48- Thb ihigah Dily - Week 1, etc. Magazine- Thurda~ebruary 1 2001

..

Beer tasting defies articulation for neophytes

By John Uhi
and Nick Woomar
Daily Arts Writers
For two people who know absolutely
nothing about taste-testing beer, being
assigned to cover Arbor Brewing
Company's January Porter Tasting
event posed an interesting but not insur-
mountable challenge.
The skinny on ABC's monthly beer
tastings is this: For $25, they hand a
hoard of people what is basically an
oversized shot glass and send them into
a small room for a two-hour long all-
you-can-drink beer free for all.
This scenario would be absurd if
patrons were expected to consume
degenerate beers in the vein of Bud
Light, Millwaukee's Best, Pabst Blue
Ribbon or anything advertised as "cold
hC3 Qe
presents
MOZART Le N
THE MARRIAG
CONDUCTED BY TIN
Tickets in advance at MUTO (734)76:
$6 Students S14 Adult
Tickets at Door
$8 Students S 16 Adult

filtered" or "ice." But that is not the criticism. We had trouble understanding
case at ABC, where beer tastings are the (much less incorporating into our
alcoholic analogue of eating a box of speech) phrases like "long smooth
quality chocolates - the range of tastes black licorice finish" or "subtle accent
is broad enough such that of hardwood and smoked
everyone is guaranteed malt" found in the
to discover a few A event's program. So
favorites and a few «e *" : we each had to come
duds, along with a®d up with our own
range of uninspiring method of articulat-
flavors. And since ing beer preference
this is a beer tasting in search of a sys-
everyone is, of U( (tem that would be
course, obliged to more accessible to
share their feelings the lay-person.
with one another. John's system sought simplicity, bas-
Our intrepid journalistic skills led us ing itself on the always-applicable
to assume that most people are turned USDA consumption guideline the Four
off by the hoighty-toity insider lingo Food Groups. This beer tasting method
that flavors most contemporary beer divides the various components of beer
taste into four easy-to-remember cate-
gories (grainy, fruity, meaty and milky).
Nick adopted a more "improvisa-
S vc r ks tional" approach, seeking inspiration
from other Americans who artistically
employed our nation's freedom-
ozze. D t Fi a o embracing ideals. Thinking like Charlie
Parker, Jackson Pollack and Jack
E OF F IGARO Kerouac allowed Nick the freedom to
MOTHY SEMAN IK say whatever he wanted about the beer.
We discovered that, basically, we
3.8587 were full of it. Ironically, the most
intrinsic aspects of both of our methods
were their greatest weaknesses.
Nick's reliance on essentially divine
verbal inspiration caused many of his
1. Scomments to be repetitive and, in fact,
. fairly indistinguishable:
1) "The Fuller's is sharp but it also
lacks a distinct sweetness. The adjective
HI'll I'ree) d use for this is 'basically sharp.' It's

slight, just a little bit sharp." 2) "I'm
tasting a hint of coffee in the Anchor
Steam, it's kinda sharp but not too
sharp."
Likewise, the inherent simplicity of
the Four Food Groups method led John
to redundancy:
1) "The Taddy Porter may do it, I
think it's the first beer of the night that's
meaty ... 'Meaty' yeah, meaty and
fruity but it's mostly meaty." 2) "The
Bell's is meaty, it might even be the
meatiest beer I've had tonight."
Moreover, John's application of the
word "meaty" seems to refer to each
beer's texture rather than flavor.
So, we turned to an expert to answer
basic questions about beer, like precise-
ly what the difference is between a
porter and, say, a stout. "It's just a style
of beer," explained ABC brewing czar
Dug Jakubiak. "Porters tend to be a lit-
tle higher in alcohol content. Porters are
basically just a little more roasty."
Even though he subjects himself to
highly alcoholic beers like Porters on a
regular basis, to Jakubiak brewing is a
science, not an excuse to get railed.
"I'll take little samples out of the fer-
menters and see how they're doing at
various stages and stuff. If you want to
call it taste testing ... a couple pints a
day. You don't have to chug all the
time."
But brewing beer doesn't exactly
come without prerequisites, "you don't
wanna be skinny. Never trust a skinny
brewer, that's for sure."
ABC is holding its next beer testing
this coming Thursday, Feb. 8. The
focus: Strong Ales.

Fri. 2/2 8 p.m.
Wed. 2/7 8 p.m.

Sun 2/4 3 p.m
Sat. 2/10 8 p.

University of Michigan
East Quad Residential College
'01 East University, 133 5Tler (between Willard and!

ArorBrewngCo
Wit fll01ws r actaJL rea~i' e
coments tapes recorded by the
auThors as~ they sampled a smatterbng
of dhe beers at the Januarv Porter
Tasting he/d at the Arbor Brewe~g
Co*pany, Indkd&d for qualty cOm-~
parison 4r commentsfrom the Porter
Tastingrprogra provted by ABC r
the brewing company itself .
G EAT LAKES EDMUND
FITZGErALD P0RITE
Alrbor Brewing Co.: Dark roast-
ed, black malt flavoBs with full hop
bitters on the finish. Wel larbonat-
ed. vibrant mouthf'e
Nick Woower: The Great Lakes
Porter is also quite fruity, it's subtle.
It's eal nie. I really like the sub
ttety, it al mot like balet. hs
A0C: Toasty and well arboat-5
ed with underiying malt sw~eetness
offset by mild hop bitters,
Jo n1 UJh: Spamnsh Pe k zrtr,
I like it a lot really It's stratgt
grainy .. no, take it ack, it
nilky, that' what it is . was throw n
off by 'the bops.
MICHIGAN BREWING CO,
NUT BR#OWN ALE
oiChigb oBrtingsCp, 1'Ity,'
toasted, maity flavots with balanced
hop chaeater ma~ke this a very sa't-
isfying alea A beer Dickens ad
**ardy would have enjoyed quaffing
in a Wesse pub in times long past.
NW: I just had the Not Brown
Ale, W'S Michigan Brewing
Company im. not impressed wth
this beer, it% too sour, it's kind ofan
anti-beer
ARCADI7AL LDON SMOKE.
ABC: Coimplex and full bodied,
characterized by hints of chocolate:
coffee, carame l arid beecb woo d
smoke.
NW: TryteAcdaBeig
Company London Pirter hsoe
has a smokey taste, P'm not shitting
you it has a smokey taste, but it
eows out as you drink it - very
flavorfrd this is very nice anti
unique-
JV: I don't taste the smnokey.
NW: The smokey comes itf you
take a big enough sip, as I'PH o
right now .4 (Nlck sips, release a
satisfied 'abA .,. as you heard my
*4h, it was like smoke was comning
out of my mnoutit
A1EC; A solid dark ate with a sur~-'
prising ve y+-s0ft taste and intoxi.
eating aroma. Sweet flavor with bit-
t'er and sweet taste leaving a veiy
round aftertaste.
fj: The Poorter is the mnost
wretched thing I've ever tasted in my
life. It's also the only beer that I've
thrown out tonight.

tc From the Vault
Bon Jvi
Stays alive
on prayer
Since its release, Bon Jovi's hit single,
"It's My Life,"has been a favorite among
both rock and pop fans. But for many of
us, this song isn't the first Bon Jovi song
to get onto our coveted MP3 list.
Although most of us were more interest-
ed in He-Man and Barbie than MTV at
the time, we recall the classic "Livin' On
A Prayer." Maybe some are more "under-
cover" fans than others, but bust out with
the "Livin' On A Prayer" chorus and I
guarantee at least a few friends will sing
along. As memorable as "Livin' On A
Prayer" is, though, one can't forget the
album on which it appeared. Slippery
When Wet was Bon
Jovi's third album
and catapulted the
Sipr band into super-
When Wet stardom.
Bon Jovi In addition to
Polygram Pop 1986 "Livin' On A
Reviewed by Prayer," Slippery
Emily Hebert When Wet also fea-
For the Daily tures other hits such
as "You Give Love
A Bad Name," "Never Say Goodbye"
and "Wanted Dead Or Alive." Granted,
all these songs are very similar stylisti-
cally. And, as some would argue, all of
Bon Jovi's songs - regardless of the
album - sound strangely alike. But it's
important to make a distinction between
sound and mood. The tracks on Slippery
When Wet may be related, but each song
has a unique sound. As a whole, though,
the album's tracks are united in their feel-
good mood and catchy choruses. Each
song is simplistic in its format, but the
very charm of Slippery When Wet lies in
this simplicity. The lack of irony and bit-
terness that characterizes-the grunge rock
of the early '90s is undetectable.
Although it reached multi-platinum
status, when Slippery When Wet was first
released it was criticized for being more
pop than heavy metal. In the long run,
though, appealing to both teenyboppers
and metal fans is what has allowed Bon
Jovi to keep rocking the charts today. So,
the next time you hear "It's My Life"
alongside Christina Aguilera or 'N Sync
on the radio, take a moment to dust off
your old copy of Slippery When Wet.
Sure, the album has the glossed-over
'80s sound. It definitely doesn't have the
social value of 2Pac's albums, or the sen-
timentality of Dido. But, at the very least,
Slippery When Wet is bound to provide a
fun listening experience.

Healithy

I

*A *ThMW ichigan oa- Weekend, etc.
FITNESS FIGH
Hard choice: Learn to be 1

By Lyle Henretty
Daily Film Editor
There is a startling idea that has gained popularity
as of late: That it is okay to remain the way God
made you, and that Joe Fatass is just as good as
someone who is physically fit. This, of course, is just
mindless garbage spewing forth from the (probably
full) mouths of people too lazy to get off of their
duffs and exercise. I'm not saying that people that
don't work out aren't trying hard enough, I'm saying
they're bad people that don't deserve to breathe my
air with their big fat lungs.
People that care about their bodies care about
every facet of their lives. They look better, they feel
better and they have more confidence in themselves.
Fat people are full of self loathing and try to fill the
void in their lives with cheeseburgers the way
creamy lard fills a Twinkie. While I exercise I con-
sider world politics, do integrals in my head and run
through the complete poems of T.S. Eliot, which I
have memorized. I have composed three novels into
my mini-recorder while jogging, and re-figured my
tax deductions so that the government ends up owing

Busting out: Chewing and SW

me money every year without fail. Plus~ I look great.
As everyone knows, people that don't care how
they look physically are usually loathsome repro-
bates that beat their children and cannot tie their own
shoes. Instead of thinking about bettering themselves
they think of buttering their Pop Tarts. Instead of tak-
ing an interest in the world around them, they watch
television and drink beer. The television thinks for
them and the only time they ever put forth the
tremendous effort it takes to move themselves is
when their bladders force them to (that is, those that
don't wish to lounge in their own filth, which is
fewer than you might expect). Oh, and, of course,
when they run out of food (which is akin to China
running out of Chinese people, for all the tater-tots
and pizza rolls and ice cream bars your average glut-
ton surrounds him/herself with).
People with healthy, active lifestyles are rewarded
with long, full lives, while those that choose sloth
(such as the person who drives to his neighbors
house because he was "too tired to cross the street")
is punished because God simply doesn't love them as
much.
How many of our heroes were out of shape? Abe

By Rob Brode
Daily Arts Writer
Who is the king of the jungle? Within our twisted, backward culture, we are taught
it is the lion. Not so. The overtly obese elephant is the true king, for the elephant can
squash any pest with one enormous drop of the backside. Just like the jungle, "fat"
people are the kings of our society. If a fat person is walking down the street and one
of the so-called fit is coming in the other direction, who moves for whom? Exactly.
Yet, with the negative connotation the word fat drags with it, it would not be right to
refer to the cream of society with such a vulgar word, so for the rest of the article. I
will refer to "fat" people in a much more accurate manner by calling them "Mass-
ively Gifted" or MG, and to be fair we will call the "healthy" inferior, stupid, smelly
or whatever derogatory adjective comes to mind.
This fitness craze that has swept the nation is rotting the moral core of our once
sweet, apple pie of a nation. The correlation is quite direct. Fitness leads to a smaller
body type, which is considered sexy. A sexy body leads its owner to expose it by
wearing more revealing clothes. Revealing clothes lead to increased interest of poten-
tial lovers, which leads to promiscuity, which leads to unwanted pregnancies, which
translates directly to prostitution and heavy drug use. Each fitness fanatic is treading
a top a slippery slope of treadmills and free weights and with each bicep curl he/she
increases the likelihood of an avalanche of indecency washing away the core values
of our nation into an Olympic-sized pool of sin.
We need not do more than look to one of our most prized cultural icons in America
to see that the mass-ively gifted are invaluable. Santa Claus is most definitely MG
and he is one of the most generous, kindest guys around. His mass and warm per-
sonality go chubby hand in chubby hand. If good ol' Mr. Claus was some chiseled
hunk of muscle, would he be out delivering toys on a frigid Christmas Eve? Heck no,
it is the fat that keeps him warm, not to mention there has got to be a libido hidden
under all those extra pounds. Ten dollars says that if he lost the weight Mrs. Claus
would keep him home to herself on Christmas Eve. After all, who wants to spend
Christmas Eve alone every year?
To deny thy self is unhealthy. A healthy mind leads to a healthy body and it's going
to make my mind very happy to eat a carton of shoppers and wash it down with a jug
of Mountain Dew. Is this healthy? Of course it is. It is unnatural to avoid fried and
fatty foods. Why do healthy people think they must avoid them? Is this some kind of
perverse culinary discrimination? I like to think of myself as a caring, appreciative
person and would never think of judging food on such petty characteristics. The-truth
here is simple: "Healthy" people are bigots.
Have you ever seen someone workout? A person mid-workout most likely is
experiencing some sort of dliscomfort as a result of their workout, has an abnormal-

ly high heart rate, and their
symptoms sound like a pr
on their couch enjoying I
more healthy. Their breath
are at the apex of comfort
What do you think your he
push your body to the ph
Funyons while watching
adage: That which doesn'
should have read "Trying
thank you."
These "healthy" people
power because we don't st
are paramount examples4
on us to conform to its fit
bly sit and instead of firm
tics. MG's are the mentall
minded sheep, putty if yo
As a last gasp argume
They say it is unsightly,
hide. For they know not
Where is the rest of the
cheese thighs" (mmm cc
cute, WHEREVER they
cockiness which leaves 1
sexy. It screams "Look a
be, they will see that yot
digestive system, strong
to build such a mountair
I am by no means st
healthy. To put those mu
up and use them for slay
bread and light posts ma
"Healthy" has becor
Take the label Mass-ivel
that is your life and let
arteries then put it in a g
part of you: See how it f
tall, walk with your bell:
know that you are in sha