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4B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, September 14, 2000

The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine -1

LADY IN WAITING

ELITE ENTERTAINMENT ExPoSITIO

Once upon a time, when Trapper Keepers were our Palm Pilots
du jour and Care Bear lunch-boxes were as common as Kate
Spade, school scheduling was as seamless and simple as a Body
by Victoria. My, oh my, how things have changed. And although
finger-painting follies in first grade cannot compare to the
conundrums of college courses, in light of a recent unforeseeable
coup de classes, it's safe to say that my school day was smoother
when my Mom still packed my lunch.
Perhaps my glass was overflowing with optimism when I
assumed my days of panhandling professors for credit donations

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had ended 2 years ago along with my lease in Betsey Barbour.
(Insert an "Oops!" here.) Unless you happen to be majoring in
Wait Lists these days, chances are that if you are anything like
me, your current semester schedule is about
as ideal as a pimple on prom night. Chock.
full of double-booked time slots and enroll-
ment uncertainties, my Week-at-a-Glance is
as well-balanced as a fat-suit wearing
Gwyneth Paltrow on a tightrope. You know
you're in bad shape when the Jackson 5 have
planned their reunion, and you
still don't know what next {
Tuesday will look like. Frankly
my dears, it's a pain in the class.
Up way before the roosters
and back at my door long after Meredith
the cows have come home, my K le
Indiana Jones-esque quest for K le
open seats has led me to lectures K
ranging from French Wit (yes,k
the French can be funny) to InStinCts
Foreign News Coverage, as
Lady Luck continues playing hard to get. "As the
udents to 28th student on the waiting list, Miss Keller, you are
 Japanese the Weakest Link. Good-bye!" (Rumor has it that the
next installment in the Survivor series is scheduled
to take place in the Frieze Building, most likely in
the Communications Department.)
One may assume that poor planning and procras-
tination placed me into this tumult of time sched-
ules. But you know what they say about assuming,
Program. don't. As LS&A luck would have it, second only to
the denim skirt revival, "Wait Listed" is the hottest
new campus trend. Overrides are the ever-elusive it-
accessory for fall. And unless a certain Lee C. owes
you a favor, waltzing into L.A.'s Barfly seems more
likely than admittance into the lecture you actually

need. Oh woe is me! This waiting game can Crisp my fesses,
which an hour of French Wit later, I learned means buttocks.
(Didn't I tell you the French could be funny?)
So what, if any options does an obsessive-compulsive-ants-in-
the-pants sort of gal have to alleviate enrollment anxieties? Opt
for underwater basket weaving and accept the possibility of addi-
tional semesters? I think not. Seeking guidance and support, I
headed over academic advising to see what sense they could
make of my situation. As I. offered-up all nine of my credits,
counting them off finger by finger in my most convincing little
piggy fashion, the status of situation became quite clear: This lit-
tie piggy has French class. This little piggy has discussion. This
little piggy has a Comm. course. And this little piggy has nothin'!
The crouching laughter, hidden chagrin on my appointed advi-
sor's face said it all. I was First Mate on the paddle-less cruise up
caca creek.
So if you happen to have me wait listed, have a heart. I am not
beyond bribery, and since all ethics-related courses in the
Philosophy department are full for the Fall, I won't know this is
wrong, at least until the Winter semester. Unless, of course, I'm
on the wait list.
- Meredith Keller can be reached at makeller @umich.edu.
At press time her credits totalled 13.
WANT TO WRITE FOR
EEKEND ETC.?
EMAIL
WEEKEND.EDWTORS@UMIC.EDU

There's something particularly tir-
ing about a day of summer slave
labor that goes beyond the crux of
the usual monotony of physical
duress. It wasn't

spending the day
in a green haze
from the all day
Hash-Piping of
my co-workers.
What tired me
the most was the
constant buzz of
bad music spit-
ting out from the
'80s-style beat-
box that seemed
to follow us
everywhere we
went. And with
that wicked little
piece of plastic
came the foul

Luke
Smith
Less Ta
Zero

'It's Been Awhile'
but not long enough



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MASS MEETING
Sunday, Sept. 16

sounds of modern rock radio.
Behind the strength of "It's Been
Awhile" Staind's Break the Cycle
has been flying off the shelves faster
than Human Clay. "It's lBeen
Awhile" is a Sugar Ray single.
(Author's note: A Sugar Ray single
is defined as a single off the record
that, in its manifested suckass
nature, sounds completely different
than every other song on the record.
Furthermore, the rest of Staind's
maste(u)r(bation)piece sounds
absolutely nothing like the rest of
the godforsaken album.) It has
drawn enough cross-station appeal
for it to hum on the top spot on the
Modern Rock charts. Kojak's hit
(read: Aaron Lewis) cruised up the
Top 40 charts generating serious air-
play on Classic Rock stations.
Staind's airwave dominance is a
resut of LCD programming. The
lowest-common-denominator pro-
gramming strategy leads to the air-
play of the fewest songs with the
widest appeal. When you scan the
top of the Modern Rock charts, you
see Staind suffocating the top spot
for the better part of the summer and
relinquishing the top spot for a week
to Sum 41's hardeore/Beastie Boys
infused pop punk ditty "Fat Lip."
The song's many influences make it
easily accessible to listeners.
"Fat Lip" was swiftly dethroned
by metal-pop copycats Alien Ant
Farm whose claim to fame is a rip-
off of "Smooth Criminal," Michael
Jackson's smash hit redux'd for
today's nu metal enthusiasts.
Sweet.
Bad radio's blame and burden
falls more then just on the not-so-
broad shoulder's of radio program-
mers. The blame falls on the corpo-
rate vicegrip suffocating the public
airwaves, and the auxophonic shit is
being shoveled from a big pile, with
an even bigger stink. Popular Music.
And then the brown stain of blame
shifts to the record labels who sign

and promote some of today's most
wretched music to the poop-eating
masses, who eat by the lovin' spoon-
ful.
Fuel has become some kind of
radio sensation with "Hemorrhage
'(In My Hand)" topping charts last
year for almost a quarter of it. Their
follow-up single "Bad Day" has
enjoyed a similar but diminished
popularity, undoubtedly due to the
fact that Fuel can't have too damn
much to bitch and whine about with
two Gold Records under their belt.
What kind of bad days is Brett
Scallions of Fuel having? All he's
doing is fueling the iron to flatten
out the pink panties he's wearing
underneath his rockstar leather
pants.
Unfortunately "Bad Day" had to
spend time competing with Staind's
two modern rock ballads "It's Been
Awhile" and "Outside" the latter
featuring none other than the chunky
playboy himself Fred Durst, (who
has a whole slew of musical prob-
lems of his own).
Swallowing Crazy Town's
"Butterfly" was a whole lot harder
than dealing with the Gorrilaz "Clint
Eastwood" both songs catered to the
rock-rap crossover on some level,
but only one of those songs had a
hook and a paisley brit singer.
Bands like Staind, Creed and Fuel
evoke a similar sense of nostalgia in
middle-aged men which harkens
them back to there '70s and '80s
heydays, back when they were the
ones with the cars and the chicks,
rather than the bellies and pickups of
now.
The evocation of the spirits of
classic rock leads to big airplay for
these three artists on "Double Rock"
stations (stations fusing old and
"new" rock).
Modern rock suffered through a
similar dilemma (terrible, terrible
music) last year with stock rock
bands (Stroke 9, Nine Days, Three
Doors Down, Dexter Freebish) tear-
ing up the airwaves in some sort biz-
zaro Third Eye Blind rip-off fiasco.
And for someone to shamelessly rip
off Third Eye Blind. Sad.
There is no end in sight, although
the decline of the short lived nui
metal fad is eminent with pop punk
making a move toward the unfortu-
nate void it will leave.
Blink 182, Blink 183 (Newfound
Glory) and Blink 184 (Sum 41) will
all have their fair shot to fill the void
left by D-Tuned guitars and primal
screams, or deaf whispers of "Let
the Bodies Hit the Floor."
Where's Pavement when you
need them?
- Luke Smith is huddled in a
corner somewhere bouncing a ball
of the walls remembering the good
times in music. Bounce your balls
with him at lukems@umich.edu

Cortesy of Un/Roadrunner
Slipknot, not Mudvayne, Slipknot.
Weekend
Figures in millions of dollars.
1. The Musketeer ($10.3) C'mon
Tim, you're an Academy Award nomi-
nee. Maybe it's time to give Quentin a
call.
2. Two Can Play at That Game
($7.7) An un-romantic, non-funny
comedy. That's a first.
3. Jeepers Creepers ($6.2)
Where'd you get that stupid freakin'
plot?
4. Rock Star ($6.02) No twelve
inch prosthesis, no big bucks.
WHAT'S
ENTERTA
HOLLYWOOD SHUTS DOWN -- Due
to the terrorist attacks on the World
Trade Center in New York and the
Pentagon in Washington D.C., produc-
tion on all movies temporarily stopped
on Tuesday. According to the Internet
Movie Database, films featuring plots
involving terrorist activity are being
re-examined by film studios.
"Collateral Damage," Arnold
Schwarzenegger's newest film, fea-
tures a terrorist bomb attack on a sky-
scraper. The "Spiderman" teaser,
which features a helicopter full of bad
guys being stranded on a web between
the towers of the World Trade Center,
has been yanked from the film web-
site.
Courtesy of Columbia Pictures
"D" star Black is a big, big, big star

box office
5. The Others ($6.0) Nicole
Kidman's best work since "Days of
Thunder."
6. Rush Hour 2 ($5.7) A blue
screen? Why, Jackie, why?
7. American Pie 2 ($4.7) A pie,
superglue, yeah, we get it. Kill me.
8. Rat Race ($4.4) Sucks ass.
9. The Princess Diaries ($3.4)
See "Rat Race."
10. O ($2.6) If I ever did dream
such a movie/Abhor me. Baz
Luhrman is rolling over in his
grave.

Billboard t
1. Aaliyah, Aaliyah - She will be
missed, but her music lives on.
2. No More Drama, Mary J. Blige
- Oh there's drama, her and Spears for
Pepsi's merchandising.
3. Iowa, Slipknot - Mudvayne's
new album is really really bad.
4. Songs in A Minor, Alicia Keys -
The Keys are to turn off your CD player
and throw this out the window.
5. Now, Maxwell - Now is indeed
the time: Time to keep reading.
6. Now 7, Various Artists -If
you're dumb enough to like songs on

NEWS IN
MINMENT

4 p.m.
Alumni Center





EMMY AWARDS PUT ON HOLD -
TV Guide reports that the presentation
of the prime time Emmy awards,
scheduled for this Sunday, are post-
poned indefinitely due to the tragedy
in New York. The Latin Grammys have
been cancelled altogether.
VHS DAYS ARE NUMBERED - In
what may be the death knell of the
home video, home video behemoth
Blockbuster has announced that it will
cut their video stock by 25 percent.
Zap2it.com reports that the expanding
DVD rental market is the reason for
the change, and that the 25 percent
makes up less than 1 percent of
Blockbuster's total revenue. The chain
hopes to have this implemented by
Christmas, when they can sell DVD
players packaged with free rentals.
Revenue from DVD rentals has
increased an impressive 184 percent
over the past year, and 30 percent of
Blockbuster's domestic rental revenue
is expected to come from DVDs by the
end of the year.
WHOA! - Keanu Reeves is final-
ly allowed to say that he had no desire
to star in last years surprise flop, "The
Watcher." The Internet Movie Data
Base reported the actor never signed a
contract, but in fact a friend did in his
place. To avoid lawsuit, Reeves did the
movie and was under a one year gag

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