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20B - The Michigan Daily - Weekend, etc. Magazine - Thursday, April 12, 2001
THE DARK, FLESHY UNDERBELLY OF ANN ARBOR

As any Ann Arbor resident could
tell you, A2 is a fine little college
town, but it's not without its share of
flaws. For every restaurant that you
take your parents to when they come
for a visit, there is a house of culinary
nightmares that makes you feel like
taking a shower after eating there. For
every great spot for public sex, there's
a dark little corner you wouldn't go
into without Dirty Harry's .44
Magnum and a friend to watch your
back. With that in mind, I present the
Worst of Ann Arbor, culled from my
own personal experience:
Worst Place to Meet a New Mate:
(tie) The parking lot behind what
used to be Taco Bell; North Campus.
Worst Place to People Watch: The
Mason Hall men 's bathrooms at 2
a.m.
Worst Public Place for Sex: The
Arb. At midnight. On Friday the 13th.
Worst Pickup Line: (tie) "Hey
baby, I've got an F; a C and a K, now
all I need is U; " ,'Hi, I'm the
Managing Arts Editor for The
Michigan Daily" - The first one
only works when Chris Kula says it.
The second one never works.
Worst Fast Food Restaurant: The
South University McDonald's - The
only saving grace of this durdy trash

pit is that the girls who work there are
real, real easy. Just ask the 1108
Thugz.
Worst Way to Go to Bed: Angry.
Worst Way to Wake Up: The
morning after St. Patrick's Day, with
the left side of your face caked in
green vomit that might or might not
be your own, lying next to "Gary," the
midget your housemates hired to
dress up as a Leprechaun and pump
beer for your St. Patty's day party.
Worst Live Music Club to Refer
to as "Cockroach Infested" in a
Music Review: The Blind Pig.
Worst Place to Smoke Crack:
Anywhere - Don't smoke crack,
kids, it's "sketchy."
Worst Campus Tradition: The
Naked Mile - It's not a bad tradition,
it's just so disappointing. The ratio of
men to women is so high that calling
it a "sausage fest" would be grossly
inadequate. And I'd be the first one to
say that the female body is beautiful,
and that it is worthy of being put on a
pedestal in a gilded cage, but all bets
are off when said body is cold and
running.
Worst Place for a First Date:
Cottage Inn. With Meredith Keller.
Worst Place to Open a Business:
Ann Arbor - Unless it's a corporate

mega-chain, you don't have a snow-
ball's chance in hell, and even then
nobody will respect you.
Worst Local Band: Skim Milf -

Yeah, I liked these
guys the first time
I saw them ...
when they were
called Primus!
Progressive rock
went out with the
'70s, guys, it's
time to move on.
Just kidding, Skim
Milf rules, they
were the best part
of Hash Bash.
Worst Thing to
Hear Screamed
at You From a
Passing SUV:
"Hey Douchebag!
You suck!" -
Yorkers.

Ben
Goldstein
Than
Fiction
Goddamned New

Publications Building), and you're
really not used to being up at 10 a.m.
Worst Waiting Room: UHS, when
you need to find out what the deal is
with those funny red bumps you found
"down there."
Worst Rejection Line: "We had
one class together, Ben, one class.
Why are you telling everybody that
I'm your girlfriend? Look, don't ever
call this number again."
Worst Time for a Game of
Battleship: Never - Battleship is fun
for all occasions.
Worst Pop Culture Reference in a
Conversation: "Dude, you're like the
guy from that one movie where he's
like 'Uhhhhhh ... uhhhhhh! (laughing
uncontrollably) uhhhhhh!'Know what
I'm sayin'?"
Worst Way to Make The Daily's
Crime Notes: Rob a bunch of tampon
dispensers - It seems like a good
time at first, just chillin' with your
friends, robbing some tampon dis-
pensers, but then you get caught and
you have to explain it to your mom.
Needless to say, when it happened to
me I was mortified.
Worst Slang: "Spare some change
for food?" - I still don't know what
this really means. I usually just ignore
people who say it.

Worst Professor: Public Enemy's
Professor Griff- He's not associated
with the University in any way, but I
heard he's an anti-Semite. Which
places him squarely on my shit-list.
Worst Local Publication: The
Michigan Review - It's where ugly
men go to die.
Worst Pizza: The garbage cans
outside of the Diag Party Store -
This stuff is barely worth the 99 cents
when it's hot and fresh. But when it's
been sitting in trash for a couple of
days? Fuggedaboutit.
Worst Waste of a Beautiful
Morning: Going to class - Do you
really want to miss out on the world's
beauty because you were stuck inside
a lecture hall listening to some creepy
professor drone on and on about God
knows what? Oh yeah? Well then I
feel sorry for you.
Worst Thing to Find in Your
Kitchen: (tie) Mice; a deranged
woman looking for aluminum cans -
Be very thankful you don't live in my
filthy house.
Worst Pain: (tie) Lost love; getting
smashed in the nuts with a bat.
- Ben Goldstein can be reached at
bjgoldst@umich.edu, but don't both-
er him; he's a very bitter individual
..... .o H TD

Worst Time to be Kicked: When
you're down.
Worst Place for a Power Nap:
Angell Hall Auditorium D, during a
midterm that you haven't studied for,
in a class that you haven't been to
since the first week (both resulting
from the fact that you're a hermit who
spends most of his life in the Student


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