIR FORCE
CROSS INTO THE BLUE


. . ......... . ... .
... ... ...... .

WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT

'GODFATHER' PART IV A POSSI-
BILITY - Jonathan Karp, who was
'Godfather' author Mario Puzo's
editor at Random House, has been
in negotiations with Puzo's estate
for the rights to the characters in
The Godather Trilogy. Zap2it.com
reports that Karp is hoping to turn
the characters over "o someone
who can continue to write stories
about the famous family.
"We hope that Paramount or
some other studio will want to buy
the movie rights, and it is our
intention to see that happen," said
Karp. This is not the first time that
there has been speculation and
buzz about the continuation of the
mob family saga.
Talk of storylines in the '30s and
the continuation of the Vincent
Mancini (Andy Garcia) storyline

have been going on for some time.
'JACKASS' SUED BY
INJURED WOMAN -
Wendy Linden has
sued "Jackass" cast
member David
England, along
with MTV and
Viacom Inc.,
over injuries
that she suffered
while attending
a taping of an
episode of the
canceled MTV
series. During the.
show, England
used himself as a
"human missile"
and knocked over
a lectern near Do you think I'm

Linden, causing knee and spine
injuries. Linden claims that she was
guaranteed that she would not be
touched by any members of the cast.
"Jackass: The Movie" comes out
this Friday.
ADULT SWIM TO B19
EXPANDED - The
Cartoon Network has
announced that it
will expand Adult
Swim to five
nights per week,
starting in January.
"Futurama" will
join the ranks of
"Space Ghost,"
"Sealab 2021" and
"Harvey Birdman,
Courtesy of Cartoon Network Attourney at
Irish? Law."

IHE 0.J. ALL STAR
OF THE WEEK

CHRISTINA AGUILERA
The pop star's video "Dirrty" has
advertisements for Thailand's Sex
Tourism industry, an illegal but high-
ly lucrative business. The signs in
the background of the boxing ring,
written in Thai, read "Thailand's Sex
Tourism" and "Young Underage
Girls." The Thai government has
threatened legal action if the video is
"damaging to the country's reputation."


nl