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4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, January 23, 2003
JOSEPH LITMAN - POPPING KNOWLEDGE
The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thi
ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITIC
LEAVE YOUR HUSBAND AT HOME DAY
ANDY TAYLOR-FABE - THE EPHI SETIN
AMERICA'S 104g AFFAIR WITH CANADA
Skipping a few necessary steps,
I have already envisioned how
I hope to raise my children.
Yes, I have no girlfriend, no
immediate spousal prospect and
thus no immediate mother-of-my-
children prospect, yet I still know
what I want to do when someone
decides that I'm not only good
enough for a second date, but for a
I would like to be a stay-at-home
dad. So that I am not mistaken as
one without ambition or drive,
please know that I would not stay at
home for life, but certainly for a few
years before my kids went to school.
I couldn't do it full time, because
I would like to have a career and
would want, if nothing else, to have
two incomes supporting my family.
However, while my children were
too young for preschool, nothing
would make me happier than to
hang out with them all day.
Of course, there is more entailed
in staying at home than watching
cartoons and eating Gerber. I recog-
nize that there will 'be tantrums,
fights, crying, insubordination and
However, I spent three years
counseling nine-and ten-year-olds at
summer camp, so I have some expe-
rience with kids and am undeterred
by the prospect of cleaning up an
entire meal thrown onto the floor in
a moment of infant humor.
Additionally, I would enjoy the
housework. As those with whom I
have lived over the years can attest, I
try to keep a clean home. Plus, I adore
doing laundry, am an expert clothing
folder (references from the Gap avail-
able on demand) and already pay the
bills in my apartment.
Really, I only need to expand the
roster of meals that I am capable of
preparing and I will be all set. My wife
would come home to a clean home and
wholesome meal every night.
"Martha Stewart ain't got shit on
me!" as Alonzo from "Training
Day" might say.
The days that I spent at home with
my children would be straight ban-
gin'. Typically, we'd get up, play
with our toys, read the newspaper,
read some books, go for walks, head
over to the museum, peep the latest
rap videos, take naps, run errands
and, of course, spend time watching
"SportsCenter" and basketball.
On our good days, my kids and I
would do all this while wearing
coordinated headbands, jumpsuits
Other times, we would perhaps
dress for our outings as sophisti-
cates, rocking our formal wear and
commanding respect as a result.
(Quick sidebar: Never underesti-
mate how significantly one can
influence the opinions of others
simply by dressing up. Be it at the
airport or the supermarket, the gen-
tleman is always treated with class.)
While some of these particulars
may vary, one can certainly ascertain
the general routine that the children of
Chez Litman and I will be following.
Aside from reinforcing the impor-
tance of good manners and other
basics, there won't be too many
rules, either. I turned out fine stay-
ing up late, watching a lot of
"Voltron" and eating a healthy
amount of Oreos.
The little Litmans must simply be
open-minded and adopt the Knicks and
Michigan as their teams for life. After
that, I will be accepting suggestions.
Complicating this vision for the
future, though, is that few people,
let alone women, are socialized to
accept the aforementioned plan as
an appropriate schematic for a
While ideas concerning gender
equity pervade our culture, and
rightfully so, it seems that the
notion of male domesticity has not
yet achieved the commensurate
palatability of other practices that
challenge the traditional gender sta-
In fact, I know few males who
harbor similar aspirations and seem-
ingly too many females who -
despite the advanced degrees that
they will receive - still feel obli-
gated to make time to raise a family.
Ironically, while trying to ensure
to women equal rights and access to
opportunities, this nation partially
forgot about men.
I absolutely recognize that we are
still an advantaged social group, so I
implore readers to stop entertaining
notions that I am advocating special
treatment for men or marginalizing
the very real obstacles that women
still exclusively encounter.
However, if fair is fair, then there
are some glaring inconsistencies.
For instance, male sports writers
can't go into women's locker rooms,
yet female reporters can enter the
men's; women have traditionally not
been drafted for military service
while men have; an abominable,
money-losing farce (the WNBA)
has continued to hemorrhage the
NBA's money for six seasons while
an analogously terrible idea (the
XFL) was canned after one season
in the red.
(Please note: If women want to
play professional basketball, so be
it. I support that right. Yet, simply
taken as a business venture, the
WNBA has not made cents, er,
sense. And then there is the problem
that the below-the-rim, low-scoring,
mechanical product being sold just
stinks. A friend of mine who played
high school ball abhors the summer
league and she won't watch it, so my
feelings are not merely male, misog-
There are, of course, reasons for
the circumstances just cited.
Perhaps if females were not con-
sistently glorified by men as sex
objects, it would not cause a stir for
a man to enter a locker room full of
Also, were women not traditional-
ly pigeonholed into the homemaker
niche, maybe their participation in
national defense would be more
readily accepted. And female entree
into professional basketball needs
some primary experiment.
(But come on! Have you seen this
Yet none of these reasons, though
regrettable, justifies the inequality
that such conditions perpetuate.
Instead, our society's commitment
to equity should be a wholehearted
one. Yes, rules should still exist, but
apply them fairly.
If women don't want men in their
locker rooms, than don't come into
ours. And if women want to work -
as I am expected to do for my entire
adult life - then let me stay at
home and raise the kids.
If nothing else, could we please
just cancel Sparks versus Comets?
- Joseph Litman can be reached at
Please 4get U heard this album.
1. Come Away with Me,
Norah Jones - We will be
going nowhere with you.
2. This is Me ... Then,
Jennifer Lopez - We used to
have a little respect for
her/now we have none.
3. Let Go, Avril Lavigne -
Sweet. Keep selling your album
for $7 and you'll be on the chart
4. Home, Dixie Chicks - Home
is where the crappy record is.
5. 8 Mile, Soundtrack - Why
would Eminem come to the crap-
piest, dankest bar in Ann Arbor?
6. Justified, Justin Timberlake
- He's going to be crying us a
river when we kick him in the
shins and run away.
7. Up!, Shania Twain - The
bile in our throats is going Up!
8. Under Construction,
Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliot
- Is publicly urinating on
Billboard top 10 albums consid-
ered a misdemeanor?
9. I Care 4 U, Aaliyah - There's
something very Georgia O'Keefe-
ish about that album cover.
10. Stripped, Christina Aguilera
- Can TVs get venereal diseases?
Because we think ours has a few
after "Dirrty" appeared on it.
he alternate title that I briefly considered for this col-
umn was "Canuck ... more like Ca-suck!" Howeverl
quickly decided against that delicious bit of wordplay
on the grounds that it was both childish and counterproductive,
for the point oftlis column is not to add to the already raging
inferno of anti-Canadian sentiment that burns in the hearts and
minds of so many Americans. Instead, I want to figure out
what inspires this rabid xenophobia.
First of all, if you have any doubts about the extent ofthe
Canada-bashing that goes on in this country, I suggest you
check out the web. There are many sites solely dedicated to
the discussion of how much Canada sucks, most of which
are dominated by the rantings of people who would have to
study hard and apply themselves to become ignorant asses.
The creators of these sites use pet names for Canadians that
range from the standard "Canuck" to the less erudite
"Snowbacks" or "dirty whores," and it is difficult to surf
these pages without encountering astute observations like,
"They have too many Eskimos."-
If you go to mail.canadasucks.com (I swear I am not
making this up), you can set up an email account bearng
the name of the site, e.g. redbloodedamerican@canada-
sucks.com. And while wwwcanadasucks.cor does not
actually have anything to do with Canada or sucking (I
know many of you were keeping your fingers crossed for a
porno site featuring girls who say "aboot"), it is interesting
to note that the owners of this completely random site chose
to use a declaration of hatred for Canada as a slogan.
Right now, many of you open-minded types are probably
reassuring yourselves, "Well, I'm sure that all of those red-
necks out in the middle of nowhere irrationally hate Canada,
but I'm in Ann Arbor, a college town and one of the most lib-
eral cities in existence. I'm sure people are more reasonable
here." I think you'd be surprised to see what the local feel-
ings are. Want to test it out?
Try this little experiment this weekend: Go outside at about
1:45 a.m. Friday night when everyone is stumbling home
from bars or house parties, wait until you see a gaggle of
leatherjacket-and-Structure-clad frat boys walking down the
street and yell "CANADA SUCKS!" at the top of your lungs.
You have just become an instant hero. You will be
answered with calls of "YEAAAHH" and "CANADA
DOES SUCK," or if one of them has consumed too many
Red Bull' and vodkas and is feeling particularly witty,
"CANADA SUCKS ASS!" The level of camaraderie that
can be gleaned from these two little words is astounding.
So now that we have established that there is, in fact, rag-
ing anti-Canadianism even in this bastion of liberal thought,
we must try to figure out exactly why so nmanyAmeuicans pri-
vately and publicly curse our neighbors to the north. After all,
this is the country that produced talents like NeilYoung, Mike
lyers and Jim Carrey. (OK, OK, they also produced Celine
Dion and BryanAdams, but let's not start slingingxmud.)
The best explanation that I can come up with is that
Americans think of Canada the same way that a kid thinks
of his annoying,, disapproving elder brother, who slowly
shakes his head at the younger brother's antics and quietly
judges him. While the mild-mannered and well-behaved
olderbrother earns the praise of the parents for his conduct
and good manners, the younger sibling is constantly messng
up his room, getting in trouble with teachers and picking
fights and brawling with other kids4 By the same token,
while America ravages its environment, pisses off the inter-
national community and threatens to start wars, Canada sits
there looking innocent while the UN scolds us:
"You don't see Canada backing out of environmental
treaties because they want to keep driving SUVs, do you?
You don't see Canada selling weapons to other countries and
then turning around and getting mad when the country still
has them a few years later, do you? You don't see Canada
getting caught smoking dope with its friends while its sup-
posed to be in school, do you?" They're too nice and too
courteous and too concerned about their own citizens' health
care, and it just pisses the younger brother off.
(Note: Although many would argue a more apt analogy
would be that Canada, a.ka. America Jr., is the younger
brother since they are seen as imitators, the superior attitude
taken by Canadians is older brother territory.)
But before you go thinking that all Canadians are nice,
you should know that there are actually many Canadian anti-
US. sites that take equally malevolent and asinine cheap-
shots at the U.S. and explain why it is, in fact, Americans, not
Canadians, who are the "ball-lickers." (See the aforemen-
tioned Internet sites.)
I would have gone to those Canadian sites to research this
topic, but I was nervous about being tracked by our slightly
overzealous gover ... (sound of struggle) BENEVOLENT
GOVERNMENT THAT HAS ONLY OUR NATIONAL
SECURITY IN MIND. SADDAM IS A MENACE AND
MUST BE STOPPED. TERROR SUCKS. THANK YOU.
(More sounds of struggle. Anyway, the overall point is we
actually have a lot in common with Canada. Both countries
have a lot of jerks.
-Andy Taylor-Fabe can be reached
""" ±"'" There are things you, and
J others who care about your
friend, can do to help.
Each time you try, you move
her a little closer to believing
Make a resolution to be a
good friend this year.
For confidential advice and
suggestions of what to say,
contact Counseling &
(734) 764-8312or University
Health Service (734) 763-1320.
MY T H Want information? Contact UHS at (734).763-1320
of the orwwwxuhsAumich.edu.
MONTH Want assistance? Contact SAPAC at
(734)936-3333 (24hour hotlne),
(7$4J f 934, $'x business line,
G, : t(734) 784-8312
or ww &dtn#eh-eduttapa4
c 075 CALL>4B
28 Taps! Full Menu!
HONGg M RpR N
30MAYNARD -995.0i00 (21 & OVER WITH PROPER ID)
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WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
OLD GUY SUES 'AMERICAN IDOL'
- Drew Cummings, a lecturer at
Miami-Dade Community College, is
suing the producers of "American
Idol" for age discrimination.
The' Internet Movie Database
reported that Cummings, who is 50
years old, was turned away from
auditions because the rules of the
contest require that all contestants
be between 16 and 24 years old.
Frederick Kramer, Cummings'
lawyer, said, "Mr. Cummings was
summarily denied the right to com-
pete and he was discriminated
against solely because of his age,
not his ability as a singer."
Under federal law and many state
laws, businesses that use age as a
factor for employment must show
that they do not have discriminato-
'HARRY POTTER' BOOK ALREADY
TOP SELLER ONLINE - J.K.
Rowling's fifth Harry Potter novel,
which will not be available until
June 21, is number one on the
Amazon.com pre-order list.
"Harry Potter and the Order of the
Phoenix" is by far the longest of the
series. Clocking in at 255,000
words, the book is one-third longer
than "Harry Potter and the Goblet of
Fire." However, the book will have a
similar number of pages, because
the size of the print will be reduced
to make the book a manageable size.
R. KELLY ARRESTED ON CHILD
PORN CHARGES, AGAIN - CNN
reported that the singer, whose real
name is Robert Sylvester Kelly, was
arrested Wednesday in Miami on 12
counts of possession of child
pornography. During a search last
June, police found images of Kelly
engaged in sexual activity with a
female under the age of 18.
Kelly also faces 21 counts of pos-
session of child pornography in
Chicago and is currently awaiting
trial. The charges are based on a
videotape that police claim shows
Kelly engaging in sexual activity
with a 13-year-old girl. Kelly has
also been the target of three lawsuits
that claim that he had sex with
underage girls. Two of them have
BOBBY BROWN HOSPTIALIZED
DURING STAY IN JAIL - The singer,
who was sentenced to eight days in
jail for a drunk driving conviction,
was hospitalized for unknown rea-
THE O.J. ALL STAR
OF THE WEEK
The controversial rapper drove his
fleet of SUVs all the way from D-
town to Ann Arbor to appear in a bar
for 15 minutes, 10 of which were
taken up by his incessant shit-talking
about Ray "Benzino" Scott. Obie
Trice, who also appeared, gets co-O.J.
status this week for his drunken,
obscene rantings and inability to fin-
ish a verse, let alone a song.
.' 4 - * - C