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12B -- The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, September 27, 2001

RED,

WHITE, AND BLUE: NOT JUST FOR UNCLE SAM

The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine -
IMACS ARE THE MOST WORTHLESS COI

In light of recent national events,
one might ask, "Why should I
spend time reading about fashion
when there are more important arti-
cles to which I should be paying
attention?" Here is what I am going
to do: I am making this week's col-
umn a 'how to' for dressing patrioti-
cally.
Flags have been sold-out at stores
across the nation, pins are even
scarcer, and an American flag ban-
dana is probably the rarest of items.
So if you want to show your nation-
alism, your love for the U. S. of A.,

be creative.
You already have the foundation
for your red, white, and blue ensem-
ble: blue jeans are the staple of an
All-American wardrobe. Use them
as your building block and go from
there. As a student at the University
of Michigan, you have no excuse for
not having a blue t-shirt. Wear white
socks and you are almost done. For
your splash of red, you may have to
dig a little deeper. Maybe you can
find a red bandana, possibly opt for
rouge socks rather than white, or
perhaps paint your fingernails red.

For those of us who put extensive
thought into each day's attire, (who's

really going to
admit to plan-
ning their out-
fits the night
before?), con-
sider this . a
chance for an
art project.
R e m e m b e r
when you were
ten and you got
to tie-dye any-.
thing and
everything at
overnight
camp?
You can
once again uti-
lize those cre-
ative juices. If
you can't find an

plain white t-shirt or tank top.
Maybe use an iron-on of the
American flag for a background pic-
ture. Then go nuts with the craft sup-
plies. Add a slogan with a red or blue
permanent marker: 'Don't mess with
the US' or 'Team USA'. Decorate the
letters with glitter or rhinestones.
If you really want to make a state-
ment, go as far as using puffy-paint!
Along with your spirited shirt, look
for a pair of jeans that you can deco-
rate to match. Or maybe create a belt
out of red and blue bandanas to wear
with your favorite pants.
Cut the necks, cut the sleeves,
make tanks, make tees. Whatever
you do, make it red, white, and blue!
No one will question your motiva-
tion on this anything-goes project
and along the way you're showing
everyone your support for the 'land
of the free and the home of the
brave.'


Julie Geer
Fashion
Ficesm
iAmerican theme

So. You're computer shopping.
With your parents. The aisles in
Circuit City are lit up like a meno-
rah on the 7th night of Chanukah. Some
squirmy college :- -
kid (Is he from
last semester's
bio class?) putzes r{
over. He smiles at }
you. (What is his }
name? Robert?
Robbie?) He
smiles at your Ag .
p a r e n t s
(Definitely
Robbie.) "Can I
help you?" Sarah
beams Robbie. Rubin
(Go away.
Please.) "Sure" Pieces of
says Mom.
Now you have Flair
passed the point
of no return. So Robbie drones on about
RAM and CD-R and why Compaq is
really making a comeback. Your eyes
wander over to all of the less-expensive
pieces of electronics that you'd prefer.
But you finally stop on the turquoise
computer in the corner. Wait. There are
orange ones. And pink ones. And before
you can help yourself, you are edging
toward them, lusting after them. You
have been sold on the fashionable techie-
look of the iMac. Do not be fooled by the
benign appearance of these machines.

They mock everything that is good and
right in a world of PCs and notebooks.
You see, iMacs are the devil. Almost
overnight, they have infiltrated campus.
You can't use a University computer lab
without running into scores of them.
They have multiplied exponentially
and they have all but taken over the
Fishbowl, the UGLi, and that creepy
little computer lab in the basement of
the Union.
For those of you who haven't had the
pleasure of.working with an iMac, here
are some of their little nuances that I
find particularly atrocious.
No. 1. They suck.
No. 2. They aren't PC compatible.
So everyone who owns a computer that
is not a Mac is SOL when it comes to
printing final papers at 4 a.m.
No. 3. The damn keyboard is about
2 inches big. And it is really freaking
sensitive. Mysterious, miscellaneous
words appear on the screen at random.
So when you try to type, "Sarah Rubin
is the best columnist ever!" it comes
out "Antidisestablishmentarianism."
And there is no quick IMing. Nope.
You're talking to obesesoccerfiend89
and out of nowhere the IM takes on a
life of it's own. Before you know it
obesesoccerfiend 89 is coming over to
your house. Ugh.
No. 4. So the mouse has one clicker-
thingee. Not two. One. Why can't they
be like ordinary computers? You can

never discern exactly what it is that
you're agreeing to. And there is this
whack "CLICK" noise, every single
time you do it. CLICK says the com-
puter. CLICK! CLICK! It's more
annoying than when the asshole next to
you talks on his cell for the entirety of
his Snood game.
No. 5. They suck.
No. 6. The task bar is all weird and
at the bottom. Not the top. No icons.
Not the side. There are three little
-boxes at the top of each document. So
you try to close something. But which
is which? It's like, "Guess what's
behind door No. 2" Except, if you
guess wrong, all of your Spanish
homework is about as accessible as an
advisor during finals. And then, when
you do actually minimize a program,
nothing goes away. Nothing leaps to the
bottom of your screen. It stays and it gets
in your way.
No. 7. They do the whole stylistic
lower-case letters logo. iMac. Capitalize
the I, people.
No. 8. They're all, "Look at me! I'm
so cute!" They are more of an accessory
that a computer. People get little ibooks
and carry them around like Kate Spade
bags.
No. 9. They definitely cost more than
a Kate Spade bag. They cost more than
10 of them. Expensive little pieces of,
junk. If you're really in the mood for
that whole translucent purple and clear

I

tee to decorate, then start with a

Ll

Jj THIS WEEKEND EXCLUSIVELY AT THE MICHIGAN THEATER
CALL 668-TIME FOR SHOWTIMES


Being alone allows time to look at all sorts of pornography.

C.P. Cavafy Professorship
Inaugural Address


ModErj os
OppoSEd to
Who t?
Fri, Sept 28 * 5:00 p.m.
Lydia Mendelssohn Theatre
911 North University'
(LOCATED IN THE MICHIGAN LEAGUE)
Vassilios LambropouLos
C.P. Cavafy Professor of Modern Greek Studies
Professor of Classical Studies
and Comparative Literature
Free concert by
world renowned singer Presented by
Maria Farantouri
8:00 p.m. LSA

Courtesy of MTV
Julia Stiles shows off her stars and
stripes on a fashionable shirt.
MR. LONELY
Continued from Page GB
getting stronger every day and
there are always beautiful girls
down in Detroit on the corner of
four Mile and Gratiot who would
love to spend some time with me
and my wallet.
Men don't even need women to
survive; this idea is pummeled into
the brains of all men, but we know
they are more of a nuisance than a
blessing, right? Right? Come on,
someone agree with me out there -
ok, thanks Jerry, I knew someone
had my back ' Jerry you have
always been here for me... we
should hang out, because we don't
need women, right? Yeah...wait,
what you say?...yeah well fuck you
man, go hang out with your girl-
friend, what do I care if she is a
cheerleader? No, I'll be ok...I
swear... I'm going to watch "episode
1" again .. .jerry, you asshole!
.Settling is out of the question. If I
don't like her, why stay with her?
OK, companionship, she is some-
one to talk to, and ok that cute little
thing she does with her tongue ring,
but what else? Seriously!
If I never date again, I can never
get hurt again either. No more send
offs like "If you don't stop watching
Star Trek and take me to the Prom,
then it's over" or "I told u to stop
reaching for the Princess Leia
poster we're together, you deserve
to have her by yourself! And by the
way, you may think you have the
force, but I was faking!" I guess
girls have never appreciated. my
hobbies and quirks.
Being alone is the thing for me.
Yes, there are plenty of guys out
there in wonderful relationships, but
that will never be me. I am not the
type of guy that most girls fall for, I
only get the girls as immature and
annoying as the one I am about to
part ways with.
This is my place in life, the lov-
able loser; but I guess I'm just not
that lovable. Yeah, the single life is
going to be great, just great...

ARE

Fl


According to Sarah, iMacs are evil mac
plastic combination, buy a George
Foreman grill. Now those are some
high-quality appliances.
So here is a call for help. PC users of
the world, unite. Picket. Refuse to drop
4 months of rent on pseudo-computers.
Because, remember folks, like tight-

LEY

SHUT UP AND LOVE ME

... the voice of stark raving naked
prozac culture we call the nineties
WEDNESDAY, OCTO
AT THE MICHIGA
Advance tickets available
UM Museum of Art Shop,
Tickets the day of the perf
at the Michigan Theater, 6
Students with valid ID: $11
General Admission: $15 hI
Shut Up and Love Me...a "banquet of E
the Electra complex, skewers Winnie th
unique striptease."
Shut Up and Love Me is "about the pro
always seem to face... [being] defined I
for it." Balances a "wicked humor with f