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1rHOLY LIP HAIR, BATMAN,-H ' O UT C E
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Thne Michig an oaiiy-W eekend
BABY GOT (PAPER) BACI
Try growing a mustache, even
though you know that it might not turn
out, that many mustaches don't. You've
seen 'em ... thin, pathetic and just
cryin' to be shaved off.
"I look foolish here!" they say, near-
ly a distraction: Walking across the
street, minding your own business, and
you're suddenly confronted with the
abrupt appearance of a small unsightly
mass of hair just above the mouth of
what formerly looked like a guileless
thirteen-year-old bystander.
It's repulsively intrusive and this sort
o f killjoy becomes even less appropri-
ate when he's old enough to legally
gamble his life away. Certainly, this is
an ominous, "don't wanna end up like
that" situation.
So you'll want to proceed cautiously
before entering this fuzzy realm of
handle-bars waxed shinier than Pee-
Wee's bicycle, lazy chap-shaped wings
drooping like a basset hound's jowls,
and the sideburns-meets-upperlip-hair
doublethreat of Chester A. Arthur, the
twenty-first President of the United
States. You'll want to proceed extreme-
ly cautiously.
Luckily, the fact that you already
have a very full beard bodes well for
your ability to grow only a mustache
and, blessed with this knowledge, you
may confidently begin imagining the
prestigious list of possible celebrities
your face has a chance of resembling:
Wyatt Earp, David Crosby, Magnum
P1., Ned Flanders ... forget about the
stars, you're after your own look and
ain't nobody walking around campus
with a mustache
these days.
Feel a quick
flash of panic
(nervousness?),
but second-
naturedly sup-
press your
instinctive reac-
tion.
Rational delib-
eration is the
only proper
method of con-
sidering all
aspects of this
monumental
decision, so per-
John Uhl
Uhl Geta
and Like it
unpleasant from your dog).
2) The intrinsic laziness of not hav-
ing to shave on a daily basis, or even,
depending on how long you're willing
to let your beard get, ever again.
3) Extra warmth for the winter.
4) Historically, figures reputed to
embody "genius" have often been
known to wear beards: Socrates,
Frederick Douglass, Karl Marx, Jerry
Garcia, Santa Claus.. and it's possible
that, subconsciously, people will assume
that, as a beard owner, you also possess
special talents.
Soon, re-analyzing your beard's rai-
son d'etre points should reveal the obvi-
ous advantages of mustache living.
Pro-Mustache Counterargument:
1) The desire to participate in the cul-
tivation of an entity on your face almost
certainly also implies a thinly veiled
ambition for control. And what better
way to flaunt mastery over your beard
than by willfully altering its shape?
2a) In this example, your beard func-
tions as an excuse for sloth. Yet any
decent proponent of laziness should be
willing to jump on virtually any means
of rationalizing the activity, rendering
the beard excuse frivolous and unneces-
sary.
b) Just because you have a mustache,
doesn't mean you can't have stumble.
Lots of stumble.
3a) The reference to winter here
speaks of a seasonal quality to your
beard, which, inherently, should
involve some sort of quarterly change
in appearance. Now that the sun has
started shining more than twice a
month, there's no better way to herald
the earth's rotation than by shedding
the majority of your facial parka.
b) Since the plants sprout freshly in
the spring, it seems appropriate to
start a new year of facial growth with
a relatively clean slate (refer back to
beard justification #1 for details on
why this at all desirable).
4a) If you actually have some spe-
cial talents, it's probably better to
keep them to yourself. Remember
how much you admired Superman in
your formative years?
b) If you don't actually have any
special talents, it's probably better
that people don't assume that you do,
lest they start expecting things of you.
By now you're probably wonder-
ing what's happened to you, vaguely
recollecting that someone once
explained that suppressed feelings
manifest themselves in strange ways
(like lists) and the nervousness you
felt at the thought of being
See MUSTACHIO, Page 11B
I I
in's
Fria
Live miusic, great food, and a visit to Ancient Egypt.
Itfs Friday-it's what you'e been waiting for all week!
March 16th
* Club Friday Music: Keltic Kaleidoscope
(Irish, Celtic), 6:30-9:30 P.m.
* FREE tour: Mixed Bag:
Highlights of the Collection, 6:45 P.M.
* FREE Performance: North Coast Theatre.
The Tale of Sinuhe, 7 P.m.
* FREE Recital: Margaret Barron, ViWr
soprano, 8 P.m.
haps it's necessary to assess your cur-
rent, bearded, facial hair situation,.
Why is it there? What function does
it serve? What do I stand to lose by
fashioning it into a mustache?
A quick self-assessment leads to the
conclusion that there are four basic
reasons why you currently have a
beard:
1) You enjoy the fact that something
is growing on your face (and appreci-
ate that this is perhaps the only cir-
cumstance under which you can hold
that knowledge and not be deathly
afraid of having caught something
New York has Spa. Miami has
Crobar. Paris has Les Bains
Douches. More densely filled with
the creme de la creme than a Twinkie
by Prada, these
see and be seen
hot spots help
put local tren-
dorama on the
map. So where
do the hip and
chichi Ann
Arborites con-
verge to break
up their studies
with a little
mindless mid- Meredith
week action? Keller
The library, of
course! Keller
Brilliantly Int cs
situated along_______
the northern
edge of the Diag, although it may,
sound like a place in which only your
grandfather would be caught dead, or
worse your freshman year poli sci
GSI, "Club Harlan Hatcher" has
become the epicenter of activity for
any and all individuals who are look-
ing to check-out more than just
books. A perennial favorite among
the dark-denim crowd, "Club H2"
first earned A2 recognition as the
much doted-on happy medium
between the Roller Rink-esque antics
of the UGLi and the Monastery-like
atmosphere of the Law Quad.
Coupling old-skool intellectual ide-
alism with new North Face acces-
sories, however, this great bricked-
behemoth now boasts some of the
hottest call numbers in town. Making
your way through the main lobby,
past the Book Bouncers at the
Circulation Desk, you are confronted
with not one, but two steeply-sweep-
ing staircases. Like jugular veins in
this body of social action, these
architecturally impressive escala-
tions transport young would-be intel-
ligentsia-socialites to and from the
tragically trafficked SecoFlo Center
Lounge, where everything is tickety-
boo, and air-kisses flow as freely as
pages out of complimentary printers.
While waiting for one of the
much-sought splinter-free seats to
become vacant, clientele help them-
selves to e-mail hors d'oeuvres,
binging on-chain letter forwards and
then purging their inboxes. For those
with fancies untickled by electroni-
c a-techno-digital-correspondence
indulgences, try the Lounge menu
specialty, mingling with friends you
haven't seen since the days of La
MLBoom and Studio 5400 Chem.
More ambitious attendees eager to
scope out the terrain are encouraged
to relocate the wait to the V.I.P. (Very
Informative Periodicals) Room,
where apart from the risk for devel-
oping varicose veins, standing
around is anything but faux pas. Also
known as the Reference Room, this
arched room de triomphe plays home
to local favorites DJs Nokia and
Motorola who spin a wicked compi-
lation of digitized hits, such as the
samba, Fur Elise and the always
crowd-pleasing "Waltzing Matilda."
And once you're tight with the man-
agement, they'll let you in on what
they're really "referring" to. Wink.
wink.
As you shake your 3. Crew groove
thang up and down the aisle ways, in
jeans more tightly bound than a new
novel, be sure to note (and don't call
Versity, do it yourself) how many
more heads than pages are turning.
(Make sure to scour the local Yellow
Pages while there, as mass wrong-
ful-whiplash lawsuits are likely to
follow.) And don't be too star-struck
by the occasional celebrity sighting
- Hideki and his new foam-core
companion are rumored to be regu-
lars.
For the fortunate few who avoid
the horrors of snow shoeing to Social
Siberia and manage to score a table
where puffy coats are meteorologi-
cally passe, now the fun really begins
- cuz it's 11:30 and the Grad is
jumpin' jumpin'!
Ogling each other from beneath
the salad bar-like lighting systems,
like vegans stalking organically-
grown tomatoes, hungry visitors
hunt for ripe contenders, spending
the remaining open hours of the
evening debating whether or not to
invite that kitty-corner cutie up and
over to the fourth floor stacks for a
little experimental research on the
Physics of Attractiol
timers still unacquair
elusive Mr. Dewey De
up a stool and take the
one of Mirlyn 's man3
jects.
Is early American hi:
you down? Order up
and Santa Maria Cola
lems getting a grasp o
ism? Try an Absolu
Whatever your ailment
II
Open every Friday 6-10..
2445 Monroe Street Toledo, OH 43620
419-255-8000 www.totedorauseumi.org
Mode possible by OFifth Third Bank
U~l'~,2&U
I I--
I
- - -
Wednesday, March 21, 2001
Hill Auditoriumn-7:30 pm
Tickets available at Michigan Union Ticket Office
and all Ticketmaster outlets
Phone 763-TKTS
An Office of Mazjor Events'Division of Student Affairs Presentation
1004Y Samo
hTDAY %amO*e&1uQ'm
3%E. LisMY ANNARO'
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Kivi Rogjers
Grand Opening Weekend!
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----------------- ...... . .... .......
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Third Sa tur
i 0 BEE LJWL-ALALLA"
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in Detroit's M
Districl
WHAT:
WHEN:
RESERVATIONS:
HOW MUCH?
MORE INFO:
QUESTIONS?
®0 atAM
rdayVs
Ride to Detroit
March 17, 2001
(leaving 10:30 am from the UM Museum of Art)
culture.bus@umichedu
FREE for UM students, faculty, and staff
www.umich~edu/arts
call 936-5805
128 Michigan League,
Ann Arbor, MI 48109-1265.
Michigan Tel. 734.76,4.5123 Fax 734.647.2282
. ' , PIE~t l'i ."4i;.
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Summer Camp for Children and
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June 11 -August 17
Seeks Applicants for:
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Outdoor Education
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Creative Arts
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Outdoor Living
Make a difference in someone's life
Barrier free recreation for all
Call 517-673-2050
E-mail: director@ thefowlercenter org
Write: 2315 Harmon Lake Rd
Mayville, MI 48744
1b 1# A
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Alumni Association of the University ot Michiglan
\Forking at the University of M'ichigan Alumni camp is
a rewarding and exciting opportunity. Since 1 96 1, ('amp
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members have countless opportunities for personal and
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Work in specialized program areas
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If you are interested in sharing your knowledge
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and want to have one of the
best summers of your life...
email: michigania@umich.edu
phone: 231-582-9191
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