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The Michigan Daily - Ileek6nd1aO

14B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, April 10, 2003
ANDY TAYLOR-FABE - THE EUPHIO QUESTION
t THE REAL BEST AND WORST
OF ANN ARBOR


.O _._. _ ...! ...... .. .. . ..

JEFF PHILLIPS - Am I WRONG?


TIME FOR ME TO FLY

- BUT WHERE

TO FLY TO?

Does anyone really give a shit
who has the "Best Chipati" in
Ann Arbor? Is that knowledge
that will help you in your daily life? Or
how about the "Best Car Dealership?"
Seriously, is that truly vital informa-
tion? I have compiled a list of the
important bests and worsts that will be
useful to everyone, but mostly students.
Worst place to try to buy alcohol
without an ID: Village Corner. Take
one look at the row of confiscated fake
IDs and you'll know VC is not the place
to go to buy when you're underage.
They're so strict that you could flash a
real ID, buy some beer, and if you came
back 10 minutes later and tried to buy
from the same person, they'd card you
again. One might say that they're just
doing their jobs, but you know who else
were "just doing their jobs?" - the
Nazis. Think about it ...
Best place to buy alcohol without an
ID: Campus Corner. Located at the
corner of State and Packard, Campus
Corner is by far the friendliest place to
illegally buy alcohol within walking
distance. Here's the catch: You must
have breasts for this to work. Runner-
up: Champion's. Conveniently located
on South Forest, Champion's, the city's
only combination party store/laundro-
mat and self-proclaimed "Best store in
Ann Arbor" is ideal as a "Plan B" when
you get shut down at Village Corner.
Although they are complete pushovers

when it comes to IDs, they only have
beer, so an Ypsi liquor store trip may
still be necessary.
Worst Place to Live: (tie) The
houses adjacent to Dominick's
(only during warm months) and
Rick's (anytime of the year).
Although these houses provide easy
access to the bars, one can never
escape the noise of drunken merri-
ment or equally drunken 2:15 a.m.
street fights. For the houses near
Rick's, the constant proximity of the
police has to be unnerving, and for
those near Dominick's, as patrons of
the mostly outdoor establishment
become more and more intoxicated,
the odor of regurgitated Sangria waft-
ing over the back garden into your
house cannot be pleasant. Runner-up:
1523 South University.
Best People Watching Locale: The
usual winner is the Diag, but the
ignorant slobs who believe that are
the same ones who think Pizza
House is the best restaurant in Ann
Arbor: They have never walked more
than two blocks away from campus.
The best people watching in Ann
Arbor is at the Fleetwood Diner at
about 4:15 a.m. It's too late for the
post-bar crowd and too early for the
early-morning-breakfast-types,
ensuring a healthy mix of the unem-
ployed, the transient-dirtball crowd
and the just plain weird.

Best Surly Used Book Store
Employee: The guy that works at
Dave's Books on the corner of
East Liberty and State Street. I
don't know if this is "Dave" himself,
but every time I see this guy, he looks
like he has just gotten an hour-long
proctology exam from an angry griz-
zly bear. Relax, chief - your day
consists of reading a book and occa-
sionally shelving used copies of old
Stephen King novels. There is no rea-
son you should be this irritable.
Worst Sandwiches: Subway. With
quality establishments like Jimmy
John's and Potbelly Sandwich Works
within walking distance, no one should
be paying $7 for bread that tastes like
bark and meat that looks like the agar
from those petri dishes from science
lab. And this is the only place that I
know of where someone has had to
send his sandwich back because it was
dripping with Windex. (OK, to be fair,
it wasn't necessarily Windex; it could
have been any blue surface cleanser.)
I understand that the Subway in the
Union is attractive because of its Entree
Plus option and the fact that it is the
only place in the Union that will not
give you instant coronary blockage, but
still, it's gross.
, Worst Elevator: The elevators in
the Dennison Building. I don't care if
your class is on the ninth floor. Take the
stairs - your spine will thank you

later. These technological terrors actu-
ally seem to accelerate as they move, so
if you are going up, you will briefly be
air-born at the end of your journey, and
if you are going down, you will be able
to actually feel the discs in your back
compressing and bursting as you land.
Runner-up: The freight elevator in
East Quad. Moving at a blinding two
inches per minute, this elevator pro-
vides easy access to the Half-Ass but
has an unfortunate tendency to stop
between floors. People used to use the
elevator to steal food from the kitchen
in the middle of the night, but the pow-
ers that be finally wised up and shut the
death trap down every evening.
Worst Student Group: Ooh, we seem
to have an 87-way tie: The winners are
every a capeHa group on campus.
Hey, you know what sounds even bettcr
than making noise that sounds like
music? Actual music. Runner-up: The
Coalition to Defend Affirmative
Action By Any Means Necessary
(BAMN). Shouldn't it be "By Any
Means Ethical?" Guys, seriously,
you're driving away the potentially
sympathetic middle ground with all
that "Either you're with us or you're
with the re-segregationists" stuff.
Best Copy Place: Excel. So let me
get this straight - it's not illegal to
copy and sell thousands of pages of
copyrighted material as long as the cus-
tomers press the button to begin copy-

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$12.49+ Tax
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Expires 4/30/03
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ing? Wow, the logic at play there is
fantastic. So could an underage kid
drink in a bar if he poured his own
drink? Runner-up: Accu-Copy.
Although they are even more shady
than Excel, at least Accu-Copy is
straightforward about blatantly
breaking the law. They don't accept
credit cards because they like to
keep their money under a big mat-
tress in the back of the store.
Worst place to go during book
rush: Shaman Drum, the Studio 54
of bookstores. I always try to support
local businesses, but I don't want to
stand next to Biener's hot dog stand
for an hour and a half while the line
stretches out in front of me.
Unfortunately, you usually won't
have a choice, as most of the inde-
pendent-friendly professors at this
university think it's hilarious to order
the books only at Shaman.
Best place to get ripped off Pita Pit.
They skimp on ingredients more than
any eatery I have ever seen. Runner-up:
the Clark gas station on the corner
of Main and East William. The sign
may say that a particular brand of ciga-
rettes are $4.49, but you might just get
charged $6.00 if you catch the guy in a
bad mood.
Worst place to walk: Unless you have
a large umbrella, do not walk down
South University between the Law
School and the UGLI in the evening
when the crows are nesting. The bird
shit falls like rain. I'm surprised Mary
Sue can even leave her house.
Worst traffic light: The light at
Washtenaw and South University.
After you have waited 17 minutes for
the light to change, don't dawdle. You
have about three-and-a-half seconds
before the "Don't Walk" sign begins to
flash again.
Best Water-glass-refill frequency:
China Gate, no contest.
-Andy Taylor-Fabe can be reached at
andytayl@umich.edu.
} GRADUATES!
Wake up. Get coffee.
Change the world.
Spend 10 months (Sept-June) in
full-time community service in the
metro Detroit area
- Receive a $4,725 scholarship,
weekly stipend & health benefits
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- Promote civic engagement
For an application or more
information, call City Year
Detroit at 313-874-7374
or visit our website at
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ccomcast is limited - apply today!
CA] City Year Detroit:
gm.. Putting idealism
to work!

S( here do I go from
here?" Some of us
asked our parents this
question when we graduated high
school and come April 26, even
more will ask this same question.
We are expected to know what we
want to do with our lives - at least
at the beginning - and where we
want to live.
I have no idea where I want to
end up. All I know is that I've
planned to go to law school to delay
making a decision on what I want to
do with my life and at the very
least, I need to decide where I'm
going to live. Since I have trouble
making up my mind, I'm hoping
that by talking it out by making a
list of the good and bad points of
each city, I will come to a decision.
I've compiled a list of six places,
where I potentially could live,
based upon where I've been accept-
ed for school or expect to within
the next few weeks. I've listed my
own "Pros" and "Cons" with each
location, but I'm sure that more
could be added.
BLOOMINGTON, IND.
Pros: Great college town. It's a
party school masquerading as a col-
lege (is this a pro or a con?). The
people love basketball. Every time I
watch "Hoosiers" I will be glad I'm
living in Indiana.
Cons: It's in Indiana; can I really
live in Indiana? I don't want to be
stuck in Indiana for the rest of my
life. It's a little too close to Amish
country. It's too flat.

LEXINGTON, VA.
Pros: Better weather than Michi-
gan. Suburban/rural setting will be
soothing for any stress I might
encounter. Very pretty area, pictur-
esque even. It's a rich with history.
Close enough to the Atlantic Ocean
for weekend trips.
Cons: Not close to a big city, or
even a small city. It's a little too
close to West Virginia for my own
comfort. I might be a fish out of
water. I don't think I care about
how pretty it is or it's history. It's in
the South.
MADISON, WIs.
Pros: Great college town. It has
lots of bars. It won't suffer from a
cheese shortage. It's a capital city.
The farmer's market is fun. Great
place for college sports, specifical-
ly the Big Ten. Only two hours
north of Chicago. Seems like the
perfect place for a Midwesterner to
end up.
Cons: It is a little too much like
Ann Arbor. It has lots of bars. How
much do I really like cheese? After
enduring winter all my life, I'm not
sure I want to see another one,
especially Wisconsin's.
MINNEAPOLIS, MINN.
Pros: City has a lot to offer in the
way of extracurricular activities.
Strong sports following and strong
sense of pride in the city itself. Big
city means lots of jobs after gradua-
tion. It's close to St. Paul.
Cons: Not really a college town. I
don't think I want to be stuck there all
of my life. It's too cold. It's not quite
the Midwest, it's not quite Canada.

The people like hockey too much.
San Diego, CALIF.
Pros: Perfect weather year-round.
Doesn't suffer from a lack of
beaches or battleships. Close to the
Mexican border. It's in California
and it's not Los Angeles.
Cons: Will the beaches be too much
of a distraction? (Yes.) Not the best
place for a person of many vices. For
my own confidence, I don't want to
be the palest person in a city. Will I
miss seasons? (No.) Might be a little
too expensive to live.
TEMPE, ARIz.
Pros: Much warmer than Michigan.
It's an expanding area; at least that's
what I've been told. Four hours south
of Las Vegas. Nice suburban setting,
with a good separation from Phoenix,
without being too far away. It's home
to the Fiesta Bowl. Did I mention how
warm it is?

Cons: It's not just warm, it's hot:
150 degrees in the summer. It's
deep in cowboy territory (I'm talk-
ing about full cowboy attire for
many residents). Surrounded by
desert. Campus looks more like a
resort than an institute for higher
learning (is this really bad?). Park-
ing tickets are outrageous, assum-
ing I'm not riding my horse.
With these options in mind,
please help me decide where to live.
It might be the biggest decision I
have to make and I don't want that
kind of pressure. If you are going
through a similar crisis, I would
suggest you make a similar list, just
make sure that Chicago doesn't see
that you think it has chubby ankles.
-JeffPhillips would like to thank every-
one that reads his column. He can be
reached atjpphilli@umich.edu.


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EANEDRAND 1IERCING

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