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6B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine - Thursday, February 14, 2002
BEN GOLDSTEIN - SIC !
"LIGHT OF MY LIFE, FIRE OF MY LOINS"
AN OPEN LETTER TO D-ToWN DANA

The Michigan Daily - Weekend Magazine -

RENA GREIFIINGER - I GIE VYOUY D
SEX AND TI

HE BIG HOUSE

THE BIG DAY AND YOUR WILDEST FAiN

H appy St. Valentine's Day, my dar-
ling. This will be our fourth
together, and I promise you it will
be our best yet. The first year we were
together, I forgot Valentine's Day. Nestled
right there in between Groundhog's Day
and Spring Break, it sort of got lost in the
shuffle. You presented me with a dozen
roses and some kind of imported choco-
late. I was only able to come up with a
handmade gift certificate to Wendy's in
return, as the holiday had taken me com-
pletely by surprise. But you forgave me,
especially when I vowed that if we lasted
until the next Valentine's Day, I would
really make it worth your while.
I forgot the next Valentine's Day as

well, although this time I had an excuse.
Near the end of a two-week retreat on a
horse ranch, I was savagely kicked in the
head, I'm assuming by some kind of an
animal. I came out of my coma on
February 17, with a frustrating case of
amnesia. You stuck by me in the hospital,
showing me pictures of my friends and
family, trying to jog my memory in
regards to my life before the accident.
And you stayed strong and patient, even
when I responded to your repeated pleas
of "my name is Dana and I'm your girl-
friend" with "you can't be my girlfriend,
you're not my type." It was a long, ardu-
ous recovery.
At the beginning of our third

Valentine's Day together, I temporarily
dumped you to pursue that Thai interna-
tional student, the one that all of my
friends insisted was really a man. Well
they turned out to be right, and I was so,
so wrong. But I came crawling back.
Literally. To forget the awful experience
with "Stevena," I had gone on a 12-hour
drinking binge, the results of which left
your shoes and bedroom nearly unsal-
vageable. I would have paid for the dam-
ages, but you told me that never seeing
my face again would be payment enough.
I appreciated that, baby, I really did.
The point is, we've had our ups and
downs. Okay, they've mostly been downs,
and I wouldn't place all of the blame for


that on you. Sometimes I feel like I don't
deserve you, and I don't understand why
you keep taking me back. But I'm really
going to make it up to you today, scout's
honor, swear on a stack of Bibles, cross
my heart, hope to die.
As I recently blew all my money on
Internet gambling (they're right, it is a
scam), we're going to have to do this
modestly.' Hey, we may not be rich, but
we're rich in love, right? Anyway, I was
thinking first we'd get a couple slices of
pizza at the Diag Party Store (get any
kind of slice you want, baby, they're all 99
cents). I really don't have anything else
planned for after that, but I'm sure I'll
come up with something.
I don't know if I mentioned this, but I
have to work at the parking garage today.
I should be done by like midnight, and
then I promised Blake I'd stop by to check
out his new entertainment system.
Basically, he's got two TVs next to each
other, so we can play "Grand Theft Auto
3" while watching Sportscenter. It should
be sweet. I'd invite you along, but Blake
doesn't have a girlfriend, so you wouldn't
have anyone to talk to and you'd probably
feel left out. Maybe when Blake gets a
third TV we can hit up the Playstation 2
on one, watch Sportscenter on another
and have the third turned to one of those
Lifetime Original movies you're always
watching, like "Who Took My Baby?" or
"Glenda's Not Eating" or some other
movie starring Tracy Gold and Michael
Gross. Maybe next Valentine's Day
But after Blake's house, I'm all yours.

By the way, I hope you didn't get me any
gifts or anything. Remember how we
agreed that gifts only turn holidays into
celebrations of consumerism, and that we
don't want to have any part of it? Well at
any rate, do you remember when I said
that? It really applies for today, babe, just
giving you the heads up. Although if you
did get me something, I can give you the
Cannibal Corpse boxed set I just bought
for myself. I was hoping we could listen
to it tonight when we, you know, get inti-
mate. Nothing gets me in the right mood
for "lovemaking" (as you call it) than
some Corpse, preferably the early stuff.
And I don't have to be anywhere early
tomorrow morning, so before I leave I
was thinking I could perform an erotic
interpretive dance for you, perhaps
accompanied by Barry White's "Love
Serenade." As the master seducer himself
says, "I don't want to see no panties / and
take off that brassiere, my dear." Like Ben
Vereen, who my parents named me for, I
best express the way I feel through dance.
Well babe, I must sign off. Have a won-
derful little Valentine's Day, doing what-
ever it is you decide to do while I'm away.
I can't wait to reunite with you and cele-
brate this day of romance as a couple. As
you must have noticed, I have trouble
using the "L" word (it terrifies me), but
know this: I care for you, Dana. Deeply.
More than words could ever say.
- Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bjgoldst@umich.edu, but ifyou're a
chickyou shouldn't even bother, as he
only has eyes for Daneji Malone.

t's three in the morning, and I have a
deadline looming over my head that is
ess than fifteen hours away. It's Valen-
tines Day once again, I've been asked to
write about sex and love and for some
absurd reason I have nothing to say about
these incredibly provoking themes. I live
with 50 energetic, beautiful, young
women, most of whom possess some sort
of nymphomaniac tendency. Whether it be
dinner conversations, late night talks or
sassy e-mails, relationships and sex are
the most whispered and screamed about
topics that flow within these walls. I know
more about scandalous rendezvous and
hysterical cum faces than I need to, my
friends, yet I can't seem to bang out a sim-
ple column about college's most favored
subjects.
My question is: What is left to write
about that hasn't already been dragged out
and butchered regarding Valentine's Day
and its various connotations? Sure, I could*
sit here and ponder the meaning of the
entire phenomenon. I could scrutinize this
day of love, this Hallmark holiday that
puts unnecessary pressure on society to
fake cheesy presents and mind-blowing
orgasms. Or I could harass all the people
that preach this negativity, saying they are
just making excuses for their most likely
single, miserable love lives. But you know
what? We've heard it all before!
Every day, girls ask why guys are such
jerks, while guys want to know what the
hell we women want already! I am not
even going to pretend that I know the
answers, nor will I preach about some
typical love topic that will make you turn
the page by the time you reach my next
paragraph. So, after struggling with this
column for a week now, I have decided to
literally walk you through my thoughts,
my ideas, and my fantasies when it comes

to love and sex.
I know you all want the sex talk first,
so calm down, keep your pants zipped and
listen up! All this chatter about "hearing it
all before" and whatnot has brought me to
the realization that beds are out like
tapered jeans and it's time to bring on a
list of the craziest places on campus to get
down and dirty! I've come up with a few
good ones myself and gladly accept inno-
vative ideas from the peanut gallery.
Everyone wants to get naked in the stacks
at least once before graduation, and it's
common knowledge that any laundry
room will provide a fantastic venue for
some fresh, clean bumpin' and grindin'.
I figure that if you attend this grand
university, renowned for both its excellent
academics and kick-ass athletics, you will
definitely want to boast to all your grad
school buddies about that steamy night on
the 50-yard line of the Big House! Not to
mention, anyone that can manage to
seduce a professor receives a permanent
A in my book, and you get a perfect 4.0 if
you can play the Mrs. Robinson game on
the 50 yard line!
Years from now, we will look back on
all those Valentines' Days that had meant
the world to us at the time, but seem so
trivial in the present. We will realize that
all those years, we were just testing the
tumultuous waters of love. We were open-
ing our heart-shaped boxes of assorted
chocolates and taking little bites of each,
trying to figure out what tasted right and
what we really wanted. And once the
casual sex days dwindle and our virgini-
ties are taken away with the winds of
time, we will have a new form of love to
look forward to: The type that doesn't get
left behind in private cubicles of the Grad
or with the other scraps of uneaten choco-
late. The kind that we never thought we

would ever feel. The love we thought we
found a thousand times before we really
did. That is the love that lasts, that is the
love we will be able to celebrate today and
every day.
What do I think of Valentine's Day? I
feel that it is indeed a Hallmark holiday
that puts unnecessary pressure on men
and women to outdo each other in roman-
tic creativity. I strongly believe that we
should express our love for each other
every day and that it should not take flow-

ers and candy to prove our feelings. Yet, I
would never harp on a day that simply
asks us to feel and to love and to smile
because someone out there feels the same
way. I cannot bring myself to hate this day
because, frankly, I know what its like to be
in love. I know the sensation of loving
someone so much, and needing their pres-
ence so badly, that the heart aches at each
thought of not being near them. Honestly,
we all want a little lovin' sometimes - a
bit of recognition that all the effort we put


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