4D - Wednesday, September 5, 2001-- The Michigan Daily - New Student Edition




FOREIGN LANDO
Dagobah: Ideal romantic hideaway?

By Luke Smith
Daily Music Editor
Adventure, excitement - a Jedi
craves not these things.
Somewhere in my travels at point-five
past light speed, a few days after com-
pleting another Kessel Run (in less than
five parsecs of course) I stumbled upon
a galactic hideaway. Sure people are
gonna think Tatooine's two suns making
it perfect for baking on the sands, as'
long as you can avoid that Sarlaac mon-
ster. And yeah, Hoth's skiing is second
to none, and no one can beat the com-
mercial hub that is Coruscant. But all of
these are obvious, you are gonna run
into all kinds of Rodians, Calamarians
and Imperials at all these locations, I
mean who wants to deal with Greedo's
angry brother? I sure as hell don't. I
mean ever since I defeated Palpatine
and saved my father on Endor, the
Imperials have gotten so damn pesky,
it's like every time I turn around I have
some white helmeted turdburglar in my
face. Alas, I digress. This haven of
spring break is inhabited by just one
tiny little alien, and it is Dagobah.. his
blue dead guy, well he is alive in the
Force, but yeah, he is dead, told me
about it.
When picking an ideal vacation spot
for my girl and I, a few things must be
considered.
Privacy: Darling, we need our
time just the two of us (you and I), we
need to be isolated. If we're going on a
getaway vacation together, I think it
needs to be just us, and maybe a three-
foot-tall alien with big-ass ears. I need
this break so bad; being a Jedi is rough
stuff, I mean people always asking to
see my lightsaber (author's note: show-
ing off your lightsaber may be illegal in
certain galactic parameters, be cau-
tious). Girl, I want someplace private,
whete I don't have to worry about my
lightsaber just being out all the time,
and it makes it easier for you if you

want to turn it on, just to push a button
anyways.
Climate: Or "Climb-It," for you
ladykilling Jedi. A warm locale is criti-
cal. If we are going to be alone together
constantly, baby, those clothes can be a
bit of a pain in the butt. The less we
have to wear the easier it is anyways, to
practice the Jedi arts of course. I mean
that speed running, and high jumping
stuff is a bitch in those canvas tan pants
you are always wearing. So enjoy the
heat and lose them.
Fine dining: Food and lodging.
Listen babe, my salary as a galactic pro-
tector isn't very high, but we can still
splurge and stay in a comfortable, rustic
hut, and have a great host. I mean, Mas-
ter Yoda makes some seriously killer
soups in that cookpot.
Sightseeing: Every Jedi needs to
get out of the bedroom on a romantic
getaway, because guys, let's face it, we
can't have that lightsaber on all the time.
Even the most powerful human Jedi in
the galaxy has a refractory period.
Dagobah has an eclectic wildlife popu-
lation, and if your girl can take a few
snakes, (which is a rare quality in inter-
ga'.ctic women these days) a nice walk
through the forest is always nice. The

steamy forest and moist air will remind
your lady constantly of what its like to
be the lover of a Jedi. "Girl, the air is so
thick here, I can hardly breathe, I need
your oxygen." Try it. I promise you. I'm
a Jedi, like I don't know these things.
Sightseeing (Appendix): When
spelunking in the dim caves of Dagob-
ah, be sure to watch out for your father
creeping through the darkness trying to
kill you. You could never save Leia -
who you are latently attracted too,
despite the fact that she is your sister -
if you died.
® Lodging: On my romantic spring
break getaway I don't really plan on
leaving the room too much, so a lavish
room is vital. Cushioned sleeping mats
are excellent, and when that air cools in
the early eve', and she rolls into your
arms, completely spent from a long day
of 'training.' Priceless. Except what the
hell do I do with that arm while I am
spooning her? I mean I could just throw
it over my head, but my arm comes out
of socket sometimes.
My X-Wing is built for two. R2. And,
yeah this little droid and I have been
through a lot, I wouldn't trade it for the
world. Girl, I wouldn't trade you for any
world either.

Courtesy of 20th Century Fox
Nothing gets the pheromones pumping like Degobah at Sunset. Right Luke?
Dagobah

Endor

Get back to nature in Ewok village

By Jeff Dickerson
Daily TV/New Media Editor
My dear friends, this is your hour. This is not victory
of a party or of any class. It's a victory of the great
Rebel Alliance as a whole. We were the first, in this vast
universe, to draw the lightsaber against tyranny. After a
while we were left all alone against the most tremendous
military power that has been seen.
There we stood, alone. Did anyone want.-to give in?
Were we terrified of the Empire? The hidden base on
Hoth was destroyed and our efforts were in disarray. But
every man, wookie and droid in the Alliance had no
thought of quitting the struggle. Alderaan can take it. So
we came back after long months from the asteroid field,
out of the Sarlaac, while all the universe wondered.
When shall the reputation and faith of this generation of
Rebel men and women fail? I say that in the long years
to come not only will the people of these forces but of
the entire Rebel Alliance, wherever the mynock of free-
dom chirps in Rebel hearts, look back to what we've
done and they will say, "Can someone get this walking
carpet out of my way?"
I am one distraught wookie. I feel I must articulate my
thoughts on the way I have been portrayed during the
rise of the Rebel Alliance. I, Chewbacca, am appalled at
the derogatory manner in which I have been shown. Why
am f not revered for my leadership skills and military
tactics? What happened to my eloquent monologues fol-
lowing our hasty exit of the Mos Eisley spaceport? And
to where did my long soliloquy to Han in Jabba's palace
go? You can imagine the dismay I encountered after
learning all my spoken lines were forgotten by my fellow
freedom fighters. Despite my heroic deeds, I'm still
thought of as a "walking carpet."
The Rebel Alliance should, I think, take formal cog-
nizance of the liberation of Endor by the Rebel forces
under'the Command of General Madine, with Admiral
Ackbar of the Mon Calamarians and General Lando Cal-
rissian in command of the Millennium Falcon. This is a
memorable and glorious event, which rewards the
intense fighting on the forest moon of Endor and the
destruction of the second Death Star. The losses on both

sides during the intergalactic war were heavy - the
Allies losing about 20,000,000 men, and the Empire
about 25,000,000 men. Now we have emerged from one
deadly struggle. What I ask, do we do?
I for one am taking a vacation.
My struggle for recognition leaves me to believe I
would best be suited among my fellow furred friends,
the ewoks. On Endor I am respected. I belong. I am one
with Wicket and Chief Chirpa. Now that the forest moon
has been deprived of Empire domination, I can live
without reservation. Goodbye, Han Solo. I will miss
you, old friend. Forget my wookie life debt, Han; my
work is finished. Goodbye, Luke Skywalker. I will
always thank you for rescuing Han from the clutches of
Jabba. This is where I belong, among the towering
foliage, where I can raise a family and start life anew.
Go ahead and enjoy life on Dagobah, young Skywalker,
moving to Endor to get some "walking carpet" of my
own.

What a wookie wants, what a wookie needs.

ALL WE HAVE TO SAY
ABOUT THAT IS
ASPHINCTERSAYS WHAT?"
W/HAT? ~7:.i