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4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekeid Majamine - Thursday, April 4, 2002
JAPIYA BURNS - THEFFTH DEGREE
YOUR SUMMER HOT LIST
WHAT TO WATCH, RENT AND LISTEN TO
The Michigan Daily - Weekend MagaZinl
ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITI
LUKE SMITH -- LESS THAN ZERO
WHAT ABOUT YOUR 'FRIENDS?'
DRAFTING THE ULTIMATE SIT-COM
When I was in eighth grade,
longing for the endless
stretch of summer ahead,
my school implemented a summer
reading list. My care-free sun-
drenched days of beaches, biking
and comic-book reading were
marred by the over-hanging threat
of reading three books like an anvil
over my head. Everything became
Of course, part of the problem
was that most of us were too young
to understand the subtleties of
Scarlet Letter, or too old to really
care about the Yearling. The other
part of the problem was just that we
all had to scramble-for the Cliff's
Notes the week before classes start-
ed, or hope that our beloved dead-
deer movie would show again on
Luckily college loads enough
books on you during the semester
that they don't expect you to read
much over the break. You're free to
pursue your E! Internship; your
travels in Europe; return to the fam-
ily life, harboring secret hopes of
meeting Steve Kemetco; pleasures
in Amsterdam; and not having to do
your own laundry for a few months.
But here's some suggested pieces of
entertainment nonetheless, whatev-
er you may be doing this summer.
No family pet gets killed in any of
them, and there's very little perse-
cuted adultery in these films,
books, and websites I've grown to
love. Clip this article and put a
check next to it as you complete the
Everything Bond. If you've
just joined the series, go back and
watch the best of the Bonds - Sean
Connery, save the world with real
style and cruel, irresistible good
looks. And before the next movie
comes along, catch the Gamecube
game or pick up one of the many
soundtrack compilations with
theme songs from everyone from
Shirley Bassey to Wings. Sure,
Bond's a little misogynistic, but
he's bad-ass, and he's got Judi
Dench on his side.
Attack of the French Films.
Perhaps after watching Amelie your
appetite for French films has been
whet? Or perhaps after Amelie you
think all French films are sicken-
ingly cute and don't want to see
another one again? Either way, here
are some movies for the believer
and non-believer alike. The
Vanishing is one of the scariest
movies you will ever see. There is
also a small plot point about a gold-
en egg that I haven't figured out,
but you won't need to get it either.
Belle du Jour is a hilarious look at
an unsatisfied housewife with a
gorgeous street criminal to boot. La
Lectrice, available on VHS, shows
the literary value of cinema, quot-
ing everything from poetry to Marx
in the heroine's readings, while still
scandalizing with school-boy
seduction, prostitution and adul-
tery. A good enough reason not to
throw out your VCR just yet.
Spit On Your Grave. Forget
Moulin Rouge. Sure, the singing,
dancing, and visuals are a spectacu-
lar spectacular, but strip it all away
and the plot is paper thin, a gen-
dered role-reversal of Titanic. Poor
idealist falls in love with unattain-
able beauty, short-lived affair, for-
ever-cherished romance emotional-
ly-heightened by killing off a hero-
ine. Why not enjoy something a lit-
tle more trashy, a lot less glossy,.
and one in which the abused female
gets some comeuppance? Spit On
Your Grave is for you! A Bust mag-
azine recommendation, it follows
the exploits of a woman, who, after
being raped, finds her four
assailants and kills them one by
one. Not exactly Take Back the
Night, but a challenging, perhaps
inadvertently feminist film
Bollywood. You need this. It
might not be a first date activity,
but you need to rent some of these
movies from India, make or order
in some spicy chicken curry dish
and make a night of it.
® Kylie Minogue's Fever. This
album was made for you. Kylie
shows that Britney has nothing on
pop, giving you a soundtrack to
work out to, blare at home and
dance to at the clubs. You will love
her, so just get over that elite-music
critic part of yourself and buy it.
N RuPaul.com. There are a few
problems with most personal web-
sites. Even with the advent of Jour-
nal-design aides like blogger,
there's still a certain element of
people just throwing up pictures of
their kittens or disguising personal
ads as meaningful content. And
when people actually have some-
thing interesting to say, they usual-
ly don't. Leave it to RuPaul to be
the one to have the balls to tell
everything like it is. Her weblog
details her life amid normal people
as well as the famous. Honest and
funny, her latest entries find her
visiting a party filled with porn
stars, meeting Bon Jovi and recom-
mending recent favorite movies.
Other things to enjoy this sum-
mer: grass underneath bare feet,
mangoes and vanilla ice cream,
naked-eye astronomy, shell-collect-
ing and getting the smell of camp-
fire on your clothes.
- Japiya Burns can be reached at
Now that's what I call villainy.
ITO P 10
1. Now 9, Various Artists -
Upside-down crosses, flies, pigs-
in-the-window, THIS IS A SIGN!
2. The Best of Both Worlds,
R. Kelly and Jay-Z -- If you
substitute best with worst and "of
Both Worlds" with "Idea of all
3. O Brother, Where Art
Thou? Soundtrack, Various
Artists - Constant sorrow that
Now 9 is in over a million homes.
4. World Outside My
Window, Glenn Lewis - Who
is this person, and why are we
supposed to care?
5. Far Side of the World,
Jimmy Buffett- OK, know
who this guy is, still don't know
why caring is pertinent.
6. Drive, Alan Jackson -
7. Hybrid Theory, Linkin
Park - Stop.
8. Under Rug Swept, Alanis
Morissette - Death to all of the
reviewers that gave into the urge
to be punny. We're better than
9. Word of Mouf, Ludacris -
Ludacris like a fox. Yeah, that's
10. M!ssundaztood, Pink-
Oh, this is urine personified.
IOWs age so fast don't they? The characters on NBC's will be a metaphor, but only the smart people will pickupon
mega-hit "Friends" are perfect exnples. They have all it. My blonde woman would pick up on it.Nathan will have a
Gotten old and tiresomne.Who really cares who knocked beard, as all hippies and/or com munsts have beards. My show
up Rachel, or who she's 'really'-in love with - shes still bed- will be the only show with a hippie/communist. It will be mag-
ding Brad. nificent.We will appeal to all demographics.
Fortunately for you, the verydayTVwatc her and There will be an African-French woman. Yes, African.
"Friends"-a-hoic, NBC hasrecognized this problem. Some Fre.ch,. She'd be a love interest for Darrell, not because sheis
time after NBC President Jeff Zucker finished my last noel, black, but because she speaks with a French accent. In addi-
one of his personalassistants called me on the phone. They .ion to liking blondes, Darrell cannot resist a French accent.
wanted me to draft some character sketches for a'new show I will have'a slow-witted white guy. He's a poet.His verse
with the pilot airingin the fall. Theprice was right, and I oblig. is so dense, it is so rich, it is so, so awful. But women will fall
ed - Courteously, of course. before him, falling on their knees begging for his affection.
NBC wanted something "ip,"."fresh" a. most important. But there is a twist, because my show needs one. My slw-.wit-
ty, something culturally relevant I, a man of extreme cultural ted white guy, Jeremiah is homosexual. And only the viewer
relevance, was not concerned with their request..knows it. It can be the viewers hitle secret, so that they can
"It must appeal to all the demographics, Luke;" they said. laugh at the other characters lack of knowledgeabout
I shrugged and said,Tll do what Icai" Jeremiah's secret. They will find out because Jeremiah's char
Then they offered more money. acter will have soliloquies; In his soliloquies, he will always
l started writing. pine about Mariah Carey and her failing wardrobe.
It must be pre-packaged, over-simplified crap; that is the.That will be the giveaway. Mariah Carey.
only way this would work. I'm so perfect for the job that my Jemiah's roommate Gordon is a man's man. He watches
toes tingle football,.is Jewish and has loads of promiscuous sex. He is
First, I'd reed all the major ramson theshow;inorder for Jewish for no. ..erreason, than need a Jewish character.-
the show to have the mass-market appeal that NBC so desper- The unnamed blonde.girl will live in an apartment with a
ately seeks I'd need racial diversity. Otherwise the WB or BET brunette and the Afro-French woman. The brunette is a devout
would blow my show out of the vter on Thursday nights. Christian named Sadie and clings to the conservative white-
Darrell will be my black man. He'll have light brown skin, picket fence of politics. Obviously, she will be the love inter-
so the white-flk watching the show in Arkansas won't be est of Jeremiah. It will behilarious.
completely turned-off by his character. Darrell is funny. Gordon willinfinitely pursue Sadie (ala Screech and Lisa).
Extremely funny. Funt in the way where you aren't sure if She will quote scripture from the New Testament to keep
you are laughing at him, or with him. He needs to be '"het- Gordon at bay. The whole time she will love his mystique. It
to" - but in a way that bubbles 'camnp. ie's hard. but with a will be a nationwide obsession, i the vein of "who-killed
soft spt for blonde women. Laura Palmer'?" It will be fantastical.
My blonde woman will be ironic. Irony isn't dead yet, The show will define boundares; it will break walls; it will
despite Seinfeld's long-since syndicated status. She will be rule ratings. Advertisers will pay tons of money for a 30 sec-
beautiful and smart, she will say smart things - the most and spot. It will be bigger than the Super Bowl, "Suriver"
insightful the world has ever heard. She will be Winston and "Who Wants to Be a Millionaire ?" lIwill be a millionaire
Churchill with long legs and fake boobs. She will be beyond because of my wonderful show.
brilliant, she will be so intelligent that f will have to write all My black man, my slow-witted Mariah Carey lover, my
of her lines for her personally, because to come from anyone wonderfully un-ironic blonde, mly excellent Afro-French
else would be insincere. Yes, I must write all of her lines per- woman, my hippie-commie, my devout Christian brunette and
sonally She will draw many, many male viewers.. . her Jewish male suitor - they will capture the heart of
She is not ironic. I changed my mind. Billions. Yes, billions. It must be translated.
Nathan is my ne.hippie communist. Communists are an My show will be perfect.
underrepresented minority on television right now, and Nathan It will be horrible.
will work perfectly in the mix. He will live in a flat above a It will have Mark-Paul Gosselar.
coffee shop down the street from the apartment complex It will suck to no end.
where everyone else lives. His separation from everyone else- Luke Smith can he reached at lukems~aumich.ed.
I ILARG EST
I . ....... .................... .... ............
WHAT'S NEWS IN ENTERTAINMENT
BEATTY BACKS OUT OF "KILL
BILL" - Warren Beatty has with-
drawn from Quentin Tarantino's
upcoming film, and his role will be
played by David Carradine of "Kung
Fu." Tarantino has previously had to
stop production of the film because
of Uma Thurman's pregnancy.
Zap2it.com reports that with this
new cast change, the beginning of
prodution has beeh pushed to this
LOU PEARLMAN CLEARED OF
CHILD LABOR ACCUSATIONS - The
mastermind who is responsible for
The Backstreet Boys and *NSync
has been cleared of charges that he
broke Florida child labor laws. The
Florida Deprtment of Labor said that
there is no evidence that Pearlman
and his company, Trans Continental
Entertainment, violated any labor
laws. The investigation started when
the mother of a member of Take
5,one of his less successful groups,
complained that Pearlman was keep-
ing the kids past 11:30,
among other violations.
VS. JASON CROSSOVER
APPROVED - After
years of speculation
and rumors, Bob
Shaye, Chairman of
New Line Cinema, has
greenlit a movie that deals
with the worlds of
"Nightmare on Elm
Street" and "Friday the
13th." Shaye com-
mented, "The basic
idea is how does
Freddy come back after his banish-
ment and how does he use Jason and
eventually have to vanquish him,
and then how do the children of Elm
Street have to get rid of everybody?"
SAM RAIMI SIGNED ON FOR
SPIDERMAN II - Sam Raimi,
who directed the upcoming
"Spiderman," has agreed to
to a sequel, and he has also
expressed interest in
doing an extremely low
budget "Evil Dead 4"
has a part in
have one in
Courtesy of New Line Cinema the sequel.
THE O.J. ALL STAR
OF THE WEEK
The dapper singer/songwriter, nee
the decidedly un-frightening Brian
Warner, has been ghoulishly sued in
civil court for the wrongful death of
Jennifer Syme. Syme's mother claims
her daughter died after getting high
from some eeire cocaine supplied at a
party thrown by Warner, and crashing
her car the next morning. Between this
and the whole sexual assault thing, it
hasn't been Brian's month.