14B - The Michigan Daily - Wekend Magazine - Thursday, February 14, 2002 A guide to who's where, Thursday, February 14 what's hap ening and why through whshp ngadwy The W eekly List - you needto be there... Wednesday, Februape n20 F ilm s o p e n in g .. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .. . ..a. . . .. .~~4.~..N:xx:::,xx ti w \ A, t u,: . 0 U 9 The Michigan Daily - Wevlekd Magaine - BEEFCAKE BONANZA! Gents of the night elicit cheap thris Crossroads Britney spears makes her film debut in a remake of Delta Blues feature from a couple years back. Wax on, Britney. At Showcase: 12:50, 2:55, 5:15, 7:20, 9:25, 11:25 (Fri. and Sat.) Hart's War A trial in a POW camp; yeah, this is about as realistic as the Michigan basketball team winning a easy road game in Colorado. At Showcase: 1:45, 4:30, 7:35, 10:10, 12:30 (Fri. and Sat.) John Q Denzel celebrates the Oscar nomination by taking a hospital ER hostage, that's not gonna help him take down Russell. At Showcase: 12:00, 12:30, 2:30, 3:00, 5:00, 5:30, 7:30, 8:00, 10:00, 10:30, 12:30 (Fri. and Sat.) Retum to Neverland A sequel to "Peter Pan" arrives in theaters this week and is going straight to video next week; that's not a good sign. At Showcase: 1:00, 3:05, 5:05, 7:00, 8:45, 11:00 (Fri. and Sat.). Films holding A Beautiful Mind As expected Ron Howard picked up his first Oscar nod for this flick. It still sucks! At Showcase: 1:15, 4:00, 6:45, 9:30, 12:05 (Fri. and Sat.). *** Big Fat Uar That is what you call the guy who says this film is good. At Showcase: 12:10, 12:40, 2:10, 2:40, 4:25, 4:55, 6:10, 7:10, 8:05, 9:05, 11:10 (Fri. and Sat.). * Black Hawk Down It didn't get nomi- nated for Best Picture; the voters must have remembered "Hannibal." At Showcase: 12:45, 3:40, 6:40, 9:35, 10:05, 12:15 (Fri. and Sat.). *** Brotherhood of the Wolf It is the anti- "Amelie." "Amelie" is good, and "Wolf" is not. At Showcase: 9:00, 11:50 (Fri. and Sat.). ** Collateral Damage Arnold capitalizes on all the Sept. 11 hatred of terrorists by killing one on-screen. At Showcase: 12:25, 2:45, 5:10, 7:25, 9:15, 9:45, 11:30 (Fri. and Sat.), 12:00 (Fri. and Sat.). **I The Count of Monte Cristo Did you know Jim Caviezel was in "Pay it Forward"? Yeah, I just lost all respect for him. At Showcase: 1:30, 4:15, 7:15, 9:55, 12:25 (Fri. and Sat.). *** Gosford Park If you go see this film and fall in love with Altman and want to see all his movies, that's cool, but stay away from "Secret Honor"! You will thank me later. At Showcase: 9:50, 12:20 (Fri. and Sat.). **** I am Sam Sean Penn surprised us all by getting -an Oscar nom because we all know that spot was reserved for Tom Green in "Freddy Got Fingered." At Showcase: 1:25, 4:10, 6:55, 9:40, 12:15 (Fri. and Sat.). *** In the Bedroom The filmmakers say, "Take that Lasse Halstom, we are the best Miramax film this year!" At Showcase: 1:05, 3:45, 6:35, 9:10. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring May not have gotten as many nominations as "Gladiator" but Frodo could still kick Maximus' butt. At Showcase: 1:10, 4:45, 8:15,11:40 (Fri. and Sat.).*** Monster's Ball P. Diddy and Mos Def star in a two hour long hip-hop video about redemption. At Showcase: 12:05, 2:25, 4:40, 7:00, 9:20, 11:45 (Fri. and Sat.).* The Mothman Prophecies Gere guaran- tees that Costner's soon to be released "Butterfly" won't make a dime by releasing his creepy pic first; go Gere! At Showcase: 12:20, 2:50, 5:20, 7:50, 10:20, 12:35 (Fri. and Sat.). *** Ocean's 11 How in the hell is Steven Soderbergh dating E!'s Jules Asner?!?! At Showcase: 10:25, 12:35 (Fri. and Sat.). 4 stars Rollerball What's funny about this action movie? Everything. At Showcase: 1:20, 3:30, 5:40, 8:10, 10:15, 11:40 (Fri. and Sat.), 12:10 (Fri. and Sat.). I The Royal Tenenbaums The Academy shafted Wes Anderson's classic except for one category; I can't make any jokes now because I'm crying. At Showcase: 12:10, 2:20, 4:35, 6:50. Snow Dogs It was a shock to see that Cuba's name was not among those nom- inated for this year's Oscars. Oh wait, he sucks now. Nevermind. At Showcase: 12:15, 2:15, 4:20, 6:30, 8:30. * A Walk to Remember Mandy, watch out because Britney is on your stilet- to heels. At Showcase: 12:15, 4:50, 7:05 By Jane Krull Weekend Magazine Editor As a group of girls from the Daily prepared for our trip to the all-male strip club in Windsor, Ontario, wild visions of extremely well-endowed men in costumes of cowboys, police officers and puppy dogs whirled throughout our heads. We would soon learn that this fetish-filled fantasies would be destroyed by a man in a polyester bathrobe. We were ushered into the club by a large, looming black man, who offered one of us, whose birthday was the night before, a birth- day special where she would be hauled up on stage for a dance with all of the strippers. Our escort left out that the celebration also involved being whipped by a towel and taking a commemorative picture with a stripper per- forming mock cunnilingus on the honored lady. But at the time, the stage was a sight still unseen. We were unsure of their roles as strip- club revelers, and we declined, trying to act as if we were just uninterested, not giving away our strip-club-virgin status. We thoroughly scoped out the bar as we sprinted to the first table we could find, des- perate to sit down and blend in. Our table was not too far from the stage, though it was defi- nitely not directly next to it - all those tables were taken. Huddled in incredibly girly "Our attent giggles at the table, we tried peaked back to to calm our- selves down when a fellow while we snuck studentthe ' glances at the 7 strippers and c waiters around us, not to men- tion the Donny Osmond lookalike performing his art on stage. Leaning against bars, doorjambs, and the stage, unsolicited strippers of all body types and styles stood around nursing drinks and making small talk with their colleagues. They were all topless and tattooed and wore nice everyday pants with the bands of their boxer briefs peeking out the top. Most of them per- Courtesy of New Line Cinema Denzel Washington will do anything to save his son's life in "John Q." Thursday CAMPUS CINEMA Amelie The Academy robbed Audrey Tautou of a nomination in favor of Renee Zellweger; we must now boycott the Bridget Jones sequel. State Theater, 6:45 p.m. Gosford Park Altman's flair for working with actors is present again as he is the favorite for the Best Director award, rightfully so. State Theater, 7 & 9:30 p.m. Monster's Ball No matter what this paper advertises, P. Diddy is not the star in this flick, it is actually Mos Def. Michigan Theater, 7 & 9:30 p.m. Romeo & Juliet Baz Luhrmann's Shakespeare classic that high school kids everywhere watch so they can avoid the actual play. State Theater, 9:15 p.m. MUSIC Ron Brooks Trio Everybody's favorite jazz trio busts out a special Valentine's party for all the ladies. 8 p.m., Bird of Paradise, 312 h. Main St., $5; 662- 8310. Garnet Rogers Not to be confused with the Timberwolves' "Kid," this Canadian guitarist delivers smooth songs and folk-tastic fun. 8 p.m., The Ark, 316 S. Main St., $13.50; 661-1451. Blues Night: Elmore James, Jr.JSon of Elmore James, Elmore James, Jr. deliv- ers classic slide guitar. 8 p.m., Firefly Club, 207 S. Ashley St., $12; 665- 9090. Collegium Vocale Gent Founded by Philippe Herreweghe, this ensemble performs polyphonic Renaissance music and German baroque, including Bach and Schutz. 8 p.m., St. Francis of Assisi Church, 2250 E. Stadium, $25- 30; 764-2538. THEA TER Landscapes of the Body Told in flash- backs, this Basement Arts play weaves a complex tapestry of modern life through one family's tragedies. 7 p.m., Arena Theatre, Frieze Bldg, Free; 764- 6800. Elizabeth Rex A runaway hit at Stratford, this play centers on the meeting of Ned Lowenscroft, Shakespeare's genius player of women and Elizabeth I, England's genius player of men. 8 p.m., Performance Network, 120 E. Huron, $20; 663-0681. Friday BOOKS Fred de Fauw De Fauw signs copies of his book "Fishing the Back Country." 7 p.m., Barnes & Noble Bookstore, 3245 Washtenaw, free; 677-6475. Richard Ford Reads Ford reads from his book "A Multitude of Sins." 8 p.m., Michigan Business School, Davidson Hall, D1270, 701 Tappan, free; 662- 7407. CAMPUS CINEMA Amelie See Thursday. State Theater, 6:45, 9:15 & 11:45 p.m. Evil Dead Sam Raimi's low-budget hor- ror classic is back with a special new print; seriously, if you never seen it on the big screen go this weekend! State , Theater, Midnight. Gosford Park See Thursday. State Theater, 7 & 9:30 p.m. Monster's Ball See Thursday. Michigan Theater, 7 & 9:30 p.m. MUSIC The Afro-Rican Ensemble The critical- ly acclaimed jazz ensemble brings down the house with loud, soulful jazz. Bird of Paradise, 9 & 11 p.m., 207 S. Ashley St., $15 ($10 for stu- dents). The Original Brothers and Sisters of Love The eclectic ensemble of Appalachian progressive rock. 10 p.m., The Blind Pig, 208 S. First St., $5; 996- 8555. San Francisco Symphony Under the direction of Michael Tilson Thomas, the SFS will perform two Schoenberg works as well as Mahler's "Das Lied von der Erde," joined by opera singers Michelle DeYoung and Michael Schade. 8 p.m., Hill Auditorium, $20-56; 764- 2538. THEA TER You Can't Take it With You The RC players present this hilarious play about a wacky family in the 1930s and their carefree attitudes that get them through life. 8 p.m., East Quad Auditorium, $3 for students, $5 non- students (available night of show); e- mail rcp.board@umich.edu for info. Landscapes of the Body See Thursday, 7 p.m. and 11 p.m. Elizabeth Rex See Thursday. Saturday BOOKS Author Reception Celebrate the publi- cation of local author and physician Dennis Chernin's new book "How to Meditate Using Chakras, Mantras and Breath." 4 p.m., Crazy Wisdom, 114 S. Main St., free; 665-2757. Robert Cohen Reads Cohen reads from his book "Inspired Sleep." 8 p.m., Shaman Drum Bookshop, 315 S. State St., free; 662-7407. CAMPUS CINEMA Amelie See Thursday. State Theater, 1:45, 4, 6:45, 9:15 & 11:45 p.m. Bandit Queen Part of the Dynamic Women Film Series. Michigan Theater, 2 p.m. C' formed in this attire, but some of them slipped into something a little more comfortable like a bathrobe or a thong for their acts. The women at the bar varied from harsh looking tarts in their 20s to gradual versions of those women after 20 years of trips to the local Dunkin Donuts. Many of the younger women acted like they were trying to pick up the main attractions, while the older women just seemed like they enjoyed the male attention. Particularly disturbing was a rather large mid- dle-aged woman who sat in a corner, keeping the beefiest black stripper as her playmate. Before we were comfortable with our expanded horizons, a waiter came over and took our drink orders, and one of us signaled the stripper walking around with a tray of test tubes. She pointed to another of the Daily girls, naive and pure. The stripper came around to her end of the table, spread her legs and stepped directly between them. Grabbing her head between his hands, the stripper began to dance, slowly rubbing her face against his ripped stomach. Blushing furiously and flail- ing her arms, she didn't know what to do with herself. Then he undid the clasp of his belt, unhitched his jeans, and slid a florescent pink test-tube into the band of his blacklight-lit white briefs. Abandoning any hope of knowing what she should do next, the girl let the strip- per guide her head down to on was soon suckle the tube and slowly t s gdrag it up out DIV~fS f his nether- Universityregions while S s wallo wing puke of DiCkthe sweet, his number." frothy straw- berry shot. While she recovered from her shocking experience of taking a crotch-shot, another Daily girl paid the expectant stripper for his services and sent him on his way to the next table. Annoyed that she'd been taken by surprise but relieved that her duty to do a crazy-strip-club act was accomplished, the girl realized she'd felt like a 15-year-old experiencing sexual relations for the first time with a much more experienced partner. With a stripper, a hired cock, she had frantically wondered: Where do I put my hands? What do I say? What am I supposed to do? How do I stop giggling? Where do I look? After that experience was completed, our drinks arrived, free of test tubes and men's jocks, and we settled back to watch the per- formers on stage. Only about half of the strip- pers decided to show off their family jewels and even fewer decided to go completely in the buff. Though there would only be one stripper on stage, the acts were definately duets. The smaller of the performers seemed painfully forced into compliance for the show. This was probably due to the fact that a rubber band had been tied around the base, keeping the life- blood from leaving the vessel. The most engrossing act of the night was the completely naked stripper who decided to do pull-ups from the handles on the ceiling. We felt like we were watching some pornographic Olympics event, and this guy definitely received a per- fect 10. As the performances continued, we were dis- tracted from the stage by nearby table dances. The birthday celebration next to us ordered up a table dance for one particular reveler. As the "Hey, 'Duke of Dick,' I've got something warm and dirty for you male members of the birthday party left the table, the dancer slowly undressed his torso and unhitched his pants, letting them sink on his hips, as he took the lucky lady's arm and licked a trail from her wrist to her shoulder. She buried her head in her other shoulder as he let his pants fall to display his flaccid glory. He turned his body, slapping his ass with a loud thwack that demanded the attention of the sur- rounding tables. He even took his woman's hand and guided it up his thigh, dangerously close to his limp manhood. Our attention was soon peaked back to the stage when a fellow University student, the "Duke of Dick," came out to do his act. Those of us who hadn't yet engaged in any crazy- strip-club antics knew that this was our chance to get up and support the maize and blue. We squeamishly walked up next to the stage and stood with our Canadian dollars (coins the size of quarter the Duke Duke pros his 10-inc making hi mal than r tact with t money ex meet agai Duke tool customary when one and the me it up. We deci been suff Though w disturbing we would unless a ft ~Jb Aibiun hI Editors: Associate Editors: Caitlin Nish, Andy Taylor-Fabe Writers: Rachel Bukstein, Lisa Chernikoff, Will EI-Nachef, Mike Grass, Johanna Hanink, Kari Johnson, Neal Pais Photo Editor: David Katz Photographer: Emma Fosdick, Yoni Goldstein, Debbie Mizel, Brett Mountain, Alyssa Wood, Jessica Yurasek Cover Photo: Brett Mountain Arts Editors: Lyle Henretty, Luke Smith, Managing Editors, Jeff Dickerson, Associate Editor Phone Numbers: Michigan Theater: 668-8397; Quality 16: 827-2837; Showcase: 973-8380; State: 761-8667. Showtimes are effective Friday through Thursday. Matinee times at State Theater are effective for Saturday and Sunday only.