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Jeopardy
02025 The Michigan Daily
Ann Arbor, Michigan

One-hundred-twelve years ofeditorialfreedom

TODY:
It's pretty cold
outside. So leave
on all your
clothes. The sun
will come up in
the morning.

Tomorrow-
01.30

Vol. CXIII, No. 69

www.michigandaily. corn


President
declares
war on
Oklahoma
Argentina
and Africa
By Minnie Cox
For the Daily
In a whirling set of events early
this morning, President Bush
declared war on Japan, Argentina,
France, most of Africa and Okla-
homa. This follows declarations of
war last week on Spain, Portugal
and the Upper Peninsula.
"UPers" are fleeing to Canada.
Bush said it is very likely that
Canada will be the Unites States'
next target for the war on terror.
"Make no mistake about it. There's
never a day when I do not give an
order in this global war against a
scattered network of killers."
Following Bush's bombing of the
Upper Peninsula, University stu-
dents and members of WAWA?
bombed the LSA building in
protest.
"We're all about eliminating vio-
lence in the world," LSA junior
Patty Peace said.
In a press conference following
the announcement of bombings
across the nation, Bush said the
United States stands firm on its pol-
icy.
"We'll let our friends be the
peacekeepers and the great country
called America will be the pace-
makers."
The war goes on, and we are win-
ning, Bush said. "It's all about
strategery." He could not answer
questions about what aspect of the
war that the U.S. is actually win-
ning.
Dumbass
Dab erk783
falls asleep
from weed
By slettypl
Daily Staff Reporter
Being a pot smoking, frat boy isn't
easy. Bellow is a tell-tale account of
these brothers defeats and victories.
Kingbo333: haha. where u man?
i'm cleaing all the beer cans and shit
daberk783: i'm sorry man
Kingbo333: this room is a mess ha.
lot of happy freshmen though
Kingbo333: u know where i jsut was?
daberk783: yea i know tell me
about it
Kingbo333: I was with anne and
cara studying and i talked to cara
about u for like 5 minutes and she
said to me this:
Kingbo333: He seems like a real-
ly cool guy. U can tell he's smart
he's got that intellectual feel. I

think he's cute too and it's great that
he loves to smoke cause u nkow dan
i love to smoke but I feel like every
time i get together with him and we
smoke he passes out. If he liked me
then he'd want to talk to me when
we're together
daberk783: you're kidding me.
did you tell her that it's nothign per-
sonal, and i'm just narcleptic?
Kingbo333: I told her: I know
what u mean, sometimes when he
smokes he just paasses out but he's
starting to realize that and he's been
much better. Now he's jsut chill
daberk783: maybe i'll give her a
call sometime, go on a date
Kingbo333: definitely should.
daberk783:How come everytime
there's a dead body in Ann Arbor, I
have to write about it.
Kingbo333: oh.... that was some-
thign i brought up bout u about how
u write all the thigns for the daily
S and then she said "I know! I notice
all the thigns he writes. he's in there
like every day."


DAILY BOYCOTTS

DAILY
Senirrs Allied
or a Better
Daily ?ffff?
rotest all
Daily raasm
By Rachel Green
Daily News Defector

GEOFFREY HERVITZ/Daily '
Michigan Daily seniors protested the Daily's mistreatment of seniors yesterday afternoon outside
the Student Publications Building. Wearing anti-anti Daily T-shirts and dancing around a flaming
stack of newspapers, the seniors chanted "Fuck the Daily" and demanded better pay and less
time spent dealing with complainers. The seniors were unconcerned with the possibility of the
flaming papers setting the building on fire. As one said, "The building already looks like a bomb
has been dropped on it. It needs a renovation anyway. Burn baby, burn!" AAPD Sgt. Mike Logghe
declined to comment on the protest, but was later overheard talking about the flaming papers as a'
possible form of insurance fraud.
Former EIC arrested for destruct

Declaring that the student newspaper no longer represents
their views, a group of senior Michigan Daily staffers
announced their intention yesterday to divest all intellectual
stock from the 112-year-old publication.
"This newspaper is a travesty," Daily Editor in Chief Jon
Schwartz exclaimed, to the rabid cries of a crowd of angry sen-
iors outside the Student Publications Building. "For too long it
p .has made a mockery of the true issues facing college seniors.
We submitted our resignations this afternoon to protest the lack
/ of coverage relevant to our interests."
The group, adopting the name Seniors Allied for a Better
Daily?!?!?!?!, put forth a list of demands. SABD?!?!?!?!
expressed disgust at the moniker "LSA senior," contending that
the title does not adequately represent the trials and tribulations
of three years of rigorous academic study The group called for
a title more representative of the senior class' cumulative wis-
dom.
k "This decision did not come easily to us," Schwartz said. "It
was only after long, painful hours of deliberation and frustrat-
ingly fruitless meetings with the lower classes of the newspaper
See NOT AGAIN, Page 2
ion o ro ert
er out the window. It killed a squirrel.
Officers arrested him for open intoxication,
miscellaneous destruction of property and first-
degree squirrel murder.
"It was intentional," AAPD Caption Joe Pier-
sonte said. "He aimed at that poor squirrel and
laughed his ass off."
If found guilty, Schwartz, who has previously
been convicted of both counts, could receive up
to 15 years in prison.
Records show that in December 2000,
Schwartz was arrested for "whipping it out" in
front of several women standing outside East
Quad Residence Hall. He received a $500 fine
and probation for that incident. He was also
arrested for spray painting a University build- +
ing in Sept. 1999 during fraternity rush. Photo courtesy of AAPD mugshotographer

By Maria Sprwow
Daily CrimeReporter

Former Daily Editor in Chief Jon Schwartz was
arrested early last night for allegedly burning the
publication that he once helped lead.
Schwartz was just one of many members of
Seniors Allied for a Better Daily?!?!?!?! who were
seen burning newspapers and causing a ruckus out-
side the Student Publication Building last night.
The group, led by Schwartz, took over the building
shortly after 4 p.m., demanding better treatment of
seniors, including a yearly report on the treatment
and discrimination of Daily seniors both inside the
building and in the paper.
Officers from the Ann Arbor Police Depart-
ment found Schwartz burning papers at approx-

imately 6:30 p.m. last night. According to
police reports, Schwartz was drunkenly
screaming "Fuck the Daily!" while holding a
burning paper, which he then through to the
ground. Schwartz then began dancing haphaz-
ardly around the papers.
AAPD reports state that when officers walked up
to him and demanded to know what the hell he was
doing, Schwartz yelled obsceneties at them.
"It's my paper! I can burn it if I wantto!"
Schwartz reportedly told officers.
AAPD Caption Joe Piersonte said Schwartz then
ran into the building, with his hands above his head
screaming "whooooo! !". The next thing Piersonte
remembers was seeing Schwartz standing in a
Michigan Daily window holding a printer over his
head. Piersonte said Schwartz then threw the print-


Peeping
By Jeremy W. Melzlish
Daily Staff Gopher
Females around campus have joined
forces in a search for a peeping tom,
described by several victims as being
"&#$^#* hot," who was sighted sever-
al times yesterday.
Victims said that instead of wanting
him behind bars, they want him in bed.
"He can come to my place anytime,"
one victim said.
The man, described in DPS reports
as "a possible white male, five-foot-
eight to six-foot-three with either
brown or blonde hair," was last seen
outside the Delta Delta Delta sorority
house. He also had been seen in an
East Quad women's restroom, the Cen-
tral Campus Recreation Building and
wandering the halls of South Quad
Residence Hall.
"We didn't really have a good
description. It made him kind of hard
to find," said DPS Sgt. Joe, who
declined to give his last name. "We

Tom seen at CCRB
were a little surprised the guy was
reportedly white. It's an unusual case."
Several of the victims said they
were at first shocked to see some-
one starring at them while they took
showers with the curtains open and
walked around their bedrooms with
the shades up.
"I'm just doin' my thang, you know,
walkin' around, just me and myself,:
and all of a sudden I look at my win-
dow, and there's, like, this, like, DUDE
just starring at me. I screamed," said
one woman who wished to remain
anonymous. "That's when I realized
how @#^&$* hot he was. I tried to run
after him, but he was, like, too fast...
what an athlete."
The girl said she yelled at him to
wait, but the pervert apparently did not
hear her. She called DPS, hoping offi-
cers would be able to track him down
for her, she said. ai
White males around campus said Hidden CCRB cameras caught the Peeping Tom Wednesday. One of
DPS officers have been repeatedly the exercisers said, "Damn, If I knew he was there, I would have
See PEEP THIS, Page 2 shown him some private moves. I hope he liked my spandex."

Matthew Ross/Daily
Their Olsen, but they can't drink Molsen. If they hooked up
with Al Jolsen was it wouldn't be holsum.
Olsen twins set
to take over
By TJ Mackey
Daily Pedophile
In exactly 498 days, the girls America watched learn to
crawl on "Full House" will be street legal and ready to ride.
Before then, the two girls who played the Tanner family
baby will be crawling on all fours at frat-houses throughout
Ann Arbor. Yes, the forces that made Michelle Elizabeth
Tanner on "Full House" are coming to the University of
Michigan.
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen personally confirmed their
matriculation for the Fall semester to the University. "We're
really looking forward to joining such a diverse student
body," said Mary-Kate with a giggle.
"All of the time we've spent in Hollywood has been really
See IAMNOTLEGAL, Page 2

Bruce uses terrorsm as inspiration

By Scoot Dickface
Daily Arts Curmudgeon
The rising threat of terrorism has inspired
legendary blue-collar crapmaster Bruce
Springsteen to stall his tour and begin work-
ing on his next album. The singer/songwriter
indicated his intentions were to "dig deep into
the heart of tragedy and see what emotions we
can dredge up."
For the album, tentatively titled, The Lynch-
ing, the Boss has hinted at journeying to

Hiroshima and Nagasaki to talk to survivors
of the two bombs dropped by the United
States back when we were at war with Japan.
Sometime around the 1960s, I think.
The Boss has been looking at lots of pic-
tures of dead people, primarily on his comput-
er, but also through the complete back catalog
of the "Faces of Death" series (available now
on DVD!) to set his heart in the emotional
state required to pen such tunes like "It's Sept.
11 all over again," and "When the nukes
blew." In conjunction with Pete Townshend's

addiction to kiddie porn (not a laughing mat-
ter; young children having sex is still disgust-
ing despite what Diopolis says), Bruce
Springsteen is putting a series of bonus tracks
at the end of his album dedicated to those
with child-porno-lovers' disease.
The head of PETA (People Against Child
Molesting) Sandi Lewson was thrilled when
she heard of the Boss' plans. "Bruce Spring-
steen is doing what!" Lewson exclaimed. "Is
he the guy with the ass and the jeans and the
See OLD MAN TITS, Page 2


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