0 Vr --- ---- _- _._ r 10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magaine - Thursday, April 4, 2002 Black delights in 'Demolition Man' The Michigan Daily - Weekend Maga BEN GOLDSTEIN SI10K! IT'S A SICK!, SICK!, SICK!, SICK! FAREWELL TO THE FICTIONAL UNIVERSE IN WHI By Jeff Dickerson Daily Arts Editor "I'm sorry to say that the world has turned into a pussy-whipped, Brady Bunch version of itself run by a bunch of robed sissies." - Simon Phoenix The year is 2032. Arnold Schwarzenegger is President of the United States (somehow) and Taco Bell has taken over the fast food industry and become fine dining. Guns are ancient weapons, replaced with glow sticks, and the police have eradicated fatalities, or as they refer to them, "murder death kills." Sex is a no-contact sport, and fluid transfers are out of the question. This is the sad, sad world of "Demo- lition Man." The 1993 futuristic action flick starring a post-"Rocky" Sylvester Stallone, a pre-"Blade" Wesley Snipes and a pre-"Speed" Sandra Bullock found its way into theaters amid heavy promo- tional tie-ins and advertis- ing. It's a har- rowing tale of revenge, cryo- genics and bad one-liners. Movie goers were wooed by the then state-of-the-art special effects and the promise of a half- naked Stallone, and the film earned a strong $60 million at the box office. John Spartan (Stallone) is an elite cop whose arch nemesis, Simon Phoenix (Snipes), serves as the bane of his existence. After a mishap involving the death of dozens of innocent people in a burning building, Spartan is frozen in a cryogenic prison t1 t along with Phoenix. Years later, it's Parole time for Phoenix. Scientists unfreeze the former serial killer and let him on the streets. Smart. As one might predict, Phoenix continues killing people and Spartan must be brought back to stop him, because the modern police force is not fit to handle violence. Upon his dramatic return, Spartan spouts, "Send a maniac to catch a maniac." Phoenix's name is used for several not-so-clever lines including, "Simon says die" and "Simon says bleed." That is great screenwriting. "Demolition Man" is filled to the brim with bad dialogue, bad jokes and bad physical humor. Sandra Bullock's character Lenina Huxley (a reference to the classic novel "Brave New World") is primarily used as a source of humor with her butchery of '90s lingo. While the main stars of the film are disappointing, the only joy in "Demolition Man" comes from the talented supporting cast. Comedian Dennis Leary play Edgar Friendly, a rebel who sounds remarkably simi- lar to Leary doing stand up. Former MTV stud Dan Cortese has a brief but memorable role as the lounge singer type performer at Taco Bell. A pre-Julia Roberts Benjamin Bratt plays a naive police officer named Alfredo Garcia, a role that would be the training ground for his perform- ance in Steven Soderbergh's 2000 film "Traffic." The real star of "Demolition Man" is Jack Black, who brilliantly fills the role of Wasteland Scrap #2. While his screen time is minimal, his presence is overpowering. His performance is subtle, but well cal- culated. It may take heavy use of the pause button to even see Black on screen, but those few frames are the highlight of the film. Maybe the problems with the film can be attributed to the casting. Lori Petty was originally slated to be Lenina Huxley, but she backed out a few days into the shoot to focus on other efforts. Stallone pressed pro- ducers to get martial arts legend Jackie Chan to play the role of Simon Phoenix, but Chan turned down the role because of his refusal to play villains. Compared to other early '90s action flicks, "Demolition Man" doesn't hold up as well as "Passenger 57" or "Judge Dredd." Bad dialogue, over the top I i ' Al gtR Enjoy a night of percussion, electronics, and & improvisation on Saturday April 6 featuring: Gould/Laman/Peck 0 and Chenaux/Wallace Show starts at 8 p.m. Admission is $5, $3 for students, with proceeds benefiting the Ann Arbor Hunger Coalition Sunday evening Jazz Mass at 5 p.m. Alternative worship featuring live music by Stephen Rush and Quartex I acting and sets that look like rejects from "Timecop" make the film fall flat, aside from the remarkable act- ing job courtesy of Jack Black. For Stallone fans looking for a more entertaining film, seek "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot" or "Rocky V" Man" is unworthy of repeated S viewings, except for the Sp hypnotic per- formance t was April. Our last month as stu- dents at the University of Michigan. Feeling a bit sentimental, the three of us (myself, my twin brother Reuben and Danny the East Quad comedian) decided to have a little adventure. "But what kind of adventure?" Reuben and I asked simultaneously, as we have a habit of doing. "Photo scavenger hunt!" Danny shouted, quickly scribbling down a list of quirky people, places and things. It was a pitifully lame idea, but we decid- ed to humor him, knowing that we'd surely ditch him at some point during the day. We grabbed some disposable cameras from the pile in the closet, hopped on our razor scooters and took off. One final thrill ride. For friendship. For freedom. For the Maize and Blue, God damn it. Things started out smoothly. Here are some of the things we found: "A sorority girl" - Danny found one running down Washtenaw with a water bottle in one hand and vomit in the other. "A GEO member who barely speaks English" - Cheating a bit, Reuben met up with his girlfriend, Math 115 GSI Xian-Xian Wen, who was in the Arb marveling at obese squirrels. "Jesse Jackson" - On the steps of the grad library, talking to Agnes Aleobua. Aleobua was cutting a fine figure in her Levi's Engineered Jeans and "Michigan Vaginas" T-shirt. I took their photo and ran. "Ben and Reuben's father" - The corner of State and Huron, of course. Me and my bro snapped him at the same time, the camera flashes giving the poor man intense Vietnam/acid flashbacks. "The ugliest possible human beings" - Danny got a truly repugnant shot of Dave Guipe and James Yeh, making out with each other outside of NYPD, ziti and pizza sauce smeared obscenely on their ample breasts and greasy faces. That's about when me and Reuben ditched Danny, who is pretty much used to it by now and didn't seem to care. So we were just cruising around, and guess who I spy with my little eye at the Diag among the drug dealers and protestors but Rolf, that son-of-a- Canadian-whore international student I had been trying to get even with for some time. He was chatting with crooked Metro Detroit Modeling "tal- ent scout" Jack Torse. "Get a few good shots of this," I said to Reuben. I walked over to Rolf and tapped him on the shoulder. He turned around. "I am the living incarnation of your death," I said. "What's all this aboot?" he said, and then I brutally pistol-whipped him. Me and Reuben sped off, much to Jack Torse's lip-licking dismay. As we were on our way towards more adventures, I saw a vision of raw sexuality waving at me from the side- walk. I slowed my roll. It was Val, D- Town Dana's luscious friend from D- Town. "Sup, baby?" I said. "Ben, I've been looking all over for you. You gotta go home. Dana's lost it!" "Never mind about her. Are you free right now?" "This is serious! Go home!" I apologized to Reuben for my abrupt departure, leaving him to throw his mack down on the smokin' hot Val, and sped home, on the way passing my friend Blake, Effeminate Boy, academ- ic advisor Joe Henderson, film profes- sor Peter Bauland, some drunk cheer- leaders from Texas on Spring Break, Dirk and his friends (Mark, Eddie, Brock, Reed, Chest and Philip Seymour), the altitudophile I met on the Millennium Force at Cedar Point and Delilah, host of Cool 107's "The Delilah Show," all of whom I greeted with a head nod. D-Town Dana was waiting for me in my room when I got home, which was in shambles, the desk turned over on its side, the drawers pulled out, all the sheets off the bed, the 1108 Thugz and Skim Milf posters in tatters. Dana was in tears. She was also, more important- ly, pointing a gun at me. From the hall- way, Joyce, Brooke, Brooke's fiance Eric, Hannah, Courtney and Ashu looked on in horror. "Whoa, whoa, whoa," I stammered. "I knew it. I knew it Ben, you cheap whore." "What? What's wrong? Is it red frowny face week already?" "I found this in the trash, you bas- tard!" She was holding up a stained, crumpled post-it note. "Grocery list." "It's not! It's secret lovers code to another woman! Do you think I'm stu- pid? I know what 'Hefty Cinch Sacks' are! Asshole! And corned beef? Corned Beef?!?" "Seriously, Dee-Dee, it's just a gro- cery list. You're blowing this way out of pro..." "Blow this out of proportion, bitch!" Dana closed her eyes and squeezed the trigger" "Noooooooooooooo!" screamed Ashu. BANG. ...my head jerked up and I was in my booth at the parking garage, my heart pounding, some white dude in a yellow Volkswagen Beetle impatiently beep- ing his horn at me. I checked my face for bullet holes. There were none. "What a crazy, horri- ble dream; I said to the empty booth. "I don't have a twin brother, and I lived in West Quad my freshman year. Who were all those weird people? What does it all mean?" I opened my booth's window to take the ticket from the fruity white guy in the beetle "You're gorgeous," he said. "I know, sir, I know. That'll be $2.85." And that's when I saw it. On the booth's floor, there was a shopping bag full of pennies, with a copy of the uncut 721 E. Huronr (734)665-0606. www.umich.edu/~canter THE JOHN MARSHAL L LAW SCHOOL T Par PlaeadHlcetAatet Why Wait? Lease Now for Fall and relax! " Low winter rates " Westside location near U of M * On bus route " Pets welcome Call 734-761-1897 Rich 102-year history " Day and evening options " J.D., LL.M. and joint J.D./LL.M. degrees " Excellent downtown location WORK AND TRAVEL Caring, fun and responsible people needed to co- lead small groups of adults with developmental disabilities on 3 - 7 day vacations. Travel to exciting destinations, including Orlando and Cape Cod. No experience necessary and training provided. Commitment flexible from 1 trip to all summer. 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