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16B The Michigan Dbaily ---, etc. Magazine - Thursday, MarcWXY, 2UU1
Advice columnists assist student in search'for missing virgini
Dear Lyle and Lisa: I seem to have
lost my virginity. I've been looking all
over the place and it hasn't showed up
anywhere. Idon't know whether it was in
the Graduate Library Stacks, the Arb or
the Reading Room in the Law Library,
but I can'tfind it anymore. What steps
would you recommend I take in finding
it again? It means a lot to me and I
would greatly appreciate your advice in
finding this lost treasure. Thanks a
bunch.
- Concerned Kustard from Kansas City
Lisa: I hate to tell you this, Kustard,
but I'ye heard about you (and your vir-
ginity) before. Rumors are circulating
around campus that your virginity was
last seen hovering dangerously close to
Sexy Grandpa up at Bursely as well as
confidently strutting out Lee Bollinger's
front door. In fact, Brian Ellerbe is
reported to have taken your virginity
with him when he left the
Weidenbach Hall in a tear-
filled rage last week. Several
B-school students, oddly :
enough, told me that your vir-
ginity was last seen being
exploited all over the internet.
Lyle: Well, K., let me tell
you that I think my usually
sunny writing partner has hit
the nail on the head, so let me
translate for the Organizational Lis
Studies majors among us. You
are an idiot, and you probably
wouldn't know what a naked He
person was if he/she were serv-
ing you meatloaf in the cafete- Ke
ria. Your e-mail privileges
should be revoked, and you
should be ashamed of yourself.
is R
id L
nre
epic
Dear Lyle and Lisa: Why do we allow
this horseshit called "acade-
' xia" to interfere with our
social lives? Honestly, it's
s ~ just not right.
-- Rock star on Kingsley
Lisa: I personally don't let
academia interfere with my
social life. The structure of
our university's social scene
actually allows for work and
tajt play in equal measure if you
simply plan ahead. For
yle example, I believe there is a
tty reason why parties usually
aren't "jumpin,' jumpin"'
t it until 11 or 12 ... it's because
we intelligent, industrious
Michigan students are study-
mean seriously, how much can a person
achieve during I I p.m. to 2 a.m.?
The key to maintaining both your
GPA and your social life lies in the lib-
cral use of caffeine, appointment-books
and cocaine (just kidding about that
whole cocaine thing, mom!). You can
also set aside a pre-determined amount
of time each day for a particular subject.
For example, even if you can only spare
20 minutes a day for quantum mechan-
ics or underwater basket-weaving, if you
are consistent, you will eventually
accomplish something. What that
"something" is I cannot say, but even if
you make just one lovely, handwoven,
water-resistant basket, I'd say you are in
good shape.
Lyle: Ah, dear Rock, assuming that is
your real name, I simply hate you and
all of your ilk. People that put "acade-
mia" (and you even spelled it correct-
ly!) after their social lives are so insane-
ly annoying that I wish you would just
go back to wherever you came from
(read: New York) and leave the rest of
us alone. You see, this is a SCHOOL,
and those things that you talk through
(usually sitting behind me) are called
LECTURES. Maybe you're not aware
of this, but some people would rather
listen to the professor's lessons than you
talking to your friends about your
brown nail polish, the parties you will
be whoring yourselves at or even the
GSI that's cute but SUCH a dork
because he gave you a D+ on your essay
that was two pages too short. Here's my
advice: Why don't you quit complain-
ing, take out those little wooden things
in your Northface book bags and use
the sharp end on some paper. This may
shut you up and maybe you'll learn
something.
ing diligently (and squeezing into our
slut boots, party-pants and halter tops). I
Dell Plri P
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