4 - The Michigan Daily - Friday, February 1, 2002
420 MAYNARD STREET
ANN ARBOR, MI 48109
daily.letters@umich.edu

EDITED AND MANAGED BY
STUDENTS AT THE
UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN
SINCE 1890

GEOFFREY GAGNON
Editor in Chief
MICHAEL GRASS
JCHRIST@UMICH.EDU
Editorial Page Editors

BIASED OPINIONS
NOTABLE
QUOTABLE
The white pony rode
into the setting sun. It
was warm, yet inviting.
My load was heavy but I
was willing to bear it. But
there comes a time when
my brow is moist and I
must drop the load."
- Rochkind


Today's page is quite a shocker Yes, indeed. Well perhaps we should have used
better judgement. If Nick hadn't drank as much, the page wouldn't have sucked as
much. Or perhaps it is better for it. Johanna, give 'em hell. Fire at will.

~u~(oYouO

0
S

I

.1

Jihad! Tora Bora and Texan style

/',,& T


OSAMA BIN LADEN

GEORGE

W. BUSH


behold,
y o u
shits of a cas-
trated camel.
You one-tes-
ticled pigs of
5 the West.
You cock-
smelling
believers of manifest destiny.
You idol-worshipping dolls of
jizz. My name is Osama and I
want to be your next President (I
saw this fat guy saying this in a
Michael Douglas, Annette Ben-
ning movie called" (surprising-
ly) The American President,
while I was rummaging through
my various burqa and garter belt
combos in the Jihad cave with
my boy, DJ Mo, also known as
Emir-ul-Momineen Mohammad
Omar, listening to Khaled "The
Crusade That Never Was"
motion picture soundtrack and
surfing utlravideos.com in their
big tits/small brain/tight burqa
category for the perfect, wad-
doyou infidels call it, Ms.
Right?) In any case, I should lay
off the ambience descriptions.
All I was trying to do was
impress you with my talent for
multi-tasking hate and prostrat-
ing before your almighty Lord
Jesus Camera.
Yulla Mulla Kulla Shmulla,
you pubic-hairs of small-
breasted swine. That means
that "infidels like you will be
murdered by intestine suckling,
bats which have eyes bigger
than that ass on your first lady
after she's taken it a few times
in the Tora Bora cave by
Rumsfeld, Powell and Condi
Rice (obviously, with that
strap-on) all within the trajec-

tory hitting time of a daisy-
cutter."
If you're still reading this
while you wip'e your asses
with the $8 snow-scrapers that
are meant to clean off the
$2000 dollar windscreen of
your $ 45000 SUV that is
designed to protect you with a
$500,000 life insurance, then
be assured, I am proud of you.
I am proud of you for being
who you are. Kafirs of Kalama-
zoo. Infidels
of Indiana.
Liars of Las
Vegas, Hyp-
ocrites of
Houston.
Sacreligious
of Sacra-
m e n t o .
Core/periph-
ery thieves Waj Syed
and use-and-abuse pimps.
Kings without kingdoms, war-
riors without war, Your dollars
will be your downfall. Your oil
will fry you. Your dreams will
deny you. Your ignorance will
defy you. Your arrogance will
belie you.
Remember.Your college
degrees, your German cars,
your hegemonic dreams, your
licentiousness for liberty, your
golden wives and silvering
ideals, mean nothing. Ashes
and dust, shadows and shrieks,
doubt and death - these will be
your friends. Know them well.
Yooka Booka Looka Hooka.
That means die.
Infidels ... Just not invisi-
ble.

ou follow the wrong god.
You wear silly outfits.
Your countries are poor,
your culture is shit, your history is
pathetic. Your armies are com-
posed of a bunch of towel heads
cowering inside Soviet-era Russian
tanks, honestly believing that god
(a false one) will save you. Your
women are downtrodden, your
men are adulterers.
The long and short of it is this:
There's nothing right about you.
All of you.
We follow
the right God.
We wear
suits, ties,
black shoes.
We are rich in
wealth, cul-
ture and her-
kM anl R itage. Our
Manlsh Raiji armies are
strong, our women are free and our
men (ex-presidents aside) never
fuck outside the wedding band.
We are right. You are wrong.
So here's the deal. I've
explained who's next; Iran, Iraq,
North Korea. If there was any way
to make a bomb that targeted only
those that drop to their knees five
times a day, I'd build it. If there
was some way to pour Jesus into
your ears and capitalism into your
eyes, I'd do it. I'd rip off the hijabs,
pull off the beards and force some
good ol' American moonshine
down your throats.
I know, I know. "This isn't
about Islam," I claimed. "There is a
difference between Musims and
terrorists."
Bullshit. Those were sound
bites for the press and the Saudi
prince. I couldn't lose my allies, at
least in the beginning. As long as I
needs the Paks to launch my

Amer i c an
bombs, I
couldn't be
out-and-out
about you
heathens.
But now
that I've suc-
ce s sfulyk<
vacated that
despicable plot of nothingness
known as Afghanistan, I don't care
about that Democratic political
correctness. I can now speak the
truth, the God-inspired (not to be
confused with the "god"-inspired)
truth.
You call us infidels? You? A
people whose language looks like
gibberish and sounds like the
drunken screams of a rich Texan
fraternity boy at Yale? Whose
"god" permits you to marry four
times? Who had the audacity to
attack America?
I am George Walker Bush!
More powerful than your god,
because I have the Bible in one
hand and the trigger in the other. I
was baptized into America, fed
nicely on American soils (and
spoils). I was educated on the
Almighty (dollar); I ate the bread,
drank the wine (oh, did I ever drink
the wine!), read the Book.
Your god, your land, your lives
mean nothing to me. I loathe you
with the same intensity that you
loathe us. The difference is that my
loathing comes with a price: Your
heathenistic lives. You tried, you
failed, you died. You don't get a
fucking A for effort.
God bless America, God fuck
you. We'll kill you and laugh.
We'll go to heaven for it.
George W Bush can be reached via
e-mailatgbush2@umich.edu.

0.

Osama bin Laden can be
reached via e-mail at
obladen@umich.edu.

If you think we are serious then go fuck yourself. -Waj and Manish
V REAL LETTERS TO THE EDITOR

V IN PASSING

Man wants to know
if anyone wants a
Chinese friend
(JAN. 17, 2002) TO THE DAILY:
Hi,if you wanna make friends with Chi-
nese or wanna know more about China,
please contact with me. E-mail address:
bryankuang@yahoo.com
Father desires to
have fired cartoonist
rehired ke- thfs going to happen)
(FEB. 20, 2001) TO THE DAILY:
My son, Jason Polan, is a freshman at U of
M and up until last week was a contributing a
comic strip 'entitled "UM...." to the Daily. He
has done this type of art for several years, and
was very excited and pleased when Emily
Achenbaum, the editorial page editor at that
time, agreed last fall to accept his work for pub-
lication on the editorial page.

Trouble's abrewin' in Hawai'i,
could revolution be next?

THANKS FOR THE MEMORIES
We'd like to give special thanks to the
Daily's editorial board for a good year: Howard
Chung, Kevin Clune, Rachel Fisher, Seth Fish-
er, Johanna Hanink, Aubrey Henretty, John
Honkala, David Livshiz, Garrett Lee, Paul Neu-
man, Ari "Notable Quotable" Paul, Zac
Peskowitz, Jess Piskor, Manish Raiji, Rachel
Roth, Jim Secreto, Lauren Strayer and Amer G.
Zahr.
Thanks for interesting discussion, controver-
sation, debates.
For those who are staying on, best of luck
and make us proud.
Johanna, the page is in your hands. We
know you are going to do a great job and the
page will continue to improve. Keep it real.
Oh yeah, watch out for the crazies and the
loonies.
-Michael Grass and Nick Woomer
13 TRUTHS
The Pilgrims stopped in Plymouth to make
beer, the Judeo-Christian deity is not
omnibenevolent, Annie Oakley came within a
few inches of preventing World War I, Valen-
tine's Day was a Roman orgy, Marijuana is less
dangerous than tobacco, the first porn-star
helped invent cell phones, the creator of Won-
, -. .- 1~

0

TRY, WHILE YOU STILL CAN
If there's one thing I always wanted to say to
my peers at the University of Michigan it's
something along the lines of "get you heads our
of your asses." If you don't realize what you're
really here for - to trying really fucking hard to
change things for the better - you might as
well leave. Yeah, everyone wants to have sex
with secretaries in the halls of power, but get
ahold of yourselfl Investment banking won't
save the world, inequality exists, and you're all
going to die. So make the most of it while
you're still alive.
- Jim Secreto,
Grand Pubah of Campus Politics
HUMOR PUBLICATIONS' ATTACKS ON
PRETENTIOUSNESS SHOW PRETENSION
Everyone knows the grade school truism,
"takes one to know one." Well, the most recent
issue of the campus "humor" newspaper, "The
Every Three Weekly" showed its true colors
when it noticed what only the pretentious can
notice: pretension.
Not only has the Onion knock-off alienated
the majority of its readership with its alarming
expose, but it has also overlooked the benefits
of pretentiousness, such as elitist aloofness, con-
tempt for your fellow man, irony, name-drop-
ping, and the ability to order a world-class
r~~o i t~tt rivi.r nro 7n1 _ nru

(MARCH 31, 2001) To THE DAILY:
Hey from Hawai'i.
H elp!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm a student at the University of Hawaii
here in Honolulu. Hoping we can get out
some severely important information to all
Americans concerning native Hawai'ians.
To benefit a lot of suffering and dying,
native Hawai'ians livin in ghettos in poverty
and being illegally, militarily and economical-
ly, dominated by the United States of Ameri-
ca at this very moment.
Did you have any idea ?????????????
How about the beginnings of a violent
native Hawai'ian revolution for justice in
Hawaii??????????????
Violence in Hawai'i????????????????
Say what????????????????????
Several weeks ago a native Hawai'ian
activist drove his pickup truck up the side-
walk and into the center area of the state capi-
tol building in Honolulu and set it on fire to
explode the gas
tank!!!!!!!!!!!!I!t!t!I!!tIIII!I!I!!t!!tI!!I!!!!ttI
A desperate move to get some attention to
a desperate situation.
The police cleaned the situation up rapid-
ly, and the media gave vey little coverage to
this event at all, even here in Hawai'i.
Then we have the 17-year olf who
bombed and blew the fronts off several gov-
ernment buildings here including a social
security office.
Why did the media downplay these things
to the max??????????????????????
Are they afraid the tourist will stop com-.
ing to Hawai'i????????????????????
Guess who owns the media in Hawai'i?
Did any of yoy guys have any idea this

UL

IV: ANY000YQ
I-AM AWI"It4
C~a~wrr ,,
Me... OR.
rMt, MB...
L LOOK LkK

Al

KIMITSU YOGACHI/Daily
Madame Pele Is royally pissed off. The
molten anger of the Hawaian people
may be boiling over.
kind of stuff is going on in "paradise?" Down
the beach from Baywatch Hawaii or Hawaii
5-0, t.v. series?
So what's goin on????????
You thought Hawai'i was a part of the
United States? Guess what?
Like Sodam Hussein invaded Kuwait.
Like Milosovich invaded Kosvo.
Like Hitler invaded the world.
The United States invaded the Kindom of
Hawai'i, and overthrew the government, vio-
lating international law to the max.
KEoia KRAMMER
1625 Stillman Lane Apt. 2R
Honolulu, Hawaii, 96817

"An empty spot on the page saying nothing
of importance to anyone."
Unfortunately, Jason was informed on Feb.
8, 2001, in an e-mail from Peter Cunniffe, asso-
ciate editorial page editor, that his comic strip
"is essentially an empty spot on the page saying








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