4B - The Michigan Daily - eke d Iijizin- - Thursday, April 10, 2003 0 0 1 0 CAITLIN NISH - BEHIND CLOSED DOORSI UNFINISHED BUSINESS AND POST-COLLEGE SEX The Michigan Daily - Weekeld Maine- [ 7 Am PAUL - I FOUGHT THE LAW APRIL I S THE CRUELEST MONTI- my editors e-mailed to say that tis was my last column, I was stumped. What was the one thing that I hadn't written about that I couldn't leave without doing? There are so many topics that I didn't get the chance to cover - sex etiquette, pornography, anal sex, the rules of the random hook-up and the use of food products during sex being just a sample of my untapped ideas. Then there were the ideas that people have e-mailed me that I found either too bizarre or disgusting; people who dress up as furry animals to have sex, people who have sex with furry animals, peeing on someone as sexual stimulation and sex while menstruating. See, I told you they were bizarre and disgusting. I also considered printing my answers to some of the stranger emails I got in response to my column. I decided that would take too long, but to those who wrote me, I have just this to say: 1. I am not a psychologist. I have only taken one psych class and didn't even do that well in it. My columns simply state my opinions, opinions I've formed with- Omliege Braduati M Specil out any scientific basis. They are usually things my friends and I discuss after returning home from the bar. And yes, I. am well aware that sex is not just some- thing to talk casually about. Yes, sex can be very loving and very special. But let's be honest, do you think anyone wants to read about that? No, they want to read about road head and doing it on the 50- yard line, so that's what I give them. 2. I am not a matchmaker and I do not run a sorority girl escort service. I don't make housecalls to dorms and I can't help you meet people or give you tips on how to meet people. I've been with the same per- son for close to four years. I barely think I would know how to meet someone new I live vicariously through my single friends. I would like to help you find the perfect mate, but that is not my area of expertise. 3. I am not a man hater. Yes, I make fun of men, but only because they are easy tar- gets, especially when it comes to sex. If you are one of the many men who have e- mailed me to say that you think that I treat you unfairly, you should read the stories I get from women. Men deserve to be made fun of.If you have a problem with it, apply for a column. Anyway, while I was sitting in front of a blank computer screen watching the minutes tick away and my editors becom- ing nervous as their deadline approached, I realized that I couldn't decide what to write about because I'm too worried about graduating to think about sex. April is a strange month here at school. The weather is nice (okay, it's supposed to be nice) and everyone's looking forward to the end of classes, which means naked people squirming on the Cube. But in addition to the Naked Mile, the end of classes also signals, for seniors, the end of life as we now know it. I realized that I could write about college sex etiquette or about using food as a prop during sex but that's not what my friends are talking about anymore. Instead, they're talking about how sex changes when we graduate. One friend asked me, "How am I ever going to be able to tell whether a guy is a complete psycho who's going to take me home to chop me into a thousand pieces or if he's normal? Is it even safe to think about meeting anyone at a bar?" Let me tell you, she's never once been concerned about the safety of going home with someone she met at Touchdown's or Rick's. Yes, she's a little more worried about dating post-college than most of my friends, but her con- cerns are valid. At school we're in a little cocoon where we think that just because someone is in our English class, they are perfectly safe. Most of the people I've talked to here are concerned only that their one-night stand will wake up as they're trying to sneak out. Michigan has provided it's students with a false sense of safety. The real world is a different story. It's like what my kindergarten teacher always told us; be careful and use the buddy system. My friends are wondering whether their college relationships can survive the hard- ship of suddenly becoming long distance. It's going to be a big change for those who are used to semi-living with their signifi- cant others (okay, and having sex on com- mand, whenever they want it). I have one friend who, when talking about her col- lege boyfriend, dramatically flung herself onto her bed and moaned, "Oh my God, the first time I see him after July is going to be at Christmas. I might actually have to buy a vibrator." Instead of talking about sex, we're talking about the fact that we're not going to be having any. Yes, this is definitely a strange time, not only for seniors but also for those moving back home for the summer. It's rough, you know you're not going to be taking anyone back home to a bedroom that still has dinosaurs on the wallpaper and a mother who wakes up every time you come home late. School might be ending, but enjoy the time you still have left. There's always time later to worry about the real world. - Caitlin Nish can be reached at cnish@umich.edu. Ann Arbor. Shit. I'm still only in Ann Arbor. When I was home after my first year, it was worse. I'd wake up, and there'd be nothing. I hardly said a word to my parents until I said goodbye at the airport. When I was here, I wanted to be there. When I was there, all I could think of was getting back in school. I've been here three years now. Waiting for a letter from a potential employer, getting softer. Every minute I stay in this attic apartment I get weaker. And every minute my professors squat in their offices they get stronger. Each time I look around, the walls move in a little tighter. Though ostensibly it is spring, I have a hard time realizing how fast this year went by. I guess all the fighting that went on this year was just so much fun that I lost all track of time. I'd love to think that my adoles- cent, impulsive anger was left for dead in a city four states away, but I've let the part of myself that enjoys hurting other people have regular outbursts. Sure, I still contend that a lot of the ranting and swearing over e- mail, conversation and in this col- umn were in the name of something good (hey, I got to take a little cred- it for Rick Dorfman apologizing to the campus publicly, for which I laud him), but my love of having fun at someone else's expense is immature. I feel I need to change, but I think others do too. T.S. Eliot was right, April is the cruelest month, because as I stare into a bleak future for this country, and an uncertain one for me, I look back on this past year and have to face all the fighting and hatred that did not have to happen here on this campus. My anger-driven activities have also brought out the worst in others. My exposure of some of the racist things perpetrated Students Allied for Freedom and Equality caused by its leader, Fadi Kiblawi, to libel me by proclaiming that I hate all Arabs and am a 'delusional Zionist.' Is detente possible? Maybe. To turn a phrase from Adlai Stevenson, perhaps if he promises to stop telling lies about me, I will promise to stop telling the truth about him. Or, will he realize that in order to achieve peace in one's self and oth- ers, one must not allow anger to distort one's vision? Will he learn to love peace? If he and his counterparts on the other side of the Israelstine battle continue to exploit suffering for their careers or scribble hateful comments, their tragic existence falls into my domain, making it my duty to stand firm between them and in a position of power for the sake of everyone else. And every- one who shares the concern for the greater good needs to stand up against these people as well. They will either change or they will be defeated. There is no alternative. My e-mail box has been the source of much of my anger this year. An announcement for a rich, white economist to talk about why sweatshops are good for the global economy crossed into my box this week. Would this product of cod- dled, privileged society think differ- ently if it were his sister, wife or mother who has to be sterilized with a rusted knitting needle and beaten with a crowbar? I can't say that I had a third-world upbringing, but the oblivion to how the other (more than) half lives while defend- ing human rights abuses makes my blood boil. When the pro-war junkies strut around on this campus full of smugness, knowing that they can watch the war on their big screen TVs and not have to risk their lives like their less fortunate, often minority counterparts, it gives me the But mar time A be i mer well the the me in fe all a -A Fuel for the Soul l1 '1ICE R ATHE SPIRIT OF AMERICAN STYLE" ~Mmc "We are Professional Grade-' SM t#100381 cnise ae0 204~f 4 0344 Sun ;;: . Lease payment is a 48 month/12,000 mile lease with all available incentives applies tax, title, and license are extra. Current incentives can change with out notice. Lease is based on approved credit. Must take delivery by April 5, 2003. 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