The Michigan Daily - Friday, February 1, 2002 - 3
pokes girl in heart
MSA President Matt Nolan has
been cited in a Department of Public
Safety report as having "exposed his
genitalia" in the stacks of the Harlan
Hatcher Graduate Library. The
woman who reported the incident told
DPS that she was initially shocked
and revolted at being subject to such
an "unsightly organ," but added that
the disgust soon turned to pity once
sh realized how little there was to
see Nolan is currently being detained
in the DPS drunk tank.
A University freshman, unattractive
and lacking interpersonal skills, spent
another Saturday night alone in his
Mary Markley Residence Hall room,
furiously masturbating to the girls on
the PersianKitty.com website while
his roommate was out with his girl-
friend. A report was not filed.
food from buffet
DPS followed up on a request from
the Ann Arbor Police Department to
University alum Matthew S.
Schwartz. Schwartz is being pursued
by AAPD because of complaints from
the Hunan Express All-U-Can Eat
Buffet for stealing three pounds of
Sweet and Sour Pork and Mongolian
Beef. In his scheme, Schwartz would
enter the restaurant and heave spoon-
fuls of food into Tupperware contain-
ers. After DPS officers checked the
Bursley and West Quad dining halls
for Schwartz, it was learned that he is
now in Sandusky, Ohio, living in exile
as a struggling writer.
DPS assists INS
in deportation of
DPS reports indicate that officers
assisted Immigration and Naturaliza-
tion Service personnel in the removal
of LSA Dean Shirley Neuman from
the United States. As part of the
recently-broadened scope of the "War
on Terror," government officials raid-
ed her office and drover her to Wind-
sor where she was left on the
Ambassador Bridge. President George
W. Bush said that the removal of Neu-
man, a Canadian, is part of his cam-
paign to "smoke-out" traitors in the
American university system. RC stu-
dents were seen rejoicing on East Uni-
versity Avenue after the news broke
Louis Meizlish got laid (by Maria
Sprow). If that's not a crime, we don't
know what is.
'U' alum harasses
University alum Rob Maskin was
cited Tuesday evening for shouting
obscenities at Jerry Sprague, the
singer who performs the same,
played-out songs at Mitch's on South
University Avenue every Tuesday.
Maskin, described as extremely intox-
icated and picking at his face, was
heard shouting, "Fuck you, Jerry.
Learn some new fucking songs."
Police believe Maskin is behind other
campus crimes, including throwing a
brick at a Mazda Miata and is an al-
stolen, no lame
events, no one cares
The Calendar, a daily feature that
normally appears in this very spot,
was reported stolen last night,
according to DPS reports. It was
discovered missing when Calendar
editor Lisa Koivu attempted to add
another lame event that no one in
their right mind would ever even
-consider going to.
'Garbage Dick' is
sued over his
Garbage Dick sues The Bitch
over malicious defamation of char-
acter. DPS reported that Garbage
Dick was "dumb enough" to give
The Bitch his e-mail password, but
they agree nonetheless that Garbage
Dick's poking of the 5'3" bitch with
By Jeremy W. Peters
and Manish RaQii
Daily Gossip Columnists
In case you haven't already heard, two Uni-
versity students - referred to hereafter as
"Garbage Dick" and "Pequeno Cojones" (lit-
tle balls) - have had their email exchanges
widely dispersed to the University communi-
ty, thanks largely to the efforts of an embit-
tered ex-girlfriend and her supportive, albeit
misguided, sorority sisters.
Garbage Dick, obviously a person who
has had an extremely rough upper-class,
Jewish New York life and isn't afraid to
tell you about it, has become an unwilling
campus superstar thanks to a series of
emails now being spread relentlessly by the
largely "in state fag in schwag" student
The story behind the email is as follows:
Garbage Dick and his girlfriend - referred to
hereafter as "The Bitch" - had been on the
rocks for some time. Garbage Dick had cheat-
ed on The Bitch and had only stayed with her
because he had purchased a "non-refundable
plane ticket and hotel reservations on lake
tahoe with her." Clearly, with that much of
"Assuming things go well, you will meet her
and her huge-ass titties."
- Garbage Dick
An unnamed University student to his friend regarding his new girlfriend
mom and dad's money on the line, he wasn't
willing to leave her. The Bitch, meanwhile,
had been spreading herself thin too (if you
know what we mean), but Garbage Dick and
The Bitch stayed together, irrespective of her
However, as her nickname suggests, The
Bitch wasn't about to take the dissemination of
their mutual bodily fluids lightly - she went
out with a bang, literally and figuratively.
Garbage Dick, under the premise of love,
had given The Bitch his email password and
she had been monitoring his email for several
months before their fatal break-up. The last
straw for The Bitch was reading several
email exchanges between Garbage Dick and
Pequeno Cojones, wherein the sexual
exploitations of the two men were discussed
in disgusting depth.
The misogyny started when Pequeno
Cojones shared his tawdry doings with
Garbage Dick. Pequeno Cojones, who is cur-
rently studying abroad in Spain (and will
surely be sorry to come home) decided to
immerse himself in Spanish culture - in all
sense of the word.
While taking Spanish dance lessons, he
seduced his "vociferous" teacher - referred
to hereafter as "Damn!" During one of their
heated trysts, Damn! began to yelp at
Pequeno Cojones in Spanish, just "like a
good girl should." Pequeno Cojones, appar-
ently taken aback, stopped his gyrating to
ask for a translation, to which Damn! replied
that he was "driving her nuts." Satisfied with
his minstrations, Pequeno Cojones continued
on into what one can only imagine was cer-
tainly orgasmic bliss.
Garbage Dick, though clearly unsettled
by the drift between himself and The
Bitch, wasn't to be outdone on the sexual
\ 1 /
Damn! screaming out (in Spanish, of course) to Pequeno
Cojones in a fit of sexual frenzy. Apparently, size does not
matter to Damn!
After banging a "jap" (an Asian girl, not to be confused
with a Jewish-American Princess), he found himself a new
love. She is "a jewish mother's dream ... a tight little
package," who is "totally dope 5' 3" 105 lbs huge tits per-
fect shape and loves the Id (long dong)."
We're happy for you, Garbage Dick and hope that rela-
tionship is progressing well. We wonder, just as Pequeno
Cojones did, if "your dick poke(s) her heart."
One month later,
forgotten at 'U'
By Nick Bunkley
Daily Managing News Dictator
Exactly one month after Lee
Bollinger left his job as the Univer-
sity president to become head hon-
cho at Columbia University,
everyone in Ann Arbor has com-
pletely forgotten him.
"Lee who?" University spokes-
woman Julie Peterson said after
being woken up by a Daily reporter
last night. "I don't know who
you're talking about. You say he
was president here for four years?
That doesn't even make sense. Why
would someone be president of the
University of Michigan and then
just leave after four years? Stop
harassing me with these stupid
questions. No one is that vain."
Since Bollinger's departure from
the Universityon Jan: 31 he has
been heading up a charity project.
He will be walking from Michigan
to New York to raise money for the
Lee Bollinger Needs A Bigger
"Since the regents wouldn't give
me the $2 mil I wanted to stay at
Michigan, I decided to try to get the
money myself," Bollinger said from
a pay phone in Erie, Pa. "By the
time I get to New York, I should
have enough to stay at Columbia for
at least two to three months before I
ask for another raise or threaten to
But back in Ann Arbor, where
former Business School Dean B.
Joseph White has taken over for
Bollinger as interim president until
the regents finally admit that they
want him here permanently, no one
"The University was going to
name the Life Sciences Institute
after him if he would have stayed
another 10 years," said B. Joe,
"but now I think he's just going to
get one of those ugly fences on the
Diag. After all, he put them
Bollinger's departure means the
University's top two administrative
positions are currently vacant.
Provost Nancy Cantor skipped town
last summer to become chancellor of
the University of Illinois' campus in
"I didn't even know what the hell
a chancellor does, much less where
Illinois was," Cantor said yesterday.
"But then they said the part about
the champagne, and I packed my
bags. Goodbye students!"
Paul Courant has stepped in as
interim provost until a permanent
provost is named.
"People make a big fuss about
having two of our top leaders leave
at the same time," Courant said.
"But it's really no big deal, because
the secret is that the provost doesn't
really do anything. I just have to
wear one of those fancy robes at
graduation and shine the president's
shoes once a week."
Bollinger, however, did make one
"Let's face it. I had one foot out the
door once I accepted the job as presi-
dent here. Can you say 'stepping
stone?"' he said.
Daily News Editor Jeremy W. Peters and Daily Sports Editor Raphael Goodstein
pontificate over absolutely nothing. We were drunk.
Gh.4.. c:..: ......:: 5.%. .1 . .:. .: