The Michigan Daily - Thursday, November 8, 2001- 9A
ELITE ENTERTAINMENT EXPOSITION
Teen line, this is
Nitro; Back in Zack
I. Billboard top 10 selling albums I
B y the time I grab my books and
I give myself a look, I'm at the
corner just in time to see the
bus fly by. I 777
ing at the bus
stop with my illit-
erate friend Deke
Simmons only to
watch the big yel-
low bus drive by,
leaving Deke and
me in the cold. I : :"
ing outside of the
prom, near a can- Luke
dlelit table that I Smith
set up for me and
Suzanne. I Less Than
Henry, only to Zero
have him pass
away unfortunately before my big
cross country meet. It was dishearten-
ing when Suzanne started working at
The Max, and ended up falling for
that hunk Jeff. I remember sneaking
into the Attic with my fake ID to try
and date a college chick, Danielle.
My friends and I tried to make
spaghetti sauce, and then Punky
showed up and ruined it for us all.
Regardless, high school served as lit-
tle more than a gateway into the now..
A life revolving around the NYPD
and your boss, a chubby detective
How did this happen? How did we
go from toga-partying on TBS and
WGN for two hours each afternoon
with Zack and the gang to the violent
streets of New York, where Steven
Bochco is God and had you shot in
your first episode. Oh Mark-Paul,
where did it all go wrong? The mar-
keting wizards at "NYPD Blue" sure-
ly figured to capitalize on the addition
of early-'90s pop-culture icon Mark-
Paul Gosselaar. He brings a whole
generation of devoted "Saved by the
Bell"-ites with him, essentially guar-
anteeing them ratings. Well, not real-
I got trapped by "NYPD Blue's"
season premiere and caught myself
transfixed by seeing Zack on televi-
sion. I haven't followed "NYPD
Blue" at all (just, "Blue" to true fans)
in its too many seasons on ABC. I've
watched a few episodes here and there
(the one's where it warns/advertises
for partial nudity), but I don't know
jack about the show. All I know now
*is that The Zack Morris and all his
caboodling has come to roost with
New York's finest.
I sat inexplicably transfixed in front
of my television, waiting for Zack to
call "timeout,",instead he took a bullet
on behalf of New York. I was amazed,
Zack Morris taking a bullet? Is this
the same Zack Morris that fled two
"gangsters" in a mall after they found
$5,000? Nope, this isn't the same
Zack, this is Steven Bochco's Zack.
Bochco didn't even have the balls to
Vlet Zack say "timeout," thus, two
hours of my life were wasted.
The ability of the "Saved by the
Bell" cast to defy simple logic is
irrefutable. Zack Morris managed to
move from Indiana to California, to
some Bay named Hyperion and has
now dropped himself in New York. Of
these moves it is the first that is the
most quizzical. Conventional rules
*can't describe it, there is no explana-
tion to "the Indiana, Conspiracy," it
just happened. I know the corporate
powers that were at NBC bought the
rights to "Good Morning Miss Bliss"
and then shipped the show off into a
California high school named Bay-
side. Never mind those of us wonder-
ing how Carrie Bliss was up for
teacher of the year in the Hoosier
State one day, and Zack and the gang,
(at least half of it) had moved to Cali.
What happened to 'Mikey and Nikki?
Did NBC have a problem with magi-
cally transporting them out to Califor-
nia on the same carpet that rushed
everyone else out West.
And why in God's name did Carrie
Bliss not get to go? Were Hayley
Mills' contract demands too much to
afford her the luxury of a California
condo. Instead they brought Richard
Belding along, and eventually, for one
night only,i they brought in the non-
committal Rod Belding.
Eventually the kids graduated,
launching an entirely new paradoxical
missile. A.C. Slater was supposed to
go to Iowa to wrestle, but instead
wound up in college with Zack and
Screech. How did Zack and Screech
end up in school together. Screech
had Ivy League written all over him,
being co-Valedictorian with Jessie
(who may have ended up at Stans-
bury)only helped his transcripts. It
could have been Zack's 1502 on his
SAT that powered him into California
University. So, Albert Clifford,
Screech and Zack are all together
again at the all-too fictitious "Califor-
nia University," and it's really to the
surprise of absolutely no one. Again
though, like they did with "the Indi-
ana Conspiracy" the "Saved By the
Bell" producers and writers offer us
no explanation, nor have they
returned my phone calls for the last
The maze of mystery turns even
sharper when Kelly Kapowski returns
from her NBC TV deep freeze and
happens to move in next door with
Leslie. Burke and Alex. Leslie's father
was one of the chief contributors to
California University -the library is
named after him (so it's no real secret
why she got into CU). The show gets
even more unrealistic when Zack and
friends are seen sitting in an Anthro-
pology class awake. This phenomenon
single handedly undermined the real-
ism of the entire show.
Now, realism seems to be the aim
of one Zack Morris. His ascension to
"NYPD Blue," could be some sort of
coming of age for him as an actor.
This could be his opportunity to break
out of the typecast Zack Morris that
he was, in a market that perhaps will
see him as something different. He
sank twice on the WB, once with
"Hyperion Bay" and then with the
even shorter-lived "D.C." which I cer-
tainly don't remember making a blip
even on the suckass TV portion of the
radar. But now Mark-Paul is looking
for success and superceding his role
as the free-wheeling honky prankster.
But how serious can you take an
actor who had a band named Zack
- Luke Smith is glad he could pay
James to play his father and write this
column for him. Ifyou are an aspiring
actor and would like to play his father
email him at firstname.lastname@example.org
1. The Great Depression, DNIX - Yeah, DMX and every
music critic (and everyone with at least one ear) is depressed
because this CD beat Enya.
2. Morning View, Incubus -- This is kind of like that feel-
ing guys get in the morning, that prevents them from peeing.
3. A Day Without Rain, Enya - If the damn dirty apes
ever really take over the world, we may just see this little beauty
popping up in film.
4. God Bless America, Various Artists - Hey, if God is
really on our side, how come this album fell three spots?
5. Pain is Love, Ja Rule - Alright, point taken, Ja really,
really loves his fans.
6. Live in Chicago, Dave Matthews Band - If you like
this ass-sucking crap, consider yourself off my Christmas list
7. Silver Side Up, Nickelback - Do you think these guys
got together and decided to be this bad? Do they practice not
getting too good?
8. Hybrid Theory, Linkin Park - In the end, after a'll the
fan-fare and critical acclaim, this album is still sub-par to my
own feces. Get it?
9. 8701, Usher - Have you played Grand Theft Auto 3 for
PS2? God, does that game rock. Seriously, when you use the
rocket launcher on a helicopter? It's the bonb-diggity.
10. Totally Hits 2001, Various Artists - You know who
I'd like to, like, totally hit? Everyone that had anything to do
with this CD, especially the parents of the bands.
Courtesy of Un/Oef Jam
This is truly a depressing day.
Weekend box office results
Figures in millions of dollars.
1. Monsters Inc. (62.6) This much dough opening week
and Lynch doesn't even appear on the chart? Eisner, Lucifer
is coming for your soul.
2. The One (19.1) Just like "The Matrix," only the star of
this waste of time speaks better English than Neo.
3. Domestic Disturbance (14.0) In the preview, it looks
like Vinnie is punching me!
4. K-PAX (10.1) I liked this movie the first time I saw it
when it was called "Killer Clowns from Outer Space."
5. 13 Ghosts (7.9) When you remake a really bad movie,
you should at least make Shannon Elizabeth take off her
6. Riding in Cars With Boys (4.1) I can't wait for
"Charlie's Angels 2" and the downfall of Western society,
which should be concurrent.
7. From Hell (6.0) Well, it's not where we came from, it
probably is where we are going.
8. Training Day (3.0)1 have to train myself to think of
some new jokes for this one.
9. Bandits (2.8) Blanchett, from oscar nominated actor to
cheap American accents and Billy-Bob in a Neil Young wig.
She's not allowed back in England.
10. Serendipity (2.4) If romantic comedies were STDs,
this flick would be genital warts.
O'R EILLY PISSES OFF
CLOONEY - Fox News personali-
ty Bill O'Reilly has been bashing
Hollywood concerning the dona-
* fl tions collected at the celebrity
fund-raiser for the victims of the
Sept. 11 attacks. Entertainment
elope." He went Weekly reports that O'Reilly
can do without claimed that the millions of dol-
hate about our lars collected at the event has yet
the elitism. So- . to reach any of the victims. Days
private jets and later he called the celebrities
and dietitians involved "weasels" for not
om Cruise is a answering his accusations. Actor
as eight body- George Clooney, who helped
oot ten, which organize the fund raiser, wrote
k even more O'Reilly an angry letter, explain-'
i absolute joke. ing that the funds were all
ortant.",It has accounted for and being distrib-
the Irish actor's uted in a timely fashion, so the
provoked by entire fund is not depleted at
nt that she was once. O'Reilly retorted that
a completely Clooney himself probably did not
even write the letter, but had his
publicist do it.
ASON SLOW TO
urth season of MORE SEX. MORE LIES. MORE
acclaimed mob VIDEOTAPE -- Super-director
SECOND EPISODE HI TEASER
TO PREMIERE WITH HARRY POT-
TER - The second teaser trailer
for "Star Wars: Attack of the
Clones" will appear before
"Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's
Stone" when it opens on Nov. 16.
The Internet Movie Database
reports that the original teaser,
which is currently running with
Pixar's "Monsters, Inc.," is appar-
ently only the first part of the
teaser trailer. The first teaser con-
sists of brief shots from various
parts of the film set against the
sound of Darth Vader's breathing.
RICHARD HARRIS CRITICIZES
ACTORS AT "HARRY POTTER"
PREMIERE - Richard Harris,
who plays the wizard Dumbledore
in "Harry Potter and the Sorcer-
er's Stone," attacked modern
movie stars at the London pre-
miere of the adaptation of the
J.K. Rowling novel. According to
Zap2it.com, Harris claimed that
actors today are "spoiled" and
that actors today "would go to the
opening of an env
on to say that "We
(actors). What I1
business today is t
called stars ride in
rand beauticians. T
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guards, all six ft
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diminutive. It's an
Actors are unimp
been reported that
proud to have
START - The fo
drama "The Sopra
slated to start airir
been pushed back
TV Guide report
winning writers R
that the show wo
duction on its mu
fourth season this
the new episodes v
Sept. 2002. This
will make the shoN
CBS - Former
Clinton will make
debut as a fiction
CBS crime dram
Guide reports Clin
play himself in "A
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Chulumsky as a t
pling with cancer.(
play the head of a]
time this season.
coJuI rteyo arl
Damn, that "Star Wars" trailer ruled!
Stephen Soderbergh ("Traffic,"
the upcoming "Oceans 11") is
working on a sequel to his indie
break-through "Sex, Lies, and
Videotape. The film, starring
Julia Roberts, David Duchoyny,
David Hyde Pierce, Cathrine
Keener and Blair Underwood is
having trouble finding a title that
sticks. The original title, "How to
Survive a Hotel Room Fire," was
nixed after the attacks on Sept.
11, and changed to "The Art of
Negotiating a Turn." Zap2it.com
reports that the director is now
considering another change, nam-
ing the film "Full Frontal."
DID YOU KNOW?
In 1995's "Toy Story," Woody is
trapped in evil Sid's house. The
carpet texture on Sid's hallway
floor is identical to that of the
Overlook Hotel's in Stanley
Kubrick's 1980 horror film "The
ng in April, has
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Clinton is set to
law firm some-
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Soderbergh and his leverage.
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