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4B - The Michigan Daily - liekend liagaZie - Thursday, February 13, 2003
The Michigan Daily - eckend Hagaine -T
CAITuN NISH - BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
HOW TO L
OSE A WOMAN
IN 10 MINUTES
Last week I went to see Kate
Hudson's new film, "How to
Lose a Guy in Ten Days." It's
basically a girl-meets-boy, girl-loses-
boy and girl-ends-up-with-boy roman-
tic comedy that is missing the compo-
nent that usually makes these films
interesting - sex.
I'm not saying that the studio
should have included soft-core porn,
I'm simply asserting that in a world
dominated by female nudity, a little
more of Matthew McConaughey
wouldn't hurt anybody.
The oohs and aahs of the female
viewers when McConaughey took off
his shirt illustrate that most women were
probably thinking about sex during the
movie, but we unfortunately had no
visual to go along with our fantasies.
However, what distinguishes this film
from the thousands of others in its genre
is that it chronicles every needy and
possessive thing a woman could possi-
bly do in a relationship. And, it is all
done in the span of ten days. While this
does make for interesting viewing, it is
humor at the expense of women, who
are portrayed as complete psychos.
Believe me, the average woman usu-
ally does not want to declare everlast-
ing love after three days.
Let's be serious, this is the twenty-
first century. Some women are just
as happy with casual sex and casual
dating as men. I have never heard of
a woman who after less than a week
of dating redecorates a man's apart-
ment in all pink or who shows up at
the all-male poker game and
demands that the guys put out their
cigars and eat carrots.
As we walked out of the theater,
one of my housemates made an
interesting observation. "It takes 10
days to lose someone?" she asked.
"Yeah right, all it really takes is 10
minutes." This made me think - is
it possible to lose someone with only
one sentence?
After doing some informal
research (yes, that means asking my
friends) I decided to compile a list of
pretty thoughtless and strange things
men have said to women that started
catastrophic arguments, made them
throw out phone numbers and tear up
photographs. Remember, being hon-
est is always the best policy.
However, being honest is not synony-
mous with being tactless.
Guys, it doesn't matter if you've
been with a woman for just one night
or for five years. If you ever want her
to sleep with you again, you will think
before saying any of the following:
1. "Umm, yeah. You should
probably get going now. My girl-
friend will be home soon." This
one goes hand in hand with tossing
her clothes onto the bed and saying,
"Well, it was really nice meeting you
last night but I've got a lot of stuff to
do today so you better get going."
Always, always, offer her a ride home
or at least call (and pay for) a cab. It's
the gentlemanly thing to do.
2. "Having your period doesn't
mean you can't give blow jobs."
Yes, I do know someone who not only
said this, but actually thought it was a
great line. Needless to say, he didn't
get any.
3."Your friend is really cute,
could I have her number?" If you
use this one, you will probably end up
with a black eye.
4. "This is my umm, my umm,
good friend," after having dated for
months. Along with that one is every
guy's favorite standby line, "Why do
we need to put a label on it, aren't we
fine the way we are?" It's the age-old
question: Why are men afraid of the
word "girlfriend?"
5. "No, I'm not still interested
in my ex-girlfriend. I just do her
laundry and clean her apartment
to be nice." Along these same lines is
the sex-with-an-ex predicament. You do
not want to delve into the situation by
saying, "Sex with my ex isn't really
cheating because I was sleeping with her
far before I even knew you." Nothing
good can come of this situation.
6. "Did I say I was studying
tonight? You must have misheard
me," when she catches you at the bar
with your buddies. This campus is not
that big. If you lie, she will see you out.
7. "Baby, of course you are still
as hot as you were when we met,
there's just more of you now."
This one is just as detrimental to a
relationship as, "If you got your
boobs done, you'd be even more hot."
8. "I never wear a condom, I'm
just way too big for them." I can't
even justify this one with a comment.
9. Saying during sex, "Ohhh,
Sarah, you feel so good," when
her name is Laura. Even worse is if
you call out her brother's name.
10. And of course, in honor of
Valentine's Day: "Why would I buy
you anything for Valentine's Day?
It's not as if we're really dating."
Now don't get me wrong. There
are many sensitive, thoughtful, lov-
ing men who would never ever say
anything like this. However, these
men are few and far between. Most
women will have to suffer through
one or two of these lines before find-
ing Mr. Right.
- Ifyou have something sweet to
say to Caitlin, she can be reached at
cnish@umich. edu.
DAILY
ARTS MIX
TAPE
Songs to get your
groove on to
SIDE A - Sweet Love Makin'
1. James Brown "Please
Please Please" - The Godfather
of Soul begs for it like no other.
2. Barry White "It's Ecstasy
When You Lay Down Next to
Me" - For a sweaty fat man, the
Walrus of Love sounds super seduc-
tive. You were probably conceived to
this one.
3. Prince "Little Red Corvette"
- Two words: Assless pants.
4. Righteous Brothers "You've
Lost that Loving Feeling" -
Pretend you're Maverick coming in
for "a smooth, smooth landing" on
"the aircraft carrier of desire."
5. Al Green "Let's Get Together"
- The Good Reverend brings new
meaning to the words "Hot Grits"
6. Van Morrison "Tupelo
Honey" --Van isn't very handsome,
but his voice has the ladies swooning.
7. Poison "Every Rose Has Its
Thorn" -Yeah, we know it's cheesy
from start to finish, but somehow the
babes still buy into this power ballad.
8. Stevie Wonder "I Believe
(When I Fall In Love ...)" - Even
though they sang it at your cousin's
wedding, Stevie's earnest delivery
transcends any setting.
SIDE B - Raw Fuckin'
9. Led Zeppelin "Whole Lotta
Love" - Is there any other way to
start off some dirty, hardcore lovin'?
10. The Buzzcocks "Orgasm
Addict" - "You're a kid cassanova /
You're no Joseph / It's a labor of love /
Fucking youtself to death."
11. Skee-Lo "I Wish" - A bril-
liant meditation on the nature' of
human desire delivered by a true poet.
12. N.W.A. "Fuck the Police" -
Ladies, do right by the boys in blue.
13. Def Leppard "Pour Some
Sugar on Me" - Schlock rock at its
finest. Things should be getting pretty
kinky right about now.
14. Madonna "Justify My Love"
- The video was so filthy even MTV
didn't want to show it!
15. Lovage "Strokin'" - All
you need to know is that it's from a
record called Music to Make Love to
Your Old Lady By.
16. The Roots "The Seed 2.0"
- Finish off the night with this mod-
em-day hit. Ohhh yeeeeaaahhh.
MIDNIG HT MOVIES -
ZIGGY STARDUST AND THE
SPIDERS FROM MARS
Starring David Bowie
Saturday, Feb. 15 at Midnight
FAST TIMES AT
RIDGEMONT HIGH
Saturday, Feb. 22 at Midnight
E 1
Clamping down on dry I
BY JIM WEBER
I hate to admit it but, as many times as I have dry
humped, I still don't know when it is coming. The situation
is always the same: the lights are out, we're kissing, I am
on top, starting to get into it and then - WHAM. Her legs
turn into clamps and we're dry humping. There are honest-
ly times when I've thought to myself: "It is going to take
the Jaws of Life to get out of this." And then, before I
know it, it's over. Most times, it isn't just the dry humping
that ends; it is the hookup altogether. So I am left lying in
bed exhausted, frustrated and sore - the latter two I wish
to talk about in more detail.
Most girls think that "Blue Balls" simply means a guy is
just really turned on. I wish that were the case. The balls
don't actually turn blue, but they do actually ache with
pain. It really does feel like someone is squeezing your tes-
ticles. My question is: would it be acceptable for a girl to
reach out, grab a guy's testicles and squeeze (unless you
are kinky like that)? Then, why is it acceptable for a girl to
turn you on, and then not finish the job?
And that's what girls don't get. Girls know that when
they arouse a guy another way (use your imagination),
they would be obligated to finish. But for some reason,
they don't feel the same obligation with dry humping.
According to one girl I know, after a dry hump, the ball
is in the guy's court to please the girl, because dry
humping is the girl's way of pleasing the guy. I hate to
break it to my female readers but, we aren't dogs; we
don't hump things for fun.
I can hear my female readers now: "If guys don't like;
dry humping, then why do they go along with it?";
And that is what girls don't get. Girls think that dry
humping is stimulating for guys because they don't believe
guys would do anything that wasn't immediately pleasing to
them. Well ladies, if you want proof, just think of a time you
have dry humped a guy who is wearing jeans. There is noth-i
ing more painful during a hookup than dry humping in jeansi
(unless - again - you are kinky). You want to talk about
chaffing and getting jammed ... The guy might as well get
up and ram himself into the wall - there's no difference. I
In fact, stimulation has nothing to do with why guysj
dry hump. The only reason guys do it is that they think it
is a precursor for something else. In a guy's minds it is
forepliy, but in a girl's mind, it oftentimes is the play. As
one of my friends put it: "Guys may think they like it
SPEED DATING Attention:
Continued from Page 5
with whom there is mutual interest Excelle
in another date," and that some par- i
ticipants even "have become
engaged and married."
With rising popularity in cities
like New York, Los Angeles and even
Buenos Aires, its is likely, with as
large of a single population as the
University, that it will pique many
students' interests, and the odds are
that there -should be successful
results.
If this operation becomes popular, Day, Evening
not only will there be an alternative' ay, eveng
to the drudgery of party hook-ups and Weekend
and bar room pickup lines, but per- Appointments
haps it may inspire other people and (734) 971-1970
secular organizations to create an (800) 858-4992
entire apparatus devoted to providing STUDENT
forums in which students can find
dating opportunities. DISCOUNTS
Slonim is one of the main organiz- Complete
ers of Hillel's adventure in the Uni- Confidential
versity dating world, along with the Sett
help of its reform rabbi, Shena Potter
and School of Art senior Brooke
Gerber. The first Shabbat Speed Dat-
ing event will be this Friday at
8:00p.m., at 1429 Hill St. It's free of
charge, and participants are advised
to "look sharp"
VIEWPOINT
humping and blue balls
until it stops, and there's nothing else." I'm not saying
either gender is right or wrong; I'm just explaining the
situation. If a girl stops, thinking they have pleased their
man, there's a big problem.
Once again, I can hear my female readers: "Girls 'fin-
ish' on guys a lot more than guys finish on girls." And
that may be true. But there is a fundamental difference in
the reason why girls don't get guys off and guy's don't
get girls off. If a guy doesn't finish on a girl, it is rarely
from a lack of effort. It is just simply because girls are
just much harder to please than guys. On the flip side,
even if girls think guys enjoy dry humping, they know
that it won't get a guy off. So when girls finish a hookup
with a dry hump, it should come as no surprise if they
are labeled a "cock tease."
So what is the solution? First of all, people need to be
honest about their expectations before they hookup. If it
is clear one person doesn't want to go past dry humping
and both parties still want to dry hump, then more
power to them. I think a lot of people feel this open
communication will create an awkward situation. I don't
know about you, but I don't think anything can be more
awkward than having "outer course." Think about it,
isn't the term itself an oxymoron? It really puzzles me
how open some people are with their partners talking
about sex, and yet these same people don't know
whether or not their partner enjoys dry humping.
Maybe before people can feel comfortable talking to
the opposite sex about dry humping, they need to feel
comfortable talking about it in general. Only until I pro-
posed this column idea to my friends did I first start to
grasp how prevalent dry humping is. Fact is, most guys
are embarrassed to bring it up because it isn't anything
to brag about. Think about it: as much as guys talk, have
you ever heard anyone say, "Man, last night was the cra-
ziest dry hump I've ever had"?
I've gone out on a limb here and said what most guys
(and I don't know, maybe even what most girls) are think-
ing. But I understand if people are still hesitant to say or do
anything about it without knowing who agrees with them.
So, maybe we should start out simple. How about making
ribbons and passing them out in the Diag, so we can see
just how many people are against dry humping.
I don't think the color bluish-purple is taken yet.
Weber is a Businessjunior and a member of the Daily sports
staff
Imagining a
here in An
In 1998, the internationally-recog-
nized movement known as V-Day was
born from Eve Ensler's Obie Award-
winning play, "The Vagina Mono-
logues." This weekend, Ensler, recipient
of the Guggenheim Fellowship Award
in Playwriting, will be visiting the Uni-
versity in order to inspire women across
campus to embrace their strengths and.
address the community on the viola-
tions that women regularly endure
throughout the world. The V-Day cam-
paign will commence tomorrow, com-
ing in conjunction with the traditional
Valentine's Day "holiday" (The "V" in
V-Day standing for Victory, Valentine
and Vagina). On Sunday, two student-
run performances of Ensler's play will
conclude this year's campaign.
Ensler first performed "The Vagina
Monologues" in small towns and com-
munities across the nation after hearing
of the firsthand accounts of the emo-
tional and societal consequences of sex-
ual abuse from over 200 women. These
stories of rape, incest and battery moved
Ensler to form V-Day - a creative force
aimed at proactively urging women to
take pride in their sexuality while also
generating a consciousness of the atroci-
ties women face.
In the five years since "The Vagina
Monologues" was first produced, the
play has been translated into 22 lan-
guages. Wrapping up a tour in Mexi-
co City, the monologues will now
come to Ann Arbor - a city noted for
its progressiveness, yet one that
arguably still contains the same trials
for women that any other community
possesses. Hopefully, this year, "The
Vagina Monologues" may allow stu-
dents to fully understand the tribula-
By Neal Pais
Daily Arts Writer
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