12A - The Michigan Daily - Monday, September 10, 2001
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ART S
Want a second date? The top ten
worst first date movies of all time
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By Lyle Henretty
and Andy TaylorFabe
Daily Arts Editors
As University students settle into
their languid class routine, and as the
thick, swampy humidity makes the
conversion to brutal cold, social out-
ings begin to change. After Fall Rush
ends and beer money dwindles, stu-
dents look to the comfort of a motion
picture theater to enjoy the excitement
of the big screen, or, choose to spend
their evenings nestled in front of that
holy blue glow of the television. Since
autumn is second only to spring in the
hierarchy of romantic seasons, one may
wish to go to a moving-picture with a
partner of interest. In our self-consum-
ing desire to save the common man
from the hell that is a bad date, here are
some films to avoid like the plague if
you want your relationship to last past
the first evening.
10. Quills - It's not that the acting
isn't excellent, or that there are any
problems with the plot, lighting or set
design, but it's just that as you prepare
to make the old yawn move (don't you
dare deny that you've tried it), the last
thing you want to see is a'tongue-less
Marquis de Sade writing his last and
supposedly greatest work on the walls
of a sanitarium with his own feces.
Oh, and the sight of Joaquim Phoenix
having sex with a dead woman won't
score you any points either. However, if
you and your partner are for some rea-
son excited by this type of action,
maybe you should check it out, and
don't ever call us. Ever. In fact, stop
reading this list right now. We don't
want to give you any ideas ...
9. Fear - Yeah, good going, playa,
a movie with "Marky Mark," you can
both enjoy this, right? Good call, jack-
ass. He's a man's man, but the ladies
love him, too. And nothing gets a little
lovin' initiated quite like that scene on
the roller coaster, which we can't men-
tion in polite company. But really, his
only problems are an unhealthy obses-
sion with his girlfriend, carving her
name into his chest and killing her
family. These aren't exactly the images
you want burned into your and your
girlfriend's minds on one of your first
encounters. The right girl may'just get
up and leave, and the wrong one may
ask why you don't do anything roman-
tic like that.
8. Swingers - Guys, this is for
you. Don't get us wrong. This is a fun,
clever and insightful movie, and
between us we have probably seen it
more times than is healthy for a human
being, but for the most part, girls just
don't like it. While the guy is chortling
to himself over Mike's botched phone
messages, calling out Trent's lines,
"Like fuckin' House of Pain was gonna
do anything?" or constantly using the
"money" and "beautiful babies" catch
phrases, the girl is probably politely
paying attention while privately won-
dering when it'll be over and why her
date is so easily amused. Choosing this
movie for a date rental is the guy
equivalent of a girl choosing "Choco-
lat," which reminds us ...
7. Chocolat - Girls, in the immor-
tal words of Jane Austen, this movie
sucks my ass. This trite garbage is
exactly what's wrong with cinema:
Schmaltzy, overproduced dramatic
scenes. Acting from the school of
Quivering Lip. A plot so inane that it
makes "The Cutting Edge" look like
"The Philadelphia Story." And yeah,
we know that everyone likes Johnny
Depp with blond hair and an Irish
accent, but when he delivers lines like
"I'll come over and take the squeak out
of your door for you" with that smarmy
little look on his face, we want to claw
our eardrums and beat Harvey Wein-
stein to death with them.
6. The Wizard - Fred Savage, the
poor man's Sean Astin, stars in this one
hundred-minute Nintendo commercial
for "Super Mario Brothers 3," (which
rules, by the way). This film also fea-
tures heavyweight actors like Christian
Slater. Actually, originally we weren't
sure why this was on this list; we just
thought it was funny to include it for
the obscurity factor. But when you
think about it, any girl watching this
movie is going to spend the whole time
wondering what she's doing with this
12-year-old in a man's body who can't
keep from drooling when he sees the
Power Glove (which also rules). Nos-
talgia's a bitch.
5. Schindler's List - This Spiel-
berg classic is one of the most brilliant
and devestating films about one of the
most horrifying chapters of world his-
tory, and everyone should see it at
some point to gain a full understanding
of these tragic events. However, seeing
it with your date is about as appropri-
You'd better ask the Marquis (from "Quills") to wash his hands before you shake them.
ate as reading the."Kama Sutra" with
your grandmother. Any three-hour
movie about theolocaust is sure to be a
mood-killer after your night at Joe's
Crab Shack, so if you foolishly decide
to ignore our sage-like advice and
decide to view this masterpiece in the
company of your new significant other,
leave your game at home, fellas.
4. (Tie) I Spit on Your
Grave/Last House on the Left -
Films in the rape-revenge sub-genre as
a whole don't usually make for a cozy
evening at home. Usually we're all for
innovation in cinema, and these films
play with gender roles as the women
take control away from the nen in
their lives. The positive messages
involving women's liberation and
power are overshadowed by .the several.
scenes involving male genitalia being
severed. Bad for the girls, worse for
the guys. Add poor production value
and lots of blood, and watch even the
most seasoned Casanova end up "hav-
ing a headache."
3. Left Behind: The Movie -
Courtesyof Nenw LfineCnema
Despite the phallic symbol, a date with this charming fellow (Leatherface from "Chainsaw") would be less than romantic.
Another sub-genre that is generally
full of atrocious date movies is the
Book of Revelation "save your soul
from the Apocalypse" films that have
recently peppered the market. This
Kirk Cameron vehicle is a fun-filled
ride chock full of guilt, damnation and
proselytizing. Just what you want
when you're trying to put the moves
on your date: Religious guilt.
Although the title and subject lend
themselves to good pic-up lines, e.g.
I've got a Revelation in my pants;
don't be Left Behind," it's not worth
the suffering that is the viewing of this
terrible movie.
2. Kids - From the opening
proclamation of "I've got no legs" to
the end where Casper joins the vis-
cious circle of AIDS, this flick is all of
your worst nightmares come true. The
antics of the characters are enough to
squash any romantic sentiment. As if
the thematic elements were not
enough, then drinking milk from a
tampon and peeing on a wall in broad
daylight should peak your date's inter-
est. This film is brutally realistic,
which has nothing what-so-ever to do
with dating and romance. As far as
physical derring-do, just try it after
the horrific finale. Or the horrific
beginning. Or pretty much everything
in between. This flick is more effec-
tive than birth control pills.
1. The Texas Chainsaw Massacre -
Okay, so we know what you did dur-
ing "I Know What You Did Last Sum-
mer:" You made out. Slick "horrgr"
movies with attractive people getting
relatively clean deaths are great date
movies. You can ignore them com-
pletely, or allow your date to get
scared right into your arms. "TCM"
was revolutionary, grim and disturb-
ing. It plays more like a documentary
than an exploitation flick. The dinner
table scene, in-which such notables as
Leatherface, the old man, Grandpa
and the Hitchhiker tease a girl before
they plan to devour her is not prime
smoochin' material. Along with "Hal-
loween," "TCM" ushered in an era of
grime and depravity, culminating in
the first-date gems such as "Scream"
and "Valentine." Go see those; this
one may cut off a little more than you
can chew.
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