0 AwT _ -. w IF 10B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend M cite - Thursday, February 7, 2002 V -K ThE-SAGA SCRL1'flNY The Michigan Daily - Weled Magazine BEN GOLDSTEIN - SICK! "CLOSING THE DEAL" REUBEN AND THE BUSINESS OF SEDU EPISODE I: CIVIL RIGHTS IN THE REBEL ALLIANCE BY JEFF DICKERSON - DAILY ARTS EDITOR Scenes of space battles between Rebel X-Wings and Imperial Tie Fighters have been imprinted on the __minds of our entertainment savvy gen- eration. Simultaneously, these sci-fi images cater to the white majority while ignoring minority interests. The numerous characters in the "Star Wars" universe are ruled by the human species, more specifically white males. Two of the main charac- ters of the saga, Luke Skywalker and Han Solo, epitomize the image of a narrative genre severely lacking in social diversity. The grandiose award ceremony fol- lowing the Battle of Yavin illustrates the problem at hand. Hundreds of mil- itant rebels stand at attention, not a non-white face in the crowd, applaud- ing the medals given to space crackers Luke and Han.. After the glaring omittance of minorities in "A New Hope," creator George Lucas wisely put a minority in a supporting role for the next install- ment, "The Empire Strikes Back." Billy Dee Williams played Lando Calrissian, a space-age pimp with a suave mustache and flowing blue cape. His ghetto was the picturesque Cloud City, a sterilized villa filled to the brim with Ugnaughts and ethnic security guards. Calrissian never grew out of the supporting moniker. His appearance in "Return of the Jedi" may seemed to have expanded the role of the man, yet he still served a supplemental position in the Rebel Alliance even with his newly acquired title of General. Never was racism more evident than in "Return of the Jedi" during the cli- mactic space battle. The first rebels to perish are an Asian, an African- American and a husky pilot. Courtesy of Lucasfilm Lando and Han pretend to be fiends. Meanwhile, the Caucasian pilots slay numerous Imperial ships with some fancy flying. Is this how the rebels define equality? There is only one way to kill a white person in "Star Wars" without offend- ing the ticket paying majority, - slap on white body armor and snazzy look- ing helmets and call them Stormtroopers. In doing so, Lucas makes the audience comfortable by labeling these unnamed soldiers "the enemy." The societal turmoil of humans in "Star Wars" are inconsequential when compared to the ills faced by non- human characters. Prior to entering the Mos Eisley Cantina, white knight Obi-Wan Kenobi declares "You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy." As the characters enter the seedy bar, a pan reveals the eclectic montage of bizarre aliens. The proclamation reveals the Jedi Master's lack of appreciation for the Cantina regulars, most of who are non- human. Wicket, Chief Chirpa, Logray and the rest of the tree dwelling Ewoks are relegated to throwing spears at Imperial scouts in the forests of Endor. Their assis- tance is paramount in the bat- tle against the Empire, yet Rebel humans look down on the furry creatures as a prim- itive species. Perhaps the most disturb- ing relationship in the "Star Wars" saga is between the stuck up, half witted, scruffy looking, nerf herder Han Solo and his devoted accomplice Chewbacca. The epic master- slave relationship highlights the superiority of humans in the "Star Wars" universe. Close analysis of the award ceremony reveals Chewbacca, although standing alongside Han and Luke in front of the uniformed mass, does not receive the honorary medal bestowed on his friends. Civil rights tossed right outside the Da: Millennium Falcon window. kec Going further down the civil liber- ties ladder, droids have few if any rights in the universe fought between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. To illustrate this theory, we must go back to the Cantina on Tatooine. "We don't serve their kind," utters the bartender as C-3PO and R2-D2 come in with their human counterparts. If the aliens are "scum and villainy" what does that make droids? The Rebel Alliance is no better than the evil Empire it so vehemently opposes. Until Asian pilots earn medals, Chewbacca gains his freedom and R2-D2 can enter the Mos Eisley Cantina unoc- costed, civil rights in the Rebel Alliance will remain a galaxy far, far away. dreamt that I had come to the end of a long journey. Stumbling out of a dense forest, I arrived at a small house with a lake behind it. Inside the house was a woman I had never seen before. I walked over to touch her and when I did she melted like wax. Dripping apart into a puddle on the floor, her distorting, deforming face seemed to blame me, to judge me. I tried to run, but I couldn't find the door. Then, my own limbs slowly started to melt off in the same way the woman's entire body had, and struggling only made them melt faster. What's worse, I was naked and late for school. I woke up drenched in a lukewarm fluid that I can only assume was sweat. "What a nightmare!" I exclaimed, push- ing away the strands of my luxurious mane of hair that had gathered on my face. Lying in the bed next to me was a woman I had never seen before. When I touched her she made a sound like an animal. I realized that I wasn't in my own bed. Rapidly pulling on my pants, I beat it out of there, running all the way back to my apartment in Northwood II, which I share with my twin brother Reuben. Reuben always pretends to be annoyed when I come home in the mid- dle of the night and wake him up, but I can tell he loves to hear about my adven- tures. Call it twin-brother intuition. I went into his room still out of breath from the run and I'm like "Reuben, Reuben, wake up," and he's all "you son of a bitch!" Luckily he wasn't with his girlfriend Xian-Xian at the time, because she always gets pissed when I bother them at night. Not that I can ever tell what she's saying. Xian-Xian doesn't speak a word of English; as one of the current GSIs for Math 115, she mainly communicates to her students through shrieks and wild hand gestures. Anyway, so first I tell Reuben about the dream. He tells me I'm a sick bas- tard, because the dream obviously means that I desire our mother, that these desires are latent but intense, that I should believe him because he took an intro psych course his freshman year and since then has "always been able to figure people out real easy." "No way I desire mom, you douchebag," I said, "you're only project- ing your own desire of her on me. Fuckin' douchebag." I had taken the same intro psych class, and knew all about latent desires and projecting and all the rest of that garbage. "If he were still alive, Freud might say that the intense denial of your latent desire for our mother is in itself proof that the desire exists." Reuben was always saying dumb col- lege-boy shit like that; I didn't have the hots for my mother, end of story. Quickly changing the subject (and mak- ing a mental note to get a second opin- ion of the dream's meaning from some- one else), I told him about how I had just woken up next to some random girl and had to beat it out of there before the beast woke up. "You infidel! I thought you were try- ing to close the deal on the Schafer account. And now this! Kudos, brother, I tip my hat to you." Reuben is what you might call a misogynist. During conver- sations, when there are no women around, he refers to them as if they were business deals, to be negotiated and closed; he describes Rick's as a "bull .market," and recently dumped girls as "junk bonds." By "Schafer account, he means this girl Rebecca Shafer we knew from class, who seemed to have taken an interest in me. He was con- vinced that I wanted to "close the deal" on her, or in other words "have sex with her." "Back up, hermano," I said, "I killed the Shafer account, I farmed it out to another company," meaning I had intro- duced Rebecca to my friend Simon Katzinsam, a notorious philanderer. "And I don't even know what I did with this girl tonight. Probably nothing. I must have blacked out again. Hey bro, do you have coffee anywhere? I need coffee." "Coffee's for closers you son of a bitch!" Reuben said, slugging my arm. "So listen to this story. I'm at the New York Stock Exchange on Thursday..." "You mean Touchdowns?" "Right, me and Xian-Xian had plans for that night, but I was able to call an audible on that shit and pull an end run." (Reuben occasionally uses sports termi- nology as well. He had given his girl- friend the "something came up" excuse and avoided plans with her.) "So I roll into NYSE with some of the boys and we see this smokin' little Betty and Veronica couple, and I'm thinking these are some fillies I could definitely put in my stable, maybe use 'em to build up my portfolio." In other words, they came across a blonde and a brunette, and Reuben wanted to befriend them so the potential for sex at a later date could be established, as that would increase his reputation among his friends. "This is so boring," I groaned, "can we talk about me and my problems some more?" Reubs wasn't having it. "I had my accountant run interference on Veronica while I went after Betty. Sweet Lord, you should have seen the pork barrels on this girl. She opened the trading day high, but about a half-hour before the bells went off, the price started plum- meting. I bought low like a pro, you're goddamned right. I could hear the poor bastards leaping out of buildings on that one." Basically, he had his friend chat up the blonde's friend while he went after her. She had started the evening aloof, rejecting the advances of men, but as 2 a.m. drew nearer, she became desperate, waiting for someone, any- one, to take her home. Reuben made his -11 Are You Feeling Sad or Blue? Medication free women suffering from depression between the ages of 18-48 are needed for a 6-10 week treatment study for depression. Participants will receive free medication and clinic visits during the study. For more information call 936-8726. , A [En :ioanih o ThaturyI " The Rattli P Show starts at 8 C +Ap , ,the Ann Arbor H+ Jamaic Bahaas &s $5dr .ww tudentexpr Sudayt evening Ja " - " "_ Alernaiveworshir . 1MRrkIM"" !. J-aye you seen #hat's in -tr r rier 20 menu items under $4. And everything is made fresh every day. Which is more than you can say for what's growing in your refrigerator. Ask about our delivery options. Camp and Summer Job Fair Meet with: 4 organizations offering summer jobs 4 ' camps 4 amusement parks nature centers / parks 4 resorts Visit our homepage for a list of participating organizations exit 172 Jackson ro Liberty T oLI, For Information contact CP&P: 3200 SAB - www.cpp.umich.edu - 764- 7460 The University of Mchigan s Career Planning Plac ent Division of Student Affain ANN ARBOR: 2245 West 5tadium blvd.. (betweeni Liberty and Jackson) Phonie: 734-623'-8202