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6B - The Michigan Daily -- Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, January 10, 2002
'CAUSE TWO IS NOT A WINNER AND THREE NOBODY REMEMBERS
The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine.
WHAT IT FEELS LIKE FOR A GIRL
nother thing about being a
famous columnist is that every-
starts treating you real nice,
but in a phony kind of way, like it's pret-
ty obvious they want something back.
Fame attracts leeches. Around every cor-
ner is the "old friend" hitting you up for
money or the next usurper of the throne,
the next challenger. Ask MC Hammer.
Or better yet, watch his made-for-TV
movie on VH1, "Too Legit." Yeah, the
Hammer could definitely back me up on
this one.
I'll give you an example. A couple
months ago I decided to take a few
dozen of my closest friends to a well-
known Italian restaurant on Main Street;
I won't say which one it was, but it starts
with a G and it's fairly pricey. It was
payday at the Student Publications
Building, so yeah, everything was on
me. We didn't have any reservations or
anything, we just
thought we'd roll
in, grease a few
palms, and see if
they could work
with us. The
moment the
maitre d' or main
host guy or what-
ever sees me,
he's all "Right
Ben this way, Mr.
Goldstein, sir,
Goldstein we've already set
up several tables
Sick- for you and your
entourage." So
he's helping me off with my fur coat and
I'm thinking Wow, not only did we not
have to wait or bribe anyone, but he's
already set up enough tables to accomo-
date like 30-35 people, and we just got
here!And he called me sir!
Long story short, we're finishing our
meal and the first thing this son of a bot-
tom-feeding bitch says (after the whole
"your money is no good here" thing, of
course) is "Mr. Goldstein, I was wonder-
ing if you would be kind enough to men-
tion us in the next installment of 'Sick!'
We do fairly well at the moment, but I
think if you name-dropped (name of
restaurant) sometime in your column
we'd really take off. So, what do you
say?" This jackass has the nerve to ask
me this in front of all my friends and
some of their friends and relatives, some
of whom were still working on their
creme brlUe when we were hit with the
sales pitch. And here I thought we were
being treated nice just because he was a
fan, or maybe, just maybe, out of the
goodness of his heart. Yeah, right. What
a fool I was. Everybody in this cold, cold
world is looking out for No. 1, and I
mean everybody; there's no exception to
the rule.
(Quick side-note, I later found out
that the rows of tables at this restaurant-
that-will-remain-unnamed were set up
not for us, but for the Rev. Jesse Jackson,
who was in town promoting or protest-
inig something. He had made reserva-
tions for 40 people, but the restaurant
gave us his tables before he arrived, and
after a long argument he and his people
were given gift certificates for dinner
there another night. I heard they ended
up going to the Mongolian Barbecue,
although an anonymous member of
BAMN told me it was Shalimar.)
The moral of this story being that
when you get up on that mountaintop,
you realize that everybody else is climb-
ing up after you with their hands out,
asking for "help." I started thinking
about all of this the other day when I
received a flood of e-mails (like thou-
sands, almost all from total strangers)
asking how my break was. "Did you
have a fun break?" "How was your
break?" "Did you enjoy the holidays?"
"What did you do over break?" And
invariably, there's the P.S. hiding there at
the end that reveals their real intentions.
Hammer knows about the P.S., you can
bet your ass.
"PS.: Can you review my band's CD
in the Daily?" "P.S.: I want to ask my
girlfriend to marry me, and I thought if
you could put like my marriage propos-
al at the end of your next column that
would be real romantic for her, and I
could be like 'Oh honey, why don't you
open that Weekend section up to page
6B?" "PS.: Do you really know Lyle,
Luke and Andy personally? Can I meet
them?"
People are shameless. You go through
life wanting to be a well-known and
respected writer. And then one day, poof,
it happens, you got it. The world is
yours. Following the classic Scarfaceian
arc, first you get the money, then you get
the power, and then, then you get the
woman. That's how it works in this
country. You start with nothing, growing
up in desperate poverty in some rat-
infested tenement, or worse, in a com-
munist (no, I will not capitalize that
word) country and then suddenly men
want to be you and women want to be
with you. And it can all be a little too
much to handle sometimes, I won't lie to
you. No, I never lie to any of you.
So you want to know how my break
was? Do you, you filthy bloodsuckers?
It was fine. I hung out with my parents
and high school friends. My girlfriend
"D-Town Dana" visited me for a few
days and we did Chicago, my way. Both
my mother and father bought me an
XBox for Christmas, which was embar-
rassing, considering the fact that I don't
like video games. I drove around my
neighborhood at night on a nostalgic
whim, passed the houses of old friends,
realized that as a senior, mere months
from graduation, this will be the last,
time I am allowed to drop everything for
two and a half weeks to visit my family.
From now on, I'll have to be back at
work from Dec. 26 to Dec. 31 after tak-
ing Christmas Day off, and return on
Jan. 2 after New Year's. This is all
assuming I will find a job eventually.
No I will not review your CD. That's
the stupidest idea for a marriage propos-
al I've ever heard. Yes, I do know Lyle,
Luke and Andy. They're not as snarky in
real life.
- Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bjgoldst@umich.edu. Rest in peace
Dave Thomas.
adytron is what it's all about
these days for young women.
It's electronic, something best
used alone, and provides hours of
pleasure. But it's not the personal
device you're thinking of. It's an
electronic band spitting out '80s
style beats over brazen, jaded lyrics
of romance gone bad.
But their subject matter of break-
ups, drive-thrus, backstabbing and
depressing mornings aren't so far
off from what my girl friends keep
complaining about.
Apparently, the dating pool of
men seems pretty stale - full of
mildew, mosquitoes and toads.
Witness two of my friends:
Elizabeth and Amanda.
Elizabeth, on the rebound from a
guy who pre-dumped her in October
in anticipation of his May gradua-
tion, has found herself sleepwalking
backwards through her love life. It's
easy to do - to call up your pre-ex
and hang out with him, let him com-
pliment you, and wonder, "What
exactly went wrong in the first
place?" while your friends try to
remind you of the six times he broke
up with you. And what about the
holes he put in your wall?
Her other object of desire is a GSI
with "twinkling green eyes," but
that's just another sign she's looking
for love in all the wrong places.
Hasn't she been listening to her Ace
of Base for moral guidance?
It's too bad she's having such a
hard time. I see Elizabeth so much I
forget how pretty she is. On a non-;
date with the pre-ex she pulled her
hair down from her usual ponytail,
put on make-up, a cute shirt, and
was off -vasting all that beauty on
the type of guy that drools when
answering the door.
Elizabeth is the kind of girl you'd
set up on a blind date with your
and funny with-
out lying or hid-
ing a real case
of heavy acne or
bad flatulence.
Her worst
quality is her
mean streak,
which manifests
itself in pranks,
such as scaring
people in hall-
ways, running
hot water for
those about to
wash their
hands, cracking
an egg over her
sister's head or
Japiya
Burns
The Fifth
Degree
tripping girls on busses. But even
this is endearing!
Next case: Amanda. Keeping in
mind that I'm gay, Amanda is so
sweet and nice, with a cute Western-
style cowboy belt, super-fly style,
cute hair and Southern accent (not
too thick) that when I found out she
might not be able to make it home
for Thanksgiving in North Carolina I
knew what I had to do.
I invited her to Thanksgiving with
my family, since my boyfriend
couldn't make it, and I'd wanted to
bring someone wonderful home that
would reflect positively on me,
reminding them how charming, cute
and funny I am. People do actually
forget! Also, I wanted to deflect
those nagging questions about my
career plans.
Luckily Amanda could spend the
holidays with local relatives, but
what about those other nights?
Twenty-four, with a regional man-
agement position, she's often too
busy to meet men.
The last guy she met invited her
brother and feel good about it - the
kind you'd describe as cute, smart,
out to Colorado, but once she was
there, Colorado Boy did a 360 from
his previously sweet, laid-back self.
Instead of being nice and chill, he
tried to impress her with a hyper-
masculine, jocular, yet crude atti-
tude. What she'd liked about him
had begun to evaporate before two
weeks had passed.
Back in Ann Arbor, while she was
treating me to dinner, two hot guys
eyed her as I tried to explain there
are good guys right in her backyard.
On the way out both guys stared
longingly, but neither of them said
anything to her; intimidated by
someone so together and pretty,
guys don't approach her.
So what's a girl to do? I don't real-
ly believe in the Ally-McBeal-style
self-pity, and neither do these girls.
And I'm smart enough to know that
there are still great guys out there -
but where are they?
So, guys, can you help these girls
out? Do you think you can prove
everyone wrong that says there's no
more good men left? Are there any
cute guys that are nice, sweet,
straightforward, funny, laid-back but
still exciting?
Neither of these girls want to
place a personal ad. So I'm gonna do
the work for them. Tell me why
you're good enough for one of these
girls.
Some things to keep in mind:
Elizabeth's looking for someone
taller than her (5'10" or above), has
"pretty eyes," and won't try to
squash her dreams of medical
school. Additionally, I would like to
see her with someone who'd take her
out to nice restaurants, watch
"Friends" with her, and who could
just spend an evening in.
Amanda seems to be looking for
someone mature, possibly out of
school like herself. She has an out-
door spirit, but don't worry, she still
shaves her armpits! Perhaps some-
one who likes to camp, is willing to
go on weekend trips, someone "tall,
dark, and handsome," but without
the machismo of a gorilla.
It shouldn't have come to low-
down journalistic-pimpin', but that's
the deal. Write me with reasons you
should meet one of these women.
I've got two successful matches
under my belt - one couple for over
two years now. Another couple I'd
orchestrated only lasted two months,
but at least it broke a dry spell of a
year. Besides, I'd love to beat out
Miss Cleo for love-coordinator of
the universe.
- Send love-notes, semi-nude pho-
tos, reasons why you need to meet
one of these girls or any coments in
general to japiyab@umich.edu.
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CLASS SCHEDULE:
Taekwondo I (Beginner)
Taekwondo I (Intermedia
CLASS LOCATION:
2275 CCRB (Central
Campus Recreation
Building)
REGISTER IN PERSON with
the U-Move Fitness Office
(located at 1271 CCRB)
8:30am-4:30pm, Mon-Fri.
(Web registration is not
available.) The cost is $90.
If you have questions about
registration, please contact
U-Move at 764-1342 or
u-moveaumich.,du.
If you have questions about
course content, please
contact Tony Winkler at
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Gustion ofthsw ek
"Now that Dave Thomas is dead, do
you feel more inclined to eat a Big
Bacon Classic?"
Q "I actually didn't know he was dead.
I hope it wasn't food related."
- Vikram Chandrasekaren, Engineering junior
Q "No, because I don't eat bacon. It's
sad to lose someone who did so much
for the community. And he was a good
businessman, too."
- Ashraf Zahr; Engineering junior
U "Yeah, kind of to honor him ... He's.
in my thoughts. Every time I eat at
Wendy's in the future, I will think of him."
- Teresa Palmer, Subway employee
1 nu1irdn!l~ IM+
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