2 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, January 31, 2003

MORE SCANDAL


Captain McCluskey, Virgil 'The Turk'
Sollazo get what was coming to them

MINORITY REPORT
ANN ARBOR, place of diversity
It's great to be a minority!

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By David Horn and Seth Klempner
Daily Cosa N6stra Writers
BRONX, NY - Despite wild specu-
lation that Captain McCluskey and Vir-
gil "The Turk" Sollazzo were
assassinated by Corleone family scion
Michael Corleone, it is in fact true that
both men "got was was coming to
them," according to Corleone represen-
tative Tom Hagen.
In Louis' Restaurant in The Bronx,
both McCluskey and Sollazzo met their
gruesome deaths. Sicilian immigrant
Sollazzo was known to be "mixed up in
drugs," and McCluskey, according to

CUURITY OFT IHE URLEUNE FAMILY
Virgil Sollazzo (right) shakes hands with Vito "Don" Corleone after making him an
offer that could not be refused. The offer? Refused.


Don't Spend
Spring Brefik Broke.

Hagen, was a "crooked cop who got
mixed up in the rackets and got what
was coming to him."
Sollazzo was known to be seeking
protection for his illegal drug racket, and
had sought that service from the well-
established Corleone family.Vito "Don"
Corleone was unavailable for comment,
but his son, Santino, told the Daily that
in a meeting between the Don and Sol-
lazzo, the elder Corleone was heard to
remark,
"It's true, I have a lot of friends in pol-
itics, but they wouldn't be friendly very
long if they knew my business was
drugs instead of gambling, which they
rule that as a - harmless vice. But
drugs ... is a dirty business."
Indeed, drugs are a dirty business,
but Sollazzo was able to find protection
with the Tattaglia family - rivals of the
Corleones.
Santino also told the Daily that in the
arrangement that Sollazzo was seeking
with the Corleones, "The Turk" said,
"I need a man who has powerful
friends. I need a million dollars in cash.
I need, Don Corleone, those politicians
that you carry in your pocket, like so
many nickels and dimes."
The Daily surmises that the arrange-
ment with the dirty Tattaglia was simi-
larly illegal. Obviously the Corleone
family could never involve itself in such
affairs, but the Tattaglias were more than
willing.
In a slightly related note, Daily boy-
cotters accused the Daily of being "Cor-
leone family propaganda."
"The Daily is merely printing a
story because they are tied up with
the Corleones," a boycotter
spokesperson said in a statement,
released yesterday. "We have surveil-
lance tapes of the Corleone family
compound in which Michael Cor-
leone is heard to have remarked,
'That's a terrific story. And we have
newspaper people on the payroll,
don't we Tom?' We allege that the
Daily Is those newspaper people.
"Also, for the record, the Daily and its
112-year tradition is about 60 years late
breaking this story."
The Daily would like to say that it is
in no way in bed with organized crime,
and that we wish Michael safe travels
in Sicily. Sollazzo, meanwhile, can rot
in hell.
NOT AGAIN
Continued from Page 1.
that we were forced to resort to this dras-
tic measure."
Schwartz and about 20 other seniors
pledged not to write for or edit The
Michigan Daily until their demands are
realized or until they graduate, whichev-
er comes first. But Louie Meizlish, who
is poised to take over Schwartz' position,
called SABD?!?!?!?!'s claims "utterly
baseless."
"We have striven to publish all stories
that have relevance to the University's
student body," Meizlish said. "Besides,
Schwartz has been in charge of the
newspaper for an entire year. He had the
power to change the content of the paper
anytime he wanted."
Meizlish said the defection of most of
its senior class will have a negligible
affect on the overall quality of the news-
paper.
Meanwhile, United Students Against
Activism converged on the Student Pub-
lications Building to stage a counter
protest. "Student activism on this cam-
pus has reached a new level of absurdi-
ty," USA President Luke Dickerson said.
"Our group appeals to the vast numbers
of apathetic students. Our mission is to
wipe out nonsensical activist tendencies
in the student body."
PEEP THIS
Continued from Page 1
stopping them and asking them if they
are the peeping Tom.

"Yeah, this officer just walks up to
me, grabs my arm, and is like, 'were
you peeping through the windows over
at Delta Delta Delta,"' said one anony-
mous white male. "I was just like,
'when?' and he was like, 'earlier
tonight,' and I was like, 'oh, nope, not
me. I was there last week,' and he was
like, 'oh."'
In other news, DPS officers appre-
hended an Asian female late last night
for armed robbery.
"Well, there's a first time for every-
thing," Sgt. Joe said.
OLD MAN TITS
Continued from Page 1
American flag on his record? That is
totally tits! But not children tits, that's
disgusting. Or old man tits, that is also
disgusting, though not as disgusting as
kiddie tits. More like, firm 30-year-old
woman tits."
Additionally, Springsteen, for the
first time his industriously wasteful
career has shown interest in taking a
Santana-approach - the Boss plans to
call on some of the biggest talent in

For token chicas Elizabeth Kassab
and Jacquelyn Nixon, four years at the
University may never have been possi-
ble had it not been for affirmative
action. Nevermind GPAs, AP and SAT
scores, difficulty of course selection in
high school, numerous after-school
activities and'varsity letters.
"Thank goodness I'm not a regular
black person or I might never have got-
ten anywhere in life," Nixon said.
Kassab, who is Japanese, Lebanese
and Polish, agreed. She said it would
have been nearly impossible for her to
become a member of The Michigan
Daily had it not been for their newly-
installed quota system and mission
statement.
Kassab said, "Now there are a few of
us they can point to and refer to as
minorities when someone accuses the
Daily of being racist. I really wanted to
be a journalist, so I'm glad the doors
were finally opened for a token like me."
Nixon said becoming an editor at
the Daily was the decision of former
editors who wanted to see more minor-
ity students in higher positions.
She said it was these people that
made sure the work environment was
comfortable and inclusive, because she
never knew what that felt like before.
"I know they probably looked at me,
saw my skin was not really so black,
more of a light brown/honey shade, and
thought 'let's help out that poor black
girl cause she's not that threatening."'
- The Daily does not discriminate.

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WOODY/Big Booty Hoes
Daily token minorities/editors
Jacquelyn Nixon and Elizabeth
Kassab perform the traditional
minority song and dance.
And ifyou think we are anyone's
tokens, you're a whore.


All across the U.S.
Latino students push
for recognition
Often grouped into the general cate-
gory of Hispanic, Latino students
nationwide have banned together in
their fight for recognition.
"For some reasons, the media and the
public insist on calling all of us Hispan-
ic. Well, we're not. Just because we are
Latino does not mean we are Hispanic
- it means we are Latino. Call us
Dominican, Jamaican, Puerto Rican,
Cuban, whatever, but Hispanic is just
too broad. We are individuals," said
Jose Rodriguez, a student at the Univer-
sity for Ethnic Integrity By All Means
Necessary.
Rodriguez, a member of Students
Fighting to be Special, said he and his
classmates are faced by a fight like that
of no other culture.
"Our ancestors span so many coun-
tries, and nobody else can say that."
Anywhere, USA
Indian students tired
of dancing, shows
Despite the publicity and increase in
campus awareness, members of Indian
student groups across the country
announced yesterday that they are tired
of cultural and dance shows.
"Look at the calender of events. They
are all dances, and between the
rehearsals, the costumes and the make-up
required each weekend, we just can't
handle it anymore," said one University

of Michigan student who wished to
remain nameless. But local performance
venues are concerned that the cancella-
tion will cause massive scheduling prob-
lems. "We make millions of dollars a
year from the Indian student groups.
Their performances draw so many spec-
tators, artists and photographers - that
sort of publicity is irreplaceable," said
John Small, manager at The Main The-
atre in Troy." To help make up for the
profit loss, Small said the theatre may
have to recruit other types of groups,
including local punk and folk bands that
represent more mainstream culture.
- Compiledfrom Daily hate mail.
lAM NOTLEGAL
Continued from Page 1
suffocating," said Mary-Kate. "We've
just never really gotten a chance to
find ourselves, that's what college is
for, right? That, and the hardcore
fucking."
"That, a guy with a monster cock,"
laughed Ashley. Mary-Kate is planning
on applying to the University's top-tier
business school, while Ashley plans to
major in Film and Video.
"I'd like to have my own studio
someday," said Ashley.
Naturally, the news of the forthcom-
ing twins to campus has set off quite an
uproar on campus. For the first time,
students and local construction workers
are taking lunch breaks together. Bubba
Topesky, foreman of the Angel Hall
renovation project is concerned his
workers won't be able to concentrate
with such high profile celebrities on
campus.

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:

Berko finally admits to
nasty ftlng wit/h reporter

c

Two Daily news reporters talk about
their voodoo fantasies over AIM.
daberk783: hey how is it over
there? get this,
I'm buying a.
voodoo doll}
Atlantis8l::
sweet I think I
should get a>
voodoo doll too
daberk783:
I know this thing
is going to be so
cool. It cost me 5
bucks off eBay Berko wishes
Atlantis8l: what do you do with
one of those
daberk783: if someone pisses you
off, you stick a pin in the doll and put a

curse on the person
daberk783: I could use it for several
people
Atlantis8l: wow, who do you think
you'll use it for first
daberk783: well, if I had gotten this
thing a few months ago, it would have
been Hoffman. Now maybe one of the
guys in my house, or my Spanish Prof.
Atlantis8l: that's not nice, who else
daberk783: other randoms, maybe
my sister. I don't actually expect it to
work, it's just the idea
Atlantis8l: well, as long as it's not
for me.
daberk783: no not you. I have other
ways of dealing with you.
Atlantis8l: oooh tempt me. I have
some nasty pics I could send you.

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D


The Michigan Daily (fogelj is so cool) is published Monday through Friday during the fall and winter terms by
students at the University of Michigan. One copy is available free of charge to all readers. Additional copies
may be picked up at the Daily's office for $2. Subscriptions for fall term, starting in September, via U.S. mail
are $105. Winter term (thank you Matty) is $110, yearlong (September through April) is $190. University affili-
ates are subject to a reduced subscription rate. On-campus subscriptions for fall term are $35. Subscriptions
must be prepaid. The Michigan Daily is a member of The Associated Press and The Associated Collegiate
Press. ADDRESS: The Michigan Daily, 420 Maynard St., Ann Arbor, Michigan 48109-1327.
PHONE NUMBERS (All area code 734): News 76-DAILY and Becky may pick up cause she likes to visit the
Daily and she's Schwartz's secretary. Circulation 764-0558; Classified advertising 764-0557; Display adver-
tising 764-055. Letters to the editor won't get responses, but letters@michigandaily.com if you want.
EDITORIAL STAFF Jon Schwartz, Editor in Chief
NEWS Lisa Koivu, Managing Editor
EDITORS: Usa Hoffman, Elizabeth Kassab, Jacquelyn Nixon, Shannon Pettypiece
STAFF: Maria Sprow
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