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February 08, 2001 - Image 4

Resource type:
The Michigan Daily, 2001-02-08

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4A - The Michigan Daily - Thursday, February 8, 2001

The achtonan


You're once, twice, three times my lady

SINCE 1890

Editor in Chief
Editorial Page Editors

Unless otherwise noted, unsigned editorials reflect the opinion of the majority of the
Daily s editorial board. All other articles, letters and cartoons do not
necessarily reflect the opinion of The Michigan Daily

G irl, some guys
save all their love
just for Valen-
tine's Day, but I'm going
to treat you right every
day of the week.
On Monday, you will
be awakened from your
dreamy slumber by the
sweet smell of flowers, for
I have lavishly scattered rose petals about your
bedroom during the night. You will notice a
card on your bedside table. It reads: "Baby, if I
was a florist, you'd be my biggest seller - a
long-stemmed dream come true."
When you come home at night, I'll be
waiting with the wine, a light Merlot to
make you feel fine. I'll build a crackling
fire in the fireplace and I will open the flue
such as that we are not asphyxiated. As I
lay you down on the bearskin rug that I
acquired from the Salvation Army, you'll
feel a shiver course through your body.
Mmm. baby, that's the touch - the feel -
of bearskin, the fabric of our love.
On Tuesday, I will start off the day with
breakfast in bed. Once I have finished eat-
ing, I will move to the kitchen and prepare
you the most extravagant brunch of your
life. Cinnamon crepes, eggs hollandaise,
Bob Evans sausage - girl, your taste buds
will be drunk on the heady spirits of flavor.
As I pour your coffee, I'll gaze into your
eyes and say, "A little cream, but no sugar

- 'cause, baby, you're sweet enough as is."
On Wednesday, when night falls while
we are at your apartment, I will lead you
into the bathroom where you will find a
bubble bath awaiting you. Candles will be
alight, and the air will be heavy with steam
and heavier yet with romance. Sweet lady,
you will feel your pulse quicken as I slow-
ly peel your clothes from your body and
gently guide you into the bath - one love-
ly foot at a time, so as not to send you
crashing to the linoleum.
That's right, baby: I will never bruise you.
The warm, bubbly water will feel won-
derful against your body, as I have used the
most exotic, finely scented oils known to
Johnson and Johnson. As my fingers caress
your moist skin, I'll sigh, "Girl, you can
leave a filmy residue in my life whenever
you want."
On Thursday, we will have dinner with
your parents, and I'll be the boyfriend
they've always dreamt of for you: Charming,
caring, respectful and heterosexual. Girl,
soo heterosexual. I'll treat your mother like
a queen, commenting that "she looks 45
going on 21," and I'll compliment your
father, remarking that "he's a leader among
They'll smile warmly and whisper to
each other things like, "He's a keeper" and
"I want to touch him all over." I'll blush
and say, "I'm flattered, sir, but it's your
daughter that I love."

On Friday, I will prepare a quiet dinner
for three: You, me and Mr. Marvin Gaye.
Baby, we will not make it to dessert.
On Saturday, we will travel to the tei-
jer video rent-a-center and obtain ronantic
comedies from the mid-'90s. The Faygo
Grape will be chilled, the popcorn will'be
popped and, baby, the cuddling will be
intense. Damn. Girl, we'll be all sleeles4
in Unsung Ann Arbor, because we'll be
traveling to a realm of visceral ecstasy that
usually exists only in French novels.
And, mon cheri, I'm so very fluent.
On Sunday, I will take you to church.
And, baby, by that I mean I'll put some
Rev. Al Green on the hi-fi, burn some fra-
grant incense and anoint you with the
sacred oils of St. Christopher's Church of
Sensual Massage. Special lady most high,
I'll get holy with your thigh. You earthly
angel, I'll sooth your every angle.
Close your eyes, my dear, and you wi
hear my soft prayer in your ear:
"It's been some time since my last con-
And, baby, I'm lue for a final conces-
Woman, you drive me to sin,
To a world of pleasure I've never been -
So Lord have mercy and let me on in."
Chris Kula's column runs every Thursday,
but, mmm ... girl, you can contact hhn
anytime you want at ckula@umich.0du.

Kirschen grossly
In Elizabeth Kassab's news article, "Stu-
dents keep eye on vote outcome" (2/06/01),
Rabbi Rich Kirschen of Hillel is quoted as say-
ing. "Arab students on campus ... completely
reject the right of the Jews to have their own
state ..." Not only is this statement misleading,
it is a gross mischaracterization of the Arab-
American student reactions on this campus.
It is hurtful to see such a statement coming
from a campus leader, much less a rabbi. Arab-
American students and organizations have
never "completely rejected" the right of Jews to
live anywhere they wish. What we reject is the
right of the Israeli government to dispossess
and deprive indigenous Palestinians, of all reli-
gions, their basic rights on their own land. We
are talking about a military occupation and the
displacement of almost 1 million Palestinians
as the result of the creation of the Israeli state.
In fact, Muslims, Christians and Jews lived in
relative harmony in Palestine until Zionism
reared its head.
Kirschen has never taken an opportunity to
sit with Arab-American students on this cam-
pus and ask them if they "completely reject"
the right of the Jews to have a state. If demon-
strating against Israeli military aggression and
criminal human rights violations and speaking
out in defense of basic human rights for Pales-
tinians is translated in Kirschen's mind as
"completely rejecting" Israel's right to exist,
then Rabbi Rich is misled. Our hope is that he
does not mislead the University community as
SNRE senior
The letter writer is the President of the Arab-American
Anti-Discrimnation Committee
Handguns should be
allowed on campus
I understand Nancy Cantor's fear of armed
Americans exercising their right to carry a
handgun ("Cantor proposes gun-free ordi-
nance," 2/6/01). But keep in mind that she is
acting on fear, not reason. In Texas, armed
Americans who were licensed to carry a hand-
gun were found to be 5.7 times less likely to be
arrested for violent crimes and 1.4 times less
likely to be arrested for murder than the general
In other words, we are responsible, law-
abiding citizens and we wish to be treated with
dignity. Just because we step onto campus
doesn't mean we have to check-in our human
School of Medicine


Tke only r ie


something they may not even be interested in?
Last year I didn't see any flyers in my apart-
ment building concerning elections, but I saw
plenty in the residence halls. There is no differ-
ence between the two; they are both private res-
I for one would rather have University
Housing change the solicitation policy to
restrict all non-Housing related groups. Keep
the neon green and orange clutter out of my
building and leave it to the kiosks and side-
walks. And if it's after 8 p.m., don't bother
knocking on my door.
LSA senior
Elerbe fails as
well-rounded coach
I have been going to Michigan basketball
games since I was four years old. Some of the
happiest days of my childhood were spent with
my father in Section 59 (before they put the stu-
dents there and bumped us over to 55), watch-
ing Rumeal Robinson, Gary Grant and Eric
Riley. I remember the NIT Championship in
'84, the Big Ten title in '86 and, of course, the
magical tournament run in '89.
Banners hung from the Crisler Arena rafters
remind us of these accomplishments. As I sat in
Section 55 Tuesday night, again with my
father, I looked up and wondered if and when
we would add another banner to the ceiling.
Then I looked down and decided that it proba-
bly won't be this season.
To state it mildly, the men's basketball pro-
gram is a mess. We lose. A lot. By a lot. Surely
some of the blame for the current state of
affairs must fall on the shoulders of our embat-
tled head coach. The program was not in good
shape when he took over, but it is hard to say
that it is better off for Brian Ellerbe's steward-
ship. Let me get one thing straight. I like
Ellerbe. He represents this University with dig-
nity and class.
I even like some things about his basketball
coaching. Contrary to what others have said, he
gets a very good effort out of his team, night in
and night out. I have not seen this team "quit"
once this year. Some say the team appears dis-
organized and out of control. Fair enough, but
so did the Fab Five.
Ellerbe might make a good college basket-
ball coach someday. But not here, not now. A
college basketball coach must recruit good play-
ers who are also good people. During the play-
ers' time in college he must help them develop,
personally, academically and athletically.
Because Ellerbe has failed demonstrably to do
these things in his four years here (a relatively
long tenure for a basketball coach), he must go.
In the meantime, I will not attend any more
basketball gaes this season. I wish I could be
the loyal fan that my father is, but right now it
is too frustrating for me to watch us lose. I hope
someday my father and I can go to Crisler
Arena again and watch a championship-caliber

sure poison to some students" (2/7/01).
The idea of the "youthful indiscretion."
Assume I was to get into a car accident 'that
ended up killing someone. Since I'm still
young, should I be allowed to get away without
any sanction? I could very easily use the
Daily's logic to assume I needn't take any
responsibility - it was only an "oversight' on
my part.
The idea that the law is meant to deter dO
use, but it happens anyway - well, there are
laws against hate crimes, but those still happen
anyway. Which, I suppose, means that trying to
discourage hate crimes is "harmful to society"
like the War on Drugs is.
Far and away the most disingenuous claim
the Daily makes is that the Higher Education
Act "underhandedly segregates disadvantaged
students." It is absolutely unconscionable to
cloak the use of drugs in the language of ci *
rights. To try and compare the visionaries w,
fought for the ability of every American to be
allowed to participate fully in the benefits of
democratic society - who wanted equality
under the law - to people trying to promote a
libertarian ideal - laws should apply to every-
body but me (when I break them) - is beyod
the pale. A person does not choose the colo.-of
their skin when they are born. But then can
choose to use or not to use drugs.
I would urge the editorial board, who most
of the time represent a voice of reason and
ty, to strongly consider the slap in the face .
has been delivered to those who believe irl ttue
equality across ethnic and class lines, a catego-
ry in which I include myself. Such writing id
thinking, as in this editorial, undermnieso
much of the work that has been done and is stil
needed. Please be more considerate next time;
LSA first-year s(4nt
'Just say no' to limit
to higher education
The intention of the "Just Say No" wo-
gram of the 1980s did not have the main goal
of stopping drugs in both white and non-
white neighborhoods. The program of the
Reagan administration of the 1980s was 0
change the image of first lady Nancy Reagan
who had in the early part of her husband's
administration received bad press. Her initial
activity as first lady was to increase speniding
on White House parties and events and to cre-
ate a more lavish and more expensive home
in the White House.
In turn, the administration felt thait e
should have a more caring image but at the
same time take no stance that would be cot
to the very conservative/reactionary adminitra-
tion at that time. Hence, drugs was an infsant
enemy. If one just says "no," there is no cost to
the federal government; no new federal pro-
grams would be involved; and her new iriage
would be in keeping with the general policies
of the administration.

MSA not wanted in
residence halls
I commend the Daily for its stance concern-
ing the Michigan Student Assembly ("Don't
Knock on my door," 2/6/01). I have seen candi-
dates and members of MSA show total disre-
gard for Housing solicitation policies. Looking


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