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4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, October 11, 2001b
The University is the best dating service around

The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine

ELITE ENTERTAINMENT, ExPoSITIO


By Daniel Kim
For the Daily

"A dating service is for people who
are very desperate and anti-social," said
LSA freshman Tal Masserman.
Many of us look down on dating ser-
vices and are quick to pass judgment to
its users. But really, how much do we
know about dating services? How many
of us wish we had the guts to try a dat-
ing service without worrying what oth-
ers might think? So on behalf of all

University students I decided to venture
into this unfamiliar frontier.
I called the listed services in the yel-
lowpages, introduced myself as a
reporter, and asked if I could procure an
interview. Only Irene's Old Fashion
Matchmaking Service said yes, and I
talked to the matchmaker named - yes,
you guessed it - Irene.
With over 350 marriages in her 42
years of service, Irene emphasized the
important difference between a dating
service and a matchmaking service.

Her telephone-based matchmaking
service is not for people wanting a casu-
al date; "it's for people who want a com-
mitted relationship," said Irene. Her
patrons include teachers, psychiatrists,
clergymen and even parents looking fof-
their children's spouses.
However, I wasn't completely satis-
fied with Irene's answers; her comments
could well have been biased. So I decid-
ed to turn to an unbiased expert, perhaps
someone from the academia.
Professor Ahuvia of the Dearborn

campus, who has studied dating services
in depth, said "women in the 30s make
up'the greatest percentage of dating ser-
vice users." He added that dating ser-
vice users are "choosers," as opposed to
"losers" that we think they are, who are
"outgoing with higher than average self-
esteem." Sometimes private matchmak-
ers can be a bit pricey upto $5,000.
For those looking for a low cost and
low risk way of finding a date, there are
the online dating services.
I discovered an online dating service
that was actually Ann Arbor based. But
when I contacted the founder Nathan
Bonfiglio -- a University alumnus -- I
was told that "it was a total joke." The
website had some humorous profiles of
date seekers, like Francisco, a hermaph-
roditic 22-year-old who loves the name
Katherine.
After talking with a matchmaker,
emailing with an expert and checking
out the online dating services, I still was-
n't satisfied with my performance in
exploring dating services.
I realized that what I had to do was to

i

experience it in person. So I registered
mysdf at a free online dating service
www.dating.com. My profile read:
A college student with good build
looking for casual dating. Enjoy surfing,
rock climbing, and playing the sax.
Loves listening to oldies and talking
about short fiction.
I waited patiently for almost two
weeks for my date. Disappointingly, the
only response I ever received was a wel-
come e-mail from the service adminis-
trator. Maybe I shouldn't have men-
tioned that I like oldies.
Despite my failure at finding a casual
date through a dating service, I still have
my hopes high on the University. As
President Lee Bollinger said in last
year's graduation speech, many would
agree that the University is one of the
greatest schools in the world, perhaps
because "what we really operate is a suc-
cessful dating service attached to an
educational institution."
So here are my final words to anyone
still dateless: keep on, keepin' on. And
go to your classes.

Before Napster was ripped away
from us by the RIAA's corporate
whore-mongers, we could all
enjoy the downloaded luxury of that

one song, not nec-
essarily a good
song, but a song
that for some rea-
son or another
stuck in our heads.
Many songs on our
Winamp playlists
are simply nostal-
gic blasts from
musical past, early
-mid-'90s "radio
staples." Songs
like "Cotton Eye
Joe" and "Flagpole
Sitta" appear
instead of actually
having a hard copy
of Rednex or

Luke
Smith
Less Than
Zero

One hit blunders or
the allowance -takers

r

The University' of Michigan Depression Center
and the Department of Psychiatry
are pleased to host
National Depression Screening Day
October 11, 2001
Riverview Outpatient Facility
900 Wall Street, Ann Arbor

S

* Screenings from 8:00-10:00 am & 4:00-6:00 pm
* Physician presentation and Q&A at 8:30 am & 4:30 pm
" Individualized screening feedback meetings with clinical staff
" Depression literature and a list of community resources/referrals
* Refreshments provided


Please contact Sarah Newlin at (734) 763-7495 for further information.
$10Rush Tickets on sale 10 am - 6 pm
the day of the performance or the Friday
before a weekend event at the UMS Ticket
Office.
50% Rush Tickets on sale beginning
90 minutes before the event at the
Performance Hall Box Office.

Harvey Danger on tape. And all of us
(yeah, ALL of us) have heard a song on
the radio and rushed to some over-
priced retail outlet and gotten a copy of
the album only to find that the rest of
the record sucks ass. We have fallen
pray to the deception of the Satan over-
seeing the record industry, the One Hit
Blunder.
The One Hit Blunder is solely
responsible for the loss of three week's
allowance (at the Smith family rate of
$5/week) on a cassette. (Author's Note:
I stopped getting an allowance when
CDs came out, because I had a real job
th'en). A One Hit Blunder is the song
we heard on the radio and for some
-reason or another the damn thing got
stuck in our heads and wouldn't leave
till we bought the CD, only to realize
how terrible the rest of it was.
The advent and subsequent attempt-
ed retraction of musical file sharing
has slowed the process and the idiocy
of purchasing a Joan Osborne record,
however, now with Napster and friends
on the fritz we could be soon regress-
ing and falling again into the One Hit
Blunder. So, it is with a heavy heart
that I remind us all and myself what it
could be like and more importantly
what it was like in my cassette player
and yours, "Back in the Day" (yeah
that's Ahmad, and that's starting things
off).
"Cumbersome," Seven Mary
Three - This single generated a bid-
ding war over what label would get to
sign Seven Mary Three, oft hailed in
alternative circles as the then-heirs
apparent to Pearl Jam's throne. Yeah,
that was a giant mistake. Just like buy-
ing American Standard was.
"Whoomp! (There it Is)," Tag
Team --Yes, I owned the tape, yes you
did too. But only one of us had to look
online to see the correct punctuation
and spelling of"Whoomp!" in the title.
"Three Little Pigs," Green
Jelly - And the wolf cried "Little pig
little pig let me in - to your frickin'
wallet" and indeed he did. This fad

song from a bad band huffed and
puffed and certainly blew.
"What's Up," 4 Non Blondes
- MTV even said enough is enough
when it banned one of the worst songs
of all time, not to mention one of the
worst videos. And it was definitely the
worst hat of all time.
"Fly," Sugar Ray - Atlantic
must've demanded that Sugar Ray have
a single on Floored (their unfortunate
break-thru album) and "Fly" was defi-
nitely it. The damn song sounds noth-
ing like any other song on the record, a
technique since copied countless times
by bands at least as bad as McGrath
and Co.
"Roll to Me" Del Amitri -
MTV seems blatantly responsible for
selling a lot of these albums. In the
case of Del Amitri they did just that.
Full grown men, posing as babies get-
ting pushed around in strollers. Badass.
(Read: Sucked ass).
"MMM MMM MMM
MMM," Crash Test Dummies -
Once there was this song that, had a
shitty singer and then sold some
albums, and whe-eh-en he finally came
to, he sucked, and sold out all of his
friends. (You totally sang along with
that.)
a "Everything About You," Ugly
Kid Joe - Indeed, although we
bought your record, I now hate every-
thing about Joe too.
M "Sex and Candy," Marcy
-Playground - Sex and candy would
be a pretty weird smell I think. Bodily
fluids and rich milk chocolate, creamy
nuget and bad song.
"To Be With You," Mr. Big -
I'm the one who wants to - for the
love of God will you turn off the tape
player. Never was good, and you still
bought it. See Also: Extreme's "More
than. Words."
"Two Princes," Spin Doctors
- It's almost like this catagory was
built for the Doctors. One big hit, that I
still hear on the radio, and an album
full of filler. Sad, sad, sad.
"Down," 311 - It's their world.
Congratulations. Are you kidding me?
People bought this shit? What's next,
rappers and metal bands forming a new
genre.
"Counting Blue Cars,"
Dishwalla - "Tell me all your
thoughts on God," OK, well the God I
know wouldn't have let this song ever
reach human ears.
"Standing Outside a Broked
Toll Both With," Primitive Radio
Gods - I actually think there is even
more to this song title, but space is get-
ting filled, and I've been downhearted
babe.
* "C'mon "N Ride It (the
Train)," Quad City DJ's - Mega-
hit. It's no "Drops of Jupiter" but I do
see the word train in the title. And this
train is leaving the station. Toot-toot.
-Luke Smith can be reached at
lukems@umich.edu

courtesy of WEAWarner Bros.
Enya, better than, uh, pain.
Weekend
Figures in millions of dollars.
1. Training Day (22.5) Denny, eat-
ing scenery is fine, but please give
Ethan back his finger.
2. Serendipity (13.3) One more
romantic comedy and you've hit
Robin Williams status in my book,
bubbo.
3. Don't Say a Word (9.8) ... But
Douglas is old and stinky.
4. Zoolander (9.5) Stiller as a
model? Yeah, and we're funny.
5. Joy Ride (7.3) Just sit in your
WHAT'S
ENTERTA
SCORSESE MAY POSTPONE NEW
FILM - Miramax has announced that it
might not release Martin Scorsese's
"Gangs of New York" this year. The
Internet Movie Database reports that
the film, which had been considered a
frontrunner for Oscar contention, may
be pulled from the studio's fall line-up
due to the terrorist attacks of Sept. 11.
Sources close to the project say that star
Leonardo DiCaprio has been highly
critical of the film, and Scorsese is tak-
ing the extra time to rework certain
scenes.
EMMYS TO BE AWARDED AT MIu-
TARY BASE? - TV Guide suggests that
courtesy of Wreimage
Marty, baby, whack that Leo brat.

box office

Billboard t
BiO
I. The Blueprint, Jay-Z - The
Jigga Man is getting as popular as "The
Beatles." I'm taking cyanide.
2. Songs in A Minor, Alicia Keys
- I'll give you my first-born to "dis-
appear" this record.
3. Totally Hits 2001, Various -
Yeah, all of the bad music on one bad
CD. That's bad! Not in a good way.
4. A Day Without Rain, Enya -
Yeah, great to see Enya- Are
monkey's buying CD's now?
5. Silver Side Up, Nickelback --
Not as good as Silverchair, but not



NEWS IN
tI NMENT
the Emmy Awards, which have been
postponed twice due to the terrorist
attacks and then the U.S. retaliation this
past Sunday, may take place after all.
Higher-ups are considering holding the
awards show at an army base, or some
other venue that would not be affected
by the outside world.
MARTIN MAKES FUNNIES- IN
MINNESOTA - Writer, director,
actor/comedian Steve Martin is teach-
ing comedy to the masses. Zap2it.com
reports that Martin has begun hosting a
weekly radio show with 39 installments
that analyze famous comedy sketches.
The show, "Comedy College," can be
heard on Minnesota Public Radio, and
features such important comedians as
Bob Newheart, Lenny Bruce and Victor
Borge. The program can also be
accessed through the Comedy College
website.
"MUMMY" MAKES MONEY -
When released on home video and
DVD last. week, "The Mummy
Returns" made more money than it did
its first weekend in theaters. The
Internet Movie Database reports that
the film has taken in $90 million in
sales and rentals, while the opening-
weekend theater sales were only a (still
impressive) $68.1 million.


joy-juice and enjoy the rest of the
movie.
6. Max Keebles Big Move (5.4)
Of the bowels.
7. Hearts in Atlantis (5.0) Not as
good as "Sleepwalkers," but not bad.
8. Hardball (3.6) More contagious
than beer nuts.
9. The Others (2.8) The little
movie that could(n't stay married to
Tom Cruise! HA HA, oh, mercy).
10. Rush Hour 2 (1.7) It's your
selfishness that kept "Glitter" from
finding an audience, you rat bastards!


LINCOLN CENTER JAZZ ORCHESTRA
with WyNTON MARSALIS
Featuring some of the finestjjazz performers
today, the Lincoln Center Jazz Orchestra performs
a program entitled "United in Swing" featuring
masterpieces by jelly Roll Morton, Louis Arm-
strong, Duke Ellington and more!

urs 764.2538
'0Avalid student ID s required. Limit two1
Y Soc t offered if an event is sold out. Seating i

UMS TICKET OFFICE LOCATED IN THE MI LEAGUE,
I IHOURS M-F 10AM-6PM, SAT LOAM-IPM
tickets per student, per event. Rush Tickets are not
s subject to availability and box office discretion.

m


.a. .. _ r