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One hundred eleven years ofeditorialfree-wheeling, independence and aggression

Friday
February 1, 2002

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Grounds
worker to
take job at
Columbia
By Rachel Peters
For The Ann Arbor News
After losing its president and several
other top officials in recent months,
the University suffered another major
loss yesterday with the announcement
that grounds maintenance worker Jere-
my Green will step down to accept a
position at Columbia University.
With most top positions now filled
on only an interim basis, the Universi-
ty is now teetering on the brink of
anarchy, with South Quad cafeteria
supervisor Larry Jones left as the
highest ranking permanent official on
campus.
Green apologized for leaving the Uni-
versity during its transition and said
Columbia officials asked him to round
out Lee Bollinger's new administration.
"I did not intend to be a candidate. It
was a life course decision that I made.
with my wife after a lot of careful
thought," he said. "And I figured out
that Columbia's got a hell of a lot less
grounds to take care of, them being in
New York City and all."
Green's announcements shocked
students across campus yesterday.
"When I first visited campus as a
senior in high school, Green went by on
one of those tiny little trucks they drive
around on the Diag," said LSA sopho-
more Louise Meizlish. "Right then and
there I decided I wanted to come to a
university where they had little trucks
driving around all the time."
Green is the sixth top official to leave
the University recently and the second
to join Bollinger at Columbia.
"I told the boys at Columbia - who are
paying me a hell of a lot of money, by
the way -that I wouldn't come unless I
could bring Jeremy with me," Bollinger
said. He did a great job mowing my
lawn one time. And now that I don't
have a lawn in New York, well maybe
I'll just have him use that little truck of
his to pick up kegs for all the parties I'm
going to throw at the mansion."
The University will now conduct a
search for Green's replacement. The
See ICE CREAM, Page 2
Boflinger
loots the
President s
House
By David Brandon
Domino's Pizza Guy

You thought they couldn't do it, but they did

By Opera Luke
Where are you?
Campus activists declared victory yesterday as
peace was achieved in the Middle East, Nike
declared bankruptcy and cancer was eradicated.
Meanwhile, in a surprising story of failure,
BAMN managed to only muster three-quarters of
the means necessary to successfully defend affir-
mative action and fight for equality and integra-
tion.
"We thought yelling and marching around a lot

would really make a difference," said one BAMN
leader, 47, who is not a student. Wait a minute,
come to think of it, none of them are students!
The announcement that Israel had brokered a
peace deal with the Palestinians was made last
night, just hours after Ariel Sharon and Yasser
Arafat stepped aside to allow Jewish and Arab
students at the University to negotiate.
"We knew that if they just letpus students try to
negotiate, we'd have no problem settling this 54-
year violent conflict," said one Palestinian
activist.

"We students, thousands of miles away from
the actual Middle East, know far more than these
political leaders with years of experience," said
an Israeli activist.
The group that managed to single-handedly
destroy Nike, Students Organizing for Labor and
Economic Equality, also known as SOLE, even
though they should really be called SOLEE,
attributed their victory to taking over enough
administrative offices to make their views known.
"Taking over offices is what we do best," said
one student. "However, we will not rest until all

citizens of the United States are making exactly
$14.73 an hour, no matter how trivial or impor-
tant their job."
Perhaps the greatest success story of the day
belonged to University Students Against Cancer,
which strategically utilized cheers at football
games in combination with several newspaper
ads to defeat cancer.
"We have to admit, they really knew what they
were doing," said the president of the group's
campus rival, University Students In Favor Of
Cancer.

Sucks to be this kid

Storm brings ice,
sleet, snow, rain,
fire, brimstone,


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pudding.

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White,
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Sororty
Of Cana
Well, the headline pretty much says it all.
- The Associated Press
contributed to this report.

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trash

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-D) L

Some boring research
story about nothing

Interim President B. Joseph White
said he was "shocked and disturbed"
by what he discovered when he
entered the President's House on South
University Avenue yesterday.
"I was' just, uh, checking on the
place - really," White said, clutching
a set of blueprints and a tape measure.
Although White is not living in the
mansion during his term, he has been
throwing weekly dinner parties there.
"I went to the house last night to get
ready for (another) soiree honoring
Matt Nolan, and when I walked in the
door ..: nothing was left. (Former
* President Lee Bollinger) took every-
thing - the bed frames, the mattress-
es, even the little knobs on the kitchen
drawers," White said. "How am I sup-
posed to throw a fancy party without a
wine rack?"
White said he called DPS as soon as
he realized that the house had been
looted.
"I had to go next door to the
Clements Library just to use the
phone," he said. "He took those too."
DPS spokeswoman Diane Brown
said Bollinger is the prime suspect in
the investigation of the robbery, and the
University will be pressing charges.
"We know he did it," she said,
adding that the former president still
owes seven overdue books to the Har-
lan Hatcher Graduate Library and
about $300 for his Entree Plus
account.
"That man loved his Subway turkey

By Slut H
Daily Research Non-Reporter

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Researchers at the University announced yes-
terdgiy the discovery of a new genome on the sev-;
enth cromosome that links with tone-deafness.,
"The is a tremendous achievement for the Uni-
versity community," said David Trumpet, head +
researcher for the Chromosome and Hearing
Research Committee. "A capella groups nation-
wide can now rejoice because tone deaf individu-1
als will be told of their ineptitudes before they
can even speak, let alone sing.j
A team of eight research who have been work-;
ing on this project since 1995 said they are
Maybe GEO ha

pleased with the expediency of their findings.
"We have been competing against Michigan
State on this project and I am thrilled to say that
we were indeed the first to locate the proper
gene," Trumpet said, adding that MSU's
announcement in 1999 that they had located the
proper gene had actually been the gene that
determines dyslexia.
By the way, I understand if you don't want to
read this anymore - really, it's OK. I know it's
boring. It's certainly not grabbing my attention,
let alone yours. Go ahead, do it -the crossword
puzzle, I mean. Really. It's on page 6. Have fun,
and think of me while you answer number 17
across.

a new contract,
maybe they don't
The Graduate Employees Organization's contract with the
University either was extended last night or expired today.
We don't know because we didn't ask.
The University and members of the graduate student
instructors union have been involved in last-minute negotia-
tions this week and GEO's Central Campus membership
was scheduled to vote last night whether to extend the cur-
rent contract.
Unfortunately for you, you'll have to wait until Monday to

This issue commemorates
the final night for the Daily's
seniors.' If you haven't.
noticed by now, we took a
few liberties with today's
paper. OK, fine, we made it
all up. But we had a great
time, and the Daily gave us
all four years of great times
and great friends as well as
a lifetime of memories.
So read on, and we hope
you laugh as much as we did
putting it together. If you
hate it, tough. Don't bother
complaining to us; we don't
work here anymore.

Beware of slipping and falling because you may turn Into a horse. This time-elapsea photo aepicts
an unidentified University student falling unknowingly before a Daily photographer yesterday. Too

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